Chapter Text
Zuko is five and has a handful of problems. The first and foremost, of course, is that his father is displeased by his lack of bending. The sages say he lacks the spark and must be a non-bender. Mother disagrees hurriedly, soothing his father’s rage. Zuko doesn’t understand the big deal, to be honest. Lu Ten is a non bender and Lu Ten is the best. When he tells father this it only makes him more upset. That, Zuko understands less.
His second problem, of course, is that his sister is 3 years old and already proved herself to father. He spoils her with affection and praise because she’s earned it, and Zuko is left feeling inadequate. His mother comforts him best as she can, but it does little to soothe him. He wants his father’s love, and nothing can compare to it, not even mother. When he tells her this, she gets sad and quiet, like she often does, and pulls away from Zuko. Zuko doesn’t understand that either.
His third problem, surprisingly, is that Zuko throws himself into his studies to please father, and it hurts. He rises early, even before the sun to get a jumpstart on the day, and stays up late, with Tui shining on his work in approval, and it becomes tiring after a few days. Which isn’t a problem on it’s own, except that Zuko has firebending training, in an effort to force flame out of him, and he gets sloppy which upsets his tutors and then they use their fire to punish him. Zuko gets covered in so many burns and bandages his mother argues with father and argues with the tutors. It doesn’t work, naturally. Zuko doesn’t understand why she bothered.
The palace servants all adore Prince Zuko. They adore the passion in his words, the brightness in his voice, the way his presence lights up the dark hallways of the palace, the way he speaks to them as equals, as people, in a way none of the royal family do.
There are rumors that Agni abandoned the Prince. Those present for his birth, in the middle of winter during the time of Tui, had spread the truth of his birth and rumors spread despite the fake date the royal family announced as the Prince's birthday.
But the palace servants know the truth. See it in the light of his skin, the gold of his eyes, the way the earth seems brighter anytime he steps out in the light of day. Life blooms where he steps, guided by the grace of Agni.
The boy is spirit chosen, but he is too young to understand and his family too ignorant to notice.
Zuko is eight when he realises the root of his problems. The amount has increased with his age, and Zuko is left juggling his problems, because they are too many to hold. It takes his sister’s dismissive words for Zuko to realise the common denominator in all his problems. It’s not that surprising. She’s always been smarter than him. Still, he’s ashamed it took his little sister pointing it out to him. It’s so glaringly obvious. Zuko is the cause of his own problems.
He upset father by bending late and upset him more by bending poorly. He upset mother by talking and being honest. He upset his tutors by being so hard to teach. It's all his fault, so he works hard to correct his shortcomings.
He works harder at bending, meditating more, practicing more, watching Azula and copying her, to varying degrees of success. He gets better faster, but not fast enough for father so Zuko just works harder.
He stops talking to mother honestly. He tells her only what will make her happy, only what she asks for. It makes their conversations shorter without Zuko ranting and rambling about this and that, but small sacrifices. This seems to make his mother sadder though. She's still a work in progress.
He reads ahead for all his classes, forces himself to memorise the things he's read until he can recite it perfectly with little effort. That, at least, works effortlessly. He excels Azula in his studies and his tutors are once again impressed. This plan worked so effortlessly, Zuko doesn't understand why the others didn't.
Princess Ursa's personal servant has heard a lot in her years of service. The princess needs someone to talk to, and seems to find the open air the perfect candidate. She never addresses anyone, stares unseeingly at the distance and continues speaking even when the space is empty of anyone.
Princess Ursa's personal servant knows all about Prince Zuko's worrying quiet, knows all about Princess Azula's disturbing tendencies, knows all about Prince Ozai's cold eyes and horrible, horrible demands. She knows all of this unwillingly, and wishes she could rid her mind of the words.
She can't and instead finds herself noticing the burns littering Prince Zuko's body, some too big for comfort and some too little, but all hand shaped. She sees more, once Princess Ursa's quiet voice points them out in the silence of her room, and comes to the conclusion that something is very wrong with the people in charge of her nation and the worst of it is displayed on Prince Zuko's skin and no doubt marked into his mind.
But he is too young to understand, and she is but a servant.
Zuko is nine when he attends his first funeral. He doesn't understand what's going on, and nobody tells him. They only dress him in different colours and push him in different directions and force him to sit.
He is seated next to father, his sister on his left. Grandfather is in the middle with Uncle on his right. Immediately Zuko is excited, because if Uncle is here Lu Ten must be too, and Lu Ten is the best.
He stays quiet and still though, because this is a ceremony and even if he doesn't know what it's for, he knows what behaviour is expected of him. Most ceremonies are silent, and this is clearly one of prayer, which means even more silence.
The ceremony ends but uncle remains seated, even as father and sister move to leave. Grandfather is already inside. Zuko scoots over to Uncle, whose head is bowed and eyes closed. He must've fallen asleep. Uncle's always been silly like that. Zuko nudges him to wake him, a smile planted on his face and buzzing from excitement. Zuko doesn't get to play much, but Lu Ten always comes up with the best games.
"Uncle?"
"Ah, Prince Zuko. Come to comfort an old man?" And Uncle is aiming for one of his stupid jokes that isnt funny but his voice is wrong and his smile is flat and his eyes are wet. Zuko doesn't know what to do with that, because everytime he tries to make someone feel better he makes it worse, but Lu Ten is the best and he'll know.
"Where's Lu Ten?" That, of course, is the wrong thing to say. Uncle's face crumbles and Zuko doesn't understand why. He looks around in search of answers and finds nothing.
His uncle doesn't explain, can barely gather breath between sobs. It's only later, when Zuko asks a servant after searching the palace fruitlessly, that they explain Lu Ten is gone, never coming back. Zuko asks why, and their only answer is war. Zuko swears to end the war so Lu Ten can come back. He nods to the servant in understanding.
He doesn't understand, is the servant's first thought as he watches Prince Zuko walk away. He doesn't understand, and he is too young to. But he swore to end the war, and maybe his lack of understanding isn't so bad.
It will hurt him, no doubt, when he gets the true answers to his questions, but for now the servant is pleased to dump the responsibility of old men onto a young child's shoulders and imagine a world without war.
Zuko is ten when his mother leaves. Two facts present themselves to him. The first is that his mother loves him. The second is that she is gone. These facts contradict. Why would she leave if she loves him? He doesn't understand because they contradict each other.
Azula wastes no time in telling him it's his fault, but how could it be his fault if she loves him? Clearly one of the two facts is wrong. And she is so clearly gone that it has to mean she doesn't love him. Perhaps she never did.
There's more, of course, besides his mother's disappearance. Grandfather orders Zuko's death and then dies himself. Father is crowned Firelord with Zuko becoming the Crown Prince. Uncle Iroh still hasn't returned and Lu Ten is never coming back. All this happens at the same time, yet Zuko's mother is what steals his attention.
He'd never had to work for her love, not the way he does for father, so he never thought much about it but maybe he should have. Maybe he did have to earn his mother's love, just in different ways. Maybe he never did because he never worked for it and was never worthy so she never loved him.
It's confusing and makes his chest hurt and his eyes sting because he loves his mother and his father and his sister but they don't seem to love him back, but he understands. He's not good enough for their love and until he is, people will keep leaving. Like Lu Ten and uncle and mother. He has to work harder.
Princess Ursa leaves in a hurry, whispering about her son and about her father-in-law. Her personal servant pretends not to hear, and pretends not to see and pretends not to exist. It works for the princess, who slips by the servant with no problem, the lack of light aiding her ignorance.
It does not work in the light of day, when the now Crown Prince runs up to her crying and asking about his mother. It does not work when the now Firelord stands down the hallway waiting for her answer, his daughter smiling at his side. It does not work when she tells the prince that she doesn't know, his mother is just gone.
He cries and cries, screaming about how it doesn't make sense, how it contradicts, how he doesn't understand. Poor thing. He doesn't realise that she left because she loves him. Doesn't see that it contradicts only because he doesn't understand.
Zuko is thirteen when all his problems fall around him. It's like time stops, suspending his problems in the air, before it resumes and they all come down on him. It starts the way most things do, Zuko opens his mouth.
Zuko is on the ground, knees throbbing from the way he dropped onto them. He can’t hear much, his mind too loud. There are a lot of thoughts in Zuko’s head, the loudest being that he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why it was father when he turned around, doesn’t understand why his face is so hot, why father won’t let him move away from the heat, why he’s cradling Zuko’s face and his head but hurting him and holding him in place for it.
Zuko doesn’t even realise he’s screaming, can’t connect the clawing at his throat to any sound because his ears are filled with cotton and he doesn’t understand. Why isn’t anyone helping? Where’s uncle or Azula? Why aren’t they saying anything? Why isn’t anyone? Zuko tries to turn his head, tries to look for uncle, but his father’s grip is strong and his hands are big and Zuko’s face is on fire but he doesn’t understand why.
He doesn’t understand he doesn’t understand why why why it's not fair i didn’t do anything i don't understand please i dont understand i dont understand i
The servants whisper. Nothing is powerful enough to stop people from talking. It starts in the kitchen, as rumors do. The subject is Prince Zuko. It often is. Halting conversation is held. Unfinished questions. 'Have you heard…?' 'Is it true…?' and so on. The silence of the halls speaks louder than any person could. The prince is no longer in the palace, sent to chase ghost stories by his father.
Agni is angry, drying their crops and burning their skin. The remaining of the royal family barely seem to notice, too busy revelling in their power, but the servants do. No sacrifice, no prayer is enough to soothe Agni. He is angry and only grows angrier the more his will is ignored.
The servants can do nothing but prayer for mercy, for forgiveness, and for their Prince. They understand, with each day of Agni’s rage, that the Prince is their only saving grace.
Zuko is thirteen still when he wakes up on a ship in the middle of the sea, fever coursing through his veins and Uncle praying by his side.
He doesn’t understand.