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"Hello, Superman."
At the sound of that voice, Clark stiffened. Usually, the people who used that tone with him were eccentric billionaires and fascist heads of state, all with good reason to hate him.
A reciprocated hatred, by the way, but those were details.
However, speaking to him like a modern-day spy movie villain wasn't a grown man with narcissistic tendencies, but a nine-year-old boy dressed in a brightly colored suit and a domino mask, balancing on the arm of the armchair in his apartment with extreme ease. He must have struck a pose as soon as he heard the door open: the TV was on, playing an episode of The Simpsons.
Clark calmed down. He knew that kid.
"Dick," he said, recognizing his boyfriend's son, putting his bag down on the floor, "How did you get here? Does Bruce know you're here?"
"I have my ways," the kid said calmly, then puffed out his chest proudly. "And for you, it's Robin. I'm here for something serious."
"You know you're too young to be conducting an investigation alone, right?" he asked, worried, because it wasn't the first time Dick had gone off on his own and run away from Bruce to follow a lead. One might wonder how it was possible, given all of Bruce's self-confidence and paranoia, but Dick always found a way.
He had no doubt it wouldn't be the last time.
"I'm not! I can stay up until 10:00 PM beating up bad guys, and when there's no school, until 11:30!"
He whistled, "Impressive."
"I know," the boy gloated, but then, remembering he was acting tough, he jumped off the couch and boldly approached Clark, his full height (actually, not much) and blurted out, "I'm here for you. Is it true?"
"What's supposed to be true, Robin?"
"The harem, Superman. Does it really exist?" he asked, glaring at him, and Clark didn't miss how the boy's hands were far too often going to his belt, ready to pull out whatever he needed in case he didn't like the answer.
He groaned internally. He hoped no one would bring up the harem thing again, especially now that he'd proven he hadn't come to the planet to conquer it and enslave everyone, much less Bruce or Dick.
(He was too afraid they'd both be disgusted with him for discovering the truth about his arrival on Earth, and cowardly, he'd been glad Bruce hadn't called.)
"Look, Dick..."
"Robin," the boy corrected him again, "I don't know how things work for Kryptonians, I don't judge. At the circus, there was the bearded lady, Jamie, who shared the van with both Mike and Robert, and I know there are different kinds of love, Bruce tried to explain it to me. I don't judge you if you like more than one person or not..."
Clark was almost moved, then Dick dropped the bombshell, "But if there's a harem and Bruce doesn't know about it, I'll cut your balls off personally."
He blushed, "Dick! Language!"
"Robin," the kid said without batting an eyelid, "Why are you so upset? I heard so much worse in the middle of the street! Last week, at the pier..."
"You're nine, you shouldn't say things like that! Just because adults do it..."
"Yeah, Bruce already lectured me," Dick said boredly, then quickly returned to the point he was interested in, "So, does this harem exist or not?"
"Golly, no! There isn't a harem!"
"Are you absolutely sure, Superman? You and Lois Lane are very close, and also with that guy, Michael Holt..."
He had to resist the urge to run a hand over his face. " We're just friends! I've never had relationships with more than one person, nor do I intend to! I love your dad!"
Perhaps he'd said the wrong thing, since Dick didn't like anyone calling Bruce his father, but the kid just stared at him for a long time, observing him, making him break out in a cold sweat.
When he did that, he really reminded Clark too much of Bruce.
Finally, Robin chirped, "Okay, I believe you!"
"Do you believe me?"
"Of course. Bruce always says you're a terrible liar, and it's a surprise no one's discovered your true identity!"
Okay, first of all, it was a little insulting; Clark could have been a great liar if he'd wanted to. He saw no point in using too many lies when he couldn't be completely truthful, and he thought white lies were much better. Not everyone concocted cover-ups so complex they required a stage play!
Dick continued, "You know, it's a good thing you're not a liar. Otherwise, I would have tortured you until you confessed the truth."
"That should worry me…”
"I'm not torturing you right now," Dick brushed him off easily. "Someone has to care about Bruce. He's a loser, you know that. If Robin doesn't have his back, who else will?"
It was very sweet, in a very Gotham-esque way, actually, and maybe he should push Bruce harder about the child therapy thing, but it was nice to see the lengths Dick was willing to go to protect his father.
“If I ever do something to hurt Bruce, you have permission to…”
“Cut off your balls?”
What was with his balls?! He swallowed, “If you want…”
“Hey, if you're going to threaten someone, you have to do it right!” Dick exclaimed.
“Did Bruce teach you that?”
“No, Selina. She also said that men are trash and only want one thing, but she wouldn't tell me what!”
“Ah…”
“Anyway,” Dick continued, “Would you take me back to Gotham? Selina went to check out Luthor's house to see if there was anything interesting to steal, and she'll have plenty for a while.”
Now he understood why Bruce was complaining that his hair would go gray before he was forty.
He said, “Okay, let me tell Bruce you're with me first…”
“Oh, I doubt he noticed.”
“Your disappearance? Believe me, he definitely noticed.”
“Nuh nuh,” Dick shook his head, “I increased his painkillers, and now he's finally sleeping. Alfred helped me, obviously.”
“Painkillers?”
“Bane almost broke his spine.”
“What?!”
“Keep calm, Superman. I said almost,” Dick replied calmly, “But I got there in time and blinded him! He still hasn't regained his sight, and maybe he never will. Isn't that good news?”
“Yeah, I'm still stuck with the fact that someone almost paralyzed Bruce for life…”
Dick reassured him, “Don't worry, he'll be good as new in a few months. He really needed the sleep.”
“But if not Bruce, then Alfred will be very worried!” Clark exclaimed, hoping at least someone in that family would be wise.
Dick grinned like a shark, "Who do you think gave me the kryptonite?"
Holy Rao.