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4. Britta
Britta found the list in Abed’s bag in the middle of Spanish class while looking for a pencil.
Abed noticed quickly, snatching it out of her hands before she could get a good look at it. All she was able to read was the first few words of the title (Friends in order of how likely-- likely to what?) and her name at the bottom of the paper. Abed placed a pencil on her desk and gave her a tight smile, not making eye contact. But Abed’s smiles always looked like that, and he never made eye contact. She didn’t know what to make of it.
“Abed!” she hissed at him when Chang turned his back. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” he said.
“Why was my name on it?”
“I don’t really--”
“HEY!” yelled Chang, turning around so quickly that Britta was surprised he didn’t get dizzy or something. “Estudiantes! Listen to me when I am speaking!”
Britta shut up after that. She didn’t need Chang to get all worked up right now. But she was going to figure out what that weird list was all about.
After class, she grabbed her stuff as quickly as she could and made to follow Abed. She called his name, but he was walking too fast. She wouldn’t be able to catch up to him at this rate, not with these heels.
“Abed, stop!” she yelled again. “Why are you running? I just want to talk!”
Abed didn’t stop moving. “That’s what people in movies say when they want to kill someone, Britta!”
“I’m not gonna kill you!” she huffed. “I just want to know what that list was!”
He slowed down, finally standing still. He turned to her, and his expression was exactly the same as it always was as he said, “I can’t tell you. It might skew the ratings.”
What the fuck? She looked at him like he had grown an extra head, and he just blinked back at her. “Ratings?? Abed, what the hell?”
Abed sighed, biting his lip, seeming to scrutinize her for a second. “It’s a list of my friends. In order of how likely they are to betray me.”
Britta stared up at him, mouth wide open. “What? Why would you make a list like that?” She remembered the glimpse she’d caught of the bottom of the paper. “But I’m--I’m at the bottom?”
He nodded. He didn’t say anything, but Britta broke into a wide smile.
“Thank you Abed,” she said. “I would never ever betray you! I’m glad you know that.” Abed flashed a short smile. Britta reached out to pat him on the shoulder. “Come on, let’s go to the study group meeting.”
Abed nodded again, letting her direct him to the library.
3. Annie
Annie found the list while cleaning the boys’s pillow fort.
It was hidden under Abed’s mattress, and when she began to change his sheets, it slipped out onto the floor. The snooper in her couldn’t resist. She opened the folded piece of paper.
Friends in order of how likely they are to betray me, read the title. Oh. Oh. Her eyes widened in consternation. The sheet was covered in little notes and arrows and eraser marks, and the list in the middle--Annie searched for her name. She was…second from the bottom. Although, there were only four names on the list, so she wasn’t sure how much of a victory that was.
Wait, four names?
“Annie?”
She spun around to see Abed standing in the opening to the fort.
“Oh, hi, Abed!” she squeaked, hiding the list behind her back. Abed shook his head, moving forward to take it from her.
“I already saw.” He chewed on his lip, glancing at her and then back at the floor. “How… how much of it did you read?”
“All of it,” she admitted. Abed looked scared for a second before she said, “Don’t worry, I’m not mad.”
“Okay,” he said quietly. He folded the paper back up, slipping it in his pocket.
“I just, um… Why did you make this list?”
Abed shrugged. “It’s not really that important,” he said. “It’s for… just in case.”
Annie didn’t like the sound of that. “None of us are going to betray you, Abed.”
“I know,” he said, but Annie’s two and a half years of training in Abed-ese picked up on the fact that he didn’t sound so sure. But he gave her a quick smile, turning towards the blanket fort entrance.
And he left without another word, before she could even realize she didn’t get the chance to ask him about the name that was missing.
2. Shirley
Shirley found the list while delivering to Abed a hoodie that he had accidentally left behind in the study room.
She’d noticed he’d forgotten it soon after he had left, and since she was being so charitable, she gave herself permission to look through the pockets. She didn’t think she’d discover something so juicy, though.
When she found Abed, she didn’t hand him his hoodie, instead holding up the list like damning proof--of what, she didn’t know.
“Abed, what is this?” Shirley chastised. Abed’s face didn’t change.
“It’s a list,” he said unhelpfully. “Did you go through my pockets?”
“Why am I second from the top?” she lamented.
Abed blinked at her. “Because you are. You’re not actually second from the top anymore, though, look: I added Chang and Peirce and they’re both above you and Jeff.”
“I would never betray you, Abed!” Shirley said sweetly.
“You went through my pockets,” he pointed out.
“But I brought you your hoodie.”
Abed’s mouth quirked. “Thank you. Can I have it back?”
“Not until you admit that I would never betray you. I would never betray you, right?” said Shirley, voice dropping dangerously.
Abed stared at her for a long moment. “The list doesn’t mean I think you’re actually going to betray me. It just means you’re more likely to than Annie or Britta. And you and I both know that’s true.” He stood, holding out his arm. “Can I have my stuff back?”
She handed him his things. He nodded a smile.
“Thank you,” he said. And then he walked away.
1. Jeff
Jeff found the list by walking up behind Abed while he was writing on it and snatching it out of his hands.
“Hey Abed, what’s… this.” Abed had stood up immediately, eyes wide. Jeff blinked back at him. “What the hell?”
“You’re not supposed to see that,” he said. This, of course, only made Jeff want to look even more. Abed reached forward to grab it back, but Jeff swatted his hand away.
“Friends in order of how likely they are to betray me?” Jeff read.
“Don’t read it,” Abed said again. Jeff paid him no mind.
“Oh, shit. Why am I at the top?”
Abed looked almost scared as he stared at Jeff. Jeff scanned the notes next to his name. Selfish; would do a minor thing with no remorse, maybe even a medium. Would feel bad about anything big, but that wouldn’t stop him from doing it. He felt a flash of anger, (selfish??) then slight concern. Why the hell would Abed feel the need to make such a list? Then, as he looked over the rest of the paper, concern turned to confusion.
He looked up. “Abed, why isn’t Troy on here?”
Abed froze.
“Abed?”
Suddenly, Abed was lunging at Jeff, making a wild grab for the paper. Jeff was too startled to stop him, and before he knew it, Abed was halfway across the common room with the list in his hand.
Jeff let him go. He wasn’t sure what that was about, but he was pretty sure it was out of his jurisdiction.
In the meantime, he was going to make a plan to make sure Abed knew he’d never betray him.
Not in a big way, anyway.
0. Troy
Troy was never supposed to find the list.
None of the others were, either, but especially not Troy. He wasn’t supposed to know. He was never supposed to know.
Troy had been going through Abed’s comics. If Abed had been watching, he would have stopped him. But he wasn’t. And hidden between Inspector Spacetime Adventures #45 and #46 was the list.
“Abed?”
Abed looked up from the tv. When he saw what Troy held in his hands, he froze, eyes wide, unblinking. Oh, shit.
But Troy didn’t seem angry. He was reading the list with a slight smile on his face, seeming fascinated. “This is kind of cool! Like a spy. Or like Batman! Batman would totally have a list like this.” He laughed. “Yeah, Jeff is definitely at the top of the study group in this ranking. These are spot on.”
But his smile faded. He looked up, and Abed felt sick. “Wait. Where am I?”
“You’re not on it,” Abed forced out.
“Why not?”
Troy looked sad. Abed scrambled for an explanation, anything other than the truth.
“We’re best friends,” said Troy. “So why aren’t I on your list of friends in order of most likely to betray you?”
Abed was silent.
“Is it because you think I would betray you?” gasped Troy, tears already starting to well up in his eyes. “I would never!! I promise, Abed! What did I do to make you--”
Abed stood up, cutting him off. “It’s not that.” Troy’s lips trembled. Abed went on. “I’m… scared. Of ranking you. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to think about you leaving me.”
“I won’t,” Troy repeated. “I will never, ever, ever betray you, Abed!!”
Abed chewed on his lip. “I know.”
Troy stepped forward, taking one of Abed’s hands. “Okay?”
He nodded. “Okay. Okay. Cool cool cool.”
“None of the others would either,” Troy added quietly.
Abed wished he could believe it.