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Breakthrough days. That's what Ilya's therapist called them. Days that no matter how well the medication was working, how happy he was, he still would feel the depression to the bone.
Ilya knew it was one of those days before he had even opened his eyes.
Shane had woken with the sun as usual. Ilya still sound asleep beside him. His hand resting on Shane's stomach. Shane slid from the bed with practiced quiet. After so many morning that began like this, he'd learned how to get ready for his morning run without disturbing Ilya. He slipped into the bathroom where his clothes were laid out. He dressed and on his way out of the bedroom stopped to drop a kiss on Ilya's forehead. Shane left the house and followed the path he knew would get him back to the front door in exactly 3 miles.
Once back to the cottage, Shane made his way back through the bedroom to the bathroom. Ilya still had his face buried in the blankets, but had shifted towards Shane's side of the bed. He showered and did his morning skincare before making his way back to the kitchen for breakfast. Normally Ilya would be waking up soon. It is just like him, sleep through a morning workout but wake up in time for food. Shane smiled at that thought. He had started to pull out ingredients for omelets. His with egg whites and veggies. Sausage, cheese, and veggies for Ilya.
Ilya woke up slowly. Like he was crawling his way out of his dream. The same one that usually accompanied a Breakthrough day. His mama was here at the cottage, but would always leave before he could introduce her to Shane. He could hear Shane moving around the kitchen, probably making breakfast for both of them. Ilya thought about telling Shane not to bother but couldn't find it in him to say anything. He left the bed long enough to use the bathroom and pull on one of Shane's hoodies. He crawled back into the bed and pulled the blanket up to his face and dozed back off.
Shane finished up the omelets and Ilya still hadn't emerged from the bedroom. He knew what that probably meant. His suspicion was verified when he pushed the bedroom door open and could see Ilya buried in the bed. Shane knew he'd gotten up at some point because the hoodie that was covering Ilya's curls wasn't there 20 minutes ago. He pulled the door shut again and started making a mental schedule for the day to override the one he'd already had in mind. He grabbed his phone off the kitchen counter and set an alarm for noon. Then he'd pulled up his mom's contact
‘Bad day. Will have to reschedule lunch’
Yuna replied a few minutes later.
‘I'm sorry Ilya isn't feeling well. No worries about lunch. Do you want Dad and I to drop something off? Does Ilya need anything else?’
He smiled. His parents really did love Ilya.
‘I think we are all good here. Thanks’
He set his phone back on the counter and grabbed a tupperware container for the food he'd made Ilya. Once that was put away in the refrigerator, he sat down to eat his own breakfast.
Ilya woke a while later and the small clock on Shane's bedside table showed it close to 10am now. Shane and Ilya had made a plan for these days. Ilya knew Shane would let him stay in bed and rest, but only until noon. Then he would have to get up and eat. No matter how not hungry he was. Then they would go for a walk. Since they were at the cottage, they would take the path around the lake. Then they would come back and rest some more. Sometime watch a movie, sometime talk about next season. Easy light topics.
Right now, Ilya rolled over in the bed and buried his face in Shane's pillow and breathed deep. It helped calm his mind a bit. All he could think about was his mama. And how he felt weak just like she must have. He wiped away the tears before they could fall. He was glad he was turned away from the bedroom door because he heard it open a few seconds later. He knew it was Shane. And he knew that Shane knew he was not okay. But he also knew Shane just needed to lay eyes on him for a moment to make sure he didn't vanish from the bed somehow. He heard the door close again and he tried to sleep more.
Shane tried to busy himself so he wouldn't worry so much about Ilya. But he knew that was a moot point. He was always going to worry. So over the next few hours, Shane did anything he could think of. He cleaned out the refrigerator and wiped down all the shelves. He deep cleaned the grill out on the patio. Who even did that? He sat and read a few chapters of a book Hayden had loaned him. He still couldn't help but peek in at Ilya every 15 minutes.
Over the next two hours, Ilya hovered on the line of wake and sleep. He heard Shane moving around the cottage. Cleaning what he was sure didn't actually need cleaned. The sliding of the patio door. Checking in on Ilya more often than necessary. Ilya was woken by the door again but this time it didn't close right away so he knew it must be noon. He felt the bed dip behind him. Shane ran his hand up and down Ilya's side.
“Its time to get up, baby” he spoke softly. Ilya took a deep breath and rolled onto his back. He reached a hand out and grabbed onto Shane's.
“Good morning.” He whispered, his voice rough.
Shane could see the exhaustion on Ilya's face. Shane had Ilya's hand between his own. “How about you go take a shower and I'll make you something to eat.”
Ilya nodded and gave a whispered “Okay”
Shane leaned down and kissed Ilya's forehead, then his cheek, then his lips.
Shane stood and went to the closet so he didn't crowd Ilya. He grabbed the dirty clothes hamper then stopped in the bathroom and turned the shower on. Ilya was now sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Any requests for food?”
Ilya stood and walked over to Shane. He wrapped his arms around Shane's waist, his face finding the side of Shane's neck. He whispered a ‘no’ into Shane's skin. Shane held his husband until he started to pull away. Shane didn't know if Ilya had even known but Shane had made himself a rule that he would never pull away from a hug first.
Ilya went into the bathroom without another word. Shane put the clothes in the laundry and went back to the kitchen. He pulled out different cheeses and a loaf of bread. He got to work assembling a grilled cheese sandwich. It was definitely a comfort food that Ilya had grown to love after moving to the States. He made one for Ilya and one for himself. He had just finished putting them on plates and added some fruit to the plates when Ilya entered the room. He was moving slower than normal. Not that anyone besides Shane would even notice. He moved as if his bones were 5 pounds heavier and he didn't know how to carry the weight.
Ilya sat on a bar stool at the counter and Shane set a plate in front of him. Shane took a seat next to him and started eating. Ilya dutifully ate the food on his plate, knowing that it was an important step in ensuring he didn't feel even worse. He and Shane had done this several times over the last year and it had been a struggle. They seem to have a good system now. With a lot of trial and error and help from Ilya's therapist.
Shane cleared away the empty plates into the dishwasher. Ilya stood and found his shoes already sitting by the couch waiting for him.
He pulled on the socks then the shoes. He sat at the edge of the couch, elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. His body felt heavier now than when he woke up. He didn't want to leave the house. He wanted to crawl back into bed and dream of his mama.
Shane watched Ilya from the kitchen where he was filling a water bottle. He knew he had to let Ilya move at his own pace but not to let home slip away into himself. It was a fine line. He watched for a few more moments before he walked over. He crouched down into Ilya line of sight.
“You ready?” He asked gently.
Ilya lifted his eyes to meet Shane's. He tried to give a small smile but just didn't have it in him right now. So he just nodded instead.
Shane stood and Ilya followed him out the door. The sun hit Ilya's skin and stopped to take in the warmth for a moment. He always forgot just how good being outside, feeling the sun in his skin felt when he was deep inside himself.
Shane took a few steps and waited for Ilya to fall into step next to him. He wanted to reach out and hold Ilya's hand, but he didn't. Sometimes Ilya didn't want to be touched when he got this way. They walked side by side in silence along the trail that followed the lake. After a while, Ilya reached out for Shane's hand and laced their fingers together. Shane smiled to himself and gave Ilya's hand a small squeeze. He knew it wouldn't be so bad today.
They strolled along the lake for about an hour before returning to the cottage. Ilya was able to breathe a little easier and his body felt like it had left the extra weight outside.
They shed their shoes by the door and both men sat on the couch.
“Do you want to watch a movie? There is a new movie on Netflix that Hayden has been telling me I needed to watch.”
“Yes, that is good.” It was the most Ilya had spoken all day. “But will you hold me while we watch?”
A year ago, Ilya never would have asked that of Shane. But he had been working with his therapist on asking for what he wanted and not feeling guilty for it. That he was allowed to let his guard down and not always be the strong one. That it wasn't weak or embarrassing to ask Shane to do this for him
“Of course. Come here” Shane grabbed the remote as he laid back on the couch. He held his arms open as Ilya laid down mostly on top of him, resting his head right over Shane's heart.
Shane pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and laid it over both of them. He scrolled until he found the movie Hayden recommended and then let his hand fall to Ilya's back. His hand moved steadily up and down and he felt Ilya take a deep breath.
They watched the movie in comfortable silence and then about an hour in, Ilya spoke.
“I'm sorry”
Shane didn't need to ask what he was apologizing for. This was another normal for the bad days.
“No sorrys. I love you just how you are.”
“I know. I still hate it. I hate my brain makes me feel this way.”
“I hate it too. I hate that it isn't something I can fix for you.” Shane tightened his arms around Ilya.
“I'm sad you canceled lunch with your parents.”
“Did you want to see them? I just thought.. its just you don't ever want to see anyone. I guess I should have checked with you. I'm sorry. I didn't even think to do it. I assumed its what you wanted.”
Ilya sat up just enough to look at Shane. “Woah, hey. Is okay. Don't panic.”
Shane took a deep breath and huffed out a laugh. “Sorry”
“No sorrys.” Ilya repeated the words Shane had just spoken to him moments ago. “Can we ask them for dinner?”
“Of course. If you are up for it.”
“I would like to see them, yes. I think I would feel better.”
Shane sent a text to his mom asking them to come over for dinner later and she responded right away. She said they would be over at 5 and would bring food with them.
It was after 3 when the movie ended. They would have to watch it again some other day because neither one had really paid attention.
“Can we nap before they come over?”
Shane set an alarm on his phone for 4:45 and pulled Ilya back down in response.
They were both jolted awake by the alarm.
“Still up for seeing them? There is still time to cancel.” Shane asked.
“Yes. I am feeling not so bad now. Am hungry too. Did Yuna say what they are bringing?”
“No idea.”
They untangled themselves from each other and straightened the couch back up. Shane had turned the TV to sports center and left the volume down low.
A knock came at the door a few minutes later. Shane's parents had learned the hard way to always knock.
Shane went and let them in. “Hi sweetie.” Yuna hugged her son. “How is he feeling?” She asked quietly.
Shane took the grocery bags from her. “Better than this morning. He said he was sad that I canceled lunch. I didn't know. He normally doesn't want to see anyone else.”
“Hey, its alright. We're here now.”
Shane set the bags down on the counter and started to unload them. It didn't take long to figure out his dad was going to make Ilya's favorite chicken parmesan. David walked in and set down another bag. “We got his favorite ice cream on our way.”
“He'll like that. Thanks Dad.” David squeezed Shane on the shoulder and got to work on food. He didn't want to crowd Ilya, seeing that Yuna was already in the other room talking to him.
Shane and his dad worked side by side, mostly silently while Yuna and Ilya talked quietly in the other room. Shane kept one eye on Ilya the entire time.
Shane couldn't make out the conversation but Ilya was smiling so it must have been good.
Dinner was almost done. Shane had just drained the noodles and David pulled garlic bread from the oven.
“It smells great in here.” Ilya had walked up behind Shane and wrapped his arms around Shane's waist. Shane relaxed back into his warmth.
“We made your favorite.” Ilya squeezed Shane once and let his arms drop.
David and Shane brought all the food out to the dining table and they all sat. Food was passed around and everyone filled their plates. Shane watched Ilya put less food than normal on his plate, wondering how honest Ilya had been earlier when he said he was hungry. But Shane didn't say anything.
Conversation mainly focused around renovations that David and Yuna were just getting ready to start on their home back in Ottawa. Ilya picked at his food, feeling more tired than when he suggested inviting his in-laws over for dinner. But he had felt bad about canceling lunch, even though he knew he had no reason to.
“Ilya, honey.” His head lifted from his plate when Yuna said his name.
“Are you finished?” She reached out for his plate.
“I'm, yes. I think so.” She took his plate along with hers to the kitchen. Shane laid a hand on his thigh under the table.
David grabbed the dish of leftover chicken and left the room as well.
“Okay?” Shane asked gently. Ilya nodded.
“Just tired again. Body feels heavy.” He leaned his head on Shane's shoulders for a few minutes. Shane rubbed his hand up and down Ilya's thigh.
David and Yuna came back into the room. “We've got all the food put away and the dishwasher loaded. You'll just need to start it when you're ready. I think we are going to head back home. It was good to see you boys today.” Shane and Ilya both stood to hug Yuna. She held onto Ilya just a bit longer, a bit tighter. She knew he needed a mother's hug today. They said their goodbyes and then Shane and Ilya were alone again.
It was just past 7 and way earlier than they would usually consider going to bed. But Shane knew that's what Ilya needed.
“Why don't you go ahead and get around for bed? I just want to make sure everything is cleaned up out here first.”
He saw Ilya's face crumple. He grabbed him and pulled Ilya to him. Ilya's face found its place against Shane's neck.
“Hey. It's okay. You're okay. We are good here.” Shane reassured his husband. Ilya's hand fisted in the back of Shane's shirt, trying to ground himself.
“Sorry.” He sputtered out through his tears. Ilya was finally crashing. He was just glad Yuna and David were already gone.
“Baby, no.” Shane held him tight. He would stand here and hold him all night if it was helping.
The tears finally slowed and Shane pulled Ilya toward the bedroom.
“Brush your teeth and get in bed. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?”
Shane watched at Ilya went into the bathroom. Shane left the room to check the kitchen. He started the dishwasher and then wiped down the counters. Thankfully his parents really had taken care of everything else. He shut off the TV and checked to make sure all the doors were locked.
By the time Shane made it back to the bedroom, Ilya was already in the bed, sitting against the headboard.
Shane went through his nighttime routine as quickly as possible. He grabbed a couple pain killers and a glass of water and brought them to Ilya. He knew that Ilya was going to have a headache after the day and it was better to get ahead of it. Something they had learned after a few bad breakthrough days. Ilya took the pills and water wordlessly from Shane. Shane stripped down to his boxers and crawled into the bed.
Ilya had turned the TV onto some movie that looked vaguely familiar, the volume down low.
Shane shut off the lamp on his nightstand, the glow of the TV the only light left in the room.
He laid down and reached over to Ilya. “Come here.” Ilys slid down until he was laying on Shane's chest.
It was quiet for a few minutes, only broken by Ilya's quiet “Thank you.”
Shane just kissed Ilya's forehead in response.
“Thank you for loving me and taking care of me when my brain is mush. I love you, Shane.”
“I will do this every day for the rest of our lives, Ilya, if it keeps you by my side. All your bad days will never be worse than life without you. I love you so much.”
Ilya pressed a kiss to Shane's chest, right over his heart.
They both drifted to sleep hoping, knowing, tomorrow would be better.