Wtf Crack -- Faylen's fics
Fics which are either on crack or make me feel like I'm on crack. But not in a bad way? Like I don't mind reading them for the laughs
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There is no name for this coffee shop. In a fit of caffeine-induced anxiety and rage, Tony has decided, “Fuck this, it’s just going to be called ‘The Coffee Shop.’ What the fuck else do you need to know?”
Tony decides that SI can survive without him, but a late-night coffee shop needs to be opened. Tony also does not shut up about being a small business owner.
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
08 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/48704161
The Coffee Shop by lovelyirony-
“You’re supposed to take over a company.”“And?” Tony says. “I was also supposed to keep my parents but they died in a car accident.”
“Okay, bad move to use your dead parents against me, you know that.”
“I think, actually, that I just made a great move,” Tony answers. “Because now you can’t feel bad about my choice.”
“Well, I can feel bad about your decision, you’re majoring in business,” Rhodey says. “You’ve taken all of those classes when you were four.”
“Yeah, which means I can get the major done in a semester if the dean signs off on it and my parents can’t say no because they’re…you know.”
“Tony.”
“Come on, I’m not going to die.”
--
Pepper visits the shop before it opens.“Tony, what the hell.” There are no matching mugs. Or plates. Nothing is matching. The machine looks like a goddamn Dr. Frankenstein project. “What have you been doing?”
“Being a small, independent business owner?” Tony answers, bending over the sink. “Whoever put these pipes in was a total loser, by the way. How was work today?”
“Fucking awful,” Pepper says. “But also great. My PA is quitting in two weeks to go get married.”
“Ugh, just hire Rhodey.”
“You think he’d quit being in the military?”
“I mean we’ve been lectured that you never stop being army or whatever the hell he phrased it as,” Tony says. “But maybe if you bribed some government official, you might get an honorable discharge for him.”
“Done.”
And she does. That’s the odd thing. Pepper actually does get it done--well, she convinces Rhodey to be her PA.
“I am sick of top secret missions and the brass being on my ass all the time,” Rhodey says. “Now I get to pick up coffee and lunch and work for the real equivalent of Miranda Priestly.”
“Miranda Priestly was a bitch,” Tony says.
“And?” Rhodey says. “You don’t become a top CEO and well-known name in an industry without being a bitch. Just look at your dad. Massive bitch. At least Pepper respects and is nice to me.”
--
“Tony.”“Janet Van Dyne-Pym.”
“Okay, I did not last-name you,” she says, perching her sunglasses on top of her head. “I thought you said once the shop was steady you’d ask him out!”
“I definitely did say that,” Tony says, wringing his hands. “But I also told myself I’d ask him out after we roomed together freshman year. And after he dated Carol. And then when he became Pepper’s PA. I have said I’d ask him out on dates a lot, Janet.
And almost none of it has ended up happening. Also, I have no clue if he likes people romantically other than women!” Tony says. “I think he still has a thing for Carol. Who wouldn’t have a thing for Carol? Maybe I should set them up. I’ll ask Carol, she’ll definitely say yes. It’s Rhodey. They didn’t even end things that badly, she just signed up for NASA, so maybe--oh shit, maybe not--”
“Tony,” Jan says, putting a hand over his. “Calm down. Also, Carol’s bi. Which Rhodey could also be, if you asked him. And she’s married. I think her wife has a kid.”
“Wait, we didn’t go?”
“Well, like you said, she signed up for NASA when they broke up.”
“Shit. I could’ve given them a great wedding gift.”
--
So he asks her over a video chat as he’s closing the shop. Pepper looks at him flatly. “Tony. I run the company named after you. Of course I know.”“Okay, well the company wasn’t named after me, my dad didn’t even like me enough to remember my birthday.”
“God, I’m so glad he’s dead. Have you been going to therapy for that?”
“It is tough being a small business owner," he deflects. "Trying to get decaf beans has been worse than whatever trauma I have."
“You can’t keep using that as an excuse, Tones,” Pepper says, exasperated. She looks at him fondly through the camera lens.
“Watch me,” he says, sticking his tongue out. She doesn’t catch it as she yawns, turning her head.
--
“You’re the best,” Tony says with a grin. “Come on, Bruce’ll have your drink ready in a bit. Did you know he has a PhD in physics and in some kind of math? Oh, he also studied gamma radiation for a bit for the government and it didn’t go well. Technically, I think he has a warrant out for his arrest, but I’m a small business owner so I take what employees I can get.”“Wait, Dr. Banner?” Rhodey asks, eyes bugging out of his skull. “The Dr. Banner who has seven PhD’s?! And General Ross hates?”
“I don’t know who the hell Ross is, but yeah. I think he has seven. I told him to go for eight, but he says I don’t pay him enough for that. As if I can afford more, I am a small business owner.”
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Because there Tony is, gasping for air while glass glitters all around him, looking near about like an angel that was torn from heaven with how it surrounded him.
They had thought he was dead.
At least, up until the point when he had looked Winter Soldier dead in the eye, said “hey you fucking asshole” and got a pretty damn good shot in the thigh.
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
08 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/27113488
Improv Is a Life Skill by lovelyirony-
“Always best to diversify your skills.”“Expand.”
(Tony’s been messing with them a lot. They’re not positive he knows advanced vocabulary. He does, he just hates them.)
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This Might as Well Happen by lovelyirony
Fandoms: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
22 Feb 2020
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Tony finds out that Hydra has been back, SHIELD isn't pristine, and Rhodey and Pepper are willing to help him try to take down it all. With two friends, what could go wrong? Well...you'd be surprised.
Series
- Part 1 of Take It Down
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
08 May 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/22850476
This Might as Well Happen by lovelyirony -
Master of the North Pole Sanctum by Trickstress
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Doctor Strange (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
01 Jan 2024
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‘It started as a normal December morning in the Sanctum Sanctorum. Stephen woke up slowly for the first time in months as he took in the calm atmosphere with a healthy sense of caution.
It was quiet.
Too quiet.’
Similar to Earth’s magnetic poles, occasionally Earth’s magic ley lines will swap when there is great need. This means that the Sanctums will move with them. When Stephen finds himself one December morning suddenly located with the Sanctum Santorum in the North Pole, he’s going to find himself some lost history of the sorcerers and a new position as Santa.
Crack premise treated seriously. Updating regularly until Christmas.
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
04 Apr 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/42823719
Master of the North Pole Sanctum by Trickstress-
“All of the sanctums moved and we’re still figuring out why.” Wong replied dryly, “The most likely reason we haven’t heard from your boyfriend yet is because there’s likely no cell service.”The Sorcerer Supreme ignored the other man’s sputtering over the line in favor of the note that appeared in front of him. Hmm, it seemed he was correct then.
“Listen Stark, it looks like Stephen and the Sanctum Sanctorum have been moved to the North Pole. We can’t use portals right now so go be the eccentric billionaire we know you are to stage an expedition to rescue him. We’re likely to not have things back up at full steam for a week at least. Good luck, call me when you have news.”
--
Tony stared at his phone in awe and annoyance. Yes, he could easily go rescue Stephen but the man wasn’t his boyfriend.Even if he might have secretly wished him to be…
Nope. Not doing it, not going down that road.
“Change of plans,” He announced to his children, “I’m dropping you off at Rhodey’s then I have to go rescue Dorothy because his house flew away.”
There was an immediate uproar at the news, predictably.
“Where did Stephen go?” Morgan asked, clinging to his legs.
“North Pole. Next question.”
“The North Pole?! Why can’t we go?!” Peter asked incredulously.
“There might be bad guys and I am not risking my kids in the arctic circle.”
“Clearly Wong would have said something if he was in trouble.” Peter replied, frowning at Tony. “Why can’t he portal back?”
“Magic is down on maintenance apparently. Now I need to start moving if I’m going to get our wizard back before he becomes a popsicle.”
“But daddy, I want to see Santa.” Morgan said softly and he cursed whatever higher power there was that his daughter had inherited his puppy dog eyes. It has worked wonders when he had grown up. Tony just didn’t expect to have them weaponized against him.
He glanced over at Peter who was doing puppy dog eyes of his own. They weren’t quite as effective as the teen was trying not to laugh.
Tony let out a massive groan as he realized he wouldn’t be able to get out of this without avoiding tears.
--
“You are not Santa Claus, of course.” The main woman leading him replied, gently pulling him by his wrist, “But you are The Santa.”“What does that even mean?” He couldn't help but whine. Honestly, Stephen had no idea where he was being led to but the guiding hand kept him from wandering off. Everything here was just so interesting that he wanted to explore.
“You are the Master of the Sanctum Sanctorum, yes?” She asked, looking back over her shoulder. Her hazel eyes seemed amused at his confusion.
“Yes, I am.” Stephen replied and she laughed.
“Then you are Santa. Santa Sanctorum. Master of the North Pole Sanctum.”
--
It is how Tony first saw Stephen after his disappearance. Dressed in red robes with a fur-lined cloak with nearly the whole city following behind him in curiosity.The two men stared at each other for a moment.
“You got Santa Clause’d!” Tony exclaimed.
With a groan, Stephen pinched the bridge of his nose. He should have expected this.
--
“How the hell am I supposed to help heal the soul?” Stephen growled and both Tony and Wong raised an eyebrow.“Think of who exactly is outside right now and how that could possibly be an answer to that question.” Tony replied, deadpan and Stephen blanched.
“No. I am not going to become fucking Santa Claus.” He retorted and Wong hummed in response.
“So you do not wish to help people have hope after a cataclysmic disaster where they are scared every day that it might happen again?” Wong asked and Tony was impressed at the low blow.
“So riddle me this, Wong? How exactly am I supposed to pull this off? We can’t portal anywhere.” Stephen growled and Tony raised a hand.
“With the random junk from my workshop here along with the jetski, I bet I could build a prototype ‘sleigh’ that could get us around fast enough.” He volunteered and Wong nodded.
--
“…they could be sorted in a pocket dimension spell for transport.” Wong offered up and Stephen groaned in annoyance.“Fine. I guess we’re doing this.”
They could totally manage to pull this off in five days. Just had to make a little literal Christmas magic. No problem.
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One Hell of a Ride by silver_drip for Xythia, IzHunny, gold_pen_leaps
Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
27 Apr 2018
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A comedy about Tony, Loki, and Hela dealing with Asgard and all the problems that come along with ruling it.
- Language:
- English
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- 65,850
- Chapters:
- 28/?
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- 1,510
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- 1,787
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- 465
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- 42,606
Bookmarked by FaylenLupus
21 Mar 2026
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https://archiveofourown.org/works/13352268
One Hell of a Ride by silver_dripThis gives me crack vibes, but I dunno if it really counts as crack lmao
K I'm adding it, if needed I'll remove but this is too cracky rn to not add itSlightly uncomfortable with the uh yeah
Fairly uncomfortable with it and I think it should have been tagged with spanking. I usually avoid fics with that tag, but here I literally couldn't as it wasn't tagged..Mhm getting that ick now which sucks as I liked where this was going.
Snort
Tony as the God of Wealth and Sex lmaoI too dislike the kidnapping and slavery of the Cloak. Loki later talking sweet nothing and bribing it doesn't make it better. Stockholm Syndrome ring a bell?.
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I had a feeling she was preggo
Anddd seeing the comments, fair Loki is too
Half siblings share the same father and are technically from siblings altho they're not blood related
Lmao-
Soul stone picks/posses Tony