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the urproblmaticfav-arsonk incoherent hh jokes and drabbles and various wips collection by urproblematicfav
Fandoms: Hazbin Hotel (Cartoon)
14 May 2026
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Summary
"You are disgusting-!" Alastor cries hysterically, waving his hands around and trying to get away. He almost falls backward off the bar stool. "You are absolutely disgusting. Get the fuck away from me, good lord."
"Oh I see how it is!" Charlie throws her arms up. "I get it! So when you wanna gore me with your antlers and drink my blood and all that kinky shit, it's sooo hot and sexy!"
Alastor cries harder, trapped somewhere between absolutely horrified and laughing so hard he dislocates a rib. "Uhhh- please, stop it-"
"But when I say that I want to pair the aged cheese from your unwashed dick, with some nice wine, and have myself a little self-care snack, suddenly-!" Charlie stomps away in outrage. "Suddenly-! I'm the unreasonable pervert. Okay. Sure. I get it. We're kinkshaming now, sure, cool."
Angel squints over the lobby couch like he's a soldier trying to avoid enemy eyeline. "What tha' fuck is goin' on ova' there?!"
~
Random scenes that are almost exclusively stupid dick jokes that may or may not one day grow...into a whole fic. Gasp.
Lot of dark comedy with dead dove elementsFt ideas like: Biohazard fetishes and Alastor cutting his pussy lip while shaving
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Summary
Alastor pours himself more whiskey in the hopes that it makes him sleepy, and continues to read for a few more minutes. He sighs and glances up at the door, where Vox was peaking through like a creep, his flashing box head ruining whatever stealth he thought he had. His fingers are shaky on the doorknob, as if he couldn't actually decide to open the door or not.
"Darling, if you're going to come into my room, I'd rather you just do it, instead of standing there like a scolded child."
"Can I sleep with you?" Vox blurts out, all sad and pathetic. "I really don't want to be alone, right now. And you...make me feel better when I'm around you, so- um..."
Alastor had to give it to him, this was a first. People have tried a lot of different methods to convince The Radio Demon into some kind of...relationship with them. Drugs, alcohol, coercion, crowding him in a public space, or just straight-up physical violence.
But no one has tried crying uncontrollably while claiming to have had a nightmare in order to convince him into having intercourse. Kudos, maybe Vox can come up with original ideas.
~
Or: Alastor takes Vox on a break in his cottage in the woods and poor bby needs some comfortSeries
- Part 1 of Just As Sweet As Arsenic
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Summary
"I'm not sure how ya accidentally do some shit like this?"
"I was just trying to do some magic to make him feel better! My dad does shapeshifty shenanigans, and I wanted to, too!"
"...is...is your dad also into shota- Ow!?"
"Shut up." Husk elbows Angel in the rib. "Is anyone going to actually check on him?"
"Oh god-!" Charlie squeaks in horror. "Oh, no, oh fuck. You're okay? Right, Al?"
Alastor blinks up at her with terrified eyes, and flinches back from her hand. He's stiff, and has been for the last thirty minutes that everyone has been gathering around him. His red hair looked longer on him now, and none of his clothes fit. He was just stuck on the floor in a loose pile of clothes and an oversized jacket clenched in his clawed fingers.
It was still clearly him. Just...tiny.
"Oh no, I'm sorry! I'm not trying to scare you..." Charlie rips her hand away. Satan, he was acting like she was about to beat him. "Are you okay, honey?
"Does he rememba anythin'? Like, clean slate or is it a Travel Size Radio Demon, kinda thing?"
Husk shrugs. "I mean, if it was still him in there, I'm pretty sure we'd all be bleeding from our eyes."
~
HazbinDDweek: Day 5, underageSeries
- Part 1 of Bbyallieau
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Summary
"Do you have somewhere to go?" Al asks casually.
He takes the glass and rubs his thumb anxiously over the edge in strange counts of four. "Uh, mnhuh, no? I'm- I'm uh, sorta just passing through. I meant to get a hotel or some shit, but I got kinda distracted...I just- I'm just on my own now, you know? No one back home wants me anymore, and I sure as fuck don't know anyone down south."
He hums sympathetically and pointedly ignores the way his cock, genuinely, honest to god, fucking twitches in his pants at the admission. It was such a stupid thing to say, "I'm alone. I have no family. No one knows I'm in this city. You're the only person who knows I exist."
He was practically asking for it at this point.
Xander opens his mouth to continue his little pathetic rambling, and Alastor grabs him by the collar and pulls him in. His tastes like alcohol and nice cigars. Maybe a little like some leftover fruit? Al licks his teeth, pressing his tongue firmly against the dumb idiot's tongue until he catches the hint and starts to kiss him back.
"Do you want to go home with me?"
"Fuck."
~
HazbinDDWeek
Day 2: NecroSeries
- Part 9 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
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"God, shut up, Al. No one wants to hear about your mom's tits." Husk smacks him on the ass this time, instead of the back of the head.
Alastor cries. "How cruel! How could you treat me like this, Husker?!"
"Oh my god! That monsta'! Bambi-doll, quick come ova' here!"
Husk throws his arms in the air. Al whimpers pitifully, and very dramatically crawls to safety with all the grace of a drunk, well...deer.
"He's so mean to me!"
"I know, baby..." Angel coos. He quickly scoops the doe up into his lap using his secondaries. Al sways drunkenly, but is caught with many hands before he goes plummeting to the floor. Said hands, immediately get wondery. "Want me ta' make it betta'?"
The line...somehow works? Alastor pouts and blinks his noticeably dry eyes at Husk, before turning back and nodding like a slut. Angel gropes his tiny waist, and gently tilts the doe's jaw with one hand and leans in to—
Aaaand...they're making out. Sloppily, and with a lot of tongue. It's kinda embarrassing actually, like they were a couple of unsupervised teenagers.
~
Or: Al and Angel are drunk and start fucking in the lobby while Husk is helpless to stop them...and also drunk -
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Summary
"Are you sure there's nothing else I can do?" She asks, with her big stupid brown eyes, and so much earnest innocence.
If she wasn't some virginal religious girl trapped under god and with absolutely no intent for something as devious as a quickie with a stranger, that would sound like the opening to an aggressively mediocre porno. He wants to beat the everloving fuck out of her, so bad.
"You worry yourself too much, I'm plenty comfortable and plenty taken care of. You talked your father into giving me bed and board! It's like I'm a vagrant on the run! And now I'm seeking sanctuary in a church to patch my wounds and be on my way. It'll be fun, like a game."
"And what does that make me?" She asks quietly, looking into his eyes a bit much for his liking, but intimate nonetheless. "Some innocent belle with no one to protect me from a runaway?"
Alastor's mouth falls open slightly.
Charlie's eyes immediately dart to his lips again. He rubs the back of her neck, cradling her head, tipping her back. "Oh, I don't about innocent-" He chuckles, and she fucking whines. "But I don't think you want protection, hmn?"
~temp hiatus
Or a demon on vacation corrupts the local preacher's daughter -
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Summary
"Hey, bitch!"
Alastor turns his head in the direction of the noise, staring flatly. "Pardon?"
The world's most gaudy, faggotity limo drives by. It awkwardly stutters by the puddle near the sidewalk, like he was considering splashing Alastor, and then changed his mind and was forced to shamefully back up a few feet and then get back on the road.
"Uh, I said hey bitch! Show some tail, you old-timey attic-y cunt!"
Vox leans out of the driver's side window, waving obscenely. He wasn't quite sure if the gesture was meant in a masturbatory sense, or if he was miming jerking off a cute deer tail. "Bet you'd let me face fuck you just to get a ride huh?! Can't even fucking drive, useless bitch. Send your stupid doe womb flying from how fast I can...uhh, fucking drive...? Yeah!"
Alastor skips over, and immediately, Vox's face falls. "Awh-! Don't be like that! I thought you wanted to catch a look? Ah, well, that's alright. Here, I'll help!" He gently taps the glass with the back of his knuckles, and the entire window shatters.
~
Or: Vox is bad at catcalling and Alastor fingerfucks him about it -
Show some skin, and would be, caché. by urproblematicfav
Fandoms: Hazbin Hotel (Cartoon)
10 Apr 2025
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Summary
"Uh-huh. What? You're wearing one of those fucking full body swimsuits from the 1800s?"
"I actually do have one of those!" Alastor claps excitably, clearly high. He grins, and takes another step forward until he's hovering ominously over Vox. "I actually decided to wear something else. Do you want to see?"
"I have a feeling that I don't have a choice here."
"You don't!" Alastor smiles warmly, and teasingly starts to open the ugly as fuck robe he'd been wearing all night.
"Ugh- fine. You fucking creep, show me whatever prudish bullshit you thinnnnkkk-" His voice trails off into static noise as he just...stares.
Alastor was wearing a micro bikini. Black, with thin straps over his hips, and an extra tiny window right above the dip of fabric where his cunt was, giving an extra bit of space for his thick pubic hair to show through. The bikini does fuck all to cover up his sensitive bits, he can practically see his labia on the right side, and his tiny cock of a clit was visibly straining against the tight fabric.
He's also, wet as fuck, and he hasn't actually gotten in the water once.
"What the fuck-?!
~
BottomAlastorWeek2025Day 5, Public/Squirting
Series
- Part 8 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
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Vox inhales, and steadies himself. "So, it's almost the end of September."
"That it is."
"And, I was thinking- Since...we're together now, that I could, you know...help out?" He tries very hard to be as vague and euphemistic as possible and not just outright say please lemmie fuck you, please-
"I actually um, had an idea for how to really help, and maybe end your Season early?"
"And how exactly do you plan on ending my biological nightmare of a clock?"
"Well, I mean, what your body wants to to be pregnant, right?" Vox says quickly. "So, if I can just...get you pregnant? See, fuck, okay, shit- "Fuck me, I had a plan and like, I prepared what I was gonna say and now I'm all- fucking stop that!"
Al giggles and takes his teasing foot away from Vox's quickly hardening crotch again. "Oh, I'm very sorry-" Liar. "Restless leg syndrome, you know?"
"Asshole. Okay, so," Vox holds his hands together and inhales again. "So, I'm a shark-"
"You are?!"
"Shut up! I'm a shark, and shark's sometimes have...you know, eggs and I was thinking, that maybe I could like...haavvve them in you?"
~
BottomAlastorWeek
Day 3, Heat/Worship+ fake novel banner
Series
- Part 7 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
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Summary
"Okay." Al unwraps himself from her and lays on his back. "So, you feel hurt because you feel...unloved, and you feel ugly because you want to be dressed up and ravished-"
"I didn't exactly say-"
"And you are bothered because all of your romantic ideas center around you, rather than us."
"Yeah, I guess."
Alastor exhales like he's decided something. "I don't..." He pauses, squinting up at the ceiling. "I am not a loving person. I don't do romance."
"I know," Charlie mumbles. "I'm not trying to make you do something you wouldn't want to do-"
"I-" Al sits up suddenly and grabs her face with bruising fingers. "Shut up. Listen."
Charlie blinks and nods slowly in his grip.
"I don't do romance." He repeats. "But I am a very good actor, and I do love a well-executed performance. I can't give you sincerity on that front, but I can give you intimacy."
Oh.
"Okay." She says, soft and absolutely lost in him.
"Good." He gives her a chaste kiss. "Do you want that?"
"What are you gonna do?"
Alastor grins.
~ (+ NEW BANNER)
Charlie's sad on first vday alone. Alastor offer to cheer her up, by hunting her for sport in his bayou.Series
- Part 1 of Show Lion au
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For would-be fate, do not resuscitate by urproblematicfav
Fandoms: Hazbin Hotel (Cartoon)
13 Dec 2024
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Summary
There's the sound of a zipper, and Vox's staticy voice breaking off behind him.
He immediately turns back. "What the fuck are you doing?" Alastor stage whispers.
Vox pumps his cock with slow, drunkenly languid fingers. "Mmn-horny-"
Alastor bristles, and his eyes dart to the doors and halls frantically. "We are in public! Stop that right now!"
"There's no one here!" Vox rolls his eyes, pulling at the head of his dick lewdly. "S'not like anyone is gonna see it. And this is-" He gestures vaguely at his head and arm. "-you're fault anyway. You got me all-"
"How is this my fault!? Just because you decided to get drunk with me doesn't mean I wanted you to start masturbating in public!" Alastor yelps back, trying very hard not to...stare.
"Nnn- god-ugh-" Vox groans dramatically. "You're so hottt- it's not fair that you got me so worked up and then just want me to sit here."
"And you-" Alastor hisses. "-have no discipline."
~
Alastor and Vox go out drinking, it ends poorly.
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Summary
It stopped speaking suddenly, slapping a hand over it's mouth and staring intensely at the page and back to Al, as static and distortion corrupted his words.
Al grinned slowly, very fucking giddy.
A fucking actual demon from hell couldn't even say his name. Still, he got the Alastor part, but it was a work in progress and this was still a great sign for his future.
It flips the page back, where Alastor's name is in perfectly clear view, but incapable of being spoken. "This still has your name on it."
"Ah, well, I'm still not-"
"An' along with ya name, we got some other shit too-" It interrupts. "It's not a science yet. But, there's still general info. Great news if ya didn't already know it-!" It says brightly, pointing at the page. "You're a bottom! Congrats!"
In tiny pink ink, the page says "takes it up the ass."
"Ah? Is that so- Well! I'll add that to my fun facts list along with being a Gemini with a Scorpio moon. Now if you would please- fuck!?"
It only takes four horrifying steps to get over all the gore on the ground and be face-to-face with Al,
~
or a really stupid serial killer accidentally summons a sex demon and gets fucked so hard he almost diesSeries
- Part 6 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
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"Seriously Al, this is your fuckup and if you want us to be an us, then you gotta get along with Val."
"I don't see why we have to do this..." Alastor mumbles. He didn't want an "open relationship", or for Vox to continue seeing other people in a serious matter. Since they figured out their little misunderstanding, everything should just go back to the way it was, and they could be fine again. "Can't we just," Alastor pauses, looking away for a moment, more genuine shyness than the fake bambi shit he put on for attention. "Can't we go home and...have sex? That's what you wanted from me, yes? I'm willing to just do it now, with no fuss. I was being cruel before, but I've seen the error of my wa-"
"Alastor." Vox interrupts. "For the last time, it wasn't the lack of sex that was the problem. It was the emotional abuse and torture."
"Ah." Alastor stares at the ground awkwardly. "Well, some people would say not having intercourse regularly is in fact emotional abuse and torture."
"I'm going to show you personally what torture looks like if you don't shut the fuck up and go on this date with Val."
"...Promise?"
~
Valastorweek
Day 1, Fake DateSeries
- Part 5 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
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"Al," Angel says slowly. "Did'ya roofie yourself, an' then walk in here fully thinkin' we were gon'a fuck?"
Alastor blinks. "Y-yes...?"
"Well, we're not."
"...We're not?"
"No!" Angel throws his arms in the air. "Ya don't take fuckin' hard drugs an' walk in askin' to be motherfuckin' raped, wit' no plannin' or discussion beforehand!"
"Ah." Alastor says flatly, still smiling patiently but his eyes were darting again.
"Okay, wait-"
"No, it's quite alright-!"
Angel hisses, stepping forward in front of the deer, grabbing his shoulders and pushing his ass back onto the bed. "I'm not sayin'...no. I'm sayin' we gotta talk first."
"Seriously talk. Limits, safe words, all tha' shit ya want outta this, an' all the shit ya don't want."
"Limits..." Alastor repeats slowly, like the idea might be confusing him. "Hit me."
"Al, I jus' said we gotta talk first-"
"You asked what my limits are, but I would like to see how far you can even go first." He blinks cutely, tilting his head, flicking his ear. "So, hit me!"
~
TopAngelWeek2024
Day 2, BDSM
(direct sequel to my BottomAlastorWeek2024 fic: The Real Smite Of The Feminine Afterlife)Series
- Part 3 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
- Part 2 of Feminine Afterlife
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"You-" Vox points, before twisting around and walking over to his console. "-are a whore. And I don't mean that in the sense that you fuck for money. I mean," He snaps his fingers. "That you are a fucking whore because you are a greedy, worthless bitch who thinks he can take whatever he wants."
The room goes dark.
Angel decides to notice how pretty all the sharks in the tanks below them are. He didn't get to go to many aquariums as a kid-
The room goes red.
On every comically large screen in Vox's chambers, played a shitty grainy video, with the world's worst shot composition in the world.
"Uh." Angel doesn't take a step back, or try to run. It won't help. Sharks go after fresh blood, not dead things at the bottom of the ocean. Playing dead was his favorite sex position, anyway.
"You," Vox says brightly, over the wet sounds of Angel fucking Alastor being played on surround sound. "Are a thief."
~
That's the path that you chose, a true hedonist indeed.
~
TopAngelWeek2024
Day 4, Roleplay
(Interlude between The Real Smite Of The Feminine Afterlife and Greet Your Beasts, Enchanté)Series
- Part 4 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
- Part 3 of Feminine Afterlife
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It had been a few months of violent sickness, extremely vivid nightmares, and an agony burning across his chest. All while doing his best to avoid Vox. The little sharky cunt hasn't done anything...yet.
No threatening letters, or smug appearances at the Hotel. Just nothing, fucking radio silence, hah!
And all that anxiety waiting around for Vox to finally do something was killing him more so than the Angelic wound.
Alastor sucks in air, his lungs hurt. He couldn't sleep, and the psychosomatic urge to actually breathe through the night was pure agony when you could barely hold a single gasp in.
"Whoa, is that The Radio Demon getting naked behind my place of business?"
Alastor's blood runs cold and his already palpitating heart somehow starts beating faster. He jerks forward, immediately ripping the already torn open skin even more as he tries to stand to either run, or at least not have his back to a predator.
"I am not-!" Alastor stuttters, "-not getting naked anywhere!"
"Hmn, really? Sure seems like you're getting your tits out. You know they pay for it inside, yes? You don't gotta flaunt it outside for free."
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"Of course, I support what you're doing!"
Charlie blinks. "You...do?"
"Sure!" Val says noncommittally. "How do I put this delicately..." He holds his hands to his face, squinting up. "Angel is a massive cunt? And as much as I would love him to live closer so he can more easily be..."on call" for work, I will coincide that all your therapy bullshit has made him a lot..."easier" to control at work."
"If he's getting better at work, then that means I'm doing something right! Maybe it's not a big change and super noticeable growth, but we're getting there and-"
Charlie's excitable rant ends suddenly, as Val shoves her chest, making her land on her ass onto the bed. "Huh-"
"Exactly!" Val interrupts. "Allll that...hard work. I'm impressed, really. So, like I said, I wanted to thank you."
"Thank me?" Charlie repeats, warily.
~
Or a fic about Val tongue fucking Charlie for no real reason other then I wanted to lmao. I stand by my opinion that if Val just got his fangs in her first, her dumbass would fall for anything he said to her. Also his dick game is banging as fuck, magical cock curing all the bitches -
Cannibal Town's Annual Charity Auction For The Underprivileged And Unfucked, 1997. broadcasted LIVE!!! at the Bitter End by urproblematicfav
Fandoms: Hazbin Hotel (Cartoon)
22 Aug 2024
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Summary
Husk's ear flicks. "Hi, Rosie." He mumbles. Al was pretty clear about "good behavior." Picking fights with his wife...mom...thing, wasn't a good way to start the night.
Al and Rosie separate from the hug.
"I brought gifts!"
"Oh, but I only see the moonshine?Husk glares, whatever the fuck they've been doing since walking in feels like some kind of sick roleplay, bullshit theater performance, and he doesn't like it.
"Here's the other gift!" Alastor says brightly, holding his hands out and gesturing to Husk.
"What."
Rosie starts clapping, bouncing on her heels. "Oh! So you did think about my suggestion!"
"Suggestion...?"
"Oh?" Alastor says. "Oh nooo, did I forget to tell you why we came here?"
–
"Do I have to be fucking tied to a chair?" Husk hisses as Rosie wraps intricate ropes around his arms and legs. The chair was shitty, fashionable disheveled and broken and nothing like the rest of the Auction's design.
"Well dear, I can barely trust you at home. I can't imagine you'll play nice when everything starts to kick up."
~
or the fic about Alastor selling Husk's body for money laundering purposes -
The Real Smite Of The Feminine Afterlife by urproblematicfav
Fandoms: Hazbin Hotel (Cartoon)
01 Aug 2024
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Summary
"Is it because I'm a woman?"
Angel had mentioned multiple times that he "didn't do girls." or at the very least charged extra. There were many jokes at that poor little angry moth's expense, in which Angel gently handed her his rates and hours sheet when she started getting mad at his behavior around the Hotel. Perhaps that was the problem?
Angel goes from looking kinda bored to suddenly very panicked. "You're a what." He stares, very intensely, and shifts on his secondaries so he's half sitting up. "Since wh- you're a what?"
Alastor blinks, and looks down between his legs, wet spot growing on his underwear, and the slick currently dripping off his fingers. "If I'm not then I've surely missed quite a lot in the last century that I've been dead."
"Are you fuckin' telling me, that the entire year I've known you, that you were a fuckin' girl this whole time?"
"Yes? Was that not obvious when I took my clothes off, or when I started fingering myself instead of "jerking off" like you kept mentioning?" Oh dear, maybe he was wrong to go to Angel about this. Blind leading the blind, apparently.
"Why didn't ya say anythin'? Fuck!"
~
BottomAlastorWeek2024
Day 4, Dirty TalkSeries
- Part 1 of AK's various hazbin week prompts
- Part 1 of Feminine Afterlife
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Summary
Husk frowned slightly. "You really don't remember anything? You were talking through it for a bit there." He knew anterograde amnesia was going to be a symptom, and Husk expected that was probably the point of it all for Al.
Alastor blinks and stills. "I was?"
"I mean, yeah? You were also making a lot of noise,"
Scratchy static rings out for half a second before abruptly stopping. "Well. That's quite embarrassing, I'm glad I don't remember any of it!"
"You, uh, also sorta begged me to keep fucking you after you passed out?" He half expects to be snapped at for talking about it, but Alastor just tilts his head and stays on his elbows. "And did you?" Husk cringes and nods. "I mean, you told me to."
Alastor just stares for a long, uncomfortable moment and then goes back to holding Husk's hands.
"Are you mad?"
"Why would I be mad?"
Husk huffs and pulls his hand away, "Because, you passed out. I shouldn't have-"
"I gave you an order and," Alastor kisses Husk's cheek. "you followed through on it. What a good pet you are!"
~~~
Direct sequel to my previous fic. Get ready for the most poorly negotiated, actively unsafe bdsm you've ever seen, these bitches are stupid
Series
- Part 2 of Twilight, Triptych.