Hard to Tell What Remains When I Stumble Off the Stage

by blitzywebsx

Summary:

Five times that Jax let himself be vulnerable, and one time he didn't.

1. Jax talks with Ragatha after Ribbit's abstraction (FINISHED!!!!)
2. Jax talks with Kinger after a particularily bad adventure (FINISHED!!!!)
3. Jax talks with Zooble after the Softball Incident
4. Jax talks with Gangle about her masks
5. Jax talks with Pomni about his persona
6. You'll have to wait and see 🫠
7. Art (if I feel like drawing it)

Notes:

So uhhhh how we feeling after episode 6

I love all characters unconditionally but Jax broke me so I had to write him SUFFERING because I'm the one who causes pain FOR FUN /ref

I have no idea what else to say so uhhh happy reading, stay safe, don't eat your vegetables, something like that

By the way I have no clue what gender Ribbit is so I just had to try sentencing in a way where I didn't have to gender them so I don't go back and hate myself in the future 😭

(Work title from "Wear the Mask" by LongestSoloEver)

(Chapter title from "Black Sorrow" by Park Byeong Hoon) (my Alien Stage infected heart can't take this anymore)

-Phyz :3

Chapter 1: Like a Black, Black Sorrow (A Story of Such Woe)

Ribbit was gone.

 

The circus was left in shambles over the loss. Kinger had isolated himself in his fort. Ragatha was a sobbing mess. Gangle wore comedy mask after comedy mask, quick to replace the porcelain if it broke. Kaufmo ceased his constant joke telling. Zooble, this being the first abstraction they'd seen, was left in pure shock and disappointment. CAINE feigned more surprise than the others, but it was highly suspected he may have had a hand in the tragedy.

 

And Jax?

 

He hadn't left his room in days, save for the "SUPER MEGA FANTASTIC UNSKIPPABLE NEW AND IMPROVED AMAZING ADVENTURES" that the ringleader dragged him into. He couldn't sleep. He wouldn't sleep. If he rested his eyes, he'd see the jagged amalgamation of colored eyes once more.

 

He had to move on. He had to forget.

 

But he couldn't.

 

Why couldn't he just let it go? It was so easy to do before. Why, how , was this any different?!

 

For the first time since the frog's abstraction, Jax was snapped out of his thoughts to hear a soft knock on his door. "Jax... could I talk to you for a minute?" It was Ragatha. Of course .

 

He should've known it was only a matter of time before she came knocking like this. The doll had taken the role upon herself to become what was a sort of psuedo-mother of the group as of recent. Why exactly, Jax had no idea. (Not that he cared.) But anyway, here she was, about to try lifting the heaviest of his burden upon her own shoulders.

 

Jax opened the door the tiniest bit, scowling at her through the small sliver that allowed light to seep into the darkened room. "What do you want, licorice hair?"

 

The worried expression Ragatha wore was momentarily replaced with one of disdain. "Wh- my hair does not -" She took a deep breath to regain her composure, putting on her concerned face once more. "I just... you haven't been out for an adventure in three days. Not that I'm upset with you for that, since CAINE's been testing new AIs, making the activities... less than ideal, but, y'know, we- we're worried about you. I understand you're probably still upset about Ri-"

 

" Don't say that name to me, " the rabbit snapped. "I'm not going to talk about that."

 

"Right, sorry. Look, just... can I come in for a minute? I won't stay long, I promise," she fidgeted with her hands uncomfortably as she squinted her eyes in concern.

 

After a moment, Jax groaned as he decided to take pity on the ragdoll, just for her amusement. "Whatever, just... know when you need to leave."

 

Ragatha's eyes went wide as she stepped into the room, taking in the untidiness of the space surrounding her. Pillows, blankets, all sorts of objects littered the ground, but it was nothing compared to the man before her. His eyes were darkened, highlighted by the bags that sat underneath, his fur was matted, his ears were crooked, and the doll could've sworn there was a burn mark or two at the base of them. "Jax, you look... terrible..."

 

The rabbit scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Gee, thanks. I'll forever and always appreciate hearing your very important opinion on my appearance."

 

"I mean it. You haven't eaten in days, for one thing. And the bags under your eyes... have you not slept at all this past week?"

 

"We don't need sleep, Rags."

 

"I know, but... even if we don't need it, we could still find use out of it."

 

Jax scoffed again. "What does it matter to you, anyway? Do you actually care for some twisted reason? Or are you just trying to get your little people-pleasing kink out of the way?"

 

Ragatha sighed, obviously trying to hide her annoyance toward his comment. "We've all been worried about you, Jax. You've been taking this abstraction a lot harder than the others, and I wanted to make sure... y'know, that you were still alive, and you weren't..." She muttered the end of the sentence under her breath, making it unintelligible even to Jax's sensitive ears.

 

"Make sure I wasn't what ?"

 

"You know..." Her finish was spoken inaudibly again.

 

"Ragatha. I can't hear you."

 

"I wanted to make sure you weren't hurting yourself, okay?" The ragdoll finally made her point clear with an involuntary raise of her voice. She quickly shielded her mouth with her hands, as if that could lower her volume. "I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell..."

 

Jax stared blankly at her for a minute before breaking into a fit of hysterical laughter. After a full 10 seconds of this, "You- hah - you really think I deal with things that unhealthily!? God, you really think low of me, huh! Besides..."

 

He scanned the floor of his room for a sharp object, picking up a small razor on sight and swiping it at his wrist. The blade, miraculously, clipped through his wrist instead of opening a gash. "See? It's all code, doll. It can't actually hurt you. Plus, CAINE puts the safety on when we're not on adventures, so it's all good."

 

Ragatha just stared up at him in horror.

 

"What? Something on my face? I mean, other than my apparently disgusting eyes, of course."

 

"Jax," Ragatha's voice had a dangerous edge, albeit filled to the brim with concern, "how would you know that happens... if you hadn't tried it before?"

 

The rabbit froze like he'd been caught in headlights.

 

Because, technically, he had.

 

Ragatha hit the truth right on the nose. Was his poker face getting worse or something? Maybe he did need sleep.

 

Well, in any case, there was no point in hiding things now.

 

With a tired and defeated expression, Jax's knees gave out, dropping him to sit on the edge if the bed. He stared down blankly at the stained floor, gaze unshifting as he felt Ragatha sit down next to him. "...I know the feeling. When someone's suddenly gone just like that... it's really hard, Jax. I won't deny that. Is that why your ears..."

 

As her unfinished inquiry sunk in, the rabbit quickly became hyper aware of the burn marks on his ears, moving up his gloved hands to wrap around them. "I... I didn't mean to, I just..." To his own surprise, he was tearing up. Great . "...god, I'm supposed to be better than this."

 

Ragatha shook her head. "You're not 'supposed' to be anything. All your feelings are valid and recognized. It doesn't change how I see you, it doesn't change how I think about you. I'm worried, of course, but you deserve to have someone who cares about you, especially in a time like this."

 

Jax looked over at her, ears drooping. "Hey. What do you mean... by saying you know the feeling?"

 

Ragatha's eyes shot open wide as her pupils darted around, visibly uncomfortable. "O-oh! Uhh, that's- you don't have to- well," She took a deep breath, "I-if you really don't mind me telling..."

 

"Hey, I won't let anyone in on it if you don't tell them about me," he sniffed, moving his hands from his ears to his wrists, "you deserve that much.

 

Ragatha nodded gratefully, giving him a small smile that dropped quickly. "Well, I grew up in a high-class family, and I suppose something about wealth gets to people's heads from time to time..."

 

"Boy, tell me about it," Jax chuckled disdainfully, looking up at the fourth wall.

 

"My mother was... well, a piece of work, to say the least. She would constantly belittle and berate me. It was always 'you should do this' and 'why aren't you better at that'... and sometimes she'd... tap into a more physically abusive side. It was... a lot, and I used to cut my legs, because it felt like making myself bleed was the only thing I was good at, at times." The doll sighed shakily and put a hand up to her blue button.

 

"One day, she walked in on me doing... that, and she," the woman chuckled nervously, "was not happy. She went off on a whole 'I raised you to be a competent young lady and this is the thanks I get' tangent, and she completely lost it..." she pointed up at the button, "...and she hit me so hard, I went blind in this eye."

 

Jax stared at her speechlessly as he tried to string together a proper sentence. His gut reaction would've been to comment sarcastically, something along the lines of 's[%$!#]t, you even piss off your own family ', but he couldn't say that. He was a jerk, not a monster . Finally, he managed to say, "Is that why you try to act like the mom of the group or whatever?"

 

Ragatha nodded sheepishly. "My relationship with my mother was beyond awful. I don't know if anyone else in this circus has dealt with anything close to same thing as me, but... I want to prove that I can be better than her. I want to show that the way she treated me doesn't define me as a person."

 

Jax stared at her thoughtfully, before reluctantly admitting, "...you've been doing well."

 

"Aw, you really think so?" the ragdoll broke into a grin, "Thank you, Jax! That means a lot to hear, more than you probably realize. Anyway..." as she stood up and began to walk toward the door, "Jax, I hope you know... if you ever feel that bad again, I'm here for you. I won't shove you out, or get mad at you, or guilt trip you or anything like that. And for what it's worth... I'm glad to have had this conversation with you."

 

The rabbit smiled weakly at her. "Yeah... me too. You can tell the others I'll be there for the adventure tomorrow, I... think I'm feeling a little better."

 

Ragatha's smile only grew as she exited the room. "I'll let them know! See you then!" And with that, she quickly closed the door.

 

It took approximately 12 seconds for Jax to realize what just happened as he slammed his head against the mattress in annoyance. Even if he didn't say much out of his own volition... he let the mask slip. He let himself be vulnerable. His unfaltering persona, can you believe it, faltered.

 

Well, at least it could've gone worse...?

Notes:

So there's Chapter 1, hope you enjoyed!! I've never written a fic with actual chapters before so I'm not completely sure how long it'll be for the next chapter to be done, but I'm working on it as we speak- well, as we type :D

Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated, thank you so much for all of your support!! This is one of the heavier chapters (at least from my perspective), so the sailing should be a *little* smoother from here, it all depends on what you view as a heavier topic.

-Phyz :3

Chapter 2: You'll Never Be a Rainbow Without the Rain

Notes:

I have not slept enough to properly word so I'm sorry if the style is inconsistent or if there's spelling errors or anything. I knew I shouldn't have been up at 1am reading that fic with Jax-ceAAAAAAAANYWAY

So this one takes place between the abstractions of Ribbit and Kaufmo. Actually, really, the day *before* Kaufmo abstracts. That's why he's not a present character in this chapter, he's going insane holed up in his room (and also because I have no clue what he talks like or his personality or anything like that). Zooble, the newest human, has been in the circus for somewhere around maybe a year or two, I think? I can't remember if Goose said how long Zooble was there before Pomni came in like a wrecking ball.

I love how people on this site write my babygirl Kinger 😭 hopefully I can do him justice..........

(Chapter title from "Flick of Magic" by ZAMination)

-Phyz :3

He was surrounded.

 

Jax was fully, thoroughly, completely surrounded.

 

Lost in a field of corn.

 

Of course he'd end up like this .

 

Today's adventure was a skydiving class, which sounded great to him initially. Even if it didn't, CAINE would've been pretty pissed off if he'd skipped the adventure. After all, Zooble had already opted out, fitting perfectly into their whimsy-hating archetype, and Kaufmo had locked himself in his room, unusually enough for him.

 

If Jax was a fraction of a nicer person, he would've been worried. But he wasn't.

 

The thing is, the moment the plane hovered over the drop zone, the moment Jax was going to shove Ragatha out for his own entertainment, the plane froze all of a sudden thanks to a stupid glitch, sending them both flying. The ragdoll, luckily enough, had managed to grab the edge of the plane before hurtling down toward the ground. Jax, on the other hand, was not so lucky.

 

If dying in the circus was possible, he would've been a bleeding mess on the dark digital soil. Instead, all that came from the impact was a dull throb that seemed to echo through his bones. Nothing about that seemed too bad.

 

No, the worst part was where he had landed. The very edges of the drop zone had been circled with stalks of corn to serve as a way of knowing exactly when and where to jump from the plane. And with how large the area was, the borders were like a seemingly endless hellscape of the growing vegetables.

 

To make matters worse, even as he would try countlessly hour after hour to stand up and run from the fields, the throbbing kept him weakened and down on his knees. He was trapped in a prison of tall plants, dotted with bright yellow cobs.

 

The sun in the tiny map that CAINE had conjured up for this occasion had set long ago, filling Jax with dread. He was never going to get out of here . If someone was going to rescue him, they would've done so already. Ragatha likely had no intention of doing him any favors after his failed attempt at a "prank", and Gangle likely went along with it, being as agreeable and afraid to speak up as she was. Kinger was full-on crazy, he probably didn't even notice the rabbit was gone.

 

Morally speaking, he probably deserved this, but he wasn't going to gaslight himself into agreeing with that.

 

What really irked him is the fact that the ringmaster had done absolutely nothing. He hadn't shown any sign of acknowledgement toward this situation. On most adventures, he would've been back in the circus through a snap of fingers from CAINE's white gloves. So either the adventure hadn't ended yet, somehow, or the girls had specifically instructed that Jax would stay down there alone, karma being the way it was.

 

Jax was leaning toward the latter idea until he heard faint rustling from nearby. If something was coming to try and kill what was unkillable, it might as well get it over with. He was tired of having to stare at the disgusting vegetables. Could he just get put out of his misery already? Or, well, out of conciousness.

 

No, what was in the stalks was... Kinger? The chess piece stared down worriedly as he ran over to the rabbit. "Oh, thank god you're still here! That was quite a fall you had, are you okay?"

 

One look at Jax obviously answered Kinger's question for him. I'm not allowed to say what Jax looked like because he's breathing over my shoulder and holding a large hammer right now, so he was not barely holding in tears, and he was definitely not rocking back and forth and staring up at Kinger with terror written on his face. Sorry, guys, I don't know what to tell you.

 

"Well... that could've been a better question, huh? Sorry, the others and I split up, we wanted to find you and check in before CAINE sent us back to-" a bright flash of light cut him off, soon surrounding them with the familiar space known as the tent, "-the circus."

 

"WELCOME BACK, MY CLEMATISES AND SWEET DREAMERS!!" the ringmaster's voice rang out, snapping both Jax out of his emotions and Kinger out of what seemed to be some sort of daze. The pain coursing his body, miraculously, had disappeared along with the previous map.

 

"CAINE, don't... take this the wrong way," Gangle said sheepishly, "but are you running out of nickname ideas? That one hit a little close to home."

 

Ragatha and Jax alike both looked over at her with confusion before CAINE admitted, "I... HAVE BUBBLE WORKING ON A NEW LIST AS WE SPEAK, SO DON'T WORRY, GANGLE, MY LITTLE PARASITE!!"

 

"...that doesn't... mean what you think it does," Ragatha muttered under her breath before her eye trailed over to the rabbit. "O-oh, Jax, there you are! I'm... glad Kinger could find you! I hope you're alri-"

 

"Save it, Buttons," Jax stood up and began to walk to his room, "don't play pretend with me."

 

"Hey, if you'd just listen-"

 

"No, you listen here, dollface," he snapped, putting a finger to Ragatha's forehead, "I know an act when I see it. Don't try to trick me into thinking you care , because I know you don't ."

 

After taking a moment to relish in her speechlessness, he sauntered off toward the hallway with a grimace on his face. But before he could leave the main area, he feels a gloved hand grasp his arm. "What the-"

 

"Sorry to stop you," he hears the voice of Kinger over his shoulder, "but could I meet with you in my pillow fort for a moment? I won't keep you long, I need to ask you something where I can still be lucid before the lights make me forget."

 

"Before the lights- the hell are you talking about?!"

 

"It's... complicated. We should hurry. Follow me," the chess piece offered, making his way to the large stack of multicolored pillows. The rabbit sighed and followed a few steps behind. If he didn't get things settled quickly, who knows what Kinger would tell the others? Probably about his panic attack. What would there even be to tell about? Jax didn't want to find out.

 

He was stunned to find that the inside of the fort was much larger than the outer walls had suggested. The space would be enough to hold, not only everyone in the circus, but maybe even a few abstractions. And Kinger really tended to keep all of it to himself? Then again, no one often wanted to spend too much time with him, being ever the freakshow. Was he feeling sorry for the chess piece...? No, probably not, it was the nerves talking.

 

Something was... different about him, though. In the dark space, the chess piece seemed to be more aware of where he was, how he moved, what he said, that sort of thing. Is this what he meant about being 'lucid'? Was the dark what did it? It was around night when he found the other man...

 

Whatever it was with him, Jax was pretty sure it didn't come with the territory of his 'Crazy One' archetype.

 

"Okay, Jax," Kinger began, sitting down on the checkered floor, "you don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with, but-"

 

"I'm fine , seriously. What you saw out there was nothing."

 

"...you don't have to lie to me. People don't usually shake and cry over nothing."

 

"I just-" the rabbit sighed frustratedly, "I don't want to talk about it. You said I didn't have to say anything I'm not comfortable with, right? Well, I'm playing that card now."

 

"That's okay. Do you at least just want to sit down for a minute?" the older inquired, moving to the side as he gestured his detached hand to the tiling next to him. "If you're not wanting to talk, just... what is it you're always looking to do? Humor me? Just for a moment."

 

After a moment of contemplation, the younger sighed as he sat down next to Kinger. He didn't have to share anything. Neither of them would gain anything from this interaction, so it wouldn't hurt to give him the satisfaction for a moment.

 

That's when his eyes, ever the traitors, began to well up with tears.

 

No, this was stupid- this was so stupid! What was he crying for?! He wasn't the Sad One or the Emotional One, he was the Funny One. That's who he was. That's the archetype. That's the mask. Tears didn't come with the territory, they didn't get to.

 

Jax didn't get to cry. He hadn't since almost a year ago, and that was when Ribbit had abstracted, but everyone was an emotional wreck during that time. This time, he was crying, and he was alone in it.

 

Pathetic.

 

What was more pitiable were the thoughts filling up the forefront of his mind, which seemingly dripped down to his tongue, pouring from his lips into the open air. "I couldn't-" his voice cracked in a way that left him cringing, "I- didn't want to be stuck there..."

 

Kinger tentatively moved his hand to the other's shaking- no, trembling shoulder. "I know, it's okay. We wouldn't have left you there, even if you had tried to completely explode the plane. Well-" he looked up in thought for a moment, "maybe if Zooble was there, they wouldn't have done anything to help you. But Ragatha, Gangle, and I... we care about you, Jax. Even if we can't show it in the right ways, even if it feels like the opposite, we'll still be there when you need it the most."

 

"I- I don't need-"

 

"I know you don't need us, Jax. Regardless, it can still be helpful to know that, even when you feel like you're about to fall, there'll always be someone for you to lean on before you hit the ground. You're strong, Jax. But even the very strongest can't do everything on their own."

 

His words struck a cord within Jax, eliciting what sounded like a strangled sob from his throat. At this point, he didn't even try to hide it. The younger's mask had already been peeled off his face, what more did he have to lose? Kinger probably wouldn't remember this later, anyway.

 

Jax surprised himself with how long it took him to stop the tears to finally slow to a stopping point. But as soon as they did, he was getting back to his feet. He couldn't risk spending another second in there. What if the others came to check in? It was unlikely, but still possible, given the fact that several minutes had passed since Kinger had beckoned him. He muttered a quick thanks as he walked to the fort's exit, the chess piece returning with a mouthless smile.

 

It wasn't until the light hit the rabbit's eyes when his actions had fully registered. He was getting worse at this 'your faults and fears must never be seen' or whatever thing. It had been a full year since he last broke down in another's prescence, but he could feel it. He'd been in the circus for year after year, and he hadn't ever faltered until back then. What was he supposed to do with all of these emotions? Either way, he knew one thing was for sure.

 

The archetype was breaking. Slowly, sure, but even still, he couldn't have that.

 

Who knows what would happen if he felt human again...?

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed Chapter 2!! All feedback is super appreciated, thanks for your support!!

Also I'm going to be starting school again this week, so I'm not entirely sure how frequent or not these chapters are going to be written, I'll do what I can with my free time though!!

-Phyz :3