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Inej used to think that Kaz wasn’t a giddy boy who made plans about the future with her. In fact, she used to remind herself he wasn’t.
Now, she isn’t sure.
Kaz has changed, that much she knows. The Kaz Brekker that has his fingers laced through hers, holding her hand, is not the same Kaz Brekker she approached in the Menagerie. This Kaz Brekker, the one holding her hand, is different. This Kaz Brekker has found her parents and has given her The Wraith, her very own ship.
Holding his hand feels like a warm promise. A promise of something that could be. A potential. A part of her worries, though, that Kaz is still not someone who makes future plans. The same part reminds her that Kaz works from an angle. Always.
Her worries are pushed to the side as she runs to meet her parents. The minute she’s in their embrace, a few tears spill out. She’s the one who’s giddy, laughing in hopes of getting the tears to stop. Her mom gently holds Inej’s face and wipes away the tears on her cheek. They tell her how shocked they were to hear the news that she was alive. They almost didn’t believe it, her parents tell her.
“But, here you are,” her father says with a wide smile. “You’re alive.”
Inej can’t help but glance at Kaz, who’s lingering a few paces behind her. Though he’s changed, he is still the boy who saved her. He’s the boy who got her out of the Menagerie, the boy who gave her her first knife, the boy who taught her to survive the grim horrors of the Barrel.
She looks at her parents and nods. “I am. I’m alive, and if it wasn’t for him, I’m not sure I would be.” His eyes meet hers, and she hopes he knows that she meant every word of that. “Mama, Papa, this is Kaz Brekker.”
“You’re the boy who found us and arranged this?” her mother asks. Kaz only nods in response. She smiles at him. “We owe you a debt of gratitude, Mr. Brekker.”
“We cannot thank you enough,” her dad chimes in. “We’re eternally grateful for this.”
For once, Inej finds Kaz acting like his age. He shifts awkwardly from leg to another, taking some weight off of his bad leg. He clears his throat and nods again.
“It’s the least I could do,” he says.
The least he could do? Inej doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She’s feeling overwhelmed as is, but this is the exact opposite of doing the least. He’s done more than enough. More than she would ever expect of him.
Kaz informs them that he’s arranged for her parents to stay at the Geldrenner. He glances at Inej before taking the lead. While they’re walking, she notices her cheeks are hurting from the permanent smile that’s been etched on her face. She’s over the moon, elated. It’s the first time in years she’s felt like this, and she wants to savor every second.
After they settle into their room, her parents insist Kaz joins them for dinner. Inej looks at him, and his eyes find hers. She wouldn’t mind if he stays, but she doesn’t want to push. He’s done so much already, making so many strides, and she doesn’t want to test his limits.
“I think it’s best if I leave you guys alone,” he says. She notices that his gloves are on. He must’ve slipped them on as they went to the hotel. “There’s some business I need to attend to.” Her parents don’t put up much of a fight, but they make him promise to have dinner with them before they leave Ketterdam. “I’m a man of my word, Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa. Inej can attest to that.”
He leaves after that. Inej’s parents start to wonder how a boy so young was able to afford them a room in one of Ketterdam’s finest hotels. Inej only chuckles before asking about the caravans. She misses the caravans, and she remembers how she would dream of them when she first got to Ketterdam. She wants to see them again, and she may be able to soon.
Once her parents get hungry, she takes them to get the best hutspot Ketterdam has to offer. Inej pays for the meal, and her parents get a little riled up. She smiles at their reaction. Despite the years that have passed, her parents haven’t changed, and she finds that comforting.
Before leaving for the night, Inej makes sure to hug her parents a little tighter and a little longer. She can feel their hesitation as she lets them go. It’s as if they’re afraid to lose her again. She promises them that she’ll come in the morning with the best waffles she could find.
Inej makes her way to the Slat. She makes the familiar climb up to Kaz’s window, and she finds it open. Of course, he knew I was coming.
He’s nowhere to be found as she perches on the windowsill. As she waits for him, she goes through the events of the day, trying to process everything. It had all happened so fast. She now has her very own ship. She’d be able to go out to sea soon and bring down slavers, making them beg for mercy she wouldn’t grant.
Then, there was Kaz's hand in hers. She can still feel the warmth of his hand against her palm. She can still feel the initial spark of when his knuckles brushed against hers. She isn’t sure where she stood with Kaz now, and it troubles her.
Her parents. There had been countless nights where she dreamed of the day she would see them again. Today, her dreams had become reality. Their embrace had been filled with nothing but love and relief. It had been better than anything she could’ve imagined.
It had been a cloudy and dreary day in Ketterdam, but Inej, it had been full of warmth.
Kaz comes in some time later, snapping her out of her thoughts. He lets out a small sigh as he closes the door. She watches him as he places a stack of papers on his old makeshift desk before heading over to the washbasin. He doesn’t need to look up to know she’s there.
“What business?” he asks as he takes off the jacket of his suit. He handles it delicately, placing it on his bed with care.
She doesn’t even know where to begin. It takes her a moment to find a good starting point. “Thank you,” she says. She keeps his eyes on him as he begins to tug off his gloves. Though she’s seen it before, the sight of his bare hands still feels like a private one. “I cannot say it enough. Thank you.”
He pauses. His eyes meet hers in the mirror. He searches her face for a brief moment, looking for something, but she isn’t sure what. He sets his gloves down before turning around to face her. His lips press into a thin line as he leans back on the washbasin.
“What I said on the docks earlier… I meant it. It’s the least I could do,” he says, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.
She pushes herself off the windowsill and takes a few steps towards him. She wants to be closer, but she doesn’t know if she should. She shakes her head. “You did something that was nearly impossible. You found my parents, Kaz.” It isn’t something you could put a price on. It’s an invaluable thing, and it’s something she would treasure forever. “On top of that, you gave a ship. You’ve done more than enough.”
His Adam’s apple bobs. His eyes go to the floor, tearing away from hers. “I want to give you more.” His voice is quiet and low. When he looks at her, something flickers across his face. It resembles hurt, pain. “You deserve more, and I want to give you everything you deserve.”
There’s a twinge, an ache in her chest. He looks vulnerable, a sight she isn’t quite used to. His jaw is set and he has a tight grip on the washbasin behind him. She decides to take a few more steps closer to him. He stands straighter, and she isn’t sure if it’s a means of defense or a way for him to appear stronger than he actually is in this moment.
“It’s going to take time,” she says, her voice soft and gentle.
He nods. “I want to try.” He takes the last few steps between, stopping less than an arm’s length away. It’s just enough space to be close without touching, and it’s just enough space to let her know that she can back away if she wants to. She doesn’t want to back away. “I’m going to try.”
It’s a promise. Inej knows Kaz is a man of his word. He reminded her of that earlier today, and she’s reminded of it now. Whenever he makes a deal, he always holds up his end of the bargain. He never makes a deal knowing he won’t be able to fall through.
This is a promise to both of them. Kaz is going to try, not only for Inej, but for himself. She doesn’t know what demons haunt him, but she knows, now more than ever, that he wants to get rid of them. He wants to silence them. And, she wants to silence hers too.
She nods. “I’m going to try, too.”
The hard lines on his face soften. She wants to put her hand on his cheek, but she isn’t sure if she should. She did it once before, and while he never pushed her away, he had been scared. Today, when he held her hand, she didn’t miss the tremor that had passed through him.
She decides against putting her hand on his cheek. Not today. Today has already been too much. It could wait for another day.
Telling her parents about everything is hard.
When she sits down to tell them about the girl she has become, Inej finds that her palms are sweaty. She constantly runs them over her trousers, but it doesn’t seem to help. She’s scared. She’s scared to tell her parents about the Menagerie. She’s scared to tell them about her time with the Dregs. She’s scared to tell them about the people she killed and what she did in order to survive life in the Barrel.
She knows she has to be honest, though. Her breath is shaky as she begins to explain where she’s been and how she ended up where she is. There’s a lot of pauses as she tells her story because some parts are too hard to talk about. Certain parts have her in shock, and when they start to cry, so does she.
It’s a hard day for them.
She fears her parents are going to look at her differently by the time she finishes. How can they not after everything she’s told them? She feels like she let them down by becoming someone else. Someone dangerous and deadly. She finds herself apologizing to them, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“You did what you had to do to survive,” her father says in a hushed and quiet tone. He’s still trying to make sense of everything. “You must pray for forgiveness.”
She does. Every night, she prays to the Saints. She prays for forgiveness. She prays that her Saints understand the circumstances that made her who she is. She once told Kaz that forgiveness is earned, not asked for. She hopes to earn the forgiveness of her Saints and her parents.
She tells her parents that. She tells them that she prays every night for forgiveness and understanding. She tells her parents that she prays every time she picks up her knives and every time she takes a life.
She starts to take out her knives as if to prove a point that she hasn’t lost her faith. She pulls out Sankta Lizabeta from her belt and Sankt Vladimir from her boot. She pulls out Sankta Alina, and when she pulls out Sankt Petyr, she pauses.
“Kaz gave me this when I first joined the Dregs,” she whispers, carefully touching the blade. It’s one of the few knives she never throws. She’s always been afraid that she would never get it back. He taught me how to be feared instead of living in fear, she wants to say as she sets the knife down.
“You never lose your faith,” her mom notes.
Inej looks at her and nods. “Never.”
She heads to the Slat with a heavy heart as the sun begins to set. As usual, she climbs to Kaz’s room. She’s greeted by her noisy crows, eager for some food. She strategically steps past them and perches on the windowsill.
To her surprise, Kaz is working on his makeshift desk. He usually works from Per Haskell’s old office ever since his takeover of the Dregs. He hardly brings work up to his room anymore.
That isn’t all that surprises her. On the corner of his desk, she sees a bag of breadcrumbs. She can’t help but smile to herself before heading over to grab the bag. Though he never likes it when she feeds the crows, Kaz never tries to stop her. This time, he seems to be encouraging it.
“They’ve been incessantly loud,” he says as she grabs the bag, not looking up from his paperwork. His sentences are short and clipped, a sign that the crows have gotten on his nerves.
She hops on the windowsill and starts spreading out the crumbs, making sure to get an even distribution. They immediately start to quiet down. “You could’ve fed them yourself, Brekker,” she says, turning her attention to him.
He looks at her, and his breath hitches for a brief moment. She isn’t sure why. Though, he quickly regains his composure. He sits up a little straighter in his chair. “I’m busy, Ghafa.” He gestures to the papers scattered on his desk. “I’m reworking some shifts at the Crow Club, and it’s hard to get any work done when people keep coming into my office downstairs. So, I took my work up here.”
“So people wouldn’t bother you?”
“Yes.”
She hums. “Am I bothering you?”
“Never.”
She notices how he answered her with no hesitation. Never. She turns her face towards the sun as a feeling of warmth creeps up on her cheeks. She could blame it on the sun, but she’d be lying to herself.
The setting sun feels nice. There’s a light breeze blowing that brings Inej a sense of calm. Nice days like this are usually far and few between in Ketterdam. She’s learned to appreciate them when they come. She closes her eyes and leans her head back on the wall.
The two sit in silence for some time. It’s comfortable, familiar. She feeds the crows the rest of the breadcrumbs, and shortly after, they fly off into the dark night sky. As usual, the Barrel is noisy down below. There’s lots of shouting from intoxicated visitors and business owners alike. Others can be heard singing, and Inej is sure their voices aren’t any good. It doesn’t matter, though, because the noises are muffled and faint from the attic.
She feels Kaz’s eyes on her. Slowly, she looks at him. His brows are furrowed as he scans her face. It’s almost like he’s trying to solve a puzzle.
He leans back in his chair. “Something’s on your mind, Wraith.” She looks at him with imploring eyes, silently asking him how he knows. “When you came in here, your eyes were red and puffy. You were a little pale, too.”
It almost surprises her how much attention he gives to detail. She lets out a quiet sigh. “I… told my parents about everything.”
He gives her a nod. “And how did it go?”
She watches him grab his cane before turning to face the window. She can hear the thump of his cane on the hardwood floor as he makes his way towards her. “They’re… conflicted, I think.” He’s standing near her now. He leans his cane against the wall and takes a seat across from her on the windowsill, leaving a bit of space between them. “It wasn’t easy telling them, Kaz.”
She looks at him and sees the hesitation in his eyes. He’s not sure what to say. His mouth opens and closes. After a moment, he lets out a small sigh of frustration. She knows he’s not the best person to go to about this, but she still feels a pang of disappointment when he can’t respond.
Instead, Kaz offers her his hand. She looks at it and then him. His jaw is set, lips pressed into a thin line. Despite his hand being gloved, Inej still takes it. They allow their fingers to lace together as they both look out the window.
He gives her a hand a gentle squeeze. He might not have words tonight, but his actions speak louder than words ever could. I’m here for you, his actions say. Whatever you need, I’m here.
It’s hard to say goodbye, Inej finds out.
Her parents leave Ketterdam two weeks before she’s going to set sail on The Wraith for the very first time. She hugs them tight and promises to write to them as often as she can. She also promises to visit the caravans soon. When she sees her mother shed a few tears, Inej wipes them away and gives her a weary smile.
“You guys won’t lose me again,” she says.
Saying goodbye to Jesper and Wylan is just as hard. On her last night in Ketterdam, they make her an extravagant dinner. After dinner, Wylan plays the piano while Jesper tries to teach her some sea shanties. Inej laughs the whole time.
She shakes her head as Wylan stops playing. “I’m going to miss this.”
She will. She feels like she’s been spoiled staying at the Van Eck mansion. It’s a lifestyle she isn’t quite used to, and she’s thankful that she’s still not used to it.
After Wylan and Jesper retire for the night, Inej heads to the Slat one last time. She hasn’t been there in a few days, and she feels like she needs to go, at least for a couple of hours. She makes the climb to Kaz’s window one last time. This time, it’s locked.
With ease, she picks the lock and opens the window. She enters his room, hardly making a sound. She finds Kaz pacing around his room, looking at a sheet of paper.
“You’re here,” he says, pausing in his tracks. He looks at her. His hair is a little messy and his sleeves are pulled up to his elbows. His coat and gloves are off, too. Though he’s still wearing his tie, this is pretty casual for Kaz. She likes this side of him, she finds.
She gives him a nod. “I’m here.” Seeing him dressed in a more casual manner elicits something warm in her chest. She gets an idea. “Can you… stop working? Just for an hour or two.”
He raises a brow. “Why?”
“Because it’s my last night in Ketterdam and I want to spend it on the rooftop with you.”
He considers the idea as he makes his way to his makeshift desk. He leans against it. “That sounds… romantic.”
A smile tugs on her lips. “It can be.”
After a moment, he sets his paper down on his desk. He nods. “Okay.”
Her smile grows as he grabs his cane and makes his way to the window. Since his room is up in the attic, they simply need to climb out the window and they’d be on the roof. She climbs out first and he follows, leaning his cane against the wall inside.
They both get settled on the roof. Kaz has his bad leg out in front of him while Inej has her legs crossed. There’s a good few inches of space between them, close enough so they can touch, if they want, but just far enough so they don’t accidentally touch.
Kaz leans back on the palms of his hands. It’s quiet, and for once, Inej doesn’t want it to be quiet. She luckily doesn’t have to wait long. “I can see why you like being up high,” he says, his voice quiet. “It’s… nice.”
She hums. “It is.” She doesn’t tell him this, but it’s even better when she’s up here with him.
Her heart was full prior to seeing him, but now, it feels like it might explode. It’s a mix of excitement for the next adventure and sadness. She won’t miss Ketterdam in the slightest, but she’ll miss the people in it.
“If you’ve come here to say goodbye,” he starts, dragging her out of her thoughts, “I’m not good at them.”
She knows this. Kaz has never been good at goodbyes, so he does them. She remembers the night Nina left Ketterdam. Kaz left without saying goodbye to her. She realized that night that he just lets go. Would he just let her go, too?
“Who said this is goodbye?” she asks, turning her eyes to him.
His eyes meet hers. For once, he looks his age. He’s a little relaxed, but not entirely. It’s more than she could want, though, because he’s trying. He doesn’t say anything before turning away.
Without realizing, she starts studying him. The curve of his nose. The scar on his eyebrow. Normally, it would be dangerous to look at him this long, especially in the Barrel. They’re alone, though, and she feels safe up on the roof.
“You’re staring.”
She snaps out of it. A smile is playing on his lips. She’s thankful it’s dark because she’s sure her cheeks are starting to turn red. “Maybe, I was,” she admits. He wiggles his eyebrows in a playful manner and she rolls her eyes. “Don’t think I haven’t caught you staring at me before because I have.”
She hasn’t necessarily caught him because he always looks away when she looks at him, but that alone tells her all she needs to know. Plus, she can always feel his gaze on her.
His face falls a fraction before turning his head to look towards the horizon. She worries that she’s upset him, but then she feels his fingers brush against hers. He looks at her again, and she nods. He puts his hand on top of hers gently, curling his fingers around hers. A small tremor passes through him, but he doesn’t let go.
“When you sit next to the window, feeding the crows, and the sun is hitting you…” He trails off. She swallows hard, her heart beating faster than it was a few minutes ago. “It’s… magic.”
Magic. Kaz loves magic.
“Kaz, come with me,” she finds herself saying. It’s almost stupid, she thinks, because she asked him before and he said he couldn’t. “We can leave this horrible life behind and—”
“I’m a Barrel boss, Inej,” he says. “I can’t just leave.” She doesn’t know why she asked. She turns away for a moment. Kaz speaks up again. “Maybe, one day.”
She looks at him. He’s not completely ruling it out. He’s leaving the door slightly open for the future because who knows? When Inej joined the Dregs, she certainly didn’t think she’d have her own ship. But, she does. So, who knows?
“Maybe, one day,” she repeats.
They stay on the roof for nearly an hour. In that short hour, they’re not Dirtyhands and the Wraith. They’re just teenagers. It’s a refreshing feeling, Inej thinks. It’s an experience they’ve never been allowed to have, so it feels nice.
When Inej tries to say goodbye, the words get caught in her throat. She can’t say anything. Kaz catches on and lets out a shaky breath.
“I’ll be at the docks in the morning,” he says.
It won’t be any easier in the morning, she knows, but she doesn’t argue. She only nods and tells him goodnight.
She says one last goodbye to Wylan and Jesper before leaving for the docks. It’s a pretty emotional moment, but Inej figures that the rest of the day will be like that.
When she gets to FIfth Harbor, Specht greets her and offers to help her with her things. She doesn’t have much, so she declines his help. He starts to fill her in on who’s here, who has yet to show up, and what everyone is currently doing. She thanks him as she makes her way across the deck.
She makes her way down to her captain’s cabin and starts to get settled in. As she does, she starts thinking about the events that led her here, to her captain’s cabin, to this day. She thinks about the four million kruge in an account under her name. Before, she couldn’t even fathom having that much money. Ice Court was nearly impossible, but they managed to pull it off.
She thinks about being taken by Van Eck and the doubt she had. She hadn’t been sure if Kaz would come for her, but he did. It was when she had been reunited with him that she started to notice changes in him. The net. Paying off the rest of her debt to Per Haskell.
He’s changed for the better, she likes to think. She would never tell him that because he’d disagree.
She shakes the thoughts out of her head and goes back up to the deck. She helps her crew load the supplies, making sure they’re going to have everything they need. Specht comes up to her sometime later, wanting to go over their first route. It’s taken weeks of planning and gathering information about the different routes of different slaver ships, but they’re finally ready to go after their first ship. It’s a Ravkan ship that’s supposed to be headed towards Ketterdam.
As she’s talking to Specht, Inej hears the familiar sound of his cane hitting the ground. It's a small, low thump. She can hear the sound drawing closer, and she snaps her head up just as Kaz stops in front of the gangway.
“Boss!” Specht greets, giving him a toothy grin.
Kaz gives him a nod, remaining as stoic as ever. “Specht.” He looks at Inej. “Captain.”
Captain. She likes the sound of that.
She excuses Specht before heading down the gangway. She can’t help but smile at him. “You called me ‘Captain.’”
His brows knit slightly. “Isn’t that what you are?”
She hums. “I am.” She’s also the Wraith. She never really liked that nickname, but she embraces it now. In addition to being a captain, she’ll always be the Wraith.
Silence falls between them. Her eyes go to his bare hands for a brief second before looking back at him. Her eyes search his for a moment before she raises her hand, stopping just an inch or two away from his cheek. He draws in a sharp breath, but nods. Gently, she places her hand on his cheek. It’s warm against her small hands. A small tremor passes through him, but he doesn’t pull away.
The first she had put her hand on his cheek was when they were in the Ice Court. A tremor had passed through him then too, and there was fear in his eyes. Now, she looks at his eyes, and she doesn’t see fear. In fact, his expression softens slightly.
“I’m going to come back,” she whispers, trying to make the conversation as private as possible in a public space. “I meant it when I said I’m not done with Ketterdam.”
He nods slightly. “I’ll be waiting.”
She removes her hand from his face, but the warmth is still there. She can still feel it, just like she can still feel the warmth of his palm against hers. A small exhale escapes his lips as he looks at the ship.
“Are you ready?” he asks, looking back at her.
“More than I’ll ever be.”
His gaze lingers on her for a few seconds longer. Then, he shifts, his hands gripping his cane a little harder as he straightens himself out.
“No mourners,” he says.
“No funerals.”
That’s his way of saying goodbye, she thinks. He tips his head down slightly and she nods. He turns around and starts walking away. She watches him for a brief moment before calling out to him. He stops and turns around.
“Make sure to feed the crows for me!” she shouts.
Though he’s far, she can see the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile before he turns around. That’s the last image she sees of him before she sets sail. She smiles at herself. It’s not a traditional goodbye in the slightest, but for them, it’s more than enough.