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"Do you ever worry about it?" Buck asks.
He's staring up at Eddie's living room ceiling, watching the light from the muted television play across the stucco.
"About what?" Eddie sounds tired. His voice has taken on the slightly scratchy quality it always gets this late in the evening.
"Falling in love?" Buck says, fingers tripping over the corner of the label on his half finished beer bottle.
"How do you mean?" Eddie asks, measured, even, curious.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time." Buck blows out a long, slow breath. "I think, maybe, if I haven't done it yet, I never will."
There's a soft sound against the velvet backing of the couch as Eddie turns his head to look at him. Buck keeps staring up at the ceiling.
"You've never been in love?" Eddie asks quietly.
Buck shakes his head. "No, not really. I don't think so."
"Hmm," Eddie muses.
There's a moment of silence before Buck adds, "Have you?"
"Of course." Eddie's answer is quick, sure, confident. Rehearsed.
"Shannon."
Buck tips his head down far enough to make out the framed photographs on the mantle. He quickly recognizes the square frame that houses a photo of the three of them: Eddie and Chris and Shannon.
"I loved her," Eddie confirms. "I don't know if I was ever in love with her."
"Oh?"
Buck inhales slowly as he tips his head back again. His skin feels too tight. He takes a sip of his beer and it burns down his throat. Once he's swallowed, his mouth feels unnaturally dry.
"Marisol then?" He knows it wasn't Ana.
"Definitely not." Eddie huffs a small, self deprecating laugh.
"Oh." Buck's brows furrow. "Who, then?"
Maybe there's someone else. Someone from Eddie's past that Buck has never heard about. Or maybe someone current, someone Eddie hasn't told him about yet.
"Why don't you think you've ever been in love?" Eddie deflects, keeping the identity of the woman who apparently stole his heart a mystery.
It's sort of admirable, Buck supposes. Chivalrous or something, keeping that information to himself. Keeping it sacred. Keeping it safe.
"I dunno," Buck sighs. He picks some more at his gradually detaching beer label and glue smears beneath his fingernails. "I guess I've just never felt the thing." He gestures vaguely with the bottle.
"The thing?"
"Yeah." Buck nods. "The thing you're supposed to feel, you know? That all-consuming, don't-have-eyes-for-anyone-but-you type thing?"
"Hmm," Eddie hums, low and rumbling. Buck imagines he can feel the vibration of the sound all the way down his spine.
"Is that what it's like?" Buck asks quietly. "Is that the thing I'm supposed to feel?"
"I don't know," Eddie replies honestly. "I've only been in love the one time."
"What's it like?" The question, for some reason, is difficult to ask. It feels like sandpaper on Buck's tongue. He sort of hopes Eddie might choose to be evasive once again and not answer.
"It's like..." Eddie starts slowly, carefully, considering his words. "It's all-consuming in a way, I guess, but I don't think I'd call it that. That sounds so stifling, and it's more just there, you know? Sort of this thing you carry with you all the time. It's warm and safe and kinda comforting. Just feels like home. Like no matter where you are or what you're doing, when you think about them, it's like 'oh yeah, right, this is what it's all about'."
"Oh." Buck's heart, devoid of warmth and safety and comfort, sinks right down to the soles of his feet. "That sounds nice."
"It is," Eddie agrees. "I think it's probably better when the other person is in love back though." He laughs, and it's sort of shaky, sort of wistful.
"What?"
Buck's head snaps around, and he finally looks at Eddie for the first time since the start of this conversation - spurred on by the season finale of the sitcom they were binging where the couple finally got married and pledged their undying love to each other after a day of ridiculous mishaps that, of course, didn't dampen their spirits or the power of their feelings for one another.
"What?" Eddie smiles.
His eyes are so soft at night, they always sort of shimmer when the light is low. Like fireflies or some sort of bioluminescent organism way down at the bottom of the ocean. A beacon of beauty even in the dark. When he's looking into Eddie's eyes, Buck understands how angler fish attract their prey so effortlessly. It's so easy to be drawn towards the light when you feel so devoid of it yourself.
"She didn't love you back?" Buck breathes, disbelieving. He can't imagine how anyone could look at Eddie, could know him, could spend even a fraction of the amount of time that Buck does with him and not choose him over every other person in the world.
Eddie shrugs.
"I'm sorry," Buck says earnestly, because someone ought to apologize for it. "Did she break your heart?" he asks tentatively after a beat.
"No." Eddie shakes his head.
"That's good, I guess," Buck allows begrudgingly.
"I never, uh, told them," Eddie admits, a little sheepishly. His eyelashes flutter with his confession, like he's having difficulty maintaining eye contact. Buck isn't sure why. He would never judge Eddie for that.
"It's okay," Buck assures him. "I'm sure it would be scary. I've never been in love with someone, but I've asked people to move in with me and that's always sort of daunting." He scrunches up his face. "Also sort of disastrous," he tacks on unnecessarily. Eddie already knows that. Eddie already knows everything about Buck.
"What do you think you'd want it to be like?" Eddie asks, ignoring Buck's comment about his failed past relationships. "If you were in love?"
"I don't know." Buck shrugs. "I think about it a lot. All the time." It's embarrassing to admit. It feels a little pathetic, a little desperate, but it's just Eddie. Eddie knows that Buck is desperate and pathetic and about a million other character flaws all wrapped up into one disaster of a human being.
"I think I can imagine it pretty accurately," Buck goes on. "The thing you said, about it feeling safe and warm. I guess I’d want being in love to be like this constant force in your life that just keeps you tethered. I don't mean like stuck in the same place or something, but just knowing you have somewhere to come back to?"
"Yeah." Eddie nods, he's still smiling. It's still so soft.
"It must be nice," Buck guesses. "I've never really felt like that. Not even with the people I've dated. It's like that ... security was just never there. I guess I was just always too afraid of it slipping away to get comfortable enough to feel it properly."
Maybe that's the reason Buck's never been in love. Maybe he's simply too afraid to make it there. Maybe it's his own cowardice that holds him back. Maybe he just isn't built for it.
"You've been left a lot, Buck," Eddie says, in that earnest, understanding way that only Eddie has. Eddie always validates the things Buck is feeling, even when he doesn't voice them aloud, even when he doesn't feel like he has a right to them. Eddie always thinks Buck has a reason to be the way he is.
It's not that Eddie doesn't hold him accountable or get frustrated with him at times, but Eddie doesn't place blame onto him for simply existing.
"I think it's understandable to be afraid of that."
"Doesn't it scare you?" Buck asks, tilting his head down and shifting minutely closer to Eddie. "That the person you love might just disappear one day?"
Eddie shakes his head. "Not this one."
"Oh." Buck swallows thickly. He wants to be happy for Eddie. He wants it so bad that his chest hurts with the effort. "I think you should tell her then. If you're so sure of it."
"Even if my feelings aren't returned?" Eddie ventures doubtfully.
"Yeah." Buck nods. "Maybe she'll surprise you. Or even if she doesn't, maybe it'll just feel good to get it off your chest. I think if I was in love I'd probably explode if I didn't say it."
"You probably would." Eddie chuckles, an expression of pure fondness on his face, and then he sobers and takes a slow, deep breath. "I love you, Buck," he says, easy, casual, like it's the most natural thing in the world.
Buck smiles back at him and ignores the ache in his heart. "I love you too, man." He gives Eddie a little, encouraging nod. "You've got this. You can tell her."
Eddie laughs again, and this time it's louder. It comes bursting out of his chest in huge, breathless gasps. Buck can't help but join in. He's always found Eddie's joy infectious.
"Buck," Eddie says, serious again. He reaches out and sets his hand on Buck's shoulder. The warmth of his palm seeps through the fabric of Buck's shirt and his thumb brushes against Buck's collarbone. "There's no 'her' to tell."
Buck blinks at him. His forehead wrinkles in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not in love with a woman." Eddie's tone is gentle, careful, reassuring, like he's trying to help Buck brace for something.
"I don't understand." Buck frowns. "I thought you said -"
"I said I was in love. I never said it was with a woman," Eddie corrects calmly.
"You're straight," Buck reminds him. Reminds himself. Reminds the universe.
Eddie is straight.
"Oh, am I?" Eddie's lips twitch up. He leans in and lowers his voice to whisper conspiratorially to Buck, like he's sharing a secret only meant for the two of them. "I don't think my heart got the memo."
"You don't think your..." Buck trails off. His own heart is doing something funny in his chest, it's sort of squeezing on every beat, like there's too much blood rushing through it. His stomach is doing something else, something unfamiliar and distinctly unpleasant.
"Oh." Buck's eyes widen. "You're -" He clears his throat. "You're in love with a man."
Eddie nods. He doesn't look away.
"I, uh, I -" Buck leans away, he pulls out of Eddie's grip and stumbles back off the couch. "I have to go."
"Go?" Eddie repeats blankly, his expression is rapidly dropping into one of confusion and disappointment.
"Yeah." Buck nods quickly as he retreats toward the front door. "I'm so sorry," he says, heart still racing and squeezing and doing somersaults behind his ribcage. "I told Maddie that I'd..." He's out the door before he has to finish coming up with an excuse.
Buck barely makes it to his truck before he starts hyperventilating, or something close to it at least. His breaths are coming too quick and too sharp. There's a stabbing pain behind his sternum, and he can't see straight. Everything around him is melding into one indistinguishable blur of darkness interjected with little streaks of brightness from the residential streetlights.
There's a distinct possibility that Buck is going insane. Right here in his driver’s seat. In front of Eddie's house. There has to be a clinical term for what he's experiencing. There has to be some long and scary sounding name for whatever disorder he's developed in the last five minutes. He's suddenly very aware of the earth spinning on its axis, the whole world feels like it's going round and round faster than Buck can manage to keep up with.
A sharp rap on the passenger window snaps Buck momentarily out of his spiral. Eddie is standing there, peering at him through the glass, a look of deep concern on his face.
Slowly, Buck unrolls the window.
"What's going on?" Eddie asks, leaning in too far, nearly climbing into the vehicle in his attempt to get a closer look at Buck. "You don't look alright."
"I think I need to go to the hospital," Buck blurts. Eddie looks utterly bewildered, but also like he's prepared to hop into the driver’s seat and drive to the nearest ER while sitting in Buck's lap if necessary.
"What's wrong? Where does it hurt?"
"It doesn't hurt." Buck shakes his head. "But something doesn't feel right, in here."
He taps his hand over his chest a few times to indicate the source of his discomfort.
"Okay." Eddie lets out a slow breath. He inhales through his nose just as slowly. "Okay," he repeats, voice gentle and even. "I think you might be having a panic attack - and I feel like that's sort of my fault, I'm sorry - but let's just get you calmed down."
"No, no." Buck shakes his head, feeling dizzy. "I'm not panicking. It's not in my head. It's here." He gestures to his chest again. It feels like his heart is going to come galloping out the front of his ribcage at any second.
"Buck," Eddie says, tone firm. "Take a breath."
"I can't." Buck shakes his head, and now he really is starting to feel panicked. How could he have possibly forgotten how to breathe? He tries a couple of fruitless, shallow inhales but the oxygen doesn't make it down far enough to have an effect. "Eddie, I can't breathe."
"Yes, you can." And Eddie is so confident when he says it that Buck almost believes him. It startles him into taking in at least a little air, and he doesn't feel quite so lightheaded.
"Good." Eddie nods encouragingly. "That's it, just keep breathing. Like this." Eddie takes in a long, measured breath and slowly blows it out. Buck clumsily attempts to copy him.
"Again," Eddie insists, and this time it's fractionally easier for Buck to follow suit.
They carry on like that for a couple minutes, with Eddie's head and shoulders through the passenger window and Buck half facing him in the driver’s seat, attempting to get his own unregulated breathing to match the steady rise and fall of Eddie's chest.
"Alright," Eddie says when the world has stopped spinning quite so severely. "Can we go back inside?"
Not knowing what else to do, Buck nods and, a moment later, dutifully follows Eddie back into the house.
"Sit down." Eddie gestures towards the couch. "I'm going to make tea."
Blindly, Buck plops himself down onto the couch. His heart is still pounding, but his head has cleared just enough that a few coherent thoughts are making their way to the surface.
There are a few facts in life that Buck is truly certain of, but one of those is that Eddie - Eddie Diaz, Buck's best friend in the whole world - is straight. It's simply one of those fixed points that makes the world go round. The sky is blue. Water is wet. Eddie is straight.
And even if Eddie is only straight in the same way that the sky is blue, which is to say it isn't at all and it's only a very convincing illusion that depends on an incorrect perception, that perception is so long standing and so widely accepted that it's as good as the truth.
Everything is contingent on Eddie being straight.
"Eddie?" Buck's voice is barely audible, and it's trembling so much that he doubts Eddie will be able to hear him from the next room.
"Yeah?" Eddie appears in the kitchen doorway a split second later.
"I'm sorry for freaking out," Buck apologizes quietly.
Even though his entire outlook on life has been spun on its head, he does realize how monumentally shitty it was of him to react that way to his best friend coming out. Especially when Eddie had been nothing but kind and understanding when Buck told him he was bisexual.
"It's okay," Eddie assures him. "I know I sort of just sprung it on you out of nowhere."
"Sure." Buck nods. "But that's no excuse. I shouldn't have - I want you to know that I support you. Always. With whatever."
"I know you do." Eddie smiles warmly at him before turning back into the kitchen.
A couple minutes pass while Buck sits on the couch, nervously wringing his hands in his lap while listening to the indistinct sounds of Eddie moving around the kitchen. He joins Buck on the couch, carrying two mugs of tea and sets them both down on the coffee table before sliding one across to Buck.
"Chamomile with honey," Eddie informs him. "I figured we could both use something calming."
Buck nods appreciatively and lifts his cup, wrapping his hands around the porcelain exterior and letting the warmth absorb through his hands.
They sit in silence for a little while, slowly sipping their tea, and Buck tries to focus on getting his body functioning on base level once more.
"Feeling better?" Eddie asks tentatively when Buck has released some of the tension in his shoulders with a small sigh and sets his mug back down.
"A bit," Buck concedes, though his head still feels too heavy.
"Can I ask..." Eddie trails off and shakes his head, like he's thought better of whatever question just occurred to him.
"You can," Buck tells him. He shifts a little closer on the couch, hoping to put Eddie at ease, who, now that Buck's got himself under control enough to notice anything else, looks fairly nervous. "You can ask me anything."
"Right." Eddie ducks his head. "Thanks."
"Mm." Buck stares at him intently for a moment before he proceeds.
"I was just wondering," Eddie begins again. "Which, uh, part of what I said prompted that reaction?"
"Uh." Buck feels his face heat with embarrassment. Now that he's not trapped in the thick of his swirling emotions, it feels completely ridiculous. "I guess, just, the man thing."
"Right." Eddie nods. "So it wasn't about... not the specific man?" He's watching Buck with palpable apprehension.
"No, of course not." Buck shakes his head quickly. "I'm happy that you've found someone - a guy - who makes you feel that way. You deserve that, Eddie."
"That's nice of you to say." Eddie sounds uncertain.
"No." Buck shakes his head again, this time more vehemently. "I mean it. I want this for you."
"You do?" Eddie's brows furrow in confusion.
"Of course, yeah. It might just take me a bit to get used to it is all," Buck explains. "But I promise I will, and that's not your problem to deal with at all. Don't worry. I'm going to process this on my own from now on. No more freak outs in your driveway." Buck gives a little salute. "Scout’s honour."
"Okay." Eddie smiles weakly, and they lapse into silence again.
"So," Buck starts, picking up his tea again just for something to do. "How did you two meet?" He dreads the answer, and apparently Eddie isn't too keen to give it either, because he's looking at Buck like he's grown a second head.
"What do you mean?" Eddie cocks his head to one side, eyebrows knit together.
"This guy, whoever he is, how did you meet him?" Buck clarifies.
Eddie opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, like he's at a complete loss on how to respond. Finally, he just shakes his head.
"We don't need to get into it tonight," Eddie decides, now staring into the depths of his mug and looking utterly baffled. "I'll tell you some other time."
"Oh." Buck swallows. "Okay."
It's fair enough. Of course Eddie wouldn't want to tell him, not after how Buck reacted just to hearing that he was interested in men, but that doesn't stop the rejection from stinging a little. As a general rule, Buck and Eddie tell each other everything.
There are very few things that Buck hasn't been forthcoming about. Maybe he ought to share one of them, to break the ice.
"You know one time I kicked someone out of the house for insinuating you were gay," Buck says, not looking at Eddie.
"What?" Eddie sits up straight.
"When you were in Texas," Buck explains. "I had Tommy over once - big mistake, we don't need to relive it," he quickly amends.
Eddie's face scrunches up in disgust, but he refrains from voicing whatever petty comment Buck can feel him formulating in his mind.
"But the next morning we were talking and he said some stuff..." Buck trails off. He rubs at the back of his neck, immediately regretting bringing this up. Eddie's watching him, unmoving, and Buck shifts uncomfortably on the couch.
"I didn't like it, so I told him to leave," Buck concludes vaguely.
"Okay." Eddie nods. "And the stuff he was saying that you didn't like, it was about me being gay?"
"Sort of," Buck hedges. Why the fuck did he think bringing this up was a good idea? There's no way to explain the conversation without disclosing what it was about.
Eddie continues to stare at him in confusion.
"Tommy thought I was in love with you," Buck admits in a rush and swiftly takes a swig of tea to stop himself from saying anything more.
Eddie's eyes widen. His expression shifts through several emotions before landing on something like resignation. "I see."
"I told him it wasn't like that with us, obviously."
"Obviously," Eddie parrots, sounding sort of distant.
"And that you were straight - which I know now you aren't," Buck is quick to add, with a little gesture to indicate that he has, in fact, accepted what Eddie told him tonight. "But regardless, he was, like, gloating over the fact that you were gone. He said that 'the competition' was out of the way. It pissed me off."
Eddie raises his eyebrows. "He called me the competition?"
"Yeah, it was crazy!" Buck exclaims incredulously. "It's like," he scoffs, "insane of him to think he could ever compete with you."
"Oh." Eddie's cheeks go a dusky shade of pink. "Right."
"You're my best friend," Buck goes on seriously. "You and Christopher come first. Always."
"Thanks, Buck," Eddie mumbles, avoiding eye contact. "That means a lot."
"’Course." Buck reaches across and nudges Eddie's arm. "It's not even a question."
Finally, Eddie does meet his eye, and he offers Buck a small smile. And maybe everything is okay. Maybe things between them can still be normal. Maybe Eddie not being straight isn't a big deal. At the end of the day, it's still the two of them. Buck and Eddie ... well, and whatever man Eddie is secretly pining after, who he thinks about non stop and feels like completes him or something.
Buck draws his hand away, sits back on the couch, and puts a respectable amount of distance between them. Enough distance for another grown man to fit on the couch, because pretty soon that's going to be the set up. Eddie and his boyfriend and Buck. And that's - it's fine. Buck can work with that. Eddie's had girlfriends, it's not any different. It's fine.
"For what it's worth," Buck starts. "I still think you should tell him." The words stick in his teeth, but he forces himself to get them out, because he's being supportive and he royally fucked it up already, so he's really got to double down.
"Eh," Eddie hesitates, he shakes his head. "I don't think so, bud. It doesn't feel like the time."
"Why not?" Buck cocks his head to one side. "What are you waiting for?"
"I don't think he's ready to hear it," Eddie answers quietly.
"Oh." Buck frowns. That doesn't seem very fair to Eddie that he has to wait around until the other guy gives some sort of signal. "Okay. I hope he comes around."
"Yeah," Eddie breathes. "Me too." He sets his hands on his knees and pushes himself up off the couch. "You wanna stay the night?" he asks Buck. "It's late."
"It is," Buck agrees. He probably should go home. It would definitely be the polite thing to do after having a panic attack over nothing and ruining Eddie's coming out experience and being a generally shitty best friend all evening. But in all honesty, he's feeling pretty wrung out and the thought of driving across the city is incredibly daunting right now. Besides, when have he and Eddie ever cared about what's polite in their friendship?
"I'll make waffles for breakfast," Buck offers with a hopeful little smile, because they're Eddie's favourite and he's really got to make this up to him.
"Sounds good." Eddie nods. "I'll grab you some blankets."
He disappears up the hall, and Buck hears him rooting around in the linen closet for a couple minutes before he returns with a stack of sheets and blankets.
"Your toothbrush is still in the cabinet behind the mirror," Eddie tells him.
"Thanks."
It's been a while since he stayed over here. He hasn't been coming to Eddie's as much in general since he got his own place, and he's been spending the night even less.
"Night, Buck," Eddie offers as he retreats back towards the hall.
"Night, Eddie."
And then the bedroom door clicks shut, and Buck is alone in a house that, although he doesn't live in it anymore, has always felt more like home than anywhere else.
As quietly as possible, Buck gets ready for bed, doing his best not to disrupt Eddie, who's always quick to fall asleep. By the time Buck's made up the couch for the night and crawls in under the pile of blankets, he's utterly exhausted.
In a matter of minutes, he falls into restless, dream filled sleep. Apparently, his subconscious didn't think that enduring the events of the evening just once were enough. He dreams about it over and over again.
One time, he and Eddie are inside the tv show they were watching, and they're the ones getting married in front of all their friends and family, but they have to complete an obstacle course before they make it to the altar.
Another time, Buck gets stuck in his truck, and he can't get back out no matter how many times he pulls on the door handle. Eddie has to crawl into the cab with him and pull him out through the passenger window.
The third time the dream restarts the events of the evening, it's not that different from reality, except that they're sitting on a beach somewhere instead of in Eddie's living room. Eddie's hand lands on Buck's shoulder and he looks straight into his eyes.
"I love you, Buck."
Buck sits straight up on the couch, wide awake and breathing hard.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
"Oh, fuck," Buck groans aloud. "Stupid fucking idiot." He hits his palm against his forehead. "Jesus Christ."
Before he can make the conscious decision to do so, Buck is off the couch and making his way down the hall. He's still got enough adrenaline coursing through his system that he doesn't even hesitate before knocking on the door.
"Eddie?"
There's a mumbled, incoherent sound on the other side.
"Eddie?" Buck repeats, slightly louder. "Can I come in?"
"Youcancomein," Eddie slurs sleepily.
Buck pauses in the open doorway, peering through the dimness at Eddie, who's half sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes.
"Hey," Buck whispers. "I'm sorry to wake you, I just..." he trails off and takes a deep breath. "I was an idiot."
Eddie snorts softly. "What'd you do?" he asks, still sounding a little out of it.
"I, uh -" Buck clears his throat. "I didn't listen to what you were telling me earlier."
"Oh." The sheets shuffle as Eddie sits all the way up. "That's - it's okay, Buck. We don't have to ..."
"I want to talk about it," Buck says. "I mean, maybe not all of it, right now at," he glances at Eddie's alarm clock, "two thirty in the morning, but I want to."
"Okay," Eddie whispers back. "We can do that."
There's silence for a moment while they just watch each other. Buck isn't sure what the right next move is.
"Did you want to stay in here?" Eddie shifts over and pulls back the covers.
"Yeah." Buck nods. "That sounds nice."
He makes his way across the room and sits down on the edge of the bed before carefully tucking himself in. The sheets are already warm with Eddie's body heat.
There's another stretch of silence while Buck makes himself comfortable and Eddie keeps his distance, and then Buck turns and reaches for Eddie like he's done it all his life.
Eddie goes easily into his arms, fitting into the space along Buck's side like he belongs there. He lays his head on Buck's chest and Buck breathes him in, wrapping Eddie tightly in his arms.
"I'm sorry for being an idiot," Buck says into his hair. "It will almost definitely happen again."
"I know," Eddie laughs softly. "And you don't have to apologize, I knew what I was getting into."
"Yeah, you kinda did," Buck agrees.
It's the truth, Eddie knows him through and through. Better than anybody else. And somehow, he loves Buck anyway. He doesn't understand it. Not even a little bit. Of all the people in the world to be in love with, Buck can't imagine why anyone would choose him. But it's Eddie, and Buck trusts him implicitly.
It isn't long before Eddie's breathing starts to even out again, his breaths getting long and heavy, and Buck's eyelids start to droop.
"Hey, Eddie?" Buck whispers before sleep can take them both.
"Mmm?"
"I'm in love with you," Buck confesses against his forehead.
Eddie makes a soft, contented noise into Buck's collarbone. "I know," he mumbles. "Me too."
The next thing Buck is aware of is dim morning sunlight streaming in through the cracks in Eddie's curtains. He opens his eyes to find Eddie still asleep, still on his chest. He looks completely relaxed, expression peaceful. Buck immediately decides that he never wants to wake up without him again.
Carefully, he runs a hand along Eddie's back, lightly working his fingers against the ridges of his spine.
"Mmm." Eddie releases a little, pleased noise and burrows closer into Buck's body heat.
It's a miracle to see Eddie this way, all lax and warm and perfectly at ease. Even the times they've shared a bed before, Buck has never seen him quite like this. He's never seen him the way a lover would.
Eddie stretches against him, muscles tensing along Buck's front before going slack, his full weight going limp as he drapes himself over Buck's chest. On instinct, Buck reaches up to run his fingers through Eddie's hair, and he hums happily.
"Sleep good?" Buck asks.
"Yeah," Eddie replies. "Think I might still be dreaming."
"Me too," Buck agrees, because this morning does have an element of surreality to it. He isn't sure why the whole world isn't upside down and inside out from the earth shattering revelation that Eddie is both not straight and in love with Buck.
Everything just seems normal. It could be any one of the other countless times that Buck has spent the night, except he's waking up in Eddie's bed instead of down the hall. It feels inexplicably natural, like Buck was always meant to find his way here.
"Did you still want waffles?" Buck asks, still lightly massaging his fingernails against Eddie's scalp.
"Mhm." Eddie nods, and a little shiver runs through him when Buck's fingers catch over the curve of his ear.
"Blueberry?"
"Blueberry," Eddie confirms.
"Alright." Buck gently shoves at Eddie's shoulders. "You gotta move if you want breakfast."
Eddie groans in protest but dutifully rolls off of him. His hair is sticking up in every direction, and there's a crease from Buck's shirt imprinted onto his cheek. Buck thinks it might be the best he's ever looked.
"You're cute." Buck grins at him, a thrill running through him at being able to voice the thought aloud.
"Stop it." Eddie's cheeks go brilliantly red as he shakes his head. The movement causes more hair to fall into his face, and Buck doesn't even stop to think before reaching out to smooth it back.
"No," Buck disagrees lightly. "You started this. You said you were in love with me, and now I'm allowed to tell you that you're cute or hot or handsome or any of the hundred things I've been holding out on for years."
"You think I'm hot?" Eddie murmurs, eyes widening.
"What? Eddie, come on," Buck laughs. "Of course I do. Everyone thinks you're hot."
"I dunno about that." Eddie ducks his head, bashful. "I don't care about everyone else though. I care about you."
"Oh." Buck's heart starts malfunctioning again, but this time it's a lot gentler. This time it sort of feels like it's melting in his chest. "Well I do," he reiterates softly. "I think you're the hottest guy I've ever seen."
"Wow." Eddie raises his eyebrows. "High praise."
Buck shrugs. "You deserve it."
"Sap," Eddie accuses, reaching his foot across the bed and lightly kicking Buck's leg.
"Yeah," Buck concedes easily, still grinning like an idiot. "I'm a pretty big sap, I think you'll find."
"I can probably deal with that." Eddie smiles back a little shyly.
"Good."
Buck gets out of bed and heads into the hall, leaving Eddie, who spread out the second Buck left, starfished across the bed. He makes a pit stop in the bathroom to brush his teeth, because, look, he's totally fine with taking this slow and testing the waters, but it doesn't mean he's not going to be prepared for the possibility that Eddie might want to kiss him in the very near future.
Just the mere thought has Buck's stomach erupting with butterflies, and he can't stop smiling at himself in the mirror. His chest feels so light, like there's a hot air balloon expanding inside his ribcage, trying to push him up into the atmosphere. When he walks to the kitchen, there's a definite spring in his step.
It's not long before Eddie joins him in the kitchen, looking only slightly more presentable. His hair is damp and a little flattened down, like he ran a wet hand through it once and decided that was good enough. There are still several strands sticking out in odd directions, and one more prominent lock falls right over his forehead.
"Smells good," Eddie remarks, passing behind Buck and trailing his hand across the small of his back. Buck closes his eyes, basking in the brief contact, and when he opens them again, he finds that Eddie has hopped up onto the counter a couple of feet away from where the waffle iron is plugged in.
"First one should be ready in a few minutes," Buck tells him, setting down the spatula and turning to face Eddie, whose legs fall open slightly, and Buck takes the wordless invitation to step between his knees.
"Hi," Eddie whispers, reaching up and wrapping his arms round Buck's neck.
"Hi," Buck echoes, stepping closer and resting his hands on Eddie's waist.
They're practically nose to nose. Buck would only have to lean down fractionally to bring their lips together. Eddie's eyes are wide and searching, trained on his as Buck stares back at him just as intently.
"I - uh," Buck stammers. "Sorry, I'm a little nervous."
"Yeah," Eddie huffs softly. "Me too."
"I think this is my last first kiss," Buck admits, not looking away from Eddie for even a second. The deep, familiar brown of his eyes is grounding.
"I know it's mine," Eddie says quietly.
The hairs on the back of Buck's neck stand on end with anticipation and he feels electricity sparking across his skin. His palms begin to sweat where they rest against Eddie's t-shirt.
"We could wait," Eddie offers, and Buck can feel that he's trembling slightly.
"We can," Buck agrees. "If you want to."
Eddie shakes his head. "I don't. Do you?"
"No."
Eddie smiles. Buck smiles back.
"Maybe we should just do it fast," Eddie suggests. "You know, like ripping off a bandaid."
Buck laughs shakily. "You think kissing me is gonna hurt?"
"No!" Eddie protests, indignant. "I just think the more we build it up, the more daunting it will seem."
"That's pretty sound reasoning," Buck assents. "I just want it to be good. Special, you know?"
"I know." Eddie nods. "It will be."
"How can you be so sure?" Buck asks sceptically.
"It's us," Eddie replies, all confidence.
"It is," Buck allows. "But we've never done this before."
"Buck," Eddie sighs. "It's going to be fine. Just stop arguing and kiss me if you want to kiss me."
"I'm not arguing," Buck argues.
Eddie rolls his eyes. "Por el amor de dios," he mutters, before tilting his chin up and pulling Buck down into a kiss.
A small gasp of surprise escapes Buck's lips, but Eddie doesn't take any notice, he only holds him tighter, and Buck melts into it. He closes his eyes and twists his fingers into the fabric of Eddie's shirt, dragging him closer.
The kiss goes on for longer than Buck is sure of, and even when the need for oxygen necessitates a brief pause, he only goes far enough to get a breath in, resting his forehead against Eddie's.
"See?" Eddie whispers. "Told you it would be fine."
"I'll never doubt you again," Buck promises against his lips before soundly kissing him again.
Pretty soon, Eddie's legs are wrapped around the back of Buck's thighs and his hands are in Buck's hair, pulling a little each time Buck nips along the line of his neck. Each time Buck's tongue makes contact with Eddie's skin, a little gasp spills out of him, and Buck is utterly intoxicated by it.
Now that he's allowed to touch Eddie this way, to kiss him, to hold him, Buck finds that he's insatiable. He drags his open mouth along Eddie's neck, pausing now and then to tease his teeth and tongue along his throat, revelling in the goosebumps that erupt across Eddie's skin. When he reaches the junction of Eddie's shoulder and bites down, Eddie arches up into him, tugging more roughly at Buck's curls.
Somewhere in the back of Buck's mind, he remembers some fleeting thought about taking their time and going slow. With an effort, he pulls his mouth from Eddie's skin and finds his eyes.
"Did you, uh -" Buck clears his throat and sucks in a shallow breath. Eddie's staring back at him with bright, eager eyes and rosy cheeks. His lips, still damp and kiss bitten, curve into a lazy smile.
"Should we take this slow?" Buck asks, exercising all of the restraint he possesses to not start feverishly kissing Eddie again.
"Uh," Eddie hesitates, like he's having trouble focusing on either processing or forming words. "I mean, we've been going pretty slow for the last seven years," he points out reasonably. "I don't think we have to go slow with this."
"Oh good." Buck drops his head against Eddie's shoulder and breathes a sigh of relief, and Eddie laughs softly into his hair. "Can I touch you?" he asks, probably too quickly. One of his hands resting on Eddie's waistband twitches in anticipation.
"Yeah," Eddie responds without hesitation, immediately shifting closer to the edge of the counter. "Did you want to go back to bed?"
Buck shakes his head. "Don't wanna wait," he mumbles, lifting his head and catching Eddie's lips in a purposeful, impatient kiss. He tightens his grip around Eddie's waist and pulls him off the counter in one swift motion, firmly pressing Eddie's hips back before dropping to his knees in front of him.
"Holy shit," Eddie breathes, watching slack-jawed as Buck tucks his fingers beneath his waistband.
"This okay?" Buck asks, gazing up through his eyelashes.
"Yeah, yes." Eddie nods swiftly, biting down on his lower lip. He releases a low hiss as Buck pulls down his pyjama pants, shoving them to just above his knees.
"Holy fuck." Buck forces himself to take a deep, steadying breath, swaying forward a little on instinct. "I can't believe I'm doing this."
"You don't have to," Eddie says quickly.
"No!" Buck shakes his head vehemently. "No, I want to - fuck, so bad - I just - yesterday I thought you were straight and off limits and now you're ...." Buck swallows.
"Yours?" Eddie provides, smiling a little lopsidedly.
"Mine," Buck echoes. It doesn't feel real. None of this feels real.
"Yeah," Eddie agrees, bringing his hand down to cup the side of Buck's face. Buck leans into the touch and closes his eyes. He turns his head and presses a kiss to the pulse point on Eddie's wrist.
"I love you," Buck says, looking up at him again. He says it because it's true, but also to remind himself that he can. He's allowed to love Eddie Diaz. He's allowed to be in love with him.
"I love you too." Eddie lifts his hand to rest it lightly in Buck's hair, fingers threading through his curls. "You're beautiful," he murmurs as Buck leans forward and presses a featherlight kiss above Eddie's hipbone.
Unwilling to look away from Eddie's face, Buck doesn't break eye contact. He peppers kisses across his skin, watching the fond admiration in Eddie's eyes mix with unmistakable arousal.
When Buck's lips wrap around him, Eddie's mouth falls open in a silent gasp, his eyes rolling back as a shudder runs through his entire body. Buck is instantly mesmerized. He's committed to discovering every new and previously unknown aspect of Eddie. Every expression he makes, every noise that claws out of his chest, every movement of his body as pleasure courses through his veins.
Buck never let himself imagine this. He'd told himself that he didn't want to. That he didn't care. That he wasn't even interested in finding out what it might be like. Now it feels like his one true calling in life.
If firefighting is Buck's passion, then this is his vocation. His entire existence has focused down into one objective, one purpose: to take Eddie Diaz apart.
"God, Buck," Eddie sighs, his fingers tightening but not pulling in Buck's hair. His pupils are huge and dark, blown out with desire, but his expression is no less adoring.
"You're so ..." he trails off, at a loss for words and Buck makes a small, encouraging noise in the back of his throat to prompt him to finish his thought.
"You're everything," Eddie murmurs, carding his fingers through Buck's hair. "You're my best friend." It's so overwhelmingly sincere, like it's the absolute highest compliment that Eddie could think to bestow in this moment.
Quite suddenly, Buck's eyes are prickling with tears that have nothing to do with his gag reflex being triggered. Gently, Eddie reaches down and swipes his thumbs across Buck's cheekbones, framing Buck's face with his large hands.
"I love you so much," Eddie whispers, his breath catching on the last word and his hips stuttering forward. Buck lifts one hand to steady him, holding Eddie firmly in place before he swallows around him.
Even as his pleasure intensifies, Eddie seems more focused on Buck than his mounting orgasm. He keeps his eyes open until the very last second, gaze trained unwaveringly on Buck's face, hands cupped around his cheeks, fingers trembling.
When he comes, it's with Buck's name on his lips, uttered like a prayer, soft and reverent, steeped in devotion.
Carefully, Buck pulls off and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, but before he can stand, Eddie already has his pants back up and is sinking down to the ground to meet him. He lands most of the way in Buck's lap and wraps his arms around him, tucking his face into Buck's neck and kissing the underside of his jaw.
"Thank you," Eddie says shakily and he sounds sort of wrecked.
"You don't have to thank me," Buck laughs softly, voice a little rough. "I wanted to."
"I know." Eddie nods and his nose bumps against Buck's chin. "I just - thanks anyway."
"Okay," Buck agrees with an easy smile. If Eddie wants to thank him, who is Buck to deny him? It's sort of painfully adorable actually. Buck doesn't think anyone's ever thanked him for a blowjob before. He doesn't think anyone's ever told him he's their best friend during sex either. He's experiencing a lot of firsts today.
Buck tilts his chin down in search of Eddie's lips and finds them easily, receiving a kiss so enthusiastic that it suffers in execution and their noses bump together. Eddie giggles into his mouth, and Buck is helpless to do anything but echo it back. And then they're laughing and kissing and completely wrapped up in each other. It's all incoordination and pure, unbridled joy, and Buck can't remember the last time he felt so free.
"Hey," Eddie says, catching his breath against Buck's lips. "Can I..." he hesitates, and Buck watches his eyelids flutter and his cheeks flush.
"Yeah, of course," Buck breathes. "Whatever you want."
"Yeah?" Eddie asks tentatively, a shy, hopeful smile playing on his lips.
"Anything," Buck answers.
So Eddie kisses him again, hard and fast, pouring all his intent into the kiss to fill the place of the words he hasn't yet learned to say. Eddie's hand finds its way into Buck's pants and his teeth find their way to Buck's neck and it's almost instantly too much.
There's a dull thud as Buck's head drops back and hits the kitchen cabinets, a strangled, pathetic sound passing his lips. Eddie's free hand immediately comes up to cradle the back of his head.
"You're alright," Eddie murmurs, lips brushing against Buck's skin. Another infinitely more pathetic noise punches out of Buck as Eddie's hand tightens fractionally around him, stroking him at an even, steady pace.
"It's okay," Eddie soothes, tone low and encouraging in a way that makes Buck's head spin. "You can let go."
"Eddie," Buck gasps, voice tight with warning as his fingers scramble against Eddie's shoulders.
"I'm here." Eddie gently kisses the side of Buck's neck before bringing his lips level with the shell of his ear. "I've got you, sweetheart."
Buck comes so hard he blacks out for a couple seconds, and when he manages to pull himself back to awareness, he's trembling in Eddie's arms. Eddie, who's peppering kisses across Buck's face like he's done it a million times before, kissing his cheeks and nose and forehead like he knows his way around.
"You okay?" Eddie asks, sitting back just enough to catch Buck's eye.
"Yeah." Buck nods, a little dizzy. "More than okay. Like way more than okay. Really good."
Eddie smiles. "Good."
"You're good?" Buck checks, looking Eddie over like he might find some indication of the opposite.
"Mhm," Eddie hums happily. "I'm really great actually."
"Good." Buck grins. "That's what I was going for."
"And you succeeded," Eddie assures him, leaning in again to press a kiss to Buck's lips. "In fact, I think we should probably do that again."
"Okay," Buck agrees, nudging his nose against Eddie's. "Whatever you say, baby."
"Baby?" Eddie raises an eyebrow.
"Uh, yeah - sorry, I should have checked," Buck stutters. "Is that, like, okay?"
"Mmm." Eddie scrunches his nose up. "I dunno. Say it again."
"Baby?"
"Again."
"Oh, fuck you," Buck huffs, shoving lightly at Eddie's shoulders.
"What?" Eddie pouts. "I'm not doing anything!"
"Yeah right." Buck rolls his eyes.
"I'm not," Eddie insists, pout deepening.
"Dick," Buck accuses without any heat.
"I prefer baby, actually," Eddie replies petulantly, and Buck is momentarily afraid that he's unlocked a side to Eddie that he's not altogether prepared to deal with on a regular basis without exploding out of his skin with cuteness aggression.
"You're insane," Buck mutters, shaking his head.
"No, I'm Eddie." Eddie's eyes dance with amusement, evidently quite pleased with his own horrible dad joke.
"Shut up," Buck groans. "I hate you."
"Nope." Eddie shakes his head. "No way. You already said you loved me. No take backs."
"Fine," Buck relents. "I do love you. But I think your dad jokes are stupid."
"I guess you'll just have to learn to deal with it," Eddie tells him seriously. "I'm a dad after all. There are going to be dad jokes."
"Do there have to be?"
Eddie pretends to consider for a moment. "Yes." He nods definitively. "Absolutely."
"And what if I said that was a dealbreaker?" Buck asks, narrowing his eyes.
"You wouldn't," Eddie replies confidently.
"No," Buck sighs. "I wouldn't.”
"I know." Eddie smiles smugly, and Buck retaliates by poking him in the side, which makes Eddie double over. As his best friend, Buck is privy to all the places where Eddie is the most ticklish.
"Buck, no!" Eddie pleads when Buck's fingers dig more insistently into his ribs. "Knock it off. I'm not even ticklish."
"Then why are you laughing?" Buck asks suspiciously.
"I'm not laughing," Eddie protests, definitely laughing.
"I dunno, Eddie. Kinda sounds like you're laughing," Buck insists.
"Enough." Eddie's fingers close around Buck's wrist effectively halting his movements.
"Jesus," Buck breathes, eyes widening and pulse quickening. Sometimes he forgets just how strong Eddie is.
"Oh?" Eddie raises his eyebrows and a knowing smirk slowly spreads across his face.
"Don't." Buck ducks his head, bashful, and looks away.
"Why not?" Eddie whispers playfully.
"You're gonna make me hard again," Buck complains, embarrassment colouring his cheeks.
"Oh no," Eddie responds sarcastically. "I'd really hate it if we had to have sex again so soon."
Surprised at Eddie's brazenness, Buck is momentarily at a loss for words, and before he can regain his voice, Eddie's expression shifts to one of concern.
"Is something burning?" he asks, letting go of Buck and looking around.
"Shit! The waffles!" Buck scrambles to his feet, nearly knocking Eddie to the ground in his haste to stand.
On the counter, the waffle iron is smoking profusely and Buck lunges forward to unplug it. He frowns in disappointment at the charred edges he sees sticking out. That's going to be a nightmare to clean later.
"So much for breakfast," Buck mutters dejectedly.
"It's alright," Eddie reassures him, appearing at Buck's side now that he's gained his footing. He rests his hand on the small of Buck's back. "We can just order in."
"But I wanted to make you waffles." It's Buck's turn to pout now and he really lays it on thick.
"I know." Eddie leans in and presses a placating kiss to Buck's temple (exactly the result he was hoping for). "And I appreciate the thought. It was very sweet of you to make me breakfast. I know your waffles would have been wonderful if I hadn't showed up and distracted you."
"If you say so," Buck agrees begrudgingly.
"I do." Eddie kisses his cheek this time, and all of Buck's disappointment fades away.
"Okay," Buck concedes, reaching down to take Eddie's hand in his.
"Come on." Eddie pulls him towards the hall. "Let's go get cleaned up and I'll order us breakfast."
They do take things slow for the rest of the morning. Achingly slow. They move at a leisurely pace as they clean up together in the bathroom, pausing for soft, lingering kisses and gentle touches. They lounge together on the couch while they wait for the pancakes Eddie ordered to arrive, and they sit beside each other at the dining room table to eat, hands joined between their plates. They're in no rush to get through breakfast either, both struggling a little to eat one-handed, but neither willing to initiate separation.
After breakfast, they migrate back over to the couch and Buck situates himself between Eddie's legs, back resting against Eddie's chest, with Eddie's chin hooked over his shoulder.
"I really am sorry I freaked out," Buck says, thinking back to last night and how this all began.
"It's okay, sweetheart." Eddie really does sound sincere, but Buck makes a doubtful sound anyway. It's not alright to him. It still wasn't fair to Eddie.
"I promise," Eddie insists. He kisses Buck's birthmark to prove it and that does, admittedly, make him feel a little better.
"I just," Buck starts and stops. He takes a breath. "I guess I just built it up so much in my head that I needed you to be straight so I wouldn't have to deal with feeling like I wanted this alone." He gestures at their intertwined position. "It would have hurt too much."
"I get that," Eddie says quietly, giving Buck's shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I probably would have felt the same way if I was in your shoes."
"Yeah." Buck shrugs. "And I mean, Tommy was bad enough." Eddie makes a small, disgruntled sound against Buck's ear and he quickly keeps talking. "But then Maddie said something too and I thought, if she thinks it wouldn't be so crazy for me to be in love with you then maybe it wouldn't! And the only way I could prevent dealing with that was by you being straight and -"
"Wait a second." Eddie cuts off Buck's rambling. "You're telling me that both your ex-boyfriend and your sister thought there was something going on between us and that didn't make you question the nature of our relationship?"
"No." Buck shakes his head. "You were straight!"
"I was straight," Eddie says slowly. "So therefore you - not straight, for the record - couldn't have been in love with me?"
"Well, no." Buck frowns. "I wouldn't do that."
"Why not?" Eddie asks, sounding confused.
"I wasn't just going to fall in love without you, Eddie. That wouldn't be -" Buck pauses, tries to gather his thoughts into something coherent. Looking back on it now, it does feel like pretty flimsy reasoning. He's surprised it held up for as long as it did. "That's not how we do things," Buck finally lands on. "Either we were going to be in love with each other together or not at all."
"Oh." Eddie sounds surprised, but touched. "I - yeah. That makes sense."
"I'm glad you're not though," Buck goes on after a moment. "Straight, I mean. Even if I had a borderline panic attack about it in your driveway."
Eddie chuckles softly. "Would it make you feel better to know that I drove the wrong way down a one way street after you told me you'd been on a date with a man?"
"What?" Buck sits up, casting Eddie a wide-eyed look over his shoulder. "No you didn't!"
"I did," Eddie confirms solemnly. "I swear."
"But you seemed so calm and cool about the whole thing!"
"Of course." Eddie nods. "I wanted you to be comfortable, and honestly I didn't even know why I was feeling so weird about it at the time. But yeah, I was pretty shaken up on that drive home."
"Wow." Buck blinks several times and shakes his head slowly in disbelief. "I never would have guessed."
"Well." Eddie shrugs. "I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings. Even from myself, as it turns out." He smiles wryly.
"Hey, speaking of," Buck starts, turning to face Eddie and looping his arms around his neck. "When did you figure it out?"
Eddie wraps his arms around Buck's waist, holding him steady in his lap. "That I wasn't straight, or that I was in love with you?"
"Both." Buck shrugs. "Either."
"Well," Eddie considers for a moment. "The whole," he waves a hand, "figuring out that I was gay thing is a bit more ... complicated."
"Right." Buck nods. "Because of the sea monkeys."
"What?" Eddie barks a startled laugh, his face wrinkling in confusion.
"The Catholic guilt?" Buck raises his eyebrows. "All that complicated religious shit bubbling under the surface." He pokes Eddie lightly in the chest for emphasis.
"Ah, yeah." Eddie swallows. "Something like that."
"We don't have to get into it," Buck assures him, sensing Eddie's hesitation.
"We will," Eddie promises. "Just maybe not today."
"Sure," Buck agrees, unbothered. Eddie will tell him in his own time. "How about the other thing?" He tilts his head inquisitively to one side.
"You mean figuring out that I was in love with you?"
Buck nods.
"Well that's easy. It happened right over there." Eddie motions to a spot a few feet away from the couch.
"It did?" Buck asks, surprised.
"It did," Eddie confirms. "You were standing right there." Eddie inclines his head towards the mantelpiece. "And you said 'I'm your renter' and I knew that I was absolutely, utterly fucked."
Buck stares at him.
"And there was exactly nothing I could do about it." Eddie laughs a little nervously. "Because I had to leave and you were staying and I loved you because you were staying, for me and for Chris. I just knew. You were it for me. You'd been there right in front of me the entire time and I'd been too much of an idiot to see it, and then I realized too late to be able to do a damn thing about it." He lets out a long, slow breath.
"Oh," Buck breathes, mind reeling. "You could have - I would have come with you, you know," he says, because apparently that's the first thing that pops into his head when he thinks about that day.
"I know." Eddie smiles sadly. "I know you would have, but I wasn't ready to ask."
"Yeah." Buck nods. "I know. And - and neither was I," he admits. "But, just, for the record, I would have gone."
"I know you would," Eddie repeats, holding Buck a little tighter.
"And you can," Buck hesitates, he swallows thickly. "You can ask now," he whispers. "Wherever you are, wherever you go, I want to be there too."
"Yeah." Eddie nods, expression melting into something soft and overwhelmingly fond. "Me too."
For a moment, they just look at each other, quietly taking each other in.
"You're it for me too," Buck confesses quietly. "I think I always sort of knew that, underneath all the denying my feelings and putting you off limits - I just ... it was always going to be you, Eddie."
Eddie lifts one hand to cup Buck's jaw, lightly running his fingertips across his cheek. Buck leans into the touch, feeling more at home than he ever has.
"It couldn't have been anyone but you for me either," Eddie admits quietly, brushing his thumb along Buck's chin. "I think I was waiting my whole life for you."
That hits Buck squarely in the chest. For a moment he's breathless, unable to form a single word.
"Sorry," Eddie laughs self-consciously. "That probably sounds insane."
"No." Buck shakes his head. "Not at all. I know exactly what you mean."
"You do?" Eddie glances tentatively up at him through his eyelashes.
"Yeah." Buck nods. "I mean, until literally twelve hours ago I'd gone through my entire life feeling like I was searching for something that I just couldn't find, and it didn't matter how many people I had that cared about me or how many good decisions I tried to make, it always just felt like something was missing."
Eddie nods in encouragement for him to go on.
"And I just sort of thought I was going to feel that way forever, or maybe everyone did, but I just couldn't stop wanting it," Buck explains. He knows he's rambling, and he isn't even sure if he's making sense, but the words won’t stop now that they've started. "I was alone for my entire life until I found you. And I don't mean that literally - I had Maddie, I had friends - but I was never anybody's first choice until you."
Eddie's eyebrows draw together and he opens his mouth to say something, but Buck rushes to keep talking. "I mean, I know Christopher comes first, always. I just mean, I wasn't ever the person anyone would call first. I always want to fix things, I want to help with the important stuff and you're the only one who lets me. You make me feel," he sucks in a shallow, unsteady breath, "like I matter."
"You do matter," Eddie replies with conviction. He wraps his arms more securely around Buck's middle and pulls him closer. "You matter so much to me, and to Chris. You're part of our family. You have been for a very long time."
For the second time that morning, Buck's eyes sting with unexpected tears and he lifts a hand to wipe them away.
"Hey," Eddie murmurs, catching Buck's wrist once his face is dry. He presses a gentle kiss to the back of Buck's hand. "It's okay."
"I know." Buck sniffles. He shrugs helplessly. "This is all just a lot." When Eddie looks worried Buck adds, "Good a lot, just, a lot."
"Mm." Eddie nods in understanding. "Well, it's nothing that wasn't true yesterday or the day before or any time in the last seven years. I just wasn't kissing you about it yet."
Slowly, a smile spreads across Buck's face. "You mean that?" he asks, less because he doesn't know the answer and more just to hear Eddie say it.
Eddie huffs fondly and nuzzles into Buck's cheek. "You know I do."
"Yeah," Buck agrees, turning his face to nose along Eddie's cheek until he finds his lips.
He does know that Eddie loves him. He always has. He's just got a lot more tangible evidence now. Eddie kisses him deep and slow, pouring every ounce of the reassurance Buck's been seeking straight into his mouth. It floods through him, down his throat, into his chest, and settles in his core, warm and glowing.
Time sort of loses meaning after that. One moment blends seamlessly into the next, and Buck gets lost in a blur of kisses and smiles and Eddie. It might be the best morning of his life and then it hits him that it's only the first. There will be more days like this, more mornings spent in Eddie's arms, more kisses tinged with pancakes and maple syrup, more murmured conversations about feelings fit to be shared only with each other.
This is the beginning of the rest of Buck's life. Because he knows he'll keep on loving Eddie forever and he knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Eddie will love him too. That's the thing about the two of them, they always operate as a two-man team.
Where Eddie goes, Buck follows. And right now, Eddie's holding his hand and looking into his eyes and promising their future, and Buck can't wait to find out what it holds.