Chapter Text
Westie: Opalsong talk to me about Lan Wangji dick piercings, because I wholeheartedly agree
Does he have them before he and Wei Ying get together, and it's a sexy discovery?
Or does he go in for his ears pierced and fall for the hot piercing artist?
(The answer of course, is yes, either, both, all of the above)
Opalsong: Oh gosh
Those are all great options
I personally love a person that looks super buttoned down and then you take their clothes off and BAM
So my vote is actually a Lan Zhan who doesn't have any visible piercings. They are all hidden
And that he and Wei Ying are coworkers. Wei Ying thinks Lan Zhan hates him! Lan Zhan is so Proper!
And then....for some reason Wei Ying sees the outline of nipple piercings under Lan Zhan's shirt
He thinks they are pierced but he doesn't KNOW. And it can't be!! Lan Wangji!? Hanguang-jun!?!?! The most proper dude who doesn't even chat while they all eat lunch??? He CAN'T have pierced nipples. But Wei Ying can't stop thinking about it
Westie: Ohhhhhh yes, I'd like that.
And if he does have nipple piercings... what other piercings might he have?
theleakypen: Exactly
Westie: Wei Ying will die if he doesn't find out, and that's all there is to it, but Lan Zhan hates him — how is he supposed to ask???
SPOILERS: Lan Zhan does not remotely hate him.
Opalsong: YES
I stopped typing because I know Wei Ying PESTERS Lan Zhan about it. (And Lan Zhan does a lot of horny gripping in private about that pestering.) But Lan Zhan never responds. But I don't know what breaks, what gets Lan Zhan with his shirt (and/or pants) off.
please help. How does Wei Ying suddenly encounter shirtless Lan Zhan?
theleakypen: They're coworkers, right? Wei Ying goes to the bathroom where Lan Zhan is scrubbing his button-up that someone spilled coffee on (of course he carries stain treatment on him as a matter of course).
Lan Zhan is wearing an undershirt but it still shows A LOT compared to a button-up
Opalsong: Ooooooo I like this.
And like. Wei Ying CAN'T PEE WITH THAT BESIDE HIM. He can't take his eyes from the bumps of Lan Zhan's nipple piercings. And when he manages it is only bc there are MORE piercings subtly there beneath the shirt.
theleakypen: Yesss
Opalsong: Wei Ying says something. He doesn't even remember what. Something utterly inappropriate. Only. Instead of sneering or marching Wei Ying straight to HR, Lan Zhan stills his hands and raises an eyebrow.
He says, "Yes. Not here, however. I will pick you up at 6pm. Dress for dinner."
Wei Ying is left reeling.
He texts like...everyone he knows. Is this a date!?!?!?!?!
theleakypen: Omg Lan Zhan
Opalsong: (Everyone he knows is: Jiang Cheng, Jiang Yanli, Nie Huaisang, Mianmian, Wen Qing, Wen Ning)
theleakypen: What he said was definitely something about getting his mouth on those piercings :tongue emoji:
Opalsong: Or seeing them all. Counting them.
Or both
theleakypen: All of the above, yes
Opalsong: Maybe something garbled about counting them with his mouth
Jiang Yanli responds to his message with a very sweet "I'm so happy you're acting on your crush! Go get ’em, Xianxian!"
Huaisang & Jiang Cheng have been the recipient of Wei Ying's slow descent into hornee puddledom re: Lan Zhan's nipples. Nie Huaisang immediately tries to get Wei Ying to promise to document the experience. Jiang Cheng wants to pretend none of this is happening.
Wen Ning may or may not realize he is trolling Wei Ying when he mentions that no one knows he has full body tattoos so who knows what Lan Zhan has under his clothes. That Wei Ying should be open to anything
(He knows. He knows EXACTLY what that does to Wei Ying. No one would believe you if you accused him though)
theleakypen: Ok let's put a pin in Wen Ning with full body tattoos bc I'm gonna wanna revisit that please
Opalsong: Wen Qing responds with a perfectly grammatical and yet super short and dripping with JUDGEMENT message that she and Wen Ning will be visiting A-Yuan & Granny for the evening. Implying, of course, that the apartment is free for shenanigans. But also that she will judge you if anything is out of place tomorrow. Like, thanks for the vote of confidence about Wei Ying's chances of getting laid Wen Qing! But so judgy!
rhysiana: So supportive!
theleakypen: I love her
Opalsong: Mianmian just sends endless :rofl emoji: but does help Wei Ying pick an outfit
Nie Huaisang reminds him to shower/clean himself
Someone else should write the date. Bc Lan Zhan takes Wei Ying OUT
theleakypen: <Summons Westie from the other server> come see what you've inspired
Westie: OH WONDERFUL
I got distracted by going make lunch at, uh, 4 pm
Lan Zhan is a goddamned tease. Wei Ying did not know that about him, but apparently Lan Zhan's idea of date clothes are charcoal slacks that make his ass look fantastic, and a dark blue button up (he owns saturated colors???) in some kind of fabric that does not show him anything, except what might, possibly, be the hint of the edge of a blackwork tattoo right past where his collar is unbuttoned.
(What Wei Ying does not know is that the shirt is Lan Xichen's. Lan Zhan knows he is a goddamned tease, and he is doing it on purpose.)
theleakypen: Of course it is
Of course he is
Opalsong: Ooooo I wasn't picturing tattoos
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS TEASE Lan Zhan
theleakypen: There's a couple in the piercing art
Westie: Look, if I'm giving him piercings, we're going all out.
theleakypen: They go to some place with a freakin prix-fixe menu
Opalsong: Ohhhhh a tasting menu??? Very very very fancy???
Lots of courses
Tiny portions
Vegan
Westie: At some point, Wei Ying will jokingly complain that Lan Zhan's plate has an extra <whatever>, and Lan Zhan will calmly pick it up and hold it out to hand-feed it to him.
And Wei Ying will die, right there in the restaurant.
RIP Wei Wuxian
Opalsong: :rofl emoji: x4
Maybe there's a spicy course. Or several. Bc of course Lan Zhan knows Wei Ying likes spicy food.
And Lan Zhan is maybe not sweating but he maybe unbuttons his shirt a little?
(To be fair to Lan Zhan, almost everyone knows Wei Ying likes spicy food because he brings it every day and one day Mianmian stole a bit and nearly died)
Westie: :rotating light emoji: A SECOND BUTTON :rotating light emoji:
That is definitely a tattoo and Wei Ying would like to LICK it
There are NINE GODDAMNED COURSES and Lan Wangji is gonna make him sit through each and every one before he gets to see what he asked for
Opalsong: T E A S E
Westie: (He does not remember what he asked for, but he's pretty sure he can't have it in the restaurant)
Opalsong: Oh! Does Lan Zhan wear earrings that he normally doesn't wear to work? Showing off many more holes in his ears?
Westie: I am amenable to this. Or maybe, a single pair of lobe earrings? Something he can show off when he isn't at work, but still "conservative" unless you're one of the privileged few to see the whole package
(Wei Wuxian is d y i n g to see the whole package)
Opalsong: Maybe one high up on his cartilage, high enough to be hidden by his hair
Westie: DEAL
(Also not to skip all the good stuff, but after they get together, Lan Zhan totally takes Wei Ying to his piercing place to get his ears redone where the DIY safety pin holes he'd had back in college had closed up)
ANYWAY SO WE'RE AT DINNER
Wei Ying is dying
Lan Zhan is also dying but also enjoying this
Wei Ying is always teasing him, and he's having fun having the shoe on the other foot for a change
Opalsong: Lan Zhan is totally the type to enjoy edging himself
Wei Ying realizes this over the course of dinner
Westie: He is absolutely Noticing the way Wei Ying's eyes keep darting from his ears to his collar to his chest to his mouth
(He's never seriously considered a tongue piercing, too obvious, but he's certainly thinking about how fun it might be if he had one. Pity.)
Opalsong: Ffffffrfffffffffuck yes
^^Wei Ying's thought when Lan Zhan later mentions this to him
(Also my thought)
Westie: They haven't kissed at this point, but yes, Lan Zhan is definitely considering all the places he'd like to put his mouth while he watches Wei Ying get more and more flustered
Opalsong: Yesssss
I am sure the food is a bit sexy too
theleakypen: Morsels your mouth looks good closing around, yes
Westie: This restaurant knows what they're about
(Slammed out of left field by the idea that this is the fancy place Eliot Spencer is working at while they're undercover in Suzhou for Reasons, ANYWAY)
theleakypen: Genuinely love every word coming out of your keyboard
Westie: My thumbs are working overtime today lol
Somehow, they make it through this meal with their dignity and all their clothing intact
Opalsong: :rofl emoji: x3
Somehow
Westie: Save, perhaps, the stain where Wei Ying had dribbled wine out of the corner of his mouth and onto his collar when Lan Zhan tucked his hair behind his ear and he noticed the helix piercing.
Lan Zhan snipes the check and gives Wei Ying an absolutely fiery look and an, "I issued the invitation," when he makes a token protest about splitting the bill.
Which is cool, that's fine, that's cool, Wei Ying feels a normal way about that
They go outside to wait for their didi, and Wei Ying is all "my roommates are out?" and Lan Zhan is like "I live alone," so YUP that's that question answered, Lan Zhan's it is
theleakypen: Does Wei Ying try to feel Lan Zhan up in the car is the question
Westie: Thank you for this leading question; the answer is, of course, absolutely.
What happens though, is that Lan Zhan grabs his wrist (his hand goes all the way around his HAND goes ALL the way around!!!) and leans over to tell him, "Patience, Wei Ying," and Wei Ying absolutely does not whimper, that is for sure not the noise his mouth makes.
And Lan Zhan maybe sets his hand down on his (Wei Ying's) thigh and just... continues holding his wrist... right there... thumb and knuckles ON HIS THIGH
rhysiana: How many times can Wei Ying metaphorically die in one evening? Let's find out!
Westie: This is the real question at the heart of this, isn't it?
For the driver's sake, we will let wangxian actually make it all the way into Lan Zhan's building before anyone starts molesting anyone
They do, however, find themselves alone in the elevator, and well, Wei Ying maybe can't help it if he tries again and Lan Zhan maybe can't help it if he grabs BOTH of Wei Ying's wrists this time and pins him against the wall of the elevator and kisses the absolute daylights out of him
ding goes the elevator and also Wei Ying's heart and then Lan Zhan tugs him out and down the hall and through a door and pins him right back against the door and they're kicking off shoes and Wei Ying is getting kissed again and he's pretty sure there's something he's forgetting but hell if he can remember what, and then Lan Zhan bites his lip and stops???
He's standing there all sexy and very rudely just staring at Wei Ying and he just says, "You wished to count," and Wei Ying is fully bluescreened at this point, but thankfully reboots enough to go, "Three! Wow, yes, I sure did, three, two lobes and a helix, that's three," and Lan Zhan has the absolute gall to nod at him and say, "Very good," like he'd solved a riddle.
(I must, regretfully, go and find dinner now... feel free to move this counting exercise to the bedroom in my absence)
theleakypen: Wei Ying makes grabby hands at Lan Zhan's shirt because COUNTING YES LET'S DO MORE OF THAT but Lan Zhan is a little shit, as we've established, and steps back just out of reach. When Wei Ying makes a protesting noise, he's just like, "did you want to spend this entire rendezvous in the entryway?" and, well, that's a good point
Westie: Hanguang-jun is wise
Lan Zhan's apartment is nice, probably, maybe, Wei Ying is too busy watching his ass as he's led to the—bedroom, excellent
theleakypen: I think Lan Zhan doesn't trust Wei Ying's grabby hands on Lan Xichen's shirt, so he methodically unbuttons it himself and puts it in the hamper and only then allows Wei Ying to touch him again
Westie: Eminently reasonable of him
Nothing at all to do with torturing Wei Ying
Or the way his eyes get bigger and bigger with every button
theleakypen: I'm rapidly fading from consciousness so I am out of next steps, apart from Wei Ying absolutely does need to put his mouth on every single piercing and tattoo
Westie: Anyway, so when y'all get back, it's important to know that Lan Zhan also takes off his slacks and crawls over Wei Ying where he's splayed out on the bed, wearing only his boxerbriefs (no lines under those tight pants, natch) and Wei Ying is like that is just a whole lotta man there
And Lan Zhan just lets him look for a minute, because our boy is a little bit vain and he knows this about himself and maybe also because Wei Ying has teased him about being a fuddy duddy at work and he's enjoying the way he's trying not to swallow his tongue at the moment
He brings his hand up and strokes across Lan Zhan's collarbone, tracing the spray of gentians that grows up from his heart, and that's—oh, that's not what Lan Zhan expected him to touch first
He doesn't ask, not now, and Lan Zhan is glad, because explaining would be... a lot, tonight, he just says, "pretty," as he follows them down his pec and then tweaks his left nipple. "Four." Then the right. "And five. Or should these be one and two, since I noticed them first?"
"Mm, Wei Ying should count in the manner he proposed earlier."
Wei Wuxian, as we have established, does not actually know what nonsense had come out of his mouth earlier
Lucky for him (and us), Lan Zhan takes pity on him and leans down to kiss him again—his lips, his jaw, and over to his ear, and to remind him: "'Wanna find every piercing you have with my mouth,' you said."
That certainly sounds like the kind of thing he would've said, and Lan Zhan is clearly keen for him to follow through, so Wei Ying goes for the ear closest to him and sucks the lobe into his mouth and flicks the little silver stud with his tongue.
Lan Zhan shudders, and Wei Ying likes that a whole helluva lot, so he nibbles a bit and plays with the earring more before pulling off to whisper, "One."
When Lan Zhan pulls back, he looks a little wild around the eyes, and Wei Ying abruptly decides that his new game is to see if he can break Lan Zhan's patience before he runs out of piercings.
He gives the other ear the same treatment, running lips and teeth and tongue all over, counting two and three for his lobe and his helix. Lan Zhan's ears are bright red when finishes playing with them, which reminds him: "Lan Zhan, did you know you blush with your ears first when you're embarrassed? I noticed this about you awhile back."
"Not embarrassed," says Lan Zhan, who, in fairness, does not look at all embarrassed right now. "Or, not only when I'm embarrassed..." and then he just stares at Wei Ying with that molten, hungry look until Wei Ying feels his cheeks grow hot as the realization hits him.
"That's your horny tell?? Lan Zhan, are you saying I've been making you horny at work???"
[This is the part in the proceedings where if we were cowriting, theleakypen would remind me that if they keep bantering they're never gonna fuck and ve would be correct.]
Lan Zhan does not respond to this statement other than to give Wei Ying an extremely eloquent raised eyebrow (which would also look good pierced, Wei Ying's horny, traitorous brain suggests), so Wei Ying kinda laughs and goes, "No wonder you invited me to dinner instead of hauling me to HR..." and decides it's time to get back to counting.
Lan Zhan's nipples are fun.
They perk up fast when he gets his mouth on them, and the way the barbells click against his teeth is new and exciting for Wei Ying, and the way Lan Zhan's breathing gets faster and heavier the more he sucks and tugs on them is just delightful.
"Wei Ying," he eventually says, all tight between his teeth, and Wei Ying reluctantly surrenders them. They're all red and puffy and glistening with his spit. "I suppose that's four and five sufficiently counted," Wei Ying says.
[tag you're it!]
Opalsong: Just wanna say I am back and very :eyes emoji: but also it is very much past my bedtime so I can't stay :sob emoji: (and also that in my head Lan Zhan has both a prince albert AND a ladder and also maaaaaaby a piercing between is cock and his ass. Behind his balls. Bc he is a secretly horny mofo)
Westie: LOVE ALL THAT FOR HIM, I was gonna open the floor for suggestions for what's under his unders :awesome emoji:
Opalsong: Ohhhhh okay gimme a sec
Wei Ying moves down. Bc that is where the next glint of metal is. Lan Zhan's belly button
Lan Zhan doesn't seem like a belly button piercing type guy, Wei Ying muses, it seems too white girl trashy. And yet. Fuck is it somehow the sexiest thing
Westie: (Perhaps he flips Lan Zhan onto his back somewhere around this point? Hard to lick a belly button otherwise.)
Opalsong: Yes! Wei Ying pushes his shoulder and Lan Zhan tips easily.
Wei Ying licks and sucks and basically tongue fucks his bellybutton, tugging gently on the metal.
Westie: Excellent
Opalsong: Only then. Bc Lan Zhan is the WORST TEASE, Lan Zhan rolls over. Not on top of Wei Ying. NO. He shows him his back! And there are more piercings! They are gorgeous! But Wei Ying wants to see what’s in his pants!! He pouts
Because those back dimple piercings. Wow.
And the one at the base of his neck
That is normally covered by his hair
Westie: He dutifully counts down his spine, though, and tongue fucks the back dimples too. He's committed, of course.
Opalsong: And that Wei Ying misses and Lan Zhan makes him FIND before he allows him to take off his pants
Westie: He has to go all the way back up!!
So unfair
Opalsong: He is distressed!! Where is it!?
Where did he miss something so delightful!
Westie: Does Lan Zhan give a coy little look over his shoulder and toss his hair, as a hint?
Opalsong: And it is THERE! Above his collar line!! Where Wei Ying could have seen it ANY DAY OF THE WEEK
YES
Westie: "Shameless, Lan Zhan!"
Opalsong: Wei Ying might be having a crisis about what ELSE he could have missed
Westie: (I have no idea what number we would be on, but I don't think he has 33 in this AU :laughing emoji:)
Opalsong: (I am trying to think of things but can't. Really wild things about like, Mianmian and Huaisang....except not Hauisang because Wei Ying definitely knows Huaisang reads/writes porn at work)
Westie: "Next you're going to tell me Mianmian is secretly a dominatrix!!"
Opalsong: (I don't think so either. Though we could beef up the number in his ears that he never wears earrings in. And. Well. LADDER on his dick.)
Westie: (I'm fine with less lol... still plenty of fun to find!)
Opalsong: (Mianmian is not a secret dominatrix. She tried it once and it just wasn't her thing.)
Westie: (Mianmian is not a dominatrix, but Lan Zhan is not going to reveal anything he might know about their mutual acquaintances, because he is a respectful member of the local kink scene and there are Rules about that.)
So we're at, oh let's say 14, something like that
And now the next question is whether Lan Zhan rolls back over for Wei Ying to find the surface piercings on his hipbones next, or pulls his knees up under himself to let him find the guiche?
(Also if you need to go to bed, I should... also do that to be honest :joy emoji: )
Opalsong: I was thinking neither off the bat. He lets Wei Ying pull the boxerbriefs down over his ass but no further, still covering his front. And lets Wei Ying investigate his piercingless ass. The slimmest glint of metal between his legs
Westie: Oh yes, even better
Opalsong: But he doesn't spread them
More teasing for Wei Ying :rofl emoji:
Westie: I have not given much thought to a piercing-reveal striptease before today, thank you for this excellent suggestion :smile emoji:
Opalsong: Happy to be of service :rofl emoji:
Westie: Wei Ying being all "Lan Zhaaaaaaaan, lemme see lemme see!"
Trying to tug him over
But turns out, he doesn't turn so easy when he's not helping.
Opalsong: Wei Ying decides he can tease too. Cue a bit of rimming. It is a hole in Lan Zhan's body after all.
Westie: It is a hole! What an excellent observation!
Better spread those cheeks and make really really sure he hasn't missed one
Opalsong: Y U P
Which does, eventually, lead to the discovery of the one behind Lan Zhan's balls. Wei Ying can't see Lan Zhan's dick because of the underwear. But this he can see and he is SCANDALIZED
(Because Lan Zhan gets INTO being rimmed and spreads his legs for it)
Westie: He did not know that was a place you could pierce!
Wei Ying is definitely not thinking of Lan Zhan with his legs spread to be pierced, someone gently wiping this part of him off with an alcohol wipe, then pinching the skin so carefully, then sliding the needle through his skin here, wowowow
He takes his time counting this one
Opalsong: He isn't. Really.
Can he reach it?
Or does Lan Zhan make him wait
Westie: He's gonna try, I think
Opalsong: As he turns over and makes Wei Ying count his hips :rofl emoji:
Ahahahaha attempt the impossible Wei Ying!
Westie: Not a great angle though, and those boxers are still in the way, and he's huffy about it
Opalsong: Lan Zhan will never admit it but he is huffy about it too
Westie: Lan Zhan has been horny all day, at least half hard all evening, and he likes riding his arousal, but Wei Ying has been LICKING at him for A WHILE
He is also getting impatient
Opalsong: Y u p
Westie: Okay so Wei Ying has to admit defeat when he cannot, in fact, get the guiche piercing in his mouth and must beg Lan Zhan to roll back over and take off the underwear
Lan Zhan would not mind hearing him beg a lot more, in the future
Opalsong: He would! But maybe not right now for something they both want so much.
Westie: Exactly, you feel me
Opalsong: So he rolls over and somehow. SOMEHOW manages to strip off his boxerbriefs in a fluid sexy way even when that should be impossible
Westie: Wei Ying, it must be said, does only a cursory job of counting the ones on his hips
Opalsong: Wei Ying is in awe
Y U P
Westie: Because
There is just
So much metal
In this outrageously gorgeous dick
Opalsong: What the fuck, Lan Zhan, he whispers
W t f
Westie: "Does it get wifi??"
"I take back every time I ever called you a fuddy duddy, what the fuck"
Opalsong: How did you hide this? Why would you hide this? This is art! How could you deny the world (me) the chance to gaze upon this and weep at its beauty every hour of every day
Westie: Lan Zhan is full on smug
He's absolutely won
He knows exactly where the remaining piercings all are and he's going to enjoy every second of Wei Ying counting them.
Opalsong: Has he won though? Wei Ying's mouth is watering. He is going to enjoy this
He is going to SAVOUR this
Westie: Everyone's a winner here tbh
Opalsong: I mean. Yes.
Westie: What an excellent game
The only question he has left is which way to count. Tease the Prince Albert first and work his way down? Nuzzle into the base and climb the ladder up? Can't forget the one behind his balls good lord, this man!!!!
Opalsong: Sloppy blow jobs. That is the only way
Westie: Truly
A sloppy blowjob is the only way, he decides (and this works out, because the writers are becoming quite sleepy too) so he just... goes for it. It's messy. It's unsystematic. He chokes out a laugh when Lan Zhan's cock is pressing into the back of his throat and he realizes he's got seven in his mouth at once.
And then he's got a mouthful of something else, because this is porn, and they had a mature and responsible conversation about recent STI screenings and barrier usage offscreen at some point. Probably in the cab while Lan Zhan was hornygripping Wei Ying's wrist. On the whole, the didi driver might've preferred they just make out. Sorry, didi driver.
And Wei Ying meticulously licks Lan Zhan's cock clean, making sure to go over all the delightful nooks and crannies he's had added to this most lovely of appendages, and then oh-so-tenderly lifts his spent cock and balls to thoroughly, reverently, kiss the final piercing right there at the very base of him.
"Twenty four," he says, a little awed. "Lan Zhan, who would have guessed it?" Twenty four times, he's had someone adorn him with jewelry, and then however long the tattoos had taken—the gentians on his chest and collarbone, the sleeve of clouds and mountains on his right arm, the geometric pattern that twists down his spine around the glinting studs. Lan Wangji has made his body a work of art.
Lan Zhan hums, and draws him up to help him out of his clothes, and, oh wow, yeah, Wei Ying has been extremely hard and very turned on for a while now, huh?
He's flipped over again, under Lan Zhan the way they were before, only now they're both naked, and Wei Ying somehow feels even more naked next to the artwork that is Lan Zhan's body. Not a mark or a piercing on him, only some old scars. "Not as exciting as you, I'm afraid," he jokes.
The look Lan Zhan gives him then is scorching. "On the contrary," he says,"I was just thinking what a lovely canvas you make for me to mark up."
:smirk emoji:
~ and that's the story of how Lan Zhan's surprise nipple piercings got wangxian together ~
Opalsong: :tada emoji: x4 :confetti ball emoji: x3