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If someone asked him right now, “Are you okay?” Buck would say yes, but he wouldn’t mean it.
Physically, he’s healed—the pain in his side gone, the scratches on his face disappeared, the concussion faded away. The scars that remain are far more cutting.
He still woke up feeling like he was trapped in his room, even with the door wide open and the curtains not drawn shut. He slept and dreamt of the stun baton, Bonnie’s hands all over him, the butt of a gun connecting with his head, Eddie getting shot when he was tied up, not being able to escape in time to save Eddie, and being forced to be Derek forever.
Buck’s dreams liked to surprise him with what they’d torture him with each night. He’s getting sleep, sure, but definitely not enough.
Buck knew Maddie and Eddie were worried, yet he couldn’t lean on them with this. He could figure this shit out on his own.
Buck told them previously that he wasn’t having any trouble dealing with his kidnapping. Told Eddie that the nightmares he witnessed Buck having on their 10-hour drive back are gone.
Lies, lies, lies.
He groaned, thinking about the lies piling up. He was currently on his second cup of coffee, and it was 6 a.m. Nothing seemed to be distracting him from the visions of his nightmare that had him waking up yelling at 4 a.m.
It took him nearly half an hour to stop shaking.
Trying to work out didn’t work, listening to music didn’t work, and yoga definitely didn’t work. Nothing worked.
Flashes of the stun baton pressing into his skin make his breath hitch. The name Derek crossed through his memory, and his breath came in short spurts.
Buck pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. “You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
He imagined Eddie saying it, as he had the day he found Buck in the desert. Soft and reassuring. It seemed to help a little. He breathed easier, and his heart rate seemed to settle.
Buck could do this. He was okay. He was fine.
He let out a long breath and shook his hands in the air, trying to shake out the anxiousness and panic. Once he was at the station, he’d be fine, he told himself. It’s just a rough morning. By the time he got there, all of these feelings would disappear. That’s what happened last week, his first official week back, so it could only mean the same for this shift.
Buck could be normal, could shove down everything that’s happening to him, could let his friends live their lives without worrying about him.
He was fine.
A few nightmares were normal, and Buck was completely fine otherwise, so there was no need to worry anyone else. Buck sighed, ran his hand through his hair, and counted down the minutes until he had to get ready to go on shift.
~~~~
Eddie immediately spotted him the second he walked into the apparatus bay. Buck could tell he was watching him like a hawk, and his shoulders hitched up unconsciously. It felt like Eddie could already tell something was off with him.
“Hey,” Eddie said softly as he walked into the locker room. He was lacing up his boots, but his eyes never left Buck’s.
“Hey,” Buck replied as he threw his duffel bag onto the bench before opening his locker. He jumped as the contact with the metal locker sent a shock through his hand. Buck’s heart hammered in his chest, and he could feel his mind starting to spiral.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
Eddie’s hand was on his shoulder in seconds. The feeling dissipated. “Buck? You good?”
“Yeah. Yeah, all good,” Buck answered, forcing himself to smile and keep moving. “Just got some static electricity,” he laughed, hoping Eddie would drop it.
Eddie was silent, and Buck eventually looked over to see pinched eyebrows and concerned eyes. “You sure?” Eddie asked quietly.
Buck nodded, “I’m sure.”
Eddie dipped his chin low in a nod, then turned back to his locker. Buck wanted to sigh with relief when Eddie backed off. He can’t have anyone see through the mask, especially Eddie. Eddie, whom he knew still harbored a lot of guilt about what happened, even though Buck never blamed him and never would. Buck wouldn’t give him another reason to feel guilty; he didn’t deserve it.
Besides, Buck knew that Eddie had just gotten over his injuries from the crash. He remembered Eddie’s dizzy spells and headaches from his severe concussion. Heard from Chris that Eddie limped and held his hand to his ribs when he thought he didn’t notice.
Buck knew Eddie suffered to help him. Even though he had broken bones and a severe head injury, he searched for Buck as soon as he could, even escaping police custody to do so. Eddie had done enough for him already. He wasn't about to burden him with asking to help him with silly nightmares.
So he shoved it all down and went back to changing into his uniform. He made sure to contact the metal only when he was holding something in his hand, like his sweatshirt or t-shirt.
Work was easy to focus on. Helping people. Saving people. Buck could do that.
“You know it’s okay if you’re not okay, right?” Eddie asked, apparently unwilling to let it go. Buck rolled his eyes and waved him off.
“I’m fine, Eddie,” Buck said, probably a little harsher than he intended as he pulled on his own boots. “You can stop worrying now.”
Eddie didn’t look convinced, just kept staring at him as if he could find the answers himself, but Buck was determined not to let it show. “I’m always going to worry, Buck,” Eddie said quietly.
Buck hung his head, feeling a flash of guilt at the statement. He didn’t want Eddie to be constantly worried about him. Was he that much of a mess?
“You went through something traumatic—“
“I’m okay! Seriously, I am!” Buck protested hotly, stomping a foot to the ground in irritation. Don’t call me on it. Don’t call me on it.
Eddie looked like he wanted to argue it more, but eventually he conceded. “Well, if you’re ever not okay…I’m here.”
Buck nodded at him before he took a steadying breath and gave him a grateful smile, “Thanks, Ed’s.” He appreciated the sentiment even though he would probably never act on his offer.
Eddie gave him a small smile back before he shoved the rest of his stuff in his locker. Buck does the same, and together they walk up the stairs to the kitchen.
“Hey, Buck! Hey Eddie!” Chimney greeted cheerfully, then glanced back at Buck again, and his smile turned into a worried frown. “You look a little rough. You sleeping okay?”
Buck could feel Eddie’s gaze burning into the side of his head, awaiting a response. That was probably what ticked Eddie off to ask if he was okay in the locker room. “Yeah,” Buck replied. “Sleeping well. Just a car alarm went off this morning, and then I couldn’t get back to sleep after that.”
Another lie.
Buck hated lying to his family, but he didn’t need to burden them with his problems. Especially something as simple as nightmares.
Chimney studied him for a second before he laughed and patted Buck’s shoulder. “Bad luck, Buck strikes again.”
“Ha, ha,” Buck played along, giving Chimney a little shove away from him.
Chimney just gave it right back to him. “So Buck, whatcha making us for breakfast today?” Chimney asked, rubbing his stomach in anticipation of his answer. Buck had not thought of that this morning, thanks to his nightmare and the aftermath of it.
“Uhhh,” Buck thought to himself, trying to come up with something, anything related to breakfast.
“What about eggs and pancakes?” Eddie suggested, and Buck was immensely grateful for his friend. “Chris kept going on and on about your pancakes, and now I have the craving.”
His friend, whom he most definitely did not realize he had romantic feelings for, post-kidnapping. But that wasn’t a subject he wanted to face with a ten-foot pole, so he shook his head to clear it from his mind.
“Yeah, yeah, I can do that,” Buck said distractedly. “Anything for you.” He tried to keep his tone casual and upbeat to hide the fact that he meant it seriously.
“Well, as long as you add bacon to the mix, I’m sold,” Chimney said, already pulling out the eggs and bacon from the fridge.
Buck laughed, “You got it, sir.”
Chimney shot him a flat look, which made Buck smile.
When they turned their backs to him to gather the rest of the supplies, Buck sighed quietly with relief. He was right; once he was on shift, it would be better. It was already just being here with Eddie and Chimney, and when everyone else arrived, it would be even better.
Ravi arrived a few minutes later, with Harry to follow. Harry was complaining to Ravi about taking up too much of May’s time, and he never gets to see his own sister anymore. Ravi seemed unfazed, just smiling at the younger boy’s antics. Hen came in shortly after, and Buck felt like he could finally distance himself from this morning.
~~~~
The fates were kind enough to let them enjoy their breakfast without interruption, but as soon as they finished, the bell rang. The rest of the day was filled with calls ranging from car accidents to cats stuck in trees to a medical emergency at a residential home.
They only had about half an hour of downtime before the alarm went off again. Buck went to the rig alongside everyone but Eddie and Hen, who went to the ambulance. Maddie informed them, she got a 9-1-1 call about someone being electrocuted by the refrigerator in their house.
Buck sucked in breath when he heard it over the radio. Ravi gave him a puzzled look from where he sat next to him in the rig. Buck forced himself not to focus on the electrocution. Forced himself to smile at Ravi. Forced himself to think of anything, anything else other than the stun baton pressing into him.
He dug his nails into his palms, trying to distract himself from the onslaught of memories of that day. He turned his head out toward the window, inhaled shakily, and squeezed his eyes shut.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You can do it.
The rig jolted to a stop, and Buck opened his eyes, sucking in one last big breath.
Ravi apparently did not believe Buck; he was on his tail the second he hopped out of the rig, his face pinched with concern, “Buck? What’s going on?”
Shit.
Buck waved him off and kept walking toward the house after Chimney. “I’m fine, Rav, just a little car sick.”
Ravi did not let up. “Bullshit, Buck! Something’s wrong!”
“I’m fine!” Buck argued, turning back to face Ravi for a second. Ravi gave him a disbelieving look, but Buck kept moving on.
He hadn’t told anyone he was electrocuted when he was kidnapped, not even Maddie. He wondered if there was a chance Eddie knew because Buck used the stun baton on Earl.
He followed Chimney into the house. Buck could feel his body tensing as they anticipated what was going to happen. He felt an electric current running through the air.
Not now. Not now.
Ravi stayed glued to his side as they walked toward the kitchen, where Maddie said someone got electrocuted. Buck heard Eddie and Hen following them with the gurney and backboard.
“Derek!” A woman screamed.
Buck froze at the name, and Ravi bumped into him.
No. No. No.
The world started to turn, and there was a ringing in his ears, and the woman was yelling again. “Derek! Wake up!”
Derek.
I’m Derek! I’m Derek!
You playing games with me now, dear?
You can’t pretend to not know your own mother.
Everything is gonna be just fine, baby.
Buck’s chest tightened, and his breath began to come in short gasps. He felt as if his body was seizing up just as it did when the stun baton struck him. His breaths turned frantic.
The buzz of electricity. Pain. Pain. Pain.
I’m Derek. I’m Derek. I’ll be Derek.
His legs felt like jello, and his hand came up to his throat, desperate to breathe as if he could claw the air out of his lungs.
Derek.
Derek.
Derek.
Buck didn’t notice the tears in his eyes until they were falling and blurring his vision. His heart hammered in his chest, feeling like it would burst through his chest any minute.
A stun baton. Bonnie is standing over him. Jolt of electricity. Derek. Pain, pain, pain. Derek.
A red and white striped long-sleeve. Derek. Motorcycle accident. Derek. Bars on the window. Derek. Bars on the door. Derek. White cowboy pajamas. Derek.
He’s Derek. He’s Derek.
No.
No.
He’s Buck. He’s Buck.
Buck’s vision narrowed, the edges of it turning black. His knees buckled, but he didn’t crash to the ground as someone caught him mid-air.
It’s Bonnie. She’s here for me. She wants me to be Derek.
All he could hear was a sharp, piercing whine flooding his ears. Buck tried to fight back, to bat the hands away, but his body wouldn’t cooperate. Buck whimpered as he tried to suck in another breath to no avail.
She’s gonna electrocute me again.
Buck waited, anticipated the pain, the prod of the stun baton on his leg or his neck. He squeezed his eyes shut, and he could swear he could hear the buzz of electricity coming for him. He felt himself shaking as he hyperventilated.
“Buck!”
He can’t recognize the voice at first. He grasped the call of his name like a lifeline. Buck. I’m Buck.
“Buck?!”
“Hey, Buck! I need you to breathe for me!”
Buck couldn’t. He couldn’t. He was going to suffocate. His breaths were shallow and uneven. His eyes swam with tears.
“Buck.”
The voice changed, suddenly deeper. He tried to focus on it, squeezing his eyes shut.
“I need you to breathe with me, okay?”
Buck didn’t know how or when, but suddenly his hand was moved onto someone’s chest. The chest began to make exaggerated breathing moments.
“Just like me, Buck. You got it.”
Buck was his name. Not Derek.
It took a moment, but he listened to the voice and tried to copy the breathing. He felt himself failing, but the voice kept encouraging him. Buck tried again, his chest stuttering as he gasped.
“Alright, I need to see those baby blues, Buck. Open your eyes for me,” the voice commanded softly.
Buck’s breaths still felt wrong, still felt uneven as he continued to breathe in sync with the other person. He took a shaky inhale and then, with what felt like a massive effort, opened his eyes.
Everything was blurry at first, swirls of colors and then eventually shapes, until Buck finally found out who was in front of him. It was Eddie; he should’ve known it would be him.
“I’m Buck,” Buck wheezed out, desperate for someone, anyone to know.
Eddie nodded frantically, his eyes wide with panic. “Yeah, sweetheart. You’re Buck. Evan Buckley,”
“I’m not Derek,” Buck whimpered, a tear falling from his eye.
Eddie didn’t need to ask to put the pieces together. He wiped the tear from Buck’s cheeks with his thumb as one hand cradled the side of his, just like it did the day he saved him. Eddie responded calmly and reassuringly. “You’re not Derek, Buck. Just Buck.”
“I’m Buck,” Buck repeated again, breathless.
“You’re Buck,” Eddie confirmed again. “Buck the firefighter. Buck, who has a sister named Maddie. Buck, who’s an uncle with a niece and nephew. Buck, who loves baking and has the worst taste in music. Buck, who helped me—is helping me raise my kid. Buck, who's my best friend. The man I love… who everyone at the 118 loves. You’re Buck.”
As Eddie spoke, Buck’s breathing slowed and began to even out. “That’s it, sweetheart,” Eddie cooed, his thumb ghosting over the pulse point on his wrist.
Everything he had thought of in that moment caught up to him.
“I’m Buck,” Buck sobbed when he finally caught his breath. He looked at Eddie with watery eyes, “And I’m not okay.”
Eddie’s face was agonized before he pulled Buck into a fierce hug, squeezing him close. “That’s okay. That’s okay, baby.”
Buck buried his head into Eddie’s shoulder and sobbed. Eddie’s hand immediately came to cradle the back of his head, gently rubbing and carding his fingers through his curls.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” Eddie tells him. Buck's fingers dug into Eddie’s sleeves. He hadn’t cried about it yet, not since Bonnie pulled the gun on him. It felt like a weight off his shoulders.
Eventually, his sobs turned to cries to hiccups as Eddie made soothing noises and continued to embrace him. Buck felt utterly spent. His body felt heavy, and his head was a thousand pounds. “M’sorry,” Buck mumbled into Eddie’s shoulder.
“Hey, no,” Eddie said. “No apologies from you about this ever, okay?”
Buck nodded numbly, pulling back. He suddenly realized they were sitting on the floor in someone’s dining room, crowded against a wall. Embarrassment sank through him.
“Come on, let’s get you up,” Eddie grunted, as he moved onto his feet and grabbed his arms to pull him up beside him. Buck went with him willingly, stumbling forward when he reached his feet. Eddie steadied him, “I got you.”
Buck felt shaky and weak, like he was a baby deer learning to walk for the first time. His cheeks flushed in the effort it took to keep upright. A sudden thought had him look behind him, only to see no one in the house.
Where was everyone else? What about the victim they came here for?
“Is the man okay?” Buck questioned, feeling a surge of guilt at becoming a sort of victim himself when someone else was hurt.
Eddie steered him out of the house, hands never leaving him. “Hen and Harry are taking care of him. Nothing you need to worry about.”
“But—“ Buck tried to protest. He freaked out on a scene where someone could’ve died.
“Hey,” Eddie cut into his spiral. “Nothing you need to worry about. You trust me, right? You trust Hen, right?”
Buck frowned and immediately nodded, “Of course I do. You know I do.”
“Then trust me when I tell you Hen has it handled, and trust Hen to handle it. You focus on yourself.” Buck’s mouth clicked shut, and Eddie gave him a small encouraging smile. “I’m gonna get you home now, okay?”
Buck quietly agreed. All he felt like doing was going to sleep, but sleeping meant nightmares; he winced at the thought. They were going to be rough tonight, he just knew it.
~~~~
About an hour later, Eddie was driving Buck home in his truck. He’d gotten well wishes for the rest of the team and a concerned series of texts from Maddie that he couldn’t bring it on himself to reply to.
When they were driving, Buck almost missed the way Eddie drove right past the turn for his house. “Hey, you missed the turn,” Buck commented, looking back.
“I know,” Eddie said, his eyes straight ahead.
“Well, I’m sure there’s a connecting road up ahead, maybe just take the next right, and we can map it from there,” Buck suggested, already pulling out his phone.
Eddie sighed and responded with, “No.” He gently took Buck’s phone from his hand and laid it in the console between them.
“No?” Buck asked, confused. His mind still felt like it had been fried from his earlier panic attack, as Eddie had kindly labeled it on the way back to the station.
“You’re coming home with me tonight. I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
Buck didn’t have it in him to deny Eddie, because one he was tired, and two he didn’t want to be alone right now.
It was dark by the time they made it to Eddie’s, and Buck felt like a zombie. When he got out of Eddie’s truck, he moved on autopilot behind Eddie, who kept glancing back at him as if he would disappear. Eddie unlocked the door with his keys and let Buck go in before him. All Buck wanted to do was crash, but Eddie forced him into the kitchen to eat some leftover pizza.
“Is Chris here?” Buck asked between small bites, his foot tapping against the floor anxiously. Eddie slid a glass of water over to him, and he grabbed it and drank greedily.
“He’s at my tía’s place,” Eddie answered, before sitting across from him. “I texted her to ask if she could take him for the night.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” Buck objected, putting the glass down, but not taking his hand off of it.
“I know,” was all Eddie said in response. No more explanation or elaboration.
“Did y-you tell him or Pepa what happened?” Buck asked, feeling small.
Eddie shook his head and pursed his lips. “No, I just told them you had a rough day at work and that you were going to stay here tonight to sleep it off.”
“Oh, thanks,” Buck mumbled. They were silent after that. Buck didn’t know if Eddie was waiting for him to say something or if Eddie was going to say something else. Buck insisted on taking the plates despite Eddie’s protests. After Buck stumbled a little in his footing, that was when Eddie declared it was time for Buck to go to sleep.
Buck tried to not think of all the nightmares heading his way. He desperately wanted to sleep, but the last thing he wanted was more memories of New Mexico. His legs took him toward the couch like usual, resigning himself to a night of tossing and turning.
Eddie’s hands steered him away. “I think you earned the privilege of the bed tonight, bud.” Too tired to protest, Buck went along with him to the bedroom. Eddie gestured to the bed when they got there, and Buck moved toward it, heading to the side closest to the window.
They had designated sides for sharing the bed since quarantine, he wasn’t about to break tradition now. Buck sat on the bed, yet couldn’t make himself get under the covers, not yet; he wanted this elephant in the room gone. He knew he had to explain himself at some point.
Eddie was quiet, setting down his phone on the nightstand and hooking it up to the charger.
“You can ask, you know,” Buck said quietly.
Eddie sighed, pulling off his sweatshirt and sitting down on the bed. “We don’t have to do this tonight, Buck.”
“I want to,” Buck insisted. Eddie looked at him for a moment as if judging how stubborn he would be about this.
“Alright,” Eddie relented. “Do you think you could tell me what happened there?” he asked gently. Eddie’s face was pinched with concern, like this question had been eating him up inside not to say.
Buck sucked in a breath. He knew he basically told Eddie to ask him, but it didn’t mean it was easy. “B-Bonnie she-she e-electrocuted me with the t-thing I used on Earl. She w-wanted me to be her son…” he stuttered out. He couldn’t bring himself to say the name again.
Eddie cursed under his breath, his gaze dropping from Buck’s.
“A-and the name and someone getting e-electrocuted, brought it all back,” Buck admitted in a whisper. He hastily wiped the tear that fell from his eye.
Eddie nodded in understanding, his head still downcast. “I’m sorry, Buck.”
Buck shook his head, taking Eddie’s hands in his. “Not your fault.”
Eddie shook his head as if he disagreed. “We’ll just have to agree to disagree there.” Buck frowned, but before he could say anything, Eddie was asking him something else.
“You’re still having nightmares, aren’t you?” he questioned, one hand escaping Buck’s grasp and curling around his elbow. Buck swallowed and then nodded.
“Every night?” Eddie asked. Buck nodded again, and Eddie’s jaw clenched, “You should have told me.”
“I know,” Buck admitted. “I just didn’t want you to have to deal with…well, me more. Not over something like that.”
Eddie did not appear to like that comment, his jaw tightened and his mouth wrinkled like he tasted something sour. “And today? Has that been going on too?” Eddie pushed, raising an eyebrow.
Buck shook his head. “No, uh, that was new. I have some trouble breathing after a nightmare, but nothing as bad as today.”
He felt weak and tired. He hated that feeling, hated that his emotions had gotten the better of him today, and now Eddie was forced to take care of him (even if it was what he’d secretly been craving for weeks now).
Eddie squeezed his hands in his. “I have nightmares too, you know,” he admitted, and Buck blinked, surprised. “About losing you. About our stupid fight and how we weren’t even that far off course. About not getting to you in time. About not realizing that those fuckers were the ones that took you, and driving off to those fields while they still had you. About you dying in the car crash that I caused.”
Buck shook his head, “They forced us off the road. You didn’t cause anything Eddie.”
Eddie grimaced, then tapped the side of his head, “Logically, I know that, but I was still the one driving, and you got hurt because of it.”
“So did you!” Buck pointed out. “And then you escaped police custody and walked around with severe injuries trying to find me! You saved me, Eddie. You’ve more than made it up to me, even though there was nothing for you to make up! You didn’t want all of this to happen, we just wanted to get home and then you had to risk hurting yourself even more because of me.”
“Buck. I would do that over and over again if it meant that you’re here, here with me,” Eddie proclaimed, and Buck's heart stuttered. He never believed that someone would be so willing to come back for him—to not leave him behind.
Buck sat with that for a moment before he continued. “I just didn’t want to put anything else on your plate. Not after all of that,” Buck revealed.
Eddie sighed deeply, and then he straightened up. “Buck, I’m just going to say it.” He sucked in a deep breath and breathed it out. “I-I love you, I’m in love with you. Your problems are my problems, got that? Even if you think they’re stupid or silly. If I can help, I wanna help.”
“In love with me?” Buck whispered, and Eddie bobbed his head in answer. He seemed nervous, apprehensive, as if he were preparing for a rejection.
“In love with you,” Eddie confirmed, and Buck ducked his head down with a smile growing on his face. “You don’t have to say it back—“
“—I love you too,” Buck interrupted, shooting his head up, giving him as big of a smile as he could manage right now.
Eddie leaned forward and closed his eyes as he pressed their foreheads together and let out a breath. “Next time you tell me when something’s wrong, and not just as a last resort, okay?”
Buck nodded against Eddie’s forehead, unwilling to break the connection. He could feel the tension in Eddie’s body dissipate as they sat there together. After a moment, Buck spoke up. “Um, I think I know what will help with my nightmares,” Buck admitted.
Eddie opened his eyes and pulled back slightly. “What?”
“You,” Buck said softly.
“Then it’s me you get, sweetheart,” Eddie said with conviction. “You wanna try and get some sleep?”
Buck shuddered, but nodded nevertheless. Eddie seemed to pick up on his discomfort. “Hey,” Eddie ducks his head to catch Buck’s gaze. “It’s going to be okay. I’m right here–you don’t have to handle this alone anymore,” he promised.
“Thanks,” Buck whispered.
“And you wake me up if I don’t wake up when it happens, deal?” Eddie coaxed.
“Deal,” Buck swore. Eddie pulled back the sheets then and together, they climbed under the sheets. When they settled Eddie was there in a second, attaching himself to Buck’s back. “This okay?” Buck sighed contentedly, snuggling back into him in answer.
Buck wished he could say the nightmares went away after that, but they didn't. Thanks to Eddie, though, he didn't have to face it alone.