Chapter Text
Socked feet tiptoe across creaky wooden floorboards as the the wind howls outside on a blustery winter morning. The unexpected sound of a soft tenor voice cuts right through the howling wind and Zhang Hao's focus on his studies, awakening him from the dull scratching of his quill against thick hanji paper as he was annotating Mencius' works once again. Sleep had not been easy for Hao for months now throughout this time, and after falling asleep amongst his books, he had woken long before the sun rose in the distance to begin his studies once again. Just as sure as the sun would rise, Hao would be found pouring over his studies.
He had not stirred earlier in the morning when his mother brought him a breakfast of a steaming bowl of soup with warm barley rice on the side, and it continues to sit in the same place, cold, but even the distant sound of a familiar voice ringing across the courtyard broke through his focus and had Hao stumbling across the floor to press his ear against the window covered in thick white paper.
He would recognize the voice anywhere, and he would abandon his studies in a heartbeat at the sound of it. The howling wind outside obscures the young man’s words, jumbling and carrying them far beyond the hanok complex to where Hao is unable to piece together the phrases of the light conversation. He presses his ear even closer to the paper in hopes that the few extra centimeters might help him soak up any of the muted words being shared between the guest and his mother. However, he is careful to not lean to far as it would not be the first time his curiosity came at the cost of paper lining the windows.
The voices grow louder as Hao presses himself against the window, threatening to fall through as he eagerly leans his weight against the fragile material, and his heart hammers against his breastbone as the voices draw near. Through the paper, he can see two figures lazily strolling closer to his study where he now stands, just waiting to be caught as he was attempting to eavesdrop. With a gasp, the young man stumbles across the room back to the table where his books lie haphazardly and his ink brush has soaked black ink through the paper where he had left it. Flustered, he sucks in deep breaths in an attempt to compose himself while straightening his outer robes. He watches closely; his eyes never leave the door, waiting for the surprise guest.
Within moments, the door to his study slides open tentatively, bathing the entire room in a muted glow from the cloudy skies overhead. Feigning nonchalance, Hao blinks up from his work, a soft smile fixed on his lips.
"Oh, you're here?" He asks casually, ignoring the thrumming of his heart in his chest.
"Don't act so surprised. I saw you eavesdropping through the door," Hanbin smiles, slipping his shoes off and untying his gat before placing it haphazardly on top of a shelf with a mischievous, crooked grin taunting Hao. He had been caught, though he hardly minds the embarrassment when it comes to Hanbin. If he could see his friend's smile for even a moment, his own shame was worth it.
Hiding his own smile, Hao stares back down at his brush where it bleeds through the paper yet again, staining the underside of his hand. His nonchalant act is up, and he curses to himself, simple vulgarities falling from his lips at the sight. From across the small room, Hanbin bellows in laughter, doubling over at watching his friend, who usually has the finest manners and composition, swear more crassly than the lower class men in the market after a long day. Hao strikes the young man with a vicious glare as he cups his dirtied hand in the other, staring up at him through his lashes, which only makes Hanbin laugh even louder.
"Aren't you going to help me," he bites, snapping at Hanbin where he stands watching Hao embarrass himself from across the room.
"Of course, your majesty. I give my life you serve you," Hanbin folds his hands to his abdomen and bows at his waist, articulating with a mocking tone only used for the royal family. When he rises, the book lined with large ink stains flies in the air, narrowly missing him, but only because Hanbin was a hair quicker than he was. Hao's mother would be terribly upset to hear that he had ruined one of his books and was treating another member of the yangban so crudely, but the book had already been ruined and there were no such rules of society in the privacy of his room with Hanbin next to him.
After sliding out of then way of the projectile book, Hanbin slips on the wooden floor in his stark white socks, miming a jester in his exaggerated dance as he catches his balance again. A porcelain basin filled with water sits on the floor, next to the breakfast that Hao had forgotten earlier in the morning, and wordlessly, Hanbin takes a folded linen and dips it into basin, wetting it.
Expecting to be handed the cloth, Hao raises his free hand arrogantly after demanding to be serviced by the man. Instead, Hanbin gingerly takes the hand he had raised into his own, holding it as he takes a place on the warm heated ondol floor at his side, placing his clean hand in his lap. Hao's heartbeat thuds in his ears, the only sound between them in the quiet of the morning Hanbin's soft breathing as the still air catches in Hao's chest. He watches the man with surprised eyes as Hanbin leans over him to pull his dirtied hand towards himself.
"What are you doing," Hao whispers as Hanbin tenderly holds his hand within his own, using the linen cloth himself to wipe away the stark black ink from where it was staining the milky white skin of his fingers and the underside of his palm.
"You always make a mess of yourself," Hanbin scolds, flickering his gaze from their hands to catch Hao's eyes through his lashes. Warmth floods Hao's cheeks and instead of his usual propensity for a witty remark, he nods bashfully instead, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.
Hanbin is careful, clearing the ink expertly. The water is cool against Hao's skin, but Hanbin's hands burn flaming hot against him; a violent mix of temperatures to match the tumultuous feelings in his own chest. The ink blots off his skin easily, but a dark shadow remains that Hao knows he will have to rinse more diligently on his own. However, he is now more concerned with Hanbin's gentle touch.
When Hanbin deems his hand clean enough to pass back to him, Hao pulls it tight it to his chest as Hanbin rises again to put the now-ink stained cloth near the basin once more. Light as a feather on his feet, he bends to pick the book that Hao had thrown at him moments earlier. Crooked smile still on his face, Hanbin strides the rest of the room, standing right in front of Hao before flipping open the book to the last page the ink puddle had stained, bending to place it neatly on the table covering Hao's crossed legs.
With less care, Hanbin folds his knees at Hao's side, toppling into a pile on the floor next to his friend and using the empty space on the table for leverage for his elbow. The tense air between them from the sudden heated moment just prior dissipates in thin air, leaving only the casual friendliness of two lifelong companions. Hanbin's smile is easy and full of his usual mischief, and Hao rolls his eyes from where he sits rail straight above him.
"What brings the youngest son of the lauded Sung family to this humble man's residence?" They have not spoken in polite honorifics since their first meeting, but at times, it does bring a smile to his face to tease Hanbin with the lofty tone.
Groaning, Hanbin rolls his eyes with dramatic fervor before free falling backwards in a pile of light blue silk from his hanbok as his back meets the heated floor. "I've never known a man less humble than you, my lord," he smiles more boldly from where he lies on the floor. Hao rolls his own eyes, but he does not hide his smile any longer, allowing it raise his lips softly. His heart thuds a constant, unrelenting rhythm in his chest at the man's thigh pressed to his knee where he lies, the warmth radiating from his skin heating Hao's limbs more than the warmth from the heating system beneath them.
"'That boy is too listless. He refuses to study even with the civil servant exam coming soon.'" Hanbin's face sours and his nose scrunches as he mimics the tone that Hao could only assume is an impression of his father. "Apparently my family has grown tired of my antics, and my eommeonim has sent me on an errand to the market. They also believe the only son of the Zhang family might be a good influence on my studies, and your eommeonim thought it was a wonderful idea for you to get out of your study for an afternoon."
"I've not finished annotating this passage,” Hao answers without a second thought, excusing himself politely to Hanbin’s plans naturally like he done to others many times before. “You can go on without me. We can plan for another outing in the future, but I am much too busy at the moment," Hao denies with practiced ease. He had always been rigorous in his studies, but with the exam quickly approaching, he had become a recluse of sorts. He drowned in his reading and annotating, losing himself within his focus and forgetting even the simplest actions of eating and sleeping to cram as much as he can before the dreaded date. He had never been carefree and easygoing, but it was not just the exam, but also the crushing weight of the future of his family resting on his shoulders that held him within the confines of his study.
"Your eommeonie says you've been getting nosebleeds and sometimes it is difficult for you to breath, Hyung-ah," Hanbin's tone lowers, eyes ducking to their laps as he takes Hao's fingers in his grasp once again. This time, his touch is not so sudden, and Hao allows himself to ease into it as Hanbin holds his unstained fingers within his hand.
"I have to do well." It is not simply a goal for Hao, but the well-being of his entire family rests on the results of one examination. Two generations of his family had passed without a civil servant in their family, and they were at risk of losing their status if he did not pass. Slowly over generations, their wealth and honor had been stripped from them with each failed exam taker, and he would not continue that legacy and be a burden to his family.
He hadn't just been getting nosebleeds, but frequent headaches, his chest hurt often, it became difficult to breathe, and even if he allowed himself to sleep at night, his mind would race, running over the endless precepts he is meant to memorize, paired with the sharp eyes of his father staring back at him in disappointment.
"You will," Hanbin squeezes his hand gently. "I can already picture you with an aisahwa on your head, Hao-yah. Flowers will rain down in front of your eyes as you score higher than the rest of the examinees. There is no reason to fret."
Hanbin's words are impossible, a dream in which Hao has never given himself the luxury of believing, but he wants to. He wants to picture it himself, working alongside the king, bestowing honor on his family, though it is far from the future he had always dreamed of for himself. He nods solemnly; it is no use arguing with Hanbin when he is firm in his beliefs and also holds him so tenderly. Anxiety washes down his face and his neck like cold water, tensing his shoulders, but there is little he wants other than to spend the day alongside Hanbin.
"Come with me," Hanbin pleas, and there is no way Hao could deny him.
༄❀࿐
"Did your eommeonie give you any specific errands, or did she just want you out of the house?" Hao asks bluntly as they walk side-by-side in the marketplace. The icy wind nips at his exposed cheeks and nose, biting at his tender skin, but he breathes in the crisp winter air—a contrast from his stuffy study.
"Of course," Hanbin smiles at his side, bumping into him. His words are muffled by the thick hat covering his ears and the soft roar of the busy market, even on a blustery winter morning. "My winter coat has begun to wear thin," he spins at Hao's side, showing off the holes worn into the thick fabric as if it is something to brag about, encouraging a soft chuckle from Hao's lips. Hanbin's eyes light up at the sound, his cheeks burning a soft pink from the wind underneath his own thick hat.
Hao rolls his eyes yet again, though this time in express fondness for the man at his side. Leaning onto one foot, he brushes their shoulders together, nudging the man softly. "Let's go find you a new coat before it starts to snow. We can't have you catching a cold before the exams," he laughs, the sound joyful and exuberant, and wholly unlike his earlier anxiety-ridden and exhausted excuses. The frozen air is sharp in his lungs, but he is glad Hanbin convinced him to join him on his errand. The icy cold anxiety coursing through his veins has been replaced by the chill of the air against his skin and the warmth of his cheeks and ears as he flushes with each of Hanbin's advances.
The largest shop in the market, the tailor, is filled from top to bottom with swaths of different colored fabrics, from delicate silks to sturdy hemp stacked in heaps. Despite the chill, clotheslines of freshly dyed fabric whip in the wind, capturing the awe of both men as they stare in wonder at the vibrant displays of color dancing in the harsh wind. As they gape at the rows of fabric blowing with the wind, a fine silk the color of the sky in the spring loses both of the pins that had been holding it solidly to the clothesline. The fabric catches in the bitter wind, carrying it off the line and into the air, floating above their heads delicately.
"Oh!" Hao gasps in surprise at the sight. His hands, covered in thick mittens reach above their heads to grasp at the cloth, but the silk slips through the knitted material covering his fingers. Hanbin turns his head at his side, eyes sparkling with wonder and mischief as he catches Hao's gaze. With a full-bellied laugh, they pause for a long moment, weighing each other’s delighted gazes before turning at once to bound down the street to chase after the fabric as it floats innocently away from their grasps.
Laughter echoes throughout the market as they run side-by-side, chasing after the fabric as it floats lazily in the wind. Hao's hat loosens on his head, hanging between his shoulders by the thin ribbons holding them together, and Hanbin's own mittens go flying, getting lost in the playful game as they chase down the silk.
The wind settles for the briefest moment, allowing the men to catch up to where it has flown. The beautiful blue silk slowly floats down from above their hearts between their heaving chests. Flushed from running and from the icy wind, both boys reach their hands up to grasp at the fabric at the same time. The movement pushes them together, their heaving chests colliding unexpectedly with a pair of surprised 'oof's. In slow motion it appears, the fabric floats between them, and Hanbin's free arm naturally wraps around the small of Hao's waist, holding him close.
Breathing in sync, with the blue fabric grasped between both of their fingers, the world around them slows. Hanbin is flushed a deep pink, his eyes blown wide and his lips parted. Hao looks much the same, and his eyes dart between Hanbin's open lips and his eyes. The world spins around them, stopping just for the two of them. Hanbin's tongue slips between his lips, and Hao's heart pounds in his chest.
"We should take this back," Hanbin finally speaks after clearing his throat when a loud crash from one of the food stalls behind them breaks the tension hanging in the air. Hao nods once, stepping out of Hanbin's light grasp easily. His breathing is still ragged from running, unused to much physicality, especially as of recent, but warmth runs through his veins and a smile lines his lips.
"Maybe they will give you a discount for saving such beautiful fabric," Hao offers, cutting through the heavy atmosphere between them. Hanbin laughs, a light and airy thing, the loveliest sound that Hao had ever heard.
"Eommeonie might never let me out again if she hears I was bargaining like that," he laughs, pulling the silk fabric from Hao's hands to delicately fold it over his forearm.
"I doubt that. You were kicked out of your home for being an irritant. I doubt that will ever stop," Hao laughs before turning on his heel to walk back through the winding market to the tailor shop.
"Hey!" Hanbin yells from behind him accusingly, though there is a clear smile in his voice. Hanbin jogs to catch up to him, his bare fingers brushing against Hao's as he reaches his side. Hao's instinct is to pull his hand away, to cover them in his mittens again where he had stored them in his pocket, but he allows himself this little indulgence. The wind blows violently again, nipping at their bare fingers, but both men pretend not to notice as the soak in the warmth from the other's fingers.
At the tailor shop, the pins that had been holding the fabric up sit mockingly right under the empty space where the blue silk had hung. With the return of the prodigal silk fabric, the owner bestowed gratitude and compliments to the yangban over and over, though Hanbin, as humble as he is, denied his thanks each time, simply pinning the fabric back to the line himself with a smile on his face. Hao watches from behind his shoulder, disguising his own smile as he relishes in watching Hanbin's polite demeanor with anyone who isn't Hao himself. He is the only one who gets to see the man's real personality, and the evidence of that in public or with their respective families always brings a knowing smile to his face.
"Wait," Hanbin calls before Hao steps into the shop ahead of him. Confused, he turns around to face him, eyes wide in question. Standing on the ledge of the shop, Hao looks down at Hanbin, who has a light smile lining his lips. Wordlessly, Hanbin raises both of his hands, grasping at Hao's shoulders .
"What are you—," he begins to question, heart thudding in his ears at Hanbin's close proximity. The faint outline of dimples on Hanbin's cheeks appear as he shakes his head lightly, looking up at Hao through his long eyelashes. Hao stills, uncertain as Hanbin continues to lean in. His eyes flicker to Hanbin's lips, and a wave of guilt crashes into him at the thought. He breaks their eye contact, attempting to step out of Hanbin's embrace, but Hanbin pulls him even closer by his shoulders.
"Let me fix your hat," Hanbin lowers his voice, and Hao flushes, embarrassed and excited all at the same time. He nods a single time, avoiding eye contact yet again as Hanbin gingerly pulls the hat back over his ears and his now-messy top knot. He holds his breath as Hanbin pulls the ribbon holding it closed, the man leaning in even closer as he ties it into a neat bow underneath his chin, securing it once again to his head.
Risking a glance, a small indulgence he should not allow himself, Hao catches Hanbin's cheeks flushing a ruddy red and he silently notes that his bottom lip is pulled between his teeth harshly. He would scold him, as this is one of his worst habits, but then he might have to admit that he was watching his lips when they were in such close proximity.
Satisfied with the bow underneath Hao's chin, Hanbin takes a step back with a wide smile at his work. "Perfect," he exclaims, and Hao bashfully ducks his head to avoid his eye contact. Turning on his heels in an attempt to disguise the blush coating his cheeks, the young man stumbles on his feet clumsily, tripping over the very threshold he had been standing on. As if waiting for him to fall, Hanbin's arm wraps around his waist yet again, pulling him steadily to his side, their hips aligning sharply as he pulls him close.
"Be careful, Hyung-ah," Hanbin whispers in his ear, the warm air from his lips tickling his skin and lighting strikes across his body from his heated words. Hanbin slips the arm out from behind his back once Hao regains his balance, stepping into the shopfront and immediately slipping into conversation with the owner again as if the moment had never happened, this time about the real errand he had been tasked with.
Thanking the heavens that it was a cold and blustery day and the wind biting at his cheeks was plenty explanation for the flush coating his face, Hao steadies himself, sucking in deep breaths as he watches Hanbin from behind as the shop owner guides him to the heavier fabrics. His shoulders straight and his posture perfect, along with the lovely features of his face, even from a distance, Sung Hanbin is the most handsome man Hao's eyes have ever been graced with viewing. Ever since he was a child, he liked watching Hanbin like this, from afar as a distant observer, but now that he knows his own heart, he savors the delicate, yet handsome beauty of the man.
"Zhang Hao-nim, which one do you think is better," Hanbin's youthful voice calls, addressing him politely simply because they were in public and the sons of two important men. He holds swatches of two thick fabrics of muted colors in his hand. Forcing a smile on his face, Hao ducks into the shop, ignoring the soft hammering in his chest and the ringing in his ears from the prior interaction with Hanbin.
Hanbin holds out the two pieces of fabric in question, a grey and a dark blue in his hand, an eyebrow raised expectantly. Striding across the length of the store, Hao reaches Hanbin's side, gingerly taking the samples of fabric into his hand to examine them both. The tips of their fingers brush yet again, but he ignores the feeling to run his thumbs over the expanse of the fabric.
"You always look the best in blue," he finally answers, looking up at Hanbin through his lashes as he passes the samples of fabric back to the man. Hanbin blinks at him through wide eyes, seemingly taken aback by the comment. They hold each others' gaze for far too long, Hao believes, but he cannot seem to tear his eyes away from Hanbin's as he looks back at him in wonder.
A feigned cough pulls their attention away, as the shop owner interrupts the moment. Hanbin lets out an awkward laugh at the situation, returning to his outwardly polite image once again. "Blue it is," he smiles warmly in the man's direction.
The rest of their visit to the tailor finishes in what seems to be record speed, which Hao highly suspects is due to the man wishing to rid his store of the strange young men. Hanbin's measurements are taken quickly and money is passed between them and they are being pushed out of the shop before Hao can even recognize what has happened.
Stunned, they blink in surprise, both from the hastiness of the shop owner and from the bright white haze of the grey skies overhead as their eyes adjust. Just as Hao's eyes come back into focus, the smallest of snowflakes float lazily in front of his eyes, swaying back and forth as it falls to the ground.
Hao gasps, "It's snowing!"
Automatically, Hanbin turns his chin up to the sky, catching a snowflake right as it falls onto the warmth of his cheek. He lets out a surprised laugh, turning his head back towards Hao so his friend could see the wonder of it before it melts into his cheek and disappears forever. Under their matching winter hats. they laugh together incredulously at the sight.
Raising his palm to catch the few snowflakes as they fall, one, two, three land in the warmth of his palm before melting into small puddles on Hao's skin. A joyful smile, one he hasn't shared in months it feels like, graces his face—rounding out the apples of his cheeks and closing his eyes. Soft laughter resounds between them. When Hao opens his eyes again. He finds Hanbin simply watching him, the corner of his mouth upturned in a secret smile, one that even after all these years of knowing the man, he can still never understand the meaning of.
Hao's smile drops slowly, another heady moment settling between them. Before he can pull his hand to his side, Hanbin's warm fingers, even in the icy cold of the afternoon, wrap around his own. "Come with me," he appeals, waiting for Hao's answer, which he receives in the form of a slow, uncertain nod. A lovely grin overtakes his face, one full of mischief, before he pulls on Hao's hand, tugging him down the crowded street of the market.
"Where are you taking me," he laughs, allowing himself to be led wherever Hanbin decides to take him. He should be returning to his studies now, where his books sit untouched and stained in ink, but he hardly even remembers any obligations he has outside of holding Hanbin's hand.
"It's a secret," Hanbin turns back to beam at him, dimples lining his cheeks like whiskers of one of the cats lazing around the marketplace. Hao is not fond of secrets or surprises, but he allows Hanbin to take him to whatever secret place he had planned without arguing. Winding through the market, it does not take long for Hao to understand exactly where Hanbin is leading him, when it is a place that lives in many of their childhood memories together.
A small pavilion sits in the distance, painted red wood cutting through the bare landscape where it sits flush to a completely still pond, frozen over with the chill of winter. Unlike the busy market, it is completely free ofthe bustling crowds—a secret place for just the two of them.
Hanbin leads Hao across the grass as it crunches under their shoes. Snow continues to fall lazily all around them as they brush shoulders along the way. The wind bites at Hao's exposed fingers and his cheeks, but he hardly even notices with the warmth of Hanbin's hand covering him. Painstakingly, Hanbin holds his hand all the way up the stairs, treating him like a helpless maiden, though Hao hardly minds as he gets to hold Hanbin close.
Under the cover of the enclosed pavilion, the whistling wind silences and the only sound between them is the falling of the snow and their own heartbeats. Hao leans over the edge, peering into the frozen pond underneath them, watching as small snowflakes fall slowly on the ice. He had left his spectacles at home in the rush to leave, but if he squints hard enough, he can just make out the shapes of the snowflakes as they freeze on the ice.
In his focus, Hao only registers Hanbin's presence next to him when their shoulders bump. He ignores the man, watching the snow fall delicately and land in front of them, but his heartbeat rings in his ears at the close proximity.
"Are you happy that you came with me?" Hanbin asks softly, his tone only just above a whisper. Hao leans his torso fully against the wooden ledge before turning his head in Hanbin's direction. All of the earlier mischief is erased from his face, and it is replaced with the genuine concern from earlier in the morning.
Hao hums softly in agreement. There is the constant thrumming of anxiety that underlies everything he does now, flowing through his veins at all moments, but next to Hanbin, away from his studies, it has dulled. It is no longer so sharp or icy as it courses through his body. He can breathe easier, which he does, dramatically in front of Hanbin as the tight restriction is no longer there in the moment.
"I am always happy at your side, Hanbin-ah," he answers honestly. Hanbin's smile in return is terse, unlike all of the joyous grins he had received from the man all day, and Hao is now aware that his condition had been burdening his friend, the man he loves, all along.
Slowly, Hanbin raises one of his hands, bringing his fingers to Hao's face. He tries to back away at the sudden contact, but tenderly, Hanbin brushes unwieldy stray hairs that had fallen out of his topknot from the excitement earlier away from his face and underneath his hat. The action is so soft that Hao is hardly able to feel the brush of Hanbin's fingertips against his temples, but Hanbin's eyebrows are drawn together in focus and a heavy emotion that Hao is unsure of.
"Please stop worrying me, Hyung-ah," Hanbin whispers as his fingers continue to brush hairs away from his face. Hanbin pauses, his fingers hovering away from his temple before catching Hao's gaze. Hao is struck by his sincerely anxious expression, taken aback by the man's plea to him.
A lump forms in his throat that Hao swallows down along with the wetness in his eyes. He nods, unable to speak for the moment. It's not often that Hao feels so exposed in front of another person, privacy one of his favored virtues, but in front of Hanbin like this, it's as if the man can see right through him; though, Hao suspects that he could see inside of Hanbin just the same.
"No, Hao-yah. Please promise me. You cannot keep hurting yourself," Hanbin's voice wavers, his hand finally making contact with Hao's head, holding him gently. It is not a promise that Hao believes he can keep, not when the stakes are so high and he has so much to prove, but he can say yes to Hanbin like this. He can nod and smile and pretend so that Hanbin is no longer burdened with his own worries.
His agreement seems like enough for Hanbin, and his smile in return is enough for Hao. A day spent away from his studies with Hanbin at his side is enough to keep him full and sated for the time that they will spend apart, at least for now. As Hao falls to sleep late in the night, with the warmth of the floor bleeding through his clothes, he smiles simply at the memory of laughing alongside Hanbin and counting snowflakes as they drifted from the sky. There is much to worry about in the future, but he could live off the sweetness left on his tongue simply from Hanbin's presence.
༄❀࿐
Hao remembers the very first time he saw Hanbin under the summer sun, though Hanbin always recalls the rain as his family traversed through the mud of the waning spring just to greet the Zhang family. The sunshine he recalls was simply a lapse in memory, history rewritten from the moment he laid eyes on his greatest friend—his only friend.
The only son of a failed scholar who was also the son of a disgraced official, Zhang Hao lived a solitary and lonely life from the moment of his birth. He was raised lavishly with love, though their status waned and the anxieties of his parents bled into each of their affections they laid heavily upon him. He was their only hope, the hope of their entire lineage, the hope of his future ancestors, and he lived with that pressure draped over his shoulders from the moment he could even conceive of the future.
Wealth was far removed from his family, though they did not live impoverished lives like the lower classes. Academies and private tutors were inconceivable, and he lived each moment pouring over his studies alone, unlike his peers. He suffered alone, he studied alone, and he found no companionship in the other boys in their village.
On the fated rainy day, the day lit by the warmth of Sung Hanbin's smile, the news that a new official had been stationed in their village traveled quickly. All it meant to Hao was more competition at the bookstores for stationary and new books to study. It was simply another family who would turn their noses up at his family with their higher status. Curiosity still got the better of him, and the sound of a crowd gathering distracted him from the text he was reading at the time. Sneaking away from his study, tiptoeing to the stone wall outline their home, Hao peeked over, intrigued by the newcomers.
A family of three boys, a kind-faced mother and a stern, yet jovial father. The oldest boys were tall, late into their teenage years already with the graceful arrogance that would have been inherited along with the straight slope of their noses and the bright eyes they each carried. A small crowd gathered against the walls outlining the street, curiosity overtaking much of the surrounding areas at the new faces.
Just as Hao began to lose interest, bright, wide eyes staring right at him caught his attention. A boy just his age peered back at him across the street, curious as he blinked back at Hao where he had tried to hide from sight. They watched each other silently, taking in the image of the other, one celebrated and surrounded by people and one hidden and alone. It was a stark juxtaposition that would outline the rest of their lives together, but Hao would never concern himself with that comparison.
Found out, caught in the act as he had been sneaking away from his studies by this young boy, Hao's heart stilled, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Instead, the widest, most brilliant smile would break out on the boys soft face. A smile so sunny that Hao would forget the raindrops bleeding through his inner robes at the time. A child without many smiles, his mother would call him often, sadly, but he returned the same expression, a smile lighting up his entire face in the wake of this stranger.
It would be days until Hao had seen Hanbin again, his father paying them a visit with the young boy hiding behind his back bashfully when he greeted Hao's father. Hao did the same, poking his nose out behind a doorway at the voices. Again, Hanbin would greet him with a brilliant smile that Hao would return just the same.
At eleven and ten years old, Hao and Hanbin found each other. It was instant companionship, right from the very start. They were the same, from their childhood until ten years later as adults. Little time was ever spent away from each other from the very first moment their lives converged. Hao was no longer quite so alone, and Hanbin had found a purpose. As if bound by rope tying them together, shoulder-to-shoulder, they were together.
Hanbin knew everything about Hao and Hao knew everything about Hanbin. They were each other's closest confidants and the only person the other could trust. In the midst of the rigid society, raised under their kind, yet stern parents, the only person who could bear the full weights of their hearts was the other. In a life that demanded composure, they gave each other honesty.
That is, until Hao found his own heart diverging. Late into his own adolescence, Hao found his affections for the boy being rewritten before his eyes. As much joy and comfort as his friendship brought him, Hao's heart began to race even simply from the sight of him. He had never been interested in the lovely young noblewomen Hanbin's brothers always discussed when their parents were away, and he could never envision the future that was laid out in pieces right in front of his eyes. Instead, all he saw was Hanbin.
Hanbin was changing before his eyes as well; he had grown tall, just as tall as Hao, though not quite, and his face was becoming more defined with age. His voice deepened, though it was still a lovely soft tenor, and his eyes sharpened with age. While still always playful, he finally grew into the endless energy that he carried with him. He was strong, his shoulders broadening into a straight line. And above all, Hao could not deny how handsome he had become.
While he himself had garnered more attention as he began to grow into his ears and his gangly limbs, it was nothing like the hushed whispers and sidelong glances he caught from girls as they passed them in the marketplace or through town. Hanbin's status was always above that of Hao's, but the constant eyes on Hanbin were no longer simply for his family’s wealth.
Undue jealousy stirred in Hao's heart inexplicably. He had never experienced such fiery emotions eating away at his every thought. When he closed his eyes, all he saw was Hanbin's smile and young girls giggling. He imagined Hanbin when he was older, with a wife and children at his side, all while Hao was still alone. It made him sick; it disrupted his studies. It was an awful feeling that he could not shake, and his heart continued to pound out of his chest each time he was next to Hanbin.
It was long before Hao could finally understand the twisting of his heart, the constant pain he felt at Hanbin's side when it was always the place he felt the most comfortable. It was not until Hanbin's oldest brother had married that he could make sense of his own heart.
'I dream of her even when she is not at my side. I long for her when she is next to me. I want to spend every waking moment with her and every moment I am asleep still at her side,' the romantic man waxed poetic to his brothers and Hao as their guest. He was always an emotional man, but the weight of his words rested heavily on each of them. Finding a spouse to love so fervently was all of their dreams, but with each description of desire for his wife, Hao fixed together the pieces of his own confusion. Mouth gaping at the delicacy of the man's words, Hao knew he was in love with Hanbin.
In the short time between their birthdays, the lunar cycle that held their ages apart when both Hao and Hanbin were sixteen years old at the same time, Hao discovered his own affections for Hanbin.
Everything made sense in the wake of his realization, though it simply became one more thing in a long list of dreams he could never have. He could never be anything but a scholar or an official, he could never disappoint his family, and he could never have Hanbin—not in the way that he wanted him.
It was a loss that Hao mourned; that he could never be fulfilled, that he could never love and be loved by Hanbin, but it was one that came simply. There was no expectation of an outcome, and Hao simply allowed himself to love Hanbin as much as he wanted as the friend who was already at his side. Falling in love was a childhood affair, one that shaped and formed itself over years and years at Hanbin's side, but he carried it into their adulthoods—the adoration he bore only growing in size until his entire being was full simply of love for Hanbin.
Their time together grew shorter, simply a precursor to their futures that would inevitably part, and Hao swore to never burden Hanbin—whether that be from his care or from his own shortcomings.
༄❀࿐
As the winter deepens, Hao's worry only grows worse. It becomes even more difficult for him to sleep, to eat, to do anything but allow his chest to plummet as he maniacally grasps at the remaining time he has left to study before the exam date. He only had one chance to save his family, but he was falling apart at the seams.
Unlike in the past when Hanbin had visited, the sound of his voice or the knowing tug at Hao's chest with his presence did not stir the man from his focus. He had free fallen so far into his anxiety that even the gust of wind billowing into the small study with his guest’s arrival did not disrupt his focus. Though, the cold, dry air did stir the rattling cough that had recently been disturbing him and keeping him awake even in the few hours he did attempt to sleep at night. With the brutal cough wracking his entire body, Hao finally caught sight of Hanbin where he stood, disrobing himself from the heavy winter attire insulating his body, the new coat that Hao had not seen in person yet.
Blinking up at him in surprise, Hao sits at his desk, covered in a towering stack of books and paper with his own scribbled writing. Hanbin's smile is small, but it is still there, unlike Hao's at the moment.
Furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, "I was not expecting a visit," he states, his words harsh, yet his tone hollow.
Hanbin lets out a soft chuckle without any humor behind it. "I have never come with a warning before," Hanbin jests, though there is an unreadable emotion behind his words that twists in Hao's racing chest. Rid of his outerwear, a package wrapped in a vibrant silk cloth remains in his hand. Watching his eyes closely, Hanbin tracks Hao's attention on the package. At this, he smiles more genuinely. "My eommeonie heard that you hadn't been eating well since you have been sick," he raises the bundle to show it off.
With this, Hao suddenly remembers the tray of cold food that had been placed in the corner of his room sometime since he had woken up. Guilt strikes in the center of Hao's chest having not even noticed that food was brought to him, but it is simply just another in a long list of disappointments that his mother must carry with him as her only son. His stomach flipflops, twisting and turning both with hunger and nausea at the thought of food, but he gapes at Hanbin where he stands, the man preoccupied with his own thoughts.
After a long moment of staring at each other in waiy, Hanbin suddenly takes long strides across the short room, his gait graceful as always as Hao peers up at him with wide, confused eyes from between the stacks of his work. Folding his legs, Hanbin takes a seat on the floor at his side in one swift motion. Their knees touch, but Hao has no time to react as Hanbin wordlessly begins to clear the table in front of him. His protests are promptly ignored as Hanbin removes the stack of books first and then the paper that Hao had been writing on, alongside the well of ink and the pen pulled right between his fingers.
"Everyone knows that your eommeonie does not cook well, and when mine heard that you were sick, she made this herself," Hanbin explains as he unties the bundle, exposing a metal bowl. Frustration and resistance wells up naturally in Hao's chest at Hanbin's intentional ignorance of his protests and he had slumped against the wall, displeased. However, as Hanbin lifts the lid of the bowl that releases a well of steam and a hardy, tantalizing fragrance, he adjusts his posture, sitting up straight. It is a simple bowl of rice porridge, but it is not often that Hao had white rice and it smelled rich with meaty stock that had his mouth watering.
At his side, Hanbin's smile reaches from ear to ear, clearly pleased with his reaction. He raises the spoon he had brought from home in his hand as an offering, which Hao takes without question. He hardly even blows away the steam before shoveling a spoonful of the porridge in his mouth, burning his tongue in the process.
"I would not forget my meals if I lived with you," Hao exclaims in between mouthfuls. Hanbin chuckles brightly, though Hao catches his hands twisting together in his lap—another one of his many nervous habits.
"No, I would feed you myself if I had to," Hanbin mumbles under his breath, causing Hao's spoon to pause. Though he was bent over the warm bowl, he twists his head to catch Hanbin's eye where his head had fallen. Raising an eyebrow at the comment, Hanbin flushes, or simply wears the beating he had taken from the harsh wind outside on his cheeks. The steam from the porridge swirls in front of their faces, warming Hao from the inside out, and he shakes his head at sight Hanbin’s guilty expression. The warmth now in his belly soothes some of the aches that had been living there amongst his worry.
Silence settles between them, though a soft rosy haze covers them in the quiet. Hanbin sits with his head in his hand, his elbow resting on the table as he watches Hao hunched over the savory porridge. Hao ignores his staring, forcing down the fluttery feeling in his chest from their close proximity to focus on filling his aching belly. Being next to Hanbin and satisfying his hunger with a hardy meal eases the tension that had been building over months, maybe years, under his skin as he had succumbed to the pressure. Hanbin always makes the weight easier to bear, and being at his side, with their knees brushing and under his careful watch, Hao hardly remembers his concerns outside of the dull thrum of anxiety that now seems to permanently course through his veins.
"What brings you here? You just wanted to brag that you eat better than I do?" Hao questions, raising an eyebrow in Hanbin's direction once his belly is full and he has scraped the bowl clean. If Hanbin wasn't always so smug, Hao might need to slouch back against the wall to allow himself to digest the tasty food after not eating well, or at all, for weeks. Instead, he sits with his head held high and his shoulder brushing Hanbin's teasingly.
"Am I not granted permission to seek the company of my oldest friend when I wish?" Hanbin bats his eyes at Hao as he holds a hand to his chest, receiving an exaggerated eyeroll in return at the faux hurt he pretends to feel.
"You do not need permission to visit," he laughs, the sound coming easily despite his horribly sour mood of the past several weeks and his biting greeting from earlier. "But you also have a duty to your family to study for the civil servant exam, Hanbin-ah. You shouldn't waste the little time we have left to coddle me."
An emotion flashes across Hanbin's face, one that immediately forces Hao to wish that he had never said anything, that he could take back the words, though he does not know why.
"I am aware of my own duties, Hyung-nim," Hanbin states plainly, devoid of all affection in his tone. His eyes are blank as he stares back at Hao, no longer full of the hurt that had crossed them moments prior. Just as Hao begins to apologize, Hanbin startles him by covering his hand where it rests palm-down on the table. Eyes blown wide, Hao sits up taller in surprise as Hanbin's thumb brushes over the winter-dry skin of Hao's hand. "I never coddle you," Hanbin lowers his voice and his eyes, watching where they are connected by their hands instead. "I can only be as well as you are, Hyung-ah," Hanbin squeezes his hand as he makes a soft declaration in the quiet of the study, and Hao's heart restricts with his words and his touch.
Out of the corner of his eye, Hanbin peers up at him where his head had fallen, and Hao is struck with the raw honesty in his gaze. Hao prided himself on being the only person who knew who the real Sung Hanbin was, but in the moment, Hao swears he might not understand him as well as he had thought.
"How long will you stay?" Hao whispers, his heart pleading for even a moment longer with Hanbin at his side. He should study, and he can already feel the anxiety in his chest rise at the thought of all the time he has already lost, but he wants to hold onto Hanbin as long as he can. While the exam could bring great things for both of their families, it also is the ending of their youth at each other's sides. This could be one of the last moments they spend so easily together.
At this, Hanbin breaks out into a smile, squeezing Hao's hand again. "Your eommeonie was so worried about you that she asked if I would spend the night at your side. You get to have me for an entire day, my lord."
Hao laughs again, an easy thing at Hanbin's side. "Ah, so your family must truly be sick of you to allow you to stay in another man's home for the night," he jests.
"Actually, they begged that I stay home. I think they worry that I might fail the exam and be forced to live with them forever," Hanbin relents, and this seems more accurate to what Hao knows of Hanbin's family. "I swore that we would spend the afternoon together. They didn't trust me, but they know how serious young master Zhang is about his studies," Hanbin finishes with a wink in Hao's direction, moving his hand as he himself leans against the wall in a lounging fashion, effectively slipping back into the ease of friendly banter and stepping away from the weighted conversation they began with.
"If you stay, you must study, Hanbin-ah. The exam is too close to lose so much time," Hao furrows his eyebrows, though his heart has already picked up speed in his chest at the thought of spending the entire day alongside Hanbin and sleeping next to him at night, just like when they were children.
"I value my studies just as much as you, Hyung-ah. If I want to stay at your side and stand in front of the king, I must be serious," he declares, and Hao blinks at him, surprised. Hanbin had never before stated that he had ambitions the same as Hao, that he desired to find a place that was next to him in their futures. The news shocks him completely, rounding his mouth in a wide 'O.' Hanbin smiles at his side knowingly, pleased with Hao's surprise.
Shaking out of his stunned silence, the corner of Hao's mouth twitches at the suggestion of competition. He had lived his life racing side-by-side with Hanbin, and the thought of more competition lights fires under his skin in anticipation. "You have a long way to catch up to me, Sung Hanbin," he smiles.
"Actually, I think you are right at my side, Hyung-ah," Hanbin retorts, his own mischievous smile finding his lips as he leans in close. Hao can't help the way his eyes automatically find Hanbin's lips, his breath fanning over his face from their proximity. Cold shivers run down his back, goosebumps raising over his skin. Panic rises in Hao's chest, his own willpower decreasing in the face of the man he loves so dearly. There is nothing he can do, and so he retreats with a stony expression on his face.
"We should study," he declares with finality, pulling away from Hanbin so that their knees no longer touch and so the man cannot hear the thumping of his heart in his chest.
❀
Though Hanbin had promised his family that he would spend his day studying, his focus was far from the books laid out in front of him. Hao's ironclad concentration was broken in the wake of his visitor, and in the middle of his own studying, all he noted was Hanbin's pure distraction.
Hardly any pages turned, his penmanship was irregular and sloppy, and ink bled through page after page. Hao snickered behind his sleeve at each of Hanbin's vulgar curses at his misfortunes, only pulling them both away from their work even further. Hao's own studies progressed much slower than usual as he spent his day laughing to himself at Hanbin's distress, as well as batting the man's hands away from his books. Once, he looked away for even just a moment, and Hanbin had drawn a small lotus flower at the bottom of his page, though it was sloppily done in his haste.
An evening meal is spent at a table with Hao's father and mother, hosting with the tasteless food that his mother had prepared for them all. Seeing her son in front of her eyes, and not behind towers of books in his study, his mother was happy. His father was pleased to see him in better spirits, and Hanbin's presence was always a welcome one as he was always pleasant in the face of elders. It was a lively event, though Hao sat quietly as he penned it to memory. There was no certainty that he would ever have a night like this again, and he wanted to remember it forever.
The night passes simply, Hao and Hanbin sat side-by-side as they study until their eyes grow too tired to continue. They both had similar routines for the past few years, dedicating themself to a future date where they would test their knowledge and capability within their society with one singular exam. There was nothing else for them but to study, and their nights always looked similar, even despite Hanbin's lack of motivation at times.
Exhaustion hits Hanbin first, his chin rising and falling again and again as he attempts to continue reading and annotating at Hao's side, but eventually he gives up and folds his arms over the table, slumping forward over it to rest.
Lost in his own studies, Hanbin's silence allowing him to finally focus on the task at hand, Hao had not noticed that Hanbin had fallen asleep next to him until soft sounds began to fall from his mouth. Gentle humming as Hanbin dreamed at Hao’s side finally broke Hao's concentration. Forced to blink away the black brush strokes from his vision as his eyes began to cross from his hours of study, he is finally met with the image of Hanbin asleep next to him.
Long eyelashes fan out over his cheeks and a soft blush of warmth brushes delicately over his nose. His lips are slightly parted as small sounds tumble out from his mouth. His pointed eyebrows had drawn together with a deep crease between them, Hanbin’s nonchalance finally breaking while he is deep in sleep. Gently, so as to not disturb his sleeping friend at his side, Hao closed his books and placed them softly on the ground next to his thigh. With the table cleared, he folded his own arms to rest his head against the solid wood in front of him, mimicking Hanbin's exact position.
Like this, deep in sleep, Hanbin looked so much younger. He was no longer the confident and arrogant young master, or even the brilliant and polite young man that Hao's parents knew him as. He was simply Hanbin, the man Hao loved. He was wracked with the same worry, which seemed to only manifest itself in his dreams or when he was not hiding his feelings from Hao so as to not trigger his anxiety in turn. He was simply a boy frightened by his own future as well. He was his friend, with a heart too big for his chest that others could not bear the weight of and often took advantage of. He was the boy too careful with his words because he was scared of hurting others. He was Hanbin, who cared too much, yet hardly let anyone care for him instead.
Subconsciously, Hao's fingers reach out to smooth the crease between Hanbin's eyebrows. He hadn't meant to touch him, but there was so little else that Hao could do for him but smoothed the worried wrinkle. They were simply two individuals in the grand scheme of the universe, two men bound by fate and consequences without their own true identity in the world. There was little autonomy within their lives, but Hao could smoothe the wrinkle between Hanbin's eyes; he could ease some of the worry, even in just the slightest, so that is what he does.
Hanbin's skin is soft under his thumb, and his eyelashes flutter from Hao's light touch. The crease eases from the gesture, but Hanbin stirs underneath him, awakening from his cat nap. Hanbin had always been a light sleeper, and Hao is unable to pull back his hand before Hanbin blinks open his eyes in surprise. Guilty, Hao pulls his hand to his chest, as if he had been caught in a scandalous act, but Hanbin says nothing. Blinking the sleep away from his eyes, he simply watches Hao through his heavy eyelashes. The tension in the air is heavy, and Hao feels the weight of Hanbin's stare as it cuts right through him. He feels seen, uncomfortably so.
Silence stills between them, the only sound their own breathing in Hao's heartbeat in his ears. Two boys, two men, stare back at each other, exactly the same where they both lie. A lifetime of memories that they shared: adolescence spent by each other's sides, and now an adulthood where they reach for the same goal, though it is not what their hearts desire. There is quiet knowledge between them, that they bear the same heart, possibly even the same soul, but Hao is well aware that there is at least one thing that they do not share. Hanbin's love for him is not the same, nor will it ever be. They have finally diverged on their paths, and they now walk in opposite directions, where they will continue to traverse down the rest of their lives.
"We should retire for the night," Hao decides for them both, breaking the silent tension that had been rising in the air between them as their stares stretched out between them. Hanbin does not respond, his eyes simply watching Hao, reading him like the books that surround them in stacks. Hao shakes off the unknowable feeling that settles in his chest at being seen by Hanbin, and he prays that Hanbin cannot actually see straight through his chest into the deepest caverns where only Hanbin himself lives.
Wrought with exhaustion, they both savor the quiet of the night as they ready themselves for sleeping. Unlike Hanbin's home, there is no extra wing of their hanok for guests, and Hao's mother has already laid out two silk mats for them both, side-by-side, as they always are. Dressed down to their simplest garments, Hao takes the mat to the left and Hanbin to his right. Slipping under the thick silk comforters, they lie at each other's sides, warmth radiating from underneath them.
"Goodnight, Hanbin-ah," Hao wishes earnestly, hoping Hanbin isn't plagued with the same sleepless nights and anxious terrors that he himself suffers from. The atmosphere between them has also shifted into unusual territory that Hao is uncertain of, and for his own peace of mind, Hanbin sleeping well and falling asleep quickly is for the best.
"Goodnight, Hyung-ah," Hanbin whispers, his words carried by a heavy tone, personal and wrought with emotion that twists in Hao's chest—Hanbin always the pair of hands that tug at his heart.
The wind outside picks up, rattling against the aging wooden structure of Hao's room, and it licks against the paper holding back the cool winter chill at the windows and sliding doors. However, inside, it is warm underneath the covers, and Hao feels at ease with Hanbin at his side. Despite his racing heart from Hanbin's presence, he could sleep more easily than usual.
However, just as he starts to feel himself slipping, he is startled back away by Hanbin's voice calling his name.
"Hao-yah," he whispers, his voice layered with something unknowable.
"What is it, Hanbin," Hao asks, surprised that Hanbin hadn't fallen asleep yet. He was a light sleeper, easily awoken by any noise, but he also could sleep anywhere and fell asleep in a moment if he was comfortable.
The sound of silk ruffling next to him sounds, and Hao opens his eyes to the pitch black of the night. Turning his head, he can barely make out the shape of Hanbin's face staring back at him where he had turned on his side directly to face him. His heart stutters in his chest at the sight, though it is obscured in the darkness. Shuffling inside his own covers, he turns in his bedding to face Hanbin just the same, staring back at him within the darkness, face to face.
A soft sigh falls from Hanbin lips, traveling over the short expanse between their silk covers. Shivers course throughout Hao's body as his breath lightly brushes against the bare skin of his hand where he holds his comforter underneath his chin. He can sense Hanbin has something to say, that he wasn't simply asking if he was awake because he was having difficulties sleeping, and he waits for him—as he always does.
The question comes after quiet deliberation, and it is one that Hao should have expected, at least from Hanbin. He always saw right through him past the facade or the wall he painstakingly built up even in front of the people nearest to his heart. The sound of silk shuffling pierces his ears, though this time, he is startled by the warmth of Hanbin's palm wrapping around his hand where it is clenched nervously around the covers pulled under his chin. He gasps with the warm touch, but Hanbin is gentle, releasing his anxious grip to worm his fingers into his loosening fist.
They breathe in sync, one beat, two beat, three, before Hanbin finally speaks, his hand steady within Hao's. "Will you tell me what is actually bothering you?"
The question hangs in the silence, stretching out between them and swirling over both of their heads where they lay. It had always been the question, what truly was the matter with Hao—what was causing him such distress and was it truly just the exam that was affecting his behavior. Everyone else, even his parents, might have a clue into the importance of the exam to him, but they wouldn't ever be able to guess what was weighing on him. No, only Hanbin would be able to recognize there was more to his suffering.
Hao sighs, mentally tearing down the wall that had been built around his heart to protect himself in such an exhausting time. He didn't need it when Hanbin was the one next to him. However, even in the dark, he cannot bear to share the full extent of his intimate secrets he has held in his heart ever since he can remember while looking into Hanbin's eyes, and he lowers his head, curling his chin into his chest so that it rests on top of both of their hands where Hanbin holds him.
"I never asked for this," he whispers, telling the truth for the first time, though it is not the only worry that is concerning him. They had both wished upon stars and created fantasies of lives they would never have, but he had never expressed the deepest desires of his own heart this way. There was no reason to disclose his feelings when there was nothing to be done. There was one direction he must head, and it was not what was held in his heart. "I spend each day enslaved to a life I never wanted, but I have no other choice," he shared, sadly.
At his words, Hanbin gently squeezes his hand and the pressure is reassuring, yet it does not distract Hao from the heavy weight that he has allowed to fully press down on his chest in this moment. He cannot stop the sob as it rises in his chest, just one pitiful, heartbreaking sound that expresses his distress. He hadn't cried in the presence of another man, even Hanbin, in years, and the shame of showing such emotion shrouds him. He forces his eyes closed to withhold his tears.
"I never asked for this either, Hao," Hanbin whispers, an even greater secret than Hao had been holding. In surprise, Hao blinks open his eyes, tears slipping down his cheek and across his face from where he lays. Hanbin had inched closer, their faces so close he could lean forward and bump their noses together. Hanbin had always been confident, a natural-born leader, and he was intelligent in a way that even Hao himself was not. He could always picture Hanbin in a position just like his father's, leading a large village all on his own, and he always assumed that is what Hanbin wanted.
In the dark, under the soft haze of moonlight, Hanbin's eyes are wide with expectation, full of anticipation that Hao would share more, despite Hao's wish to unravel the new information that Hanbin had shared with him. A lump forms in his throat, but he nods to himself before speaking.
"I am so filled with sorrow over the position I must fulfill. Either I bring my family shame and abandon them, ruining my ancestors' and future children's social standing, or I live a miserable life into eternity. There is nothing else." Tears well in his eyes, falling quietly. However, Hanbin notices, as he always notices, and without shuffling in the silk much, he raises the hand that had been tucked under his chest to brush away the tracks of tears on Hao's cheeks with his thumb before gravity pulled them downwards to stain his silk bedding.
"What would life be like if you never had to worry? What do you see?" Hanbin's voice is so soft that Hao almost does not hear it over the pounding of his chest and through his tears. He sniffs back his tears, easing into Hanbin's touch. He leans into both where their fingers are joined, and the hand cupping his cheek where Hanbin's thumb brushes small circles into his skin.
He considers it, a life without obligations and worry. Who would he be? What would he do? "A brush in my hand," he smiles, imaging paintings and poems he could create out of the abundance of emotion in his heart. "Foreign lands and languages I am yet to master. A life. An exciting life," Hao smiles to himself. You—I always envision you, he thinks to himself, yet holds the words close to his chest.
Only from their close proximity and the soft haze of the moonlight can Hao see Hanbin's mouth gape open and his chest rise and fall deeply. His eyes widen with his words, and his hands still against the older man's. Hao's heart hammers in his chest and against his ribs, suddenly aware just how close Hanbin is to him in the dark. He should back away, especially as he is feeling so vulnerable in the moment, but he cannot convince himself to—not as Hanbin stares at him with a gaze so wrought with emotion that it holds Hao still in place.
"What else," Hanbin gasps, demands, "what else do you see," he whispers breathlessly, his tone pleading and airy, lighting fires underneath Hao's skin.
It is wrong, he knows it, but he shares his deepest thoughts, the ones he had sworn he would never divulge to anyone, even Hanbin, as somehow the moment feels like the only one he might be able to say such words. "What would you say if I said I can see a man at my side," he whispers, his hands trembling as he says the words. "What would you say if I felt deep in my heart that I loved another man?" He finally declares, his chest split open to reveal the deepest cavern of his heart that no other was meant to see. However, in the safety of Hanbin’s gentle grasp, he shows it so willingly to the man he swore he would never reveal his affections for.
In the dark, Hao watches a myriad of emotions cross Hanbin's face, yet the most distinctive of those are hurt, like the expression he had seen so clearly before, and what Hao can only define as hope. His own anticipation flutters in his chest, spread open now for Hanbin to see, and Hanbin's fingers finally move, adjusting his grip on Hao's face to hold him more firmly. Using his more firm grip, Hanbin gently pulls their bodies closer together, bringing them into the shared warmth of each other like this and holding Hao even closer.
The corners of Hanbin's lips turn upwards slightly, his usual confidence covered in what Hao can only guess is uncertainty, which stirs even more excitement in Hao's belly. He had dreamed of this moment in the past, or, rather, had nightmares about exposing his darkest secret to Hanbin where he had awoken in a sweat or with a scream just on the tip of his tongue at the image of Hanbin's digust, his rage, or losing his loyalty as he shared the secret with the world. He had dreamed of endless scenarios to this exact moment, but Hanbin pulling him close with a timid smile was never an ending he envisioned.
"Well," Hanbin begins, his voice scratchy before coughing awkwardly to clear his throat. His hand in Hao's palm sweats, a sign of his nerves, as well as Hanbin pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. All the signs of his nervousness that only lights excitement in the cavern of Hao's chest. "I would say I hope that man is worthy of your heart," he declares magnanimously. It is not quite the answer that Hao was hoping for, but he has always been able to easily read between the lines of Hanbin's words and his generous demeanor. He knows the extent of his graciousness, and he knows the dishonesty that lies within in his words.
Sucking in a deep breath, Hao steadies himself before he speaks. His heart thuds against his breastbone, the sound roaring in his own ears. However, all he can feel is Hanbin's pulse through the grip on his hand and it beats in sync with his own. His eyes linger on Hanbin's lips, worn between his teeth with nerves, and somehow the sight gives him the courage to finally speak.
"What if I said he is the only man worthy of my affections?"
Like a glass shattering in the midst of a crowded room, the rushing noise all around them pauses completely, Hao's declaration causing even the wind in the night to hold its breath.
Hanbin's eyes widen in shock, his fingers naturally losing their grip on Hao's hand. He senses Hanbin retreating, and a cold wave of panic washes over him like a bucket of cold water poured over his head. His thoughts spiral in an instant, his worries crashing over him like they had in all of his nightmares. Hanbin was simply humoring him, he had no feelings for him, but now all he feels in disgust. He pulled away because he plans to share his secret with his parents, with the entire town. Hao, son of the disgraced nobleman, is a sodomite.
Tears slip from Hao's eyes unwittingly, and despite Hanbin's thumb still pressed into the soft skin of his cheek catching the tears as they fall, Hao brushes him away and uses his sleeve to wipe the embarrassing evidence of his shame off his face. Just as Hanbin pulled away, Hao does the same, retreating to save himself from the embarrassment of being known so intimately.
"Just forget it," he forces himself to speak, his voice thick and hoarse as he withholds his tears. As he tries to roll over, to somehow attempt to avoid Hanbin and the shame that has melded itself against his body that he will bear forever as a heavy shroud on his shoulders. Hanbin's rejection, haunting him like his own shadow, though he will be unable to escape it even in the dark at night as it grows in size when Hao is left to his own thoughts.
"Wait—," Hanbin starts, but Hao does not hear him, too lost in his thoughts and the shame of embarrassment. He knows Hanbin is kind, but does his kindness extend even this far? Even for his friend? He turns on his back, away from Hanbin, and tears slip down his cheeks subconsciously. He wipes them away again with the coarse white fabric of his sleeve miserably and prays that Hanbin does not notice, though he twists his eyes completely shut to avoid finding out.
A soft yet firm hand embraces his shoulder, shocking Hao's eyes open. Gently, Hanbin uses his strength to pull Hao onto his side again, forcing them to face each other eye-to-eye. This time, their chestscrash together, their entire bodies falling into one another from the force of Hanbin's grasp underneath their silk covers. Hao's hands raise defensively, ready to push Hanbin away from himself, but Hanbin is stronger in this moment and Hao has grown weak from his chest being cracked open and inspected thoroughly by the man in front of him.
Hanbin holds him close, way too close now for comfort as rejection seeps from his skin, hurt and fear swirling together to overtake Hao completely. Their noses brush together, what seemed intimate earlier now feeling like a mockery of his own heart, and Hao tips his head backwards to free space between them, forcing a barrier physically. The walls of Hanyang built right between them in a short distance of a few chi in between their faces.
Hanbin's breath still fans over his face, warming Hao involuntarily from the proximity, and another wave of shame washes over him because even now, he still wants Hanbin more than anything. He would take the civil servant exam tenfold, he would fail it over and over again, he would shame his family and abandon them each—as long as it meant that he could have Hanbin.
Tender fingertips find Hao's face, brushing against his cheeks, grasping at his jaw, wrapping around his nape where it is extended. Gently, so gentle, Hanbin uses his strength to push Hao's head forward, bringing him back into his own space with tender force, crossing the wall that Hao had created.
Hao's eyes cross as Hanbin pulls him closer, his hand trailing a slow path from his nape to his shoulder to the small of his waist, holding their bodies close and forcing Hao into his space. Hanbin's touch is heavy, weighing down on Hao and holding him in place. Their hearts thud in their chests where they directly align, perfectly in sync. Hao's eyes cross in the darkness trying to search Hanbin's eyes for any malice or disgust, or even anything as simple as an answer for why he is bringing Hao so close now, but even the soft moonlight in the dark winter night does not given him the insight that he seeks.
Instead, Hanbin shuffles impossibly closer, his hand finding Hao's cheek once again. Instead of brushing tears away, though, he holds Hao softly within his tender grasp. The wind and the creaking of the aging hanok has stilled, just for them, just for this night, and the only sound is their pounding hearts and their shared ragged breathing.
Hanbin's thumb brushes gently over Hao's cheeks where warmth has inevitably pooled there, but gingerly, he trails his digit over the sharp edge of his cheekbone, the most clear evidence of his stress recently. He does not pause there, continuing over the bridge of his nose, his fingertip outline the straight line of it. He does pause, over Hao's philtrum, but with a shaky breath, his thumb follows the outline of his upper lip. The action is so intimate that Hao had been holding his breath, but now he gasps, startled by Hanbin's actions and uncertain of their meaning.
Hanbin's hands are soft, unmarred from labor and uncalloused from his lifetime of studying, but Hao can feel each groove in his thumbprint as it follows the delicate lines of his face. Hanbin pauses again, his thumb stilling at Hao's plush bottom lip. With his touch, Hao’s entire body is still and jis breath catches in his lungs, waiting. Their faces are so close that Hao could simply lean forward, he could connect their lips just like this, and his eyes cross as they look back into Hanbin's.
Uncertainty strikes Hao, and he can no longer bear the look in Hanbin's eyes. He breaks their eye contact, ducking his head in shame, but he is again once caught by Hanbin. The crook of his finger catches Hao's chin, craning it upwards to bring their faces a hair's breadth away. His nose brushes against Hanbin's, the warmth of his lips radiating against Hao's.
"Can I—," Hanbin whispers the unfinished question, his lips brushing against Hao's with his words. Hao would be foolish to be unaware of what he is being asked, and he nods, agreeing to anything Hanbin would ask of him. With a shaky breath, Hanbin leans forward and presses their lips together.
Many rotations around the sun past, Hao remembers a night just like this. Two young boys, shoulders pressed together in the deep of the night.
'What kind of person do you think you will marry,' Hanbin had asked, pulling Hao away from a dream just as he had earlier.
'Someone kind. Someone I can smile with,' Hao answered, long before he had unravled the inexplicable feelings he had for the boy lying next to him. Even before he understood his love, he still envisioned a lifetime with someone just like Hanbin.
'I want to marry someone just like you,' Hanbin swore, even then, as boys too young to know of their affections for each other.
Hanbin's lips feel like eternity pressed to Hao's. It feels like the culmination of a lifetime of adoration, but also the start of forever. The kiss is nothing more than a simple press of their lips together, but it is the stamp that seals their union, the secret they share only between each other.
The kiss is a timid thing, but Hao's heart swells in his chest. Tears well in his eyes again, and a lump forms in his throat simply from connecting with Hanbin. Just as Hanbin had connected their lips together first, he pulls away first instead.
Under the soft moonlight, illuminated in the pitch darkness only by the softest of hazes from the moon, Hanbin's eyes blink open slowly, as if from a dream. His lips part naturally as his breathing becomes labored. The hand propping Hao's chin upwards slowly unfurls, wrapping instead behind Hao's nape where the softest whisps of hair escape his manggeon, the coarse black headband around his head, right at his neck.
Hanbin is warm against him, Hao thinks to himself as Hanbin pulls him in for another kiss. Their lips meet again just the same, pressing the soft lines of them together gently. Their inexperience is evident in their hesitance, in the uncertainty as their lips find each other—their very first kiss. Without direction, they are both lost, but Hao simply knows that he wants to be even closer to Hanbin, to meld himself to Hanbin's body, and he does the best he can. A clumsy hand at his hip, Hao pulls their chests and their middles together, Hanbin's covers slipping from around his waist as they join together as one being.
Hanbin's lips part, and Hao follows him, alinging themselves in every way possible. Hanbin is soft and warm, his lips nothing like Hao had ever dreamed of; he never could have imagined the sharp points of his cupid's bow and the roughness of his chapped lips against his own, nor could he have dreamed of affection overflowing from his chest in such excess amounts that he is unable to withhold his tears, tasting them on his own tongue, or hold his hands still, roaming from Hanbin's waist to his shoulder to his bicep, finally finding the softness of his cheeks where tracks of tears wetting his face match Hao's own.
They part with a pair of gasping breaths against each other's lips, their chests heaving in sync. In the darkness, all that exists is their hearts beating together in rhythm, only the air between their mouths, the warmth of the floor between them. Just two men, bound together.
"Hyung-ah," Hanbin finally speaks, his voice hoarse, thick with what Hao could only describe as want. "I love you," he whispers against his lips, a secret confession, though held close in both of their palms.
Hao leans close again, his eyes fluttering closed as he presses a soft kiss to Hanbin's lips once more before leaning his forehead to Hanbin's. He breathes in the same air as Hanbin, savoring the warmth of his skin, the breath that fans over his face, a heart that is not his own thrumming like a bird against his chest. After a long moment, as he pulls himself back into reality, recognizing that he isn't simply dreaming with Hanbin at his side. Hao separates from Hanbin's warmth, reclining his head far enough to look into Hanbin's eyes.
Wide in anticipation and fear and love, Hao can finally discern the secret expressions and thoughts he had never been able to understand from Hanbin. The uncertainty, the intensity that he could never shake in even their lightest interactions, finally making sense of themselves before his eyes. Just as Hao has loved Hanbin as long as he can remember, Hanbin has loved him just the same.
"I love you, Hanbin-ah," he speaks, finally, allowing Hanbin to break open the cavern of his chest in its entirety. There are endless obstacles in front of them now, but he has Hanbin's heart, and that is enough. "We will be together throughout this lifetime, until our hair turns grey and we pass to the next life," he declares with unfounded certainty, but with the surety of Hanbin's love, he is willing to defy fate to hold onto him.
"My heart is yours forver." Hanbin presses his lips to Hao's cheek, a seal of his determination to remain steadfast in that truth.
༄❀࿐
Winter finally breaks way for the gentleness of spring. Though the air is still frigid, the sky boasts brilliant blue skies. The sun rises slowly in the morning and Hao wakes in an unfamiliar room. He had fallen asleep on the soft of Hanbin's arm the night before, lulled to sleep by his warm scent and lips pressed to his forehead. Now, he gradually comes to, his head resting on Hanbin's chest where it rises and falls steadily in his sleep.
Careful not to wake him, Hao raises his head carefully, leaning his chin onto Hanbin's chest to gaze upon his face as he sleeps. It is still quite early, and the stirrings of anxiety in his chest has woken Hao from his sleep. Even so, the change of seasons has raised the sun high in the early morning, lighting the room in pale light through the windows. The civil service exam is only days away now, a landmark of their futures, but Hao says silent prayers of appreciation to be allowed the privilege of this tender moment before everything crashes around him.
In the quiet of the morning, as the sun rises overhead, Hao counts each individual eyelash as they flutter against Hanbin's cheeks. He maps out the moles on his cheek and above his lip. He makes constellations in the fading freckles on his cheekbones from his active childhood. A ruddy blush hollows the circles under his eyes, and Hao imagines brushstrokes in his head that match the same sweet crimson. The morning creeps forward along with the sun, and Hao spends the time alone simply mapping out the delicacies of his lover's face.
Hanbin is too lovely to simply gaze upon, and the space between them becomes unbearable. Hao finds himself brushing his knuckles gently across Hanbin's cheek, underneath the feathery eyelashes that fan out under his eyes. The same eyelashes flutter with the gentle touch, Hanbin stirring underneath Hao where he lies on top of him. He wakes slowly under the careful touch of his lover, gentle carried back into consciousness. A light, dopey smile lines his cheeks before his eyes open, obviously pleased with Hao's attention before even fully awake.
With his eyes closed, Hanbin grasps at Hao's wrist where he has paused his gentle touch against Hanbin's face. The strength of his grip is weak with sleep, but Hao does not resist. Hanbin brings his hand to his mouth, pressing his lips to his knuckles. He takes a deep breath in through his nose, his lips pressing a tender kiss to the center of Hao's palm before bringing it down to chest, placing his hand right over his heart.
A smile tugs at the corners of Hanbin’s lips, the faintest shadow of dimples appearing on his cheeks, round with sleep. As he flutters open his eyes, light bursts forward as Hanbin wakes, Hao's morning illuminated not with just the rising sun, but from Hanbin's loving gaze from the moment he wakes.
"What wakes you so early, my love," Hanbin rasps, his voice deep with sleep, stirring deep in Hao's belly as he stares down at him from above.
"The exam is soon," he answers simply, and it is all the explanation Hanbin needs. Hao's future has not changed, even if Hanbin is at his side. It is a mutual responsibility that they must bear, the same feelings shared between them. Hao had been able to feel Hanbin's anxiety in his pulse as well, the thudding of his worry picking up as soon as he had woken from his deep sleep.
Hanbin sighs heavily, closing his eyes again and taking in a deep breath. He releases his grip on Hao's wrist to thread his fingers through his strained fingers, easing even the tiniest bit of tension that the man holds. Like this, Hanbin brings their conjoined hands to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to them yet again.
"Hao-yah," he calls as his eyes meet Hao's again, Hanbin's voice gentle, like he is speaking to a frightened child. "Let's not worry," he smiles against Hao's palm, his tone reassuring. "Spend the day with me," he suggests, though there is nothing else Hao would have dreamed of doing.
A warm flush coating his cheeks, Hao nods against Hanbin's chest, his chin digging into the soft muscle there. Hanbin's own ruddy blush deepens, turning his ears a brilliant crimson alongside his cheeks, though he hides it behind Hao's palm.
Traveling to Hanyang was wholly unfamiliar to Hao, but Hanbin had visited often in the past. Kindly, Hanbin's uncle who lived within the city offered to host the men during their visit and throughout the end of the exam. Miraculously, unthinkably, they were even more wealthy than Hanbin's family, and they had been given an entire wing of the hanok complex for their stay. Left entirely on their own, possibly for the first and last time ever, it felt like a dream waking like this next to Hanbin, and it was the first morning they had been able to fully enjoy the space.
Using Hanbin's chest as leverage, Hao rises on his elbow to hover over Hanbin's face, pulling his hand from Hanbin's soft grip. In the soft light of the morning, Hanbin stares up at him with wide, dark eyes, his tongue darting betwen his lips in anticipation. With a smile, Hao descends down from on high to crash their lips together.
Unlike their first kisses, this one is now wrought with well-practiced ease. Hao is hasty, desire already pooling in his stomach from the moment he heard the deep rasp of Hanbin's tenor voice this mornign, and he had been awake long enough to note Hanbin's hardening erection that had risen involuntarily as Hao slept against his body, matching the tenting fabric of Hao's own undergarments.
They share lazy kisses in the early morning, which they carry alongside months of growing desire and frustration from the hidden intimacies of the little time they could share alone. Tender kisses turn heated quickly, their lips and tongues meet in messy fervor. Saliva covers their chins and pools in the corners of their lips as they kiss over and over again. Hanbin's hand reaches to hold Hao by his nape, pulling him closer, forcing his mouth open even further.
Held flush against the length of Hanbin's body, his thigh falls between Hao's legs. A gasp falls from Hao's lips as Hanbin shifts, his leg pressing into Hao’s growing erection. Hanbin pulls away, his hand falling to Hao's slender shoulders and disconnecting their mouths with a lewd string of saliva.
Embarrassment courses through Hao's being at his own eagerness, his wanton desire being the reason that Hanbin stopped, and he tucks his head into the warm skin of Hanbin's neck where his scent is strongest. Even in his shame, Hao's desire for Hanbin is undeniable and overwhelming. His lips seek out Hanbin’s bare skin, finding his pulse thrumming in Hanbin's neck. Always so intuitive, sensing his discomfort, Hanbin ducks his head and presses an encouraging kiss to his bare collarbone where Hao's robes had untied in the night. A palm spread flat against Hao's back pulls him completely over Hanbin's body, the pair groaning softly as their bodies merge together, aligning perfectly.
Feebly, Hao raises his head again, dragging his lips against the soft stubble at Hanbin's jawline. Hanbin's hand closes into a fist, twisting into the coarse fabric of Hao’s nightwear and pulling it away from Hao's chest to expose more of the pale skin of his chest. Hao gasps against Hanbin's chin where his lips had traveled to, his own fist clenching at the fabric covering Hanbin's chest.
A clumsy hand cups the side of Hao's face and pulls him in closer, Hanbin bringing their lips together once again. He licks into Hao's mouth with lively fervor, full of desire and need, as he awakens fully with his lover everywhere all over him. Hanbin holds him close, his hands roaming Hao's narrow frame as he gasps into Hanbin's mouth and rocks his hips downwards subconsciously seeking out pleasure from his lover. Hanbin's hips rut against him in a stuttering motion, back and forth as they gasp and whimper into each other's mouths unabashedly.
It is with a soft groan that Hao's arousal builds and spills over between them, Hanbin following with his own loud groan that is covered by Hao's lips. Each of their firsts have been spent together, and acting as a husband and wife chasing their pleasure as if newly betrothed, the first moments they have spent between just the two of them for the very first time, is yet another new experience for them both. However, it one that has their entire beings colliding together as the date that inevitably will pull them apart draws closer. Warm flushes coat their cheeks, and strands of loose hair fall from their tight topknots. Disheveled, they wake slowly, the start of their day.
❀
"Let's pretend to be someone else for the day," Hanbin says into the shell of Hao's ear, raising the hairs on the back of his neck and sending shivers running down his spine. He was still sensitive from the morning, and every touch and graze of Hanbin’s fingers was stirring insatiable desire under his skin.
The marketplace in Hanyang was buzzing with people and filled with stalls as far as Hao could see. He had never experienced anything quite as lively, and his eyes were two large coins, wide in awe at all the new sights. "What do you mean," he turns, catching Hanbin's gaze from the corner of his eye. They had been walking lazily, side by side, step by step, taking in the sights of the big city and brushing shoulders as they wound their way through the narrow streets and alleyways of the lively market.
"Just for today, let's pretend like we aren't taking the civil servant exam and that we don't have families at home relying on us," Hanbin smiles, leaning to bump shoulders with Hao as both their hands are held behind their backs in polite composure. The day is brilliant blue and the sun is high overhead in the sky, a break in the long grey winter. A light shadow is cast over the top half of Hanbin's face from his gat, but he catches Hao's eye with a mischievous glint in his gaze through the dark mesh of the fabric and the corner of his lips raise. "What would you do?"
The question itself takes Hao aback, surprised that the decision has been placed solely onto him, though Hanbin always allows him to take the lead, following at Hao's heels. What would he do, with a day where he was not the only son of the Zhang family—if he didn't have any responsibilities? The answer formulates without even a second thought. "Spend it with you."
Hanbin's crooked grin beneath his gat spreads over his entire face, his dimples even making a grand appearance, drawing whiskers over his cheeks. "I would do the same," he responds, the warmth of his smile coursing through Hao's body like a burning fire on the cool spring day.
Their matching gaits lead them thoughout the market, simply enjoying the lively atmosphere that was quite different from the market in their own city. There are similar stalls, vendors selling the same grains and treats that Hao was familiar with, but even the fabric and book shops that resemble the ones he had spent much of his time in appear different and hold an entire worlds inside each of them.
A life without responsibilities. Hao had dreamed of traveling the world, his days filled with artwork and literature, and he finds this within the crowded shops in Hanyang, miraculously. A small storefront displays delicate paintings that he gasps at the sight of, bolting past Hanbin and throwing his usual calm demeanor and modest composure to the wind.
Delicate paintings of flowers and birds line the walls in brilliant greens and reds and yellows, an array of color and nature displayed in chaotic stacks all along the walls of the shop. Hao's mouth falls open at the sight as he steps into the shop without even considering Hanbin trialing behind him. He follows his gaze throughout the narrow aisles, his eyes taking him deep into the shop behind stacks of materials and larger paintings. He had never seen artwork displayed so frivolously, and the only works he saw often were the paintings that hung in his own study that he painted on his own.
Warmth settles at his side as he pauses in front of a large yes delicate painting, startling Hao as he suddenly remembers Hanbin's presence as his hand finds Hao's hip, the heat from his fingers bleeding through layers of wool and silk.
"What am I looking at," Hanbin whispers in question, his own taste not as refined as Hao's. He never had much of an interest in painting, but he humors Hao and his love for artwork.
Pointing at the painting he had transfixed on with one of his lithe fingers, Hao explains softly, "look here. How delicate are the feathers on this peacock and how vivid the colors."
"They are quite lovely," Hanbin agrees, nodding his head in interest. Hao warms, not just from Hanbin's touch, but from the man's thoughtfulness. He had no care for artwork, but he considered it because Hao was fond of it.
Overzealous and spilling with affection, Hao scans the shop and discovers that their location in the back behind stacks of frames and materials is obscured from the rest of the store. His heart pounding with adrenaline, Hao tips his gat backwards by the brim to press his lips to Hanbin's cheek as his eyes were distracted and trained on the painting.
"You—," Hanbin turns his head, the surprise evident on his face. "What are you doing," he lowers his voice, his own gat now lopsided and a rosy blush has bloomed on his face and his ears.
"Spending the day with my lover. Should we not kiss?" Hao whispers, looking up at Hanbin through his eyelashes while fluttering them playfully.
Footsteps sound behind them, creaking over the wooden floor beneath them and forcing the men to separate. Hanbin shoots a glare in his direction as an older nobleman perusing the paintings steps into the space behind them. Their cheeks and ears match the same crimson flush as they leave the shop in a hurry. Uncouth, Hanbin's hand had wrapped around Hao's bicep to lead him back out into the narrow streets, winding them into the waves of people instead of trapped between paintings.
"When did you get so bold," Hanbin speaks again, still notably flustered from the kiss. Subconsciously, his fingers, which have also flushed a deep red in Hanbin's bashfulness, touch his own cheek right where Hao's lips pressed into them before.
"I thought we were pretending?" Hao acts coy yet again, batting his eyelashes in Hanbin's direction with a teasing smile curling the corner of his lips.
Hanbin pauses, stilling at Hao's side. Underneath the brims of their gats, they watch each other closely. Hanbin's sharp eyes noting the amused expression on Hao's face as Hao reads Hanbin's serious gaze. "I asked what you would do if you could be someone else, and you said you would spend your time with me," Hanbin recounts, his tone straightforward.
"That is correct," Hao agrees. Next to Hanbin like this is exactly how he would spend his time if he had no other worries, even if it was unseemly or perverse in the eyes of the world around them. Being at Hanbin’s side was Hao’s dream in every way, and if given the chance, he would spend the rest of his days like this.
"This is what you had in mind?" Hanbin asks directly, his eyes boring into Hao's.
"Of course," he smiles, reaching his hand out to grasp at Hanbin's through the long wool sleeves of their outer coats, the silk of their hanbok peeking from underneath—the soft pink clashing with Hanbin's vibrant blue. Hanbin's fingers are warm, warmer than usual with his blush, and he gasps quietly at Hao's icy cold touch. Even this action feels too intimate for two men, but the market is crowded enough that they go unnoticed. They are simply two yangban chatting in the busy marketplace.
Hanbin stares at him, his lips opening and closing shut as if the words had been stolen right from mouth. "We should run away together," he finally speaks, his eyes round and his tone serious despite the ridiculous suggestion. Hao laughs boisterously, squeezing his fingers in his palm before dropping his hand. He turns to continue walking down the street, folding his hands behind his back as he slowly waits for Hanbin to join him at his side.
Stunned in place, Hanbin jogs to catch up to Hao where he had lazily walks a stone's throw ahead. "I was serious," Hanbin declares, breathless as he barrels into Hao's side, knocking their shoulders together. "If it means we can be like this, we should just run away."
Hao laughs yet again, this time peering over his shoulder at Hanbin, whose face is already turned to face Hao to watch his reaction."You know that is impossible, Hanbin-ah. Let's just enjoy today," he gently chides, turning back to face forward again. His smile is easy, though his heart is heavy. He would give anything to disappear to a lifetime of adoring Hanbin, but it is not their fate in this lifetime.
❀
The afternoon passes much too quickly before their eyes; each moment is spent joyfully, but it slips like grains of fine sand through their fingers, spread out between moments of quiet intimacy. Hands held underneath their long silk sleeves as they browse a store filled from the floor to the dark ceiling overhead with imported books in foreign languages and Hanja characters alike. A kiss stolen under billowing fabrics, foreign and embroidered in beautifully vibrant colors with matching blushes on their cheeks to match.
The day is spent largely by following the whims of Hao throughout the market, grazing the different storefronts for everything that they would not find at home, though this is not what catches Hanbin's eye as they stroll along the narrow streets. On a table tucked outside of view from shops, nestled into a corner next to a shop filled with imported tea leaves, an elderly woman sits behind a small table of norigae and other accessories.
"Do you like them?" Hanbin jumps at the words whispered into his ear. He hadn't realized at the time, but after engaging in light conversation with the woman, his fingers had begun to run over the delicate knotted tassles and jade beads until Hao interrupted his focus after watching him from afar. His fingers paused on a simple norigae, a carved jade pendant in the middle with soft pink tassles dangling from the ends.
"It would be perfect for your wife, young master," the elderly woman pitches, an attempt to make a sale to one of the rich yangban. Hanbin stills, his fingers pausing over the cool stone at the center.
"I think my wife would quite enjoy it, don't you think, Hanbin-ah?" Hao elbows Hanbin at his side gently, making a joke at the woman's assumption that had caused him to flush. It was expensive, more than Hao had spent on himself throughout his trip to Hanyang thus far, but he passes the coins over easily to the woman and takes the norigae from under Hanbin's unsuspecting fingers.
When they step around the corner, away from the woman's table, Hao slips the norigae into Hanbin's pocket, patting it for good measure with a warning to hold it close to his heart. "For good luck," he smiles—for the exam, for their futures, and for the memory of this day together.
With the jade tassel weighing heavily in Hanbin’s pocket, the afternoon tips into the evening slowly, the brilliance of the spring sky painting in oranges and yellows as they end their meandering with a meal together.
"Isn't it like we're married," Hao later whispers over a steaming bowl of soup and a table full of side dishes he had yet to try, their day slowly coming to a close in the evening as the sun has passed overhead. Too concerned with Hao, Hanbin had hardly even taken a bite for himself, his rice going untouched.
They began their meals with both bowls of stew in placed in front of him as Hanbin, fishing out the large pieces of onions and replacing it with thin slivers of meat from his own bowl. After, Hanbin spent his time deboning the small fish shared between them with his chopsticks, either placing small pieces of fish on his rice or directly holding it in front of Hao's mouth to take a bite.
Hanbin laughs a full-bellied laugh at Hao's statement, both of their cheeks red from the warm stew and the residual heat from their day-long blush simply from being at each other's side. It is a joyous sound that Hao finds his heart swelling inside his chest. He follows, his own laughter filling the evening air in soft harmonization with Hanbin's. The food stall is crowded with other yangban, small tables of men and families eat together under the sunset together, and they go unnoticed, though Hao feels like the entire world shifts and moves around them. Everything has changed, with him next to Hanbin.
Even as Hanbin's smile falls, indents from his dimples and the proof that he had spent the day joyously continue to live there. Waving his hand towards himself, Hanbin encourages Hao to lean in close, his own torso bending over the small table between them. A coy hand to his neck, holding him in place, Hanbin whispers into the shell of Hao’s ear.
"That's because we are married."
Just as quickly as Hanbin had grasped at Hao’s nape, the warmth of his hand disappears, Hanbin finally diving into his untouched meal while Hao coughs involuntarily, the rattling in his chest returning with his surprise. Payback for the unsuspecting kisses he had stolen earlier in the day, he supposes, but the brilliant red of his cheeks, ears, and back of his neck are much more noticeable now than the blush that Hanbin had been sporting earlier.
"You bastard," Hao curses, lowering his voice and unfurling one of his feet from where it had been crossed underneath the table to playfully kick at Hanbin's legs. Always attentive and able to guess Hao's next move, he catches Hao by the ankle. Hao stills, Hanbin's hand wrapped around his bare skin, just above his stark white sock. With a wicked gleam in his eye, Hanbin tugs him forward by his ankle, pulling him flush against the small wooden table between them, jostling the ceramic dishes spread out in front of them.
Hao's eyes widen, both in shock and with a silent threat to let him go. They communicate through their gazes as Hanbin holds onto him under the table, a silent war being waged between their eyes. Just as his hands start to loosen and Hao pulls his foot away, the corner of Hanbin's lip curls up mischievously.
"What are you—," Hao starts, flustered completely at Hanbin's expression until Hanbin's hand slips under his sinched pant leg, his thumb digging into his calf as he massages the muscle there. He gasps, but Hanbin simply leans over the table further, the wood pressing into his stomach as his second hand reaches for Hao's foot. Pressing his palm flat against the bottom of Hao's foot, Hao gasps. Held captive as Hanbin's delicate fingers graze over his foot and his ankle again, he touches him gently as his other hand digs into his worn muscles.
"Hanbin-ah," Hao warns, taking a worried glance at the other tables around them, finding them all preoccupied with their own meals to pay attention to the strange yangban seated next to them. Though if Hanbin continues, Hao is not certain they will stay unnoticed.
"What is it, Hyung-ah," Hanbin cocks his head with his feigned confusion and a teasing tone.
"Let me go," Hao demands through gritted teeth. Warmth is rising over his entire body, and the low buzzing of his desire throughout the day had been an ever present concern, but now he is struck by it again with a ferocity that he can feel his entire body course with it: want, desire, Hanbin's fingers digging into his skin and his mouth all over him.
"Whatever you wish, Hyung-ah," he states with a smile, and he truly does release the hand that had been digging into the muscle at his calf while massaging out the knots there, but instead of releasing him, uses both hands to pull his foot into his lap, directly pressing his foot against the fabric where Hanbin's thick cock lies.
A stuttered gasp falls from Hao's lips, and through the layers of fabric, he feels Hanbin's member twitch in his trousers at the sound. Hao's jaw drops, his mouth filling with saliva, not from the unfinished food steaming underneath them, but from being shown that Hanbin wants him just as much—that he had been on Hanbin's mind all day just as Hanbin had been on his.
The world slips away around the young men as they stare into each other's eyes—their lips part in want and their chests heave in sync together with desire. With the sudden pressure of Hao's foot, Hanbin begins to harden noticeably under him, the blood in Hao's body begins rushing downward as well. It quickly becomes too much—Hanbin's grip against him, the feeling of his erection, and Hao's head spins as the blood rushes from his head. Licking his lips, Hanbin finally releases his foot, which Hao pulls back in to safety.
"You've gone mad," Hao swears at him in a hushed tone, his brilliantly crimson red face and neck most likely giving them away even if no one had seen them. With shaky hands, Hao raises his chopsticks with a piece of the now-cold fish to his mouth, chancing a glance upwards through his eyelashes at Hanbin.
The man across from him is decidedly just as flustered as he is despite his earlier confidence. His cheeks are ruddied with a patchy crimson red and he fumbles with his spoon in his shaky hands. He glances upwards through his eyelashes as well, a knowing, yet sheepish smile on his lips. "Only for you," he laughs, breathless.
In his chest, Hao's heart pounds over the dull thrum of conversation all around them. He watches Hanbin as he clumsily maneuvers his chopsticks, taking a piece of kimchi from the small dish in front of himself and placing it directly over Hao's spoon once again.
❀
Night still falls early, the last remnants of winter lingering alongside the frosty chill of the evening. Desperate for their night to last forever, the single night that they have to simply be at each other's side, Hanbin used the last remnants of the coins that his father had sent him to Hanyang with on rich pots of liquor and a room for the evening to drink them in.
A chilled breeze blows through the open door, left open to view the stars overhead. Audibly, Hao's teeth chatter at the cool wind that cuts through his clothing, though his belly was warming from the mouthfuls of alcohol he had already drank. Hanbin sat not across the table, but at his side, their knees brushing each other as they craned their necks up to the sky, counting the stars over head. Hanbin had already drank far too much for his weak tolerance, his eyes drooping and his head nodding invountarily as Hao pointed out the few constellations in the sky that he could remember.
"Are you tired," Hao hums, just after Hanbin had dropped his head to Hao's shoulder, tucking himself into the crook of Hao's neck. He might be more careful, but the room they were in was tucked far away from the other patrons, who by the sounds of rowdy male voices in the distance, would be too preoccupied or inebriated to even notice them.
Hanbin's hand slips around Hao's waist, holding onto him more firmly, though Hao suspects that Hanbin is simply leaning on him for support. His warmth on the cool night bleeds through the many layers of Hao's clothes, warming him from the outside just as the alcohol was hot as it traveled down his throat and pooled in his belly.
"No, I am simply happy," Hanbin sighs, turning to press his lips to the base of Hao's neck. "Happy and in love," he sing-songs dreamily with the liquor. After a moment, Hanbin picks himself back up, a brilliant flush coating his cheeks with the alcohol and his bottom lip jutting out. Blinking bashfully in Hao's direction, he leans over Hao’s body, grasping at both of his hips to turn him gently so that their knees brush together. "Are you happy?" Hanbin asks, all too innocent and eager, his eyes wide and his cheeks flushed beautifully.
There is nothing that Hao needs to consider. Of course he is happy. He had spent his entire adulthood trapped in the confines of his study, enclosed within the web of his responsibilities with no way out. A day where he could be anyone else but himself, where he could simply be in love and have Hanbin at his side. Of course he was happy, and it would be a day that lives in his heart for the rest of his life— maybe in all of his lives to come. He believes he would remember this feeling even if he was born again and never had the chance to cross paths with Hanbin again, as devastating as the thought might be.
"Any day next to you is a joyous one, my love," Hao hums, a soft smile reaching his cheeks. "But this was the most wonderful day yet."
Hanbin laughs, a beautiful, joyful sound. Without considering the potential for other patrons or staff to walk past the open door of the room, Hanbin's hands grasp at Hao's cheeks, holding his face gingerly between his soft palms. He brings their faces together, connecting their lips just like that. Hanbin holds him firmly, the kiss full of a lifetime of so much adoration that Hao can taste it alongside the alcohol on his tongue. A short yet impassioned kiss that leaves Hao gasping for breath. However, it ends too quickly as Hanbin either finally remembers that they are in public or he realizes he wants more than he can have in this moment
Red all over and chests heaving in sync, their breathing is ragged as they try to gasp in air. Hanbin's eyes are dark, his usually honey-colored irises pitch black even under the light of the lantern's flames. Hanbin's hands have fallen from where they had grasped Hao's face, slowly dragging them over the length of his body and landing over his knees.
With a gentle squeeze and a gaze full of anticipation, Hanbin smiles, warm and a bit dazed from the alcohol. "Let's go home," he suggests, his words full of anticipation and a hidden meaning. It is not their home, though within the fantasy of the day spent together, with the only time they've been allowed alone, it functions as such.
Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, Hao nods. His cheeks paint a lovely shade of red to match Hanbin's, though not from the alcohol in the same way, but from the palpable desire for his lover. "Take me home," he agrees.
In a clumsy flurry, Hanbin stands, his balance from sitting on the ground combined with the alcohol making him lightheaded. He stumbles slighty, eliciting a surprised chuckle from Hao. Despite his clumsy demeanor, he still holds his palm out to guide Hao from his resting place on the floor, pulling him to his feet with careful ease. Even as he himself had lost his balance, his gracefulness is unwavering at Hao's side.
Hands held together, Hanbin pulls them both to the threshold of the room, slipping his shoes on in a hurry, Hao pauses. "Wait," he starts, slipping his hand from Hanbin's. The ceramic pot they had been drinking from still held a few mouthfuls of liquor, and he couldn't stand to see Hanbin's good will and his father's money go to waste. Lifting it to his lips, he swallows the liquor in haste before sputtering a cough, the alcohol stinging as it goes down, and a messy drop trails down his chin.
Hanbin swallows thickly as he watches the scene in front of him, both his and Hao's gats held in his hand where they have dropped at his side. Hao sputters another cough, which shakes the man from his stupor. Hastily, Hanbin places his gat over his head and slips his shoes back off once again to slide across the wooden floor. Eyes dark under his lopsided headwear, Hanbin swipes his thumb from Hao's chin to the corner of his mouth, wiping away the liquor that had spilled there before slipping his thumb between his own lips. Round eyes stare back at Hao as he rolls his tongue around his thumb, tasting the bitterness on his tongue while Hao watches breathlessly.
When satisfied with Hao’s response, Hanbin smiles, mischief rife in his expression as usual. Plopping the gat on Hao's head, who has a firm suspicion the headwear does not belong to him given its ill-fitting nature, Hanbin grasps at Hao's hand again. This time, he takes it.
Shoes are slipped haphazardly onto their feet, money tossed at the owner of the establishment, and their feet graze the narrow streets again, lit only by the light of lanterns, all while their hearts pound with anticipation.
Laughter bubbles up in their chests as they run in haste back to Hanbin's uncle's home, or, rather, their home together in this fantasy that they have created for the night. Hands held together, chasing the night through the streets, they run side-by-side. The streets have emptied for the night, the enforced curfew approaching and clearing most of the patrons from the marketplace, unless they were stumbling home drunk after visiting the kisaeng houses.
The closer they get to their home, the more narrow and the darker the alleys become, completely devoid of any other soul. Unexpectedly, Hanbin stops in his tracks, pausing in a shadowed corner of the street, scanning his head from left and right. Just as the question forms on Hao's tongue, Hanbin's hands are firm on his shoulders, walking him backwards until his shoulder blades reach the icy cold stone wall outlining the home of a sleeping family behind them.
"What are you—," he starts to ask, but is cut off by Hanbin's arms wrapping around his waist and Hanbin's lips meeting his unexpectedly. Without thought, Hao's arms circle Hanbin's neck, pulling him in even closer as Hanbin's tongue traces his lips, sliding into his mouth and tasting the alcohol on his tongue. Hanbin kisses with the fervor of a starving man, eating him whole and rolling their entire bodies together, swallowing each other whole in the dark of the night.
Losing themselves into the kiss, the sound of distant voices is what pulls them out of each other's embrace, startling Hanbin into hopping a full step back. In the dark, all Hao can see is Hanbin's lopsided gat where it had all but fallen off Hanbin's head and his brilliant smile. Chests heaving in perfect sync, Hao steps forward on wobbly legs, using his clumsy fingers to readjust the gat so that it fits onto his head.
"Let's go," Hao encourages, his voice hoarse simply from one kiss that had left him entirely winded. With a pat to Hanbin's arm, he turns the direction they had been walking previously and finds his pace again, bringing his hands behind his back and turning his chin upwards as he walks, composing himself in the dark. The perfect disguise as he hides that he had been kissed senseless by a man out in the wife's streets of Hanyang just moments prior.
Again, Hanbin chases after Hao, sneaking a hand around his waist once he catches up to him and squeezing it before returning to the perfectly polite distance away from Hao's feigned nonchalant gait, though the memory of his tight grasp remains with Hao as they walk. He leads them down one more twisting alleyway before the location becomes familiar once again. Hao realizes that they were only just a few steps away from their destination, Hanbin simply could not help himself from jumping him on the street. Hao's cheeks warm impossibly at the thought, and arousal continues to pool in his belly with anticipation.
Quick well wishes are given to Hanbin's aunt and uncle for the evening, hearts pounding and fingers shaking with excitement as they chat idly before being sent away for the night. With permission to return to their living quarters for the week they are staying in Hanyang, as soon as the door to the main house is closed behind their back, Hanbin grasps at Hao's hand, catching his gaze for a heated moment before pulling him forward in a flurry of wool and silk as they run across the courtyard to their room.
The sound of wood colliding together echoes in the night as Hanbin uses too much strength to slide open the door. Clumsily, both men huddle in the entryway, attempting to kick off their shoes in a hurry. Hao manages to slide his feet out of his shoes before stepping over the threshold, slipping in his socks on the wooden floor. Only a simple lantern lights the doorway as Hanbin fumbles with his shoes, the alcohol slowing his movements.
While he struggles, Hao unties the ribbon to Hanbin's gat under his chin as he uses his other hand to untie his own, tossing them across the room hastily. His mother would scold him if it came back lopsided from mistreatment, but he is in too much of a rush to care in the moment.
Hanbin grunts in frustration, unable to even kick the shoe away as he stumbles in his alcohol and passion-induced stupor. Hao also sighs deep in his chest, losing patience. Lit crudely by a lantern overhead, without any care for being seen, Hao grasps at the fabric over Hanbin's chest, closing it into a fist, wrinkling the silk underhand. Hanbin pauses his fumbling for only a moment before Hao pulls his torso inside the room, smashing their lips together.
Both hands on the wood framing the door, Hanbin allows himself to be mauled by Hao—eaten alive as his tongue slips into his mouth and breathy moans fall from his lips. With his focus elsewhere, Hanbin is able to finally slip the pesky shoe off his foot. Without disconnecting their lips, Hanbin's hands take Hao at the waist, pushing them both inside before sliding the door shut behind them both with another loud bang that they do not notice.
Stumbling through the room, knees and ankles colliding with the furniture and each other, their mouths stay connected, a mess of teeth and saliva. Miraculously, Hanbin guides them through the structure to their room, pressing Hao's shoulders against the wall just outside the sliding paper door separating them from the already-made bedding waiting for them. Caging him into the wall, Hanbin's mouth works expertly against him, his hands moving from Hao's waist to pulling him closer by the nape and boxing him into the wall by holding his arm next to Hao's head.
Deft fingers tug at their winter cloaks, pooling at their feet as Hao's pushes them off their bodies and onto the floor. Through the layers of their clothing, Hao can feel Hanbin's thigh right against his own erection, rocking into him slowly as they kiss, a steady constant as Hanbin kisses him senseless. He wishes to feel Hanbin—his soft milky skin under the moonlight, his broad shoulders, his veiny cock, everything—but he has enough piece of mind to simply untie the pieces of his hanbok before entering their room, slipping his chilled fingers underneath the layers to touch at his fiery warm skin.
Shivering underneath his touch, Hanbin finally separates their lips, pulling away unwillingly. "We should go inside," he whispers against Hao's lips, attempting to catch his breath. Hao flutters his eyelashes open, peering at Hanbin through a hooded gaze.
"Take me to bed, Hanbin-ah."
In a flurry, the door is slid open inexplicably, and both men, forged together as a singular unit, step over the threshold together, mouths brought together once again while clumsy fingers work to free them of their many layers of clothing. Coarse silk and cotton fall around their feet as each new layer is pushed to the side, pooling on the ground. Warm hands slip underneath Hao's waistband, tugging at the knot tied there, shockwaves coursing throughout his body as the knot finally comes undone and he is left bare as his pants fall to the ground at his ankles. Hanbin's hands are everywhere after that, the sharp jut of his hip, the soft of his stomach, the stiff mound of his backside.
"You too," Hao gasps, just as Hanbin's mouth sunctions itself to the juncture of his neck and his hands pull their hips together, crashing together again with force as Hao stumbles forward into him. Hanbin groans softly against his neck, nodding before rushing to clumsily assist his lover in untying the infuriatingly complex knot holding the pants at his hips. Two pairs of hands stumble, pushing and pulling as Hanbin lathes his tongue at Hao's neck while Hao's legs grow weaker by the moment.
Finally, finally, Hanbin's pants fall to the floor, his undergarments slipping off alongside them before he kicks them away from their feet. Guiding Hanbin's face from his neck, Hao brings their mouths together again, his hand splaying across the plane of Hanbin's wide shoulders and grasping at his backside to pull their middles flush together.
Hao had seen Hanbin in the bare flesh many times throughout his childhood, and even often in their late adolescence, though his eyes often avoided his most tender places as they dove into waterfalls when Hanbin had convinced him away from his studies for an afternoon just a few years prior. Now, he had touched him and kissed him in many places, even witnessing him at his most vulernable as Hanbin gasped into his mouth as spilled over in pleasure. Despite the truth in all these things, Hao had never been so intimate with his naked body than he is now, and his hands move on their own, delicate fingertips tracing over the intricacies of his figure, taking it all in and writing it to memory.
At the same time, Hanbin appears to do the same; his soft hands graze over the expanse of Hao's body, drinking in the sweet taste of the liquor on his tongue while sending shivers down his back as his hands glide across smooth skin. Hao could live here, just like this, as they kiss and kiss and touch as much as their hearts desire, as much as they both had dreamed of for a very long time. However, he also desires more; he wants everything with Hanbin, and this is only one small piece of their futures together.
The soft dips of Hanbin's hipbones fit perfectly in Hao's slender fingers, and they give him the perfect leverage to rock their bodies together gently. The events that had perspired earlier in the morning had been circling around in Hao's mind all day long, leaving him on edge and rife with desire since they had parted earlier in the morning. He needed Hanbin like he needed to breathe, and as he gasps for breaths in between kisses, he believes he may need Hanbin even more than he needs air.
The air shifts around them, the desire even more palpable as arousal warms their bodies and melds them together as they wind around each other. Always intuitive, Hanbin senses the shift and takes the first step into the room, a knee between both of Hao's legs as he walks him backwards. His bare skin brushes against Hao's hardening erection, the touch jolting his body, forcing a pinched grasp against Hanbin's lips and his fingers to grip at Hanbin's soft bicep.
The intimate touch pulls Hao back to the present, and his feet move alongside Hanbin's as they clumsily make their way to the silk bedding that had been laid out for them both earlier. Just as Hao's feet graze the soft fabric, he gasps, a thought suddenly striking him.
"Wait," he interiors, pulling his mouth away from Hanbin's, who blinks at him dumbly in shock. Ducking out of his arms, Hao rushes to the pile of clothing where it had been abandoned on the floor. Outside of their outer coats, everything looks exactly the same, and he looks for something specific, tossing each item of clothing as he searches it.
"Hyung-ah," Hanbin calls out to him, confusion clear in his voice. "What is going on?"
His question goes ignored, Hao mumbling to himself as he searches the seemingly endless piles of clothing on the floor searching. Crouching, he stumbles across the room where Hanbin had tossed his pants without much thought.
"Found it!" Hao celebrates, Hanbin looking over his shoulder from behind his bare back to see the norigae clasped in Hao's hand, where he holds onto it proudly.
"You were searching for that? At this time?" Hanbin questions, wholly confused, which is evident from his eyebrows pulling together.
"It's my wife's good luck charm. I didn't want to lose it," he smiles, holding it tight within his fist before pulling it to his chest. Scanning the room, he searches for somewhere safe to place it for the moment so that it does not go unfound. Hanbin chuckles, his gentle laughter filling the room and easing the tension between them, bringing a more palateable atmosphere amongst their tense, overwhelming energy thickening the air all around them. As Hao skitters across the room, Hanbin pulls the silk comforters away from the bedding before lying down on the mat he had slept on the night before.
"Your wife is waiting patiently for you to allow her to consummate your marriage," he retorts cheekily, lounging on his elbow, his head in his hand as he waits for Hao to return to him.
Flushing from head to toe, blood pooling in his cheeks and neck, but also in the pit of his belly, Hao places the cold stone on a shelf alongside Hanbin's other belongings and turns to find Hanbin where he lies, fixating on the debauched image of his lover waiting on him. Hanbin's lips are swollen, the peaks of his cupid's bow chapped and red, a blush similarly coating all of his extremities in splotches, and most damining of all, Hanbin's erection is hard against his stomach.
"My wife is quite handsome," Hao plays along, pressing a hand to his stomach, bashful now as he approaches Hanbin where he lies. Hanbin smiles, rolling onto his back and raising a hand for Hao to take.
Feet finding silk, Hao reaches for Hanbin's fingers, taking them into his hand before folding at the waist to press a firm kiss to his knuckles. Gently, Hanbin tugs on his hand, pulling Hao into a heap at his side. "Not as handsome as my husband," Hanbin smiles, bringing their lips together yet again, though this time simply pressing their lips together without any further action.
Pulling away, the men sit in silence, catching their breath as they peer back into each other's eyes. Hao's fingers trace over the delicate angles of Hanbin's collar bones, and Hanbin draws circles over his back. It is a sudden change from the passionate stumbling dance they had done to find themselves here, now in their bed and fully unclothed, and it becomes suddenly apparent the weight of all their actions and their implications.
Shyness and uncertainty settles between them and they find a moment to catch their breath, separated from each other's lips and touch. Hao's eyes dart from Hanbin's collarbones to his face, gauging his reactions, and he finds the same nervous expression in his eyes as well.
Hanbin's fingers stop, allowing his hand to spread out across his shoulder blade, covering Hao and the uncertainty that had forced them to pause. "Hyung-ah," Hanbin calls, causing Hao to pause and to raise his eyes where they had been fixed on his sternum. "What is it that you want?"
It was a weighted question, one that Hao was unsure whether he could answer fully in the moment. He wants this, whatever happens between them. He wants a life together, he wants, he wants, he wants, but after a moment of thought, he simplifies his thoughts to his true desires. "I want you," he answers simply, though it conveys his heart sincerely.
Hanbin scoots in closer, the soft shuffling on silk sounding in the quiet room as he moves closer, Hao's eyes crossing as Hanbin touches their noses together, their lips brushing from the proximity. "How do you want this? What do you want?"
"Everything. I want everything," Hao whispers, his lips brushing against Hanbin's as he speaks. Hanbin sighs gently before connecting their lips once again, though this time he moves more intentionally with a purpose.
A hand against the small of Hao's waist, Hanbin brings them closer, their hips flush against one another, erections meeting with a pair of soft moans that blossom into the quiet night air. Hanbin is no more knowledgeable about this, about intimacy, than Hao is himself, but he moves with an air of confidence that causes Hao to gasp into his mouth, to paw at Hanbin's skin in pleasure. They had read the same books, they had heard the same lessons, they had even blushed from the same hushed conversations with Hanbin's brothers. However, unlike Hao who dreamed in abstract, simply imagining the thought of intimacy with Hanbin, Hanbin must have considered this in detail. He would have planned out this night in his mind over and over, considering what roles they would take, what might be the way to please his lover the most, and he moves with that intention at the forefront of his thoughts.
They both stumble; it is awfully clumsy and apologies are whispered against each other's lips and against each other's skin as they find the places that make each other cry out and gasp and even rut their hips subconsciously together.
With strong hands, palms at his shoulders, Hanbin presses Hao's shoulder blades to the mat below them, warm from the floor beneath them. Leaning over his lover, he brings their lips together again and again, his fingers trailing the length of Hao's torso, grazing the subtle broadness of his chest, the hardness of his erect nipples, the soft of his stomach—all while Hao gasps into his mouth, tugging on Hanbin's hair at his nape.
"Oh," he mumbles to himself, surprised as Hanbin's mouth trails from his lips to his cheek, down his neck. His tongue lathes at the long expanse of his throat as Hao tosses his head back in pleasure. Tasting the sweat pooling on Hao's skin, Hanbin's tongue follows a trail down his collarbones, leaving a trail of saliva that cools in the night air, sending shivers coursing over Hao's body. His tongue caresses the mold of his torso, following the lines of his chest to taste the saltiness of his skin. He latches onto Hao's nipple, sucking it between his teeth and swirling his tongue around it to draw out harsh gasps, whimpers that echo overheard against the wood ceiling above them.
"Hanbin," Hao curses, the teasing that the man is doing to him absolutely maddening. Against his abdomen, his erection spurts weakly, the stimulation from Hanbin's mouth all too much. Hanbin does not listen, his lips suctioned to Hao's chest while a hand kneads at the other side of his chest, his hips rutting softly against Hao's thigh all the while. Though Hao hadn't touched him either, even simply pleasing his lover was enough for Hanbin.
"Hanbin," he hisses again, though without response again. Unlike his gentle touches from before, Hao threads his fingers through Hanbin's hair at his nape where it is still tied neatly into his topknot, tugging at it and pulling Hanbin off of him forcefully.
With a popping sound, Hanbin pulls of his chest, looking back at Hao with watery eyes and swollen lips. He had gotten too carried away in the moment, and Hao's chest now ached from the harsh stimulation.
"M'sorry," Hanbin slurs, drunk off of tasting Hao, and from the few mouthfuls of alcohol he had earlier. Hao reaches a hand upward to pet at the hair he had tugged on forcefully, soothing the ache that must still be there. Hanbin's eyes close from the tenderness of the touch, humming and leaning into it.
"It's alright, my love," he smiles and a dazed smile raises on Hanbin's face where it hovers above his own. A hand placed flat to his chest, Hao pushes Hanbin back against the pillows, Hanbin falling with a surprised 'oof!'
"Let me take care of you now," Hao smiles, the apples of his cheeks rounding out with the warmth he feels in his chest. Hanbin lets out another soft hum, nodding his head between the bedding where he had fallen.
Taking a deep breath to settle himself, Hao pushes himself on his hands and knees, hovering directly above Hanbin as his eyes widen in surprise. Shuffling over him, Hao straddles his thighs, his hands clenching the silk around Hanbin's head into fists as he peers above him. Hanbin is so lovely like this, staring up at his lover through the long eyelashes that fan out around his eyes, a ruddy blush coating his cheeks, all while his tongue runs over his cracked lips in anticipation.
"Take care of me, Dear," Hanbin requests, and Hao's heart swells in his chest, his own eyes watering simply from affection welling in his chest.
"I love you," he smiles, shifting to use one hand to brush away the stray hairs that had stuck to his forehead before cupping it around his cheek.
"I love you," Hanbin smiles, bringing his hand to grasp Hao's hand where it holds his face, blinking slowly, just like a friendly cat might.
Hao nods to himself, leaning down to press his lips against Hanbin's just once, a short, yet heart-fluttering kiss, before pulling away to sit on Hanbin's bare thighs. Peering down at Hanbin through his lashes, Hao's chest rises and falls, heavy with expectation.
His experience was nonexistant, and he had not planned this far, simply wanting Hanbin on his back so that he could please him as well. Gently, Hao trails his fingers over Hanbin's torso, beginning at his sternum and tracing over the lines of his figure, watching at Hanbin shivers with his touch, gauging what places draw out the loudest gasps or pull whimpers from his lips, all the way to the hair that curles in a trail under his bellybutton.
A scientific envoy, Hao makes it, first with his fingers, and then with his mouth as he presses his lips over the entire expanse of Hanbin's body. It is slow, but they have all night. He will sacrifice sleep this night if it means that he can write his love into every last crevice of Hanbin's body. Hanbin shivers and bucks his hips as Hao presses his lips against his chest, whimpering painfully when Hao's tongue runs over the muscle there and lingers on his pebbled nipples.
Hanbin's voice has always been a lovely, soft tenor, but like this, rough with intimacy, Hao believes he would be pleased to listen to nothing else but his hoarse tenor. He could listen to Hanbin call out over and over, whispering and crying out his name until he dies. His hipbones are sharp as he arches his back underneath Hao's hands, his soft stomach heaving as Hao presses his lips into the tender skin over and over again, just to hear Hanbin call out his name.
Kissing Hanbin is an act that Hao now feels confident in, even as he explores the entirety of Hanbin's body for this first time. His inexperience leaves him uncertain and simply following the whims of his desire, the trails of his lips only bring him downward to Hanbin's most sensitive regions, which Hao had never seen up close in this fashion. Even when they had pleasured themselves earlier, they had remained fully covered. His mouth dries, his hands shake, and he pauses, suddenly stalling with his uncertainty.
Sensing something is wrong, Hanbin props himself up on his elbows with a soft grunt, an expression of confusion on his face. "Hyung-ah, what is it?" Hanbin asks, tilting his head sweetly like a puppy, making Hao smile even through his nerves.
"I do not know how to please you," he answers honestly, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout.
Hanbin chuckles softly, pulling himself to a sitting position, patting the space in front of his crossed knees on the bedding. Heart thudding in his chest, Hao follows, matching his position. They had sat in a similar fashion often before, but not like this. Their bare knees touch, and they sit for a moment as Hanbin rubs his palms soothingly over their joined knees. Once Hao is warm and the tremor that shakes his entire body eases, Hanbin speaks.
"You could kick me out in the cold, and I would still be happy. Everything you do pleases me. Do not fret," Hanbin purrs softly, and despite the anxious thoughts in his head telling him otherwise, Hao believes him. "Come here," he smiles, unfurling his legs and hooking them over Hao's crossed ones to pull their bodies flush together. Happily, Hanbin's hands find both of Hao's cheeks, squeezing them lightly for good measure before pulling him in for a delicate kiss that turns heated in no time.
Hanbin pulls him close, practically sitting in his lap as he holds Hao and kisses him breathless. The fire between them sparks again, desperate desire catching like flames as they draw their bodies together. Hanbin holds him tight, and Hao allows Hanbin's words to guide him, simply taking what he wants and touching where he pleases.
For the first time, Hao tentatively grasps at Hanbin's erection where it sits against his abdomen, hard with anticipation. Hanbin gasps, disconnecting their mouths as his head falls to Hao's shoulder. It's strange, holding Hanbin so tenderly in his hand, to have this much power over him from a simple touch, but it encourages him to stroke softly at the member in his hand to hear Hanbin groan into his skin and paw at his shoulder blades where his hands had circled.
Taking each of the lovely sounds and the drool from Hanbin's mouth that is dripping down his chest as encouragement, he strokes him up and down, over and over, skin against skin. Hanbin's legs tremble against him, his noises growing louder and louder with each movement of his hand. Hao had never touched himself like this, even late at night and dreaming of a moment like this with Hanbin, in this way, but he learns quickly how to touch Hanbin in ways that has his cock spurting and his nails raking over the soft skin at his angular shoulder blades.
Hanbin grows louder and louder until he suddenly pushes Hao away, pinching his hands at his hip and his shoulder to hold him back. "Stop," he slurs, pulling away from Hao's embrace. Hao does not let go of the flaming member in his hand, but he stops his movement, eyes wide in confusion.
"Too much," he pants, his chest rising and falling heavily. "It's too fast. Too much right now," he heaves. "I want to take care of you too."
Hao understands; Hanbin had proven himself to be sensitive under Hao's touch, and he wanted the night to last as long as possible. He nods and releases him—like a string puppet with its cords cut, Hanbin slumps forward, his chin on Hao's shoulder as he catches his breath.
"Just a moment. Please," Hanbin pants, and it is Hao's turn to chuckle at the man as he attempt to steady his shaky breathing. Laughing, Hao splays his hand across Hanbin's back, caressing it like a child in his arms as he holds him.
It is not long before Hanbin settles and picks his head back up again, though his eyes are still crazed and his blush purpling at his cheeks when he separates from his embrace for Hao to see.
"You're beautiful like this," Hao coos, brushing away stray hairs again. "I wish we could be like this always."
Hanbin leans forward to press their lips together, the seal of a promise. "We will be. We will make it happen, I swear of it."
"I will keep us together, always," Hao swears, though it is a feeble promise that he might have to break. Having Hanbin like this has set their union in stone in his heart. He cannot go on living without him.
Hanbin laughs, a lovely, bright sound, and he presses his lips against Hao's, kissing through their matching smiles, with teeth and laughter bubbling between them. Hanbin moves on his own, maneuvering both of their bodies to tumble into the silk bedding, bringing them together again and again.
Time begins to feel like it is slipping through their fingers, the night of their day together ending rapidly, and the fire lit between the two men burns hot as a wildfire, catching rapidly as the seconds pass. Hanbin moves quickly, yet clumsily, his limbs difficult to follow as he works his way back down Hao's chest, pressing soft kisses to the base of his abdomen—arousal and excitement once again rushing downward and hardening Hao's member now painfully without stimulation.
However, Hanbin does not hesitate the same as Hao, and his lips continue to press into his skin, his tongue lathing over his thighs as Hanbin pushes them apart with his hands. Hanbin noses into his crotch, breathing in his musky scent and pressing his lips against the base of his erection.
"Hanbin!" Hao gasps, his hand finding the back of Hanbin's head between his legs. Hanbin tilts his chin upwards to look directly into Hao's eyes, carrying a mischievous gleam in his gaze that makes his heart stutter in his chest. Hanbin's hands push his thighs open even wider before manuevering himself on his chest on the bedding below them. Eyes wide as he watches from his elbows, Hao all but shouts when Hanbin grabs his erection at its base before pressing it past his lips in one fluid motion.
"What are you—," he starts before cutting himself off with a groan that they could hear across Hanyang as Hanbin's tongue swirls around the head of his member. His elbows give out, and he tumbles back onto the bedding, missing the pillow at his head falls flat to the mat. He had no idea where Hanbin learned something as lewd as this, and he swears that he is searching through the library of his books once they return home. As his delirious mind ponders this, Hanbin takes him further into his mouth, slowly swallowing him whole and interruption that though with a stuttered moan drawn out from Hao's mouth.
The wet heat of Hanbin's mouth is overwhelming, and Hao has never felt anything of the sort. He has never felt so much pleasure, and he's not sure he ever will again, as Hanbin might just be the death of him right in this moment. Hanbin is still inexperienced, and his teeth graze painfully at the sensitive skin as he drags his mouth up and down his erection, causing Hao to hiss and push against Hanbin's shoulders. However, Hanbin simply corrects himself and pushes his head down further until his nose reaches the soft of Hao's abdomen.
He hardly moves, simply holding Hao in his mouth, but the warm, wet heat is overwhelming. A chorus of soft moans that increase in frequency and volume the longer that Hanbin's mouth stays on him echoes all around him. Arousal builds at the base of his belly, threatening to spill over. A hand pressed to the back of Hanbin's head and holding his shoulder, Hao pushes and pulls at the same time, subconsciously holding Hanbin close while trying to pull him off.
Hanbin pushes himself further until he sputters around Hao's erection, pulling off completely with a ragged cough as he had gone too far. Saliva drips down his chin and wets his cheeks, his eyes filled with unshed tears as he catches his breath. Worry swells in Hao's chest as Hanbin coughs, though he could orgasm simply from how debauched the man looks now between his legs.
"Hanbin-ah, are you okay," He asks, attempting to lean forward, his palm outstretched to reach for Hanbin's face.
Hanbin shakes his head, "I am fine, Hyung-ah," he claims, his voice soft and raspy. Hao nods, unsure if he is telling the truth about his condition. Knowing Hanbin, he would push himself just so that they can continue, and Hao worries for him as he rises to his hands and knees and his chest still shutters with the heaviness of his ragged breathing.
"Hanbin—," he begins again, ready to send them both to bed without finishing, but Hanbin cuts him off by placing his hands underneath Hao's thighs, folding his body almost in half in one languid movement. Hao yelps in surprise, the upper half of his body falling to the bedding once again from the force. "What are you—," he starts again, cut off once more by Hanbin's mouth, though this time his tongue presses flat against his backside.
Hips jerking upward in shock, his body arching on its own as Hanbin licks against him, Hao yelps again in surprise. His heart rattles in his chest, but this time it is not simply from being touched by Hanbin. Panic rises in his chest as Hanbin's tongue prods at his entrance, circling around his hole from below. The feeling is unfamiliar, and a wave of shame mixed with pleasure crashes over him strangely as Hanbin's tongue circle his most vulnerable region.
"No, Hanbin," he pleads, tears welling in his eyes and he pushes against Hanbin's shoulder feebily. Hanbin continues licking without hearing Hao's protests. His tongue prods at his hole, pressing inside and Hao exclaims, uncertain and embarrassed. At this, Hanbin pulls away, eyes wide in shock where he finds Hao with an expression of fear taking over his face and tears welling in his eyes. He releases Hao's legs instantly, crawling on his hands and knees to reach his face.
"Oh, my love, oh no," Hanbin chants, and Hao feels his heart shatter into pieces at the words. Twisting his eyes shut, tears spill on their own, the sign of his embarrassment. Hanbin cups his cheek, using his thumb to brush away the spilled tears. "What is it," Hanbin lowers his voice, gentle in his reproach.
Pulling in a shaky breath, Hao opens his eyes, seeing Hanbin's face above his own, frightened tears threatening to spill from his eyes as well. "I didn't—," he begins, voice shaky from the start as more tears threaten to fall. "I didn't know what…I don't…I," he tries to get out before twisting his eyes shut again, taking in a deep breath to settle himself. Hanbin brushes his thumb against his cheek, and the action soothes some of the anxiety twisting in his chest. When he opens his eyes again, Hanbin's tears have fallen silently over his cheek in two straight arc down to his chin. "I didn't know what you were doing," Hao finally is able to express, seeing Hanbin's distress. "It felt shameful, and I was scared," he voices honestly.
"Oh, Hyung-ah," Hanbin's voice wobbles, his chin and bottom lip shaking like he is ready to spill more tears. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, ducking his head as more tears spill silently. Seeing Hanbin like this already makes Hao feel better, seeing the miserable, apologetic tears that fall down his cheeks. Hao reaches up, using the back of his hand to wipe away the messy tears on his cheeks. Hanbin lets out a small sob, clutching at Hao's hand with the one he pulled from Hao's face. "I'm sorry, Hao," he apologizes again.
"Aigoo, my baby," Hao laughs, a wet sound from his tears. "Hyung-ah is not angry with you. I just got scared for a moment. It is okay, my love," he promises and Hanbin raises his watery eyes in surprise.
"You are not angry? I didn't hurt you?" Hanbin's eyes widen as he pleads for an answer, the onslaught of such miserable tears making sense now that he thought he may have caused Hao distress.
"No, not at all," Hao promises, pulling both their hands from Hanbin's face to press his lips to Hanbin's knuckles. "I love you. You can't hurt me," he smiles.
"I think you can hurt me," Hanbin states, his voice wobbly. "I love you so much I know that you will hurt me, someday," Hanbin expresses, and all of the air is knocked from Hao's lungs. There was a hidden, unspoken devastation they knew would fall upon them someday, but neither men had been willing to speak the words.
"I will never love anyone but you, and that might hurt me as well. But you? You will never hurt me, my dear," Hao speaks, and he believes it to be true. Hanbin will never hurt him, and he can feel that certainty deep in his chest. He can't hurt him, not when fate has already given them too many aches and sores for lifetime after lifetime to hurt from.
"I am sorry," Hanbin apologizes again, though Hao is uncertain if he means for his earlier eagerness or his belief that Hao will hurt him, but whatever feeling it is, "it is alright, my love," Hao promises.
A new start, Hanbin's thumbs dig into the back of Hao's thighs again, though this time he does not press his knees to his chest, restricting him. He simply pushes Hao's thighs apart, and lies between them. He presses his lips to the meat of Hao's thigh with a smile, easing him even further.
"I don't want to hurt you, so I have to prepare you, my love. If it hurts or you are uncomfortable, I will stop once again," he voices carefully, and this warning eases Hao's earlier anxiety. Hanbin waits until Hao nods in agreement, settling his lover down on to the mat gingerly with a pillow behind his head and under his hips.
Hanbin's tongue finds him again, though this time Hao is well aware of what is happening. The sensation is overwhelming from the start, and it is uncomfortable as he adjusts, but Hanbin is careful, easing him into it this time. Hanbin's tongue circles around his hole, pressing flat against him before prodding its way inside him. It is foreign, but it is not frightening like it had been before, and Hao knows that Hanbin only wants to please him. This knowledge allows him to relax under Hanbin's touch—to lose himself in the sensation and Hanbin's gentleness, even if it is not exactly arousing.
After softening alongside his tears earlier, Hao's member suddenly stiffens again with the stimulation as Hanbin's tongue prods inside of him. It is unexpected, and he whispers a breathy, 'oh,' with the sensation. On its own, his hand slides down his front, squeezing at his abdomen with the soft waves of pleasure wracking through him. Hanbin's tongue pushes in and out of his entrance, opening him with copious amounts of saliva. It is not long before the uncomfortable sensation becomes pleasurable, and he hums soft moans with each thrust of Hanbin's tongue.
Alongside his tongue, Hanbin's fingers begin to circle his entrance, this stirring arousal in Hao's belly even further until one of Hanbin's slender fingers presses slowly inside of him. Another foreign sensation, but slowly, Hao had been worked open to accept the digit easily. Hanbin moves so slowly that Hao finds himself digging his feet into the bedding below them to rock his hips up and down against the finger, seeking out stimulation as Hanbin is too gentle with him.
"I will not break," Hao gasps, his hips rocking downwards subconsciously as Hanbin presses inside of him. The pad of his finger brushes just right against the sensitive bundle of nerve inside of him, his words trailing off with a pained groan, arching his hips from the bed with the stimulation.
Using his reaction as encouragement, Hanbin's tongue finds his entrance again alongside the finger pressed inside of him, which Hanbin presses inside of him, searching for the same visceral reaction that he had drawn from Hao just moments prior. With his mouth against him, Hanbin thrusts his finger in and out until it presses in with ease, hooking just to hear Hao cry out.
A second finger presses against the first, taking Hao's breath away with the pressure . The soft sensation of Hanbin's tongue alongside his fingers eases the stretch as Hanbin pushes them in at the same time, slowly until he reaches the base of his hand. With the same pace, he pulls them out, using his tongue to slick up his fingers and Hao's entrance at the same time. Again, he slowly thrusts his fingers in and out until the glide is easy, hooking his fingers and padding them along his walls to brush against the bundle of nerves that jerks Hao's body with each stroke.
Just as Hao promised, he does not break as Hanbin adds a third finger. The added pressure had his own erection hardening painfully, and Hanbin's repeated attacks against his prostate has his cock spurting on its own all over his abdomen where it sits untouched and painfully hard. Though he had been uncertain before, he feels more pleasure than ever, falling deep into the throes of it as Hanbin's fingers and tongue stretch him open and hook against the nerves inside of him.
Arousal crashes around him like a titlewave, sudden and unexpected. Hao's hips move on their own, rocking down on Hanbin's fingers until suddenly, his fingers press too deeply inside of him, all three prodding against his prostate at once and causing Hao to spill over onto his abdomen and chest suddenly, a violent orgasm that shakes through him suddenly. His vision goes black as he feels Hanbin's fingers stall inside of him before his other hand reaches to stoke his weeping erection.
Hao's entire body tremors as he feels himself coming back to himself, his eyes blinking open once again to find Hanbin sitting crosslegged between his legs, kneading at his thighs as they tremble. His usual mischievous smile turns one of the corners of his mouth up as he watches Hao find consciousness again.
"Are you back with me, my love," he smiles, all too proud of himself in the moment.
Rolling his eyes, "I want you inside of me," Hao states, ignoring the question entirely. He has no time now for his usual back and forth with Hanbin. He is already spent, but he can feel his member twitching in wait for Hanbin to fill him with himself, rather than just his fingers.
"As you wish, young master Hao," Hanbin jests. He maneuvers himself up on his knees before sitting on his heels between Hao's legs. With one hand, he holds himself while the other sweeps all the warm spent liquid pooling at Hao's abdomen. Scrunching up his nose as he watches Hanbin lather it over his brilliantly red erection, Hao shakes his head, though the thought has his own member twitching again where it has softened.
Pressing himself against Hao's entrance, Hanbin's mischievous smile suddenly breaks on his face, his eyes sharpening and turning serious. "Do not allow me to hurt you. I want to pleasure you as well, Hyung-ah," he warns, and Hao nods. His heart stutters with Hanbin's serious demeanor, a departure from his usual attitude, excitement flaring in his belly at the sight.
"I promise," he swears, and Hanbin nods, his shoulders slumping with his words. This time, Hanbin takes a deep breath before pushing against his backside, slipping past Hao's entrance with ease. He had prepared him well, but even so, Hao's breath catches in his throat as Hanbin slowly pushes himself inside. It's wholly unlike his fingers; he is bigger and flaming hot and he can feel Hanbin everywhere. It is painful, but it is mixed with so much pleasure and adoration for the man that Hao only recognizes the surge of emotion that course through him as Hanbin ties them together as one body.
Gentle, though his erection is anything but as it fills him completely, Hanbin takes his time, slowly pressing in just like with his fingers. Despite this, both men's chests heave with ragged breaths, attempting to calm themselves of the overwhelming sensation. Hanbin's inexperience suddenly shows itself right away, his eyes twisting shut as he pauses before moving further, just from the first thrust of his hips. Hao's belly warms at the sight, pleased that he might not even make it one stroke before spilling inside of him.
However, Hanbin perseveres, and he presses in all the way to the hilt before stalling, allowing both of them to adjust to the feeling. Once the stretch is no longer painful and Hao urges him to move, Hanbin takes hold of his hips before pulling out and thrusting in once again. Surprised moans fall from their mouths at the same time, Hao jostled from the movement.
"Kiss me," he requests breathlessly, and Hanbin folds in half to meet his lips without a second thought. Less of a kiss and more simply just breathing against each other's lips as Hanbin finds a clumsy rhythm of his hips, they moan into each other's mouth with each thrust of his hips.
It had been a long night of carefully taking each other apart, and each thrust lights fires over Hao's skin despite the sloppy imprecision. His hips rock against Hao, their entire bodies aligning as Hanbin moves inside of him. Even with his clumsy thrusts, he finds the sensitive place inside Hao and ruts against him with each stroke, pushing soft whimpers from his chest from the sensation, even after already climaxing once.
Hanbin does not last long, the sensation of Hao all around him so overwhelming that his own orgasm builds suddenly, unable to prevent it as his lover gasps so prettily underneath him. He spills inside without warning, groaning with a shout that cuts through the quiet of the night. While they were in a separate wing of the hanok complex, Hao's heart hammers in his chest at the thought of being found out simply from the lewd noises they had been making all night.
As Hanbin spills inside of Hao, Hanbin takes hold of his once again hardened erection in his hand, stroking him in time with his own feeble thrusts. Weakly, he spills over again, coating Hanbin's hand and his own abdomen once more with a shudder and his own pinched groan.
The only sounds in the quiet night are the echoes as both men try to catch their breath. Hao's eyes fall closed with exhaustion, moaning softly as Hanbin pulls out of him. He vaguely registers Hanbin's body heat disappearing for a moment before he is startled by the feeling of cool, wet linen that Hanbin pulled out of thin air gently cleaning him from the mess they had both made. Hao watches in silence as Hanbin works, his hands shaking and his legs trembling as waddles around the room, gathering their undergarments.
Once clothed with Hanbin's express assistance, Hanbin tucks Hao under the comforter before slipping under his own. Lifting Hao's shoulders slightly, Hanbin slips his arm underneath his head. Exhausted completely, Hao allows himself to be moved, grateful for being able to tuck himself into Hanbin's side. They hadn't spoken yet, and Hao's heart was fluttering like a bird in his chest. This big unspeakable event that had occured between them that they can never take back.
"Do other people love and cherish each other this much?" Hanbin finally breaks the silence, words whispered against Hao's hair, exhaustion thick in his voice, along with the rough hoarseness from overuse.
Hao ponders it. He has known many people who are in love, many marriages where the husbands and wives smile upon each other, but he cannot imagine any of them carrying a heart this heavy. "I do not dream so. They are not you and they are not me, so they cannot love the same way we do."
Hanbin's lips press to his temple, and Hao counts his breaths until they even out with sleep. The end of their day, the one chance they had to be someone else, and Hao follows him to sleep to meet Hanbin in their dreams soon after.
༄❀࿐
A cold chill bleeds through the stone underneath Hao's backside. Tremors course through his fingers, his hand trembling as he holds his brush against paper, ink threatening to bleed through the page. The voice of an elderly scholar official echoes off the long stone courtyard and the wooden fixtures all around the rows of examinees, yangban of all ages, with the same dreams and expectations crowding around them.
The day has finally come, and the weight of Hao's responsibilities crash down all around him—a cloak of disappointment and anticipation shrouding his shoulders while his future is a hand around his neck, a violent force hunching him over the table in front of himself. As much as he tries to lift his body where it is folded over the wooden table, the force is simply too much. His anxiety cripples him, even now when his ease and confidence matter the most.
Each passage read out is one Hao is prepared for—words studied over and over again since his childhood. He can answer every question and annotate the passages with ease, but his fingers still shake and blood rushes in his ears, distracting him and cutting out sections that he is unable to focus on. Panic rises like bile in his throat, burning him from the inside. This is his one chance, and the fear of his future, whether that means he is trapped inside the same failure of his father, or bound to the lifetime of servitude to the government, paralyzes him.
All around him, endless rows of yangban ponder over the same questions, read by the elderly official in his booming voice. Twisting his head from where it is held down by the force of his responsibilities, Hao watches brushstroke after brushstroke from the men all around him, brushes dipped in ink before delicately pressed to paper. No man as far as he can see struggles so visibly as him, their shoulders straight while their chins are held high. He imagines his stakes are higher than most, or maybe his mind is spiraling now in the final moments that might determine his future.
He is entirely alone, surrounded by men he does not know even the surname of, and he wishes nothing more than to sit at Hanbin's side. Like when they were children, or even just in months past, he wishes they could share the corners of the same table, the brushstrokes of their sloppy hanja running together on the same page, but they have been separated. Hanbin had squeezed his hand once for good measure before finding his place rows ahead of Hao, who lost him in an instant within the eager crowd of men similarly trying to find their assigned place.
From behind the men all look the same, though in just a moment, Hao spots Hanbin from his seat far behind. He is unable to see much but the soft blue of his outer coat outlining his broad, straight shoulders, and the delicate lines of his neck, the milky skin standing out against the blue and white silk seated there. Suddenly, Hao feels himself able to breath again simply from catching view of Hanbin ahead of him. The image of his lover is enough to ease all of his worry, and it brings him comfort in this contentious moment.
Straightening his own waist, which still tinges with the ache from days previous, a memory of his day spent with Hanbin, Hao sits up straight once more. His brush dips once again into his well of ink before meeting the paper with practiced ease. Now with Hanbin in sight, Hao glances there just as he feels his heart racing once again in his chest, allowing his presence to calm the stormy sea of anxiety that wages within his chest.
Hours pass, just like this. Eventually, Hao places his brush down for good, leaving the drying pages of ink before him to exit just the same way that he entered. He loses Hanbin within the crowd, but he can feel him moving in tandem as they work through the crowd at the same time. He knows they will find each other again.
They meet again at Hanbin's family home. Hanbin stops to greet his aunt and uncle once more after the exam, but Hao returns to their quarters, retreating to the space he shared with Hanbin to finally take a breath on his own after a lifetime waiting for this single day.
In the quiet of the room, Hao stands in the middle of it, eyes running over the wood and paper covering the windows and doors that he had begun to call home. In just the few days away from his parents, it felt like he had built a life here, with Hanbin at his side. They would leave soon, beginning the journey back to their city, and this week at each other's side would come to an end.
Despite the racing in his chest, Hao is certain he might see this place again and that this is not the end for either of them. Somehow, he felt confident after the exam; confident enough that he might even be able to return to take the exam in front of the king. He can even imagine being paraded around the palace, arches of flowers hanging before his eyes from a headpiece indicating he had received the top score on the civil servant exam. He can see it all, he can even feel hope well up in his chest that maybe, maybe he and Hanbin would set out on a new life together in Hanyang with the highest honors.
The soft tenor of the voice Hao has been fond of since the moment he heard it travels alongside the wind, carrying the melodic sound of his voice, though Hao cannot hear his words. It brings back many memories of Hanbin visiting him in his study just the same. He smiles with it, as he envisions Hanbin running back to him.
The image of his lover running to greet him is interrupted by a harsh cough that wracks through his entire body, painful as it doubles him over and springs tears in his eyes. In haste, Hao finds a handkerchief in his pocket to cover the awful cough with, coughing again and again into the cloth to clear his chest.
When the coughing finally eases, as Hao pulls away the handkerchief, it is spotted with blood; the thick red-black liquid staring back at him hauntingly. The door slides open clumsily, banging against the wood and startling Hao where he stands. Hanbin greets him joyfully, his eyes rounded into half moons, the dimples that resemble whiskers appearing on his cheeks. Heart pounding in his chest, Hao shoves the handkerchief back into his pocket, allowing an easy smile to round out the apples of his own cheeks in the wake of being reunited with Hanbin.
Sliding the door shut hastily behind him, Hanbin bounds across the room, not minding as his feet slip against the wood as his body collides with Hao's. Hanbin's lips, warm as always, press into every space on his skin that he can find, layering affections over him again and again until Hao is laughing. Hanbin holds him close, giving them space to simply just breathe together, synchronizing their hearts and their chests as they rise and fall.
"Whatever happens, I will always be at your side," Hanbin promises, and Hao wishes to believe him. He does believe him, as impossible as it might feel.
"I will meet you again in every lifetime," Hao ensures the man he loves, which Hao knows for certain. Their fates have bound them together for all time, in each and every lifetime they have in the future. He will find him in life and in death, wherever he must to stay at Hanbin's side.
One last night, holding each other in their arms, Hao presses his lips to Hanbin's temple as he sleeps. As he dreams, Hao envisions a world, of a life where he can hold Hanbin like this without worry.