Chapter Text
June 1509, Marineford
Luffy had been trying to convince Crocodile to take him along for a Warlord meeting for years now; Since he was old enough to both notice his absences and to communicate his desire in a verbal manner.
Usually, his response was a flat "no" with the occasional side of "over my dead body". The fact that half of the kid's DNA came from Dragon — aka the most wanted man alive — might have been a tightly-kept secret, but Crocodile wasn't going to take any chances.
Why should he make the marines job any easier and literally bring a potential political hostage straight to their doorstep?
If it were up to him, Luffy would never leave Alabasta, outside of heavily-guarded and very short-term trips.
Luffy, of course, had different ideas. And, as children are wont to do, with age he got smarter.
To an extent.
In Crocodile's defence, he had never expected the little rascal to be bold enough to hide inside his coat for the duration of the entire trip to Marineford, only getting discovered when the marines did a customary pat-down.
Oh, he wasn't surprised that Luffy hid in there — he did so frequently — but he was surprised that he remained silent and motionless for a whole hour since the marines came to pick Crocodile up.
Honestly, he hadn't believed it was physically possible for Luffy to remain silent for that long.
But now, here he was: in Marineford, minutes before the meeting was scheduled to start (not that Crocodile cared particularly about being on time), and with only two available options: to take Luffy along into the meeting room (bad) or to leave him outside to terrorise the marines (even worse; what if the brat stumbled upon his paternal grandfather?).
Neither option was something Crocodile wanted to do, but there was a clear winner there.
With a sigh, he held Luffy's hand tightly — he knew exactly how fast the kid could disappear in some random corridor if one didn't pay enough attention — and followed the marine guide as if he hadn't already memorised the route to the meeting room years ago.
Luffy, once discovered, did not keep quiet. He chattered about everything and anything, pointing out every little thing that caught his interest.
Including-
"WOAH! Dad, look, this guy has a seagull on his head!"
-Sengoku's choice of headwear.
"That's the Fleet Admiral," Crocodile said tiredly, already knowing Luffy would refer to him as some variant of Seagull-man forever.
He went towards his usual seat, pulling Luffy into his lap while taking stock of the other Warlords present.
Kuma was sitting still as a statue by Sengoku's side, as always. If Crocodile hadn't personally seen him in action before, he honestly would have assumed the man just spent all of his time in the meeting room, remaining in the exact same pose.
Mihawk was also in — surprising, considering how rarely the man could be bothered to make it — seemingly napping with his hat pulled over his face.
Jinbe was unlikely to come, considering what Crocodile had heard of his current whereabouts, and Moria only ever showed up often enough to not get booted off the Warlord program. Boa tended to come in at the last second — not too early, not too late, spending exactly as little time in the presence of marines as was required of her — and the last Warlord... Well.
If Crocodile was lucky, he wouldn't show up to today's meeting at all.
By some miracle, Luffy remained silent once they were seated, staring between Sengoku, Kuma and Mihawk, his eyes wide and curious.
Crocodile mentally groaned at the idea of Luffy forcing him to stay behind just to question whoever he decided to settle on by the time the meeting ended.
The doors slammed open the moment the clock reached the full hour, Boa Hancock stepping into the room with a dramatic sweep of her hair.
Crocodile couldn't help but roll his eyes at that. He would never understand the theatrics some of the Warlords engaged in.
She strutted into the room with a disinterested gaze… At least until she noticed Luffy.
Reflexively, Crocodile tightened his arm around Luffy's middle even as Boa approached, settling herself in a chair right beside him instead of her customary "whichever chair is the furthest away from all you men" (her exact words, said one notable time)
"Hello there, little one," she said, her voice irritatingly soft in a way Crocodile never heard before. "Are you alright? Did the big bad man kidnap you?"
Crocodile sighed. Of course that's what she'd go with.
Luffy just giggled at that. "No, dummy!" he said, and Crocodile coughed, trying not to laugh. "That's my dad!"
Boa blinked, her eyes darting up towards Crocodile's face.
"Not a word," Crocodile said, as pleasantly as if he was talking about the weather. Whatever she had to say about the fact that he had a kid, Crocodile has heard it all before.
Damn, but he was itching for a cigar.
"Right then," Sengoku cleared his throat, still doing his level best of pretending like he was speaking to an empty room despite all the years of the Warlord program running. "I suppose that's everyone for today. Let's begin."
Crocodile let the boring details wash over him, his attention pulled between the kid fiddling with the rings on Crocodile’s hand, the intel he could potentially use for himself, and the hushed conversation Boa kept having — or at least trying to have — with Luffy.
As his father, Crocodile knew better than anyone how frustrating Luffy could be. His brain just worked on an entirely different frequency than most other people.
For some reason, though, Boa seemed content to listen to Luffy ramble about his favourite bugs in a voice which was almost loud enough to drown out Sengoku.
For a whole five minutes, Crocodile really thought this would be it.
And then the doors slammed open again.
In walked the worst eyesore Crocodile had ever had the displeasure of laying his eyes upon.
Sengoku had paused mid-word, as if expecting Doflamingo to say something — a greeting, or perhaps even more delusionally, an apology for being late — but of course, the pink fucker never did.
He walked — though that was a generous use of that verb in Crocodile’s opinion — towards the table, wasting no time before stepping onto it, settling himself cross-legged right in the middle.
Always needing to be the centre of attention, Crocodile thought with a sneer.
"We can sit on top of the table?!" Luffy yelled, excited, before wriggling out of Crocodile's grasp and clambering onto the table.
Somehow, that was the last straw; everyone's attention was now firmly on Luffy, with no one bothering to pretend like he didn't exist.
Luffy, for his part, appeared entirely unbothered — of course — as he settled himself by Doflamingo's side, pulling his feathery coat over his own shoulders.
Doflamingo looked down at Luffy, his usual smile for once absent. He seemed baffled for a moment, at least until Luffy looked up at him, deploying his most powerful weapon: the trademark perfectly-round puppy eyes.
This technique had yet to fail him, and judging by the way Doflamingo's smile slowly stretched out his lips again, his record would remain intact.
Crocodile sighed, putting his elbow on the table and resting his forehead against his hand.
If Luffy made himself an enemy of Doflamingo, it would have been bad, but manageable.
But if they got along... God save them all.
Sengoku cleared his throat again, going back to reading out information nobody was paying attention to.
"That's a child," Mihawk said, and Crocodile glanced up to see him looking at the table. He wondered what tipped the swordsman off that something interesting was happening, if Luffy's voice or Boa's conversation hadn't done the trick.
"Wow, Hawky," Doflamingo tilted his head back in a way that didn't seem entirely possible, letting himself overbalance and sprawl all over the surface of the table. "They don't joke about your keen eyesight, hmm?"
"Oh! Because Hawks have really good eyes!" Luffy offered helpfully, following Doflamingo's suit and flopping down.
Unfortunately for Doflamingo, Luffy's boney elbows were in a prime position to dig into his guts, leaving him gasping. Fortunately for Doflamingo, he did not react beyond that gasp.
If the pink nuisance had even thought about hurting his son, no force on earth would have saved him from Crocodile's wrath.
"Is he yours?" Hawks continued, as if he hadn't heard Doflamingo's words, and also proving he heard nothing else that's been said in the room previously.
Even Sengoku sighed at that, temporarily giving up on regurgitating boring information.
"Perhaps." Doflamingo answered, far too thoughtfully.
"Over my-" Crocodile began, only for Luffy himself to interrupt him.
"You could be my mom!" He offered. "I don't have one of those."
"I could be your mom," Boa grumbled, her arms crossed.
Crocodile glanced over at her, raising an eyebrow. "That would require interacting with me."
Boa didn't even bother turning her head. "...Perhaps better if I'm not."
He decided not to take that personally.
Then again, perhaps he shouldn't have reminded her he was a man; Boa, as annoying as she was, was an infinitely better choice than Doflamingo.
...Who seemed to be getting along with Luffy swimmingly.
...........Too swimmingly. Didn't he cut off a marine's entire arm for attempting to touch his glasses? Why was he letting Luffy poke at them incessantly?
"As a general, non-pointed reminder," Sengoku said casually. "This is not a kindergarden."
"Well, duh!," Luffy was the only one to answer, rolling over to stick his tongue out. "Kindergardens actually have toys!"
"Gotta say, I'm really glad I decided to show up today," Doffy added. "You, little one, are a riot."
Luffy pouted at that. "I'm not allowed to cause riots anymore," he said sagely.
Crocodile appreciated the fact he remembered that rule; He didn't appreciate the way Doffy cackled at that proclamation.
"If we may continue-" Sengoku said pointedly, shuffling his papers, and didn't wait for an answer before continuing.
"I'm taking a nap," Luffy announced.
Crocodile felt a glimmer of hope, expecting his kid to come back and sleep in his lap, as he so often did. Clearly, he had underestimated the appeal of a new playmate.
Luffy had wriggled himself more comfortably by Doflamingo's side, half-sprawled over his torso, pulling the feathery coat over himself. Doflaminog clearly didn't mind, if the way he arched his back to free the coat a bit more was any indication.
"Good idea," he said towards Luffy's already-asleep face, conking out surprisingly fast.
Mihawk seemed to be asleep again, as well, and Kuma was as awake as he ever was.
Crocodile really wished he could follow their suit. If Sengoku kept droning on — seemingly uncaring half of the room was asleep — he might just manage to do so.
But that was just wishful thinking. Eventually, Crocodile was able to take his mind off of Luffy, focusing instead on the information Sengoku seemed so interested in.
The fact that the Fleet Admiral kept quizzing them on whatever he was talking about didn't help. Though it was kind of funny to see him ask Doflamingo a question, only to get an obnoxious snore in return and no choice but to accept it.
Crocodile actually kind of doubted that Doflamingo was really asleep — it didn't seem like something he'd do in the middle of Marineford, leaving himself so vulnerable in a room full of people who hated him — but if he was faking it, he was good at it.
About an hour in, Luffy slowly pushed himself upright, his eyes still closed as he smacked his lips, hair sticking out in every direction.
Quite frankly, Crocodile had been hoping that Luffy would sleep through the entire meeting and then some, letting him remove them both from Marineford without further complications.
It was not meant to be, clearly.
Crocodile took in a deep breath, bracing himself and keeping his Devil Fruit on standby. He knew his kid. The first thing Luffy would always do after waking up was-
The kid slapped absently at Doflamingo's torso, clearly hitting something sensitive by the way the man jerked.
"Daaaaaaad," Luffy groaned, his free hand moving to rub at his eyes. "I'm hungryyyyyy."
"You're always hungry, wani-bunny," Crocodile sighed, already mourning the loss of reputation he'd suffer by the slipped-out nickname. Outstretching a hand (slightly aided the extension by turning a part of his arm into sand), he pulled on Luffy's elbow gently. "Come on, come back here. "
Luffy blinked his eyes open properly, looking between Crocodile's hand and Doflamingo's body. And then again. And again.
His kid was a lot of things, but the smartest cookie in the shed he was not.
"Mama, food!" He demanded, now slapping at Doflamingo with much more purpose.
Crocodile could barely stop himself from cursing a blue streak. "He's not your mother!" He argued, already knowing it'd be moot. When Luffy started calling people something, it'd take a minor miracle to stop him.
He thanked whichever god was willing to take the credit for the fact that Luffy's preferred name for him was "dad".
Doflamingo chuckled, slowly hefting himself up onto his elbows. "I know where the kitchens are," he offered, his smile spelling out trouble. "What say you we go and terrorise some marines-"
"Not before the meeting is over," Sengoku said, pointedly loudly.
Crocodile really loved the confirmation that the fleet admiral didn’t care for his subordinates’ mental health.
"But I'm hungry nowwwww," Luffy groaned, falling against Doflamingo's chest in an overexaggerated faint.
....He was spending too much time around Bentham.
"Hear that, Senny?" Doflamingo snuck a hand around Luffy's waist, supporting him absently, as if the eyesore had any kind of experience with children. "The child's starving. Is that what marines stand for? Starving children?"
Sengoku didn't respond, moving to pinch the bridge of his nose. While usually, Crocodile would be happy to see him like this, the fact that it was his kid and Doflamingo tag-teaming to multiply the fleet admiral's misery was kind of distracting him from any enjoyment.
"Come here, Luffy," he said, tugging at the boy's elbow one last time before bringing his hand back, rummaging through his pockets. He didn't have any meat — obviously, what kind of a moron would put meat in their pockets? Especially while going to a Warlord meeting? — but he should still have some hard candies.
"Mama said there was a kitchen, though," Luffy blinked up at him and Crocodile averted his gaze, very much not immune to the puppy eyes. "Kitchen has more food!"
He needed to stop Luffy from calling Doflamino a mother, and he needed it yesterday.
"That-" He pointed a finger at the feathery bastard, who had the gall to bring up his own hand in a who? me? gesture. "Is NOT your mother. That's Doflamingo."
Luffy turned his head, following Crocodile's finger and then looking up. And up. And a little bit higher, until he was looking right into Doflamingo's eyes.
Or, well. His glasses.
"Dofu- Dofa- Doffy!" He settled on.
It might have placed Luffy one step closer to getting eviscerated, but Crocodile could protect him from that. Having to hear him call Doflamingo "mama" was downright psychological torture. Crocodile would take that trade.
But Doflamingo didn't seem to care about the butchering of his name, his grin remaining firmly embossed upon his face.
"Your dad is being so mean, huh," he tutted disapprovingly, and Crocodile could feel a vein bulging out on his forehead. "Not letting you have yummy food, huh?"
“Mhm!” Luffy nodded in agreement, far too enthusiastic about it.
Honestly. Crocodile was hardly starving the boy!
“You are not leaving the room with my child.”
Doflamingo looked up at him, his smile turning a little bit sharper. “You could always join us-”
“And I am not losing half of you before the meeting is over,” Sengoku stressed, taking a Den Den Mushi out of his pocket.
Crocodile did not envy that little creature. He kept his own portable Mushi’s in travel boxes; He would never leave one just inside a pocket!
The fleet admiral then proceeded to call someone and ordered them to bring tea service and some food; And, because marines liked to pretend they knew how to be polite, he ordered enough for everyone rather than just Luffy.
Or, well. More than what he thought Luffy would have been capable of eating.
There was no doubt in Crocodile’s heart that not many of the Warlords would actually indulge. It would be far too easy for the marines to slip something into their drinks. If not poison or a sleeping draft, then some experimental substance with questionable purpose.
Crocodile had the displeasure of learning about some of Vegepunk’s ideas. He’d rather not possess that knowledge, but he wasn’t willing to let the doctor or any of his “memory erasing” devices near his head.
Whoever it was Sengoku had called, they must have really wanted to make the man proud. Or they just heard Luffy’s complaints over the line; Either way, they clearly hauled ass and the food showed up in the room not even fifteen minutes later.
They cautiously flitted around the table, setting up the food while ignoring both the two heathens on top of it and the way both of them kept stealing random bits from the plates.
“Luffy,” Crocodile chidded, exasperated. “You have more manners than that.”
Luffy, who was snacking on a fried chicken leg, responded to that by grabbing the whole plate of them and holding it in his lap.
…that was not at all what Crocodile had meant, but he’d take that.
His kid also seemed to be the only person indulging in the fare, save for Sengoku who took the entire pot of tea.
(If anything happened to Luffy, Crocodile would raze the whole government to the ground.)
Not even Doflamingo actually ate anything; Everything he plucked off the plates he either passed on to Luffy or threw at the marines.
It was hard to take Fleet Admiral seriously when a seagull stepped on his face to catch a morsel of food Doflamingo had thrown at him.
This seemed to be the last straw. Sengoku slapped the papers down on the table, glared at Doflamingo, and stood up with a curt “meeting adjourned” before stalking out of the room.
They all sat in shocked silence for a moment, unwilling to believe that This Actually Happened.
“Well then,” Mihawk was the first one to speak, dropping his feet to the ground with a click and getting to his feet. “I’ll be off.”
Crocodile dearly wished he could follow his lead. First, though, he’d need to figure out some way to distract Doflamingo and take Luffy away from him.
…Or Luffy would just do it for him.
The kid gingerly held a plate of something — it looked like honeyed salmon to Crocodile, though he might have been wrong — while slowly shifting on his knees, approaching the edge of the table closest to Kuma.
Doflamingo followed him for a second, before getting distracted by the papers Sengoku left behind, turning them around to read better.
Crocodile got to his feet, wary of Luffy falling off.
Boa grabbed his elbow, which was shocking enough to stop him in his tracks. Even the Empress herself seemed surprised to have done so.
“What would it cost to have you tell your child to call me Auntie?” Sha asked, her voice low.
Crocodile snorted. “Luffy will call you what Luffy will call you, I have no control over that,” he said, shaking off her hand and rounding the table.
In the brief moment of his distraction, Luffy had already reached Kuma, offering him the food with a sunny smile.
Kuma, as was typical for him, did not react. He was also crying, which Crocodile hadn’t been aware was an option.
Figuring now was his best chance, he took the plate from Luffy’s hands to set it down, grabbed his kid, and booked it out of the room and Marineford in general before Sengoku could yell at him for “breaking” his most obedient Warlord.