Chapter Text
Honestly, Joel gives off 'comes quick, small dick energy'.
It was a joke. A bad joke but a joke nonetheless. And of course it was a joke, why wouldn't it be? Grian was a teasing bastard even when he wasn't so drunk he could barely stand up straight but there was something in the way that he said it, so reassured, so boisterous, so…certain that it rubbed Joel the wrong way.
It wasn't bothering him, obviously.
Something so untrue spoken in a discussion on "body count" would never bother someone like him. He was above that. Even if it was announced to their entire group of friends, feet up on the coffee table and cup of beer in his left hand.
He'd made eye contact with Joel too.
Half-slumped into the couch with a smug smirk that was practically daring him to say something; whether to defend himself or make a scene Joel wasn't sure. Joel had only laughed awkwardly, shifting the spotlight to someone else quickly and conversation ultimately refocusing to something different yet equally dumb considering the level of alcohol consumption had reached dangerous levels for the group as a whole.
It didn't bother him.
Grian was just being Grian and clearly bringing up topics to liven up the party since it had long gone past the dancing, making out with random strangers drunk and into the sleepy drunk. He doubted that–when the sun rose and people stirred awake with pounding headaches–anyone would even remember what Grian had said, doubted that anyone would even care.
So why couldn't he stop thinking about it?
Joel was…well he wouldn't say he had a monster cock but it wasn't small like Grian was implying. On top of that he’d never had complaints from people he'd slept with; especially complaints about how long he lasted in bed thank you very much!
He had average–if not above average–stamina and penis and…and now that he really thinks about it, he bets Grian's is smaller.
Jealousy, insecurity, egotism; it had Grian's name written all over it. In fact it was almost laughable of how hard Grian was projecting onto him. It made so much sense now, why Grian would specifically target Joel, someone in similar stature and relationship status, in comparison to someone like Jimmy who had someone like Scott ready to defend him at the drop of a hat.
Joel would just have to pick another method to defend himself.
He could…
No.
No. He shouldn't.
He really, really, really shouldn't.
It was a stupid idea. Really dumb. Digital footprint and blackmail folder dumb. This was probably the world's worst possible way to prove a point. There were a hundred different things he could do instead, like sleep, ignore the words like a normal person or even building a bloody pillow fort. All of which would be better ideas.
And yet...
Almost instinctively, Joel finds his free hand reaching down past the faded graphic tee and down to his shorts. His fingers tracing the edge of his waistband, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip as he let the thought fester.
Screw it.
Before his common sense can find him again, he kicks the covers off of himself and swipes his phone off his nightstand, hissing at the bright screen light. He clumsily taps out Grian's name with one hand into his phones contact list, shoving the other hand down the front of his underwear to fish for his cock.
Despite all his problems with Grian–and there were many–he trusted Grian, he did. He knew that no matter the outcome it would just be a laugh amongst boys and if asked sincerely he wouldn't share it with anyone. It'd be a fun inside joke, a jumpscare for the ages…and whatever else Joel can say to justify the way he's stroking himself to full mast in the most clinical way he's ever done it.
He knows it'll be uncomfortable to deal with a hard on later–no promises that he'll be sober or even awake enough to really consider masturbating afterwards–but the last thing he needs is Grian saying he has erectile dysfunction too.
Joel's brows furrow when Grian's contact information doesn't come up, even after typing in all possible nicknames that he can think of. Maybe it's the alcohol but his mind is completely blank when he tries to drum up when he changed it to something else, and what it could possibly be.
Then it hits.
If his hand wasn't occupied with...something else he would've facepalmed. He had removed Grian's number as a joke earlier that night after Grian complained about being sixth on his "close friends" list, despite the fact that Joel was lower than that on Grian's phone (the traitor!), and it had completely slipped Joel's mind to add him back.
He sighs, blowing the hair out of his face before he types in Grian's number; his other hand holding his now hard dick as he does. He stares at the newly (re)added contact, wondering absentmindedly how hard he should try for this photo. If he should turn on his lamp for better lighting, fix his sheets or try for a sexy pose but ultimately decides to go for a classic.
Flipping off the camera.
***-***-5635
Not to make you feel bad or anything…but mine is bigger.
Joel just about manages to tuck himself back into his pants, when he notices that a reply is already being written. Joel feels his mouth twist. It was weird that Grian was still awake, not that he was scared of Grian's reply or anything stupid like that but he could've sworn that he had passed out before Joel had left. Could've sworn that he watched Scar carry his limp body out the door with a smile on his face. Joel shakes off the uneasy feeling, Grian could've just woken up. Nothing weird about that.
Right?
Joel waits longer than he should for Grian's reply, nearly ten minutes of fighting off drowsiness and drooping eyelids before he finally gets a response.
***-***-3846
Hard to tell by the angle but that's roughly six inches which does means mine is bigger
See?
A photo is sent back and because he's apparently incredibly stupid, Joel clicks on it immediately. And like adrenaline was just injected directly into his veins, Joel realizes with growing horror and rising heartrate that what he was seeing was not Grian's bed. Or his room. Or his hand. Or…
A scream tears out of his throat before he can choke it back as he tosses his phone away from him like it was contaminated; thankfully bouncing only once and landing just on the edge of his bed.
Oh my god.
He just sent a picture of his full dick to a stranger. Worse than that they had sent him one back. Worse than that still was that they were right and their dick looked bigger than his.
Joel was trying his very hardest not to freak the fuck out. Status report? Not working.
Joel curls his knees tightly into his chest, just about managing to stop himself from rocking back and forth like a madman as he digs his palms of his hands into his eyes. He hears more than feels himself breathing, taking in massive gulps of air as he tries his hardest not to hyperventilate and pass out. That was it. He'd have to throw his phone out and change his name and move to a different country. How hard could it be to learn Spanish anyway?
Joel jolts when his phone vibrates from where it sits, making him wish he'd tossed it out his window instead.
Would there be any use in blocking the number now? The damage was already done, the stranger already had a picture of his dick and sure Joel might have a picture of theirs but there is also the very real possibility that they sent a fake one like anyone with half a brain would do. Maybe they were sharing the picture on social media now, or selling it for a quick buck or worse it was some perv who got off on sending unsolicited dick pics to people and now they had Joel's phone number.
Joel's phone vibrates again. He might be spiralling.
He untangles one of his arms from where it's trapped between his knee and his chest, slowly reaching out his hand towards the phone like it's an active bomb. He forces in a breath through his nose, hand hovering just above the device, before he grabs and unlocks it not unlike how someone would rip off a bandage.
He lets out the breath when he sees a small series of texts that had thankfully pushed the incriminating images far enough up that he couldn't see them anymore.
***-***-3846
Did I scare you off?
I know you saw it, I see the little read icon
I won't show anyone yours obviously
Or file a restraining order if that's what you're worried about
And not that I don't appreciate the photo but I'm also assuming you didn't mean to send that to me?
Joel tries his best to steel his nerves, hands shakily typing out his response.
***-***-5635
Obviously not! Why did you send one back you weirdo!?!
***-***-3846
It's only fair
Okay. Okay! Joel could deal with this. It seemed like they weren't taking things too seriously which means his chances of being reported for harassment and kicked out of college have gone down significantly. Maybe there's time to save things. Maybe he could do a little bit of pretend.
***-***-5635
Well sorry to disappoint but it's not mine
***-***-3846
Lol but you just said it was?
Also I feel like sending a picture of a random persons dick would not prove the point you were trying to make
Joel feels his face burn red, whether it's from embarrassment or from the growing anger in the pit of his stomach it's hard to tell.
***-***-5635
Says you! You looked up one so you could send it to me!
***-***-3846
No? That's my actual dick?
Joel needs a solid minute to process that information.
***-***-5635
WTF man? No way.
***-***-3846
Look it up if you don't believe me
You won't find anything
***-***-5635
I'm not reverse image searching your cock you exhibitionist in training
Have you gone mad?!
***-***-3846
You're the one that sent a picture of your dick to a stranger
***-***-5635
NOT ON PURPOSE YOU IDIOT!
IT WAS FOR MY FRIEND
***-***-3846
Sorry
You're the one that sent a picture of your dick to a "friend"
Out of everything so far, it's surprising that the implication from that text in particular manages to get Joel to grimace.
***-***-5635
Don't put it in quotes, my standards would never be so low
Besides, he already has someone…sorta
***-***-3846
Then why did you do it?
Joel found himself asking the very same question, the morning after sobriety hitting much earlier than he expected.
***-***-5635
You'd do the same if someone mocked your size and stamina to your entire group of friends
***-***-3846
No I wouldn't actually
***-***-5635
But you're not above sending dick pics to a stranger just because they sent one first?
***-***-3846
No I am not
***-***-5635
Whatever weirdo
Lose this number, let's both just forget this happened
Ignoring the...retaliation photo, the stranger seemed reasonable. Snarky and eccentric but reasonable nonetheless. They would probably agree to Joel's terms, have a funny story to tell friends and this would be nothing but a terrible dream and a secret taken to the grave on Joel's part.
But there's a pause.
Longer then it took to type the past few messages, long enough to make Joel nervous. At least, before he sees a little note added to the bottom of the screen.
***-***-3846 changed your name to “Nice cock!”
Nice cock!
WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID?!
ALSO DO NOT CALL ME THAT YOU FUCKING PERVERT
***-***-3846
What do I call you instead?
I'd like to match a name to the dick
You know, in case I see it again later
Joel feels like he's burning, except this time all the lingering embarrassment has boiled off leaving only rage left in the pot. This moron with a dick was either bold or stupid or both.
Nice cock!
None of your business
***-***-3846
Well I'm looking at your business right now, the least you could do is give me a pseudonym
Joel lets out a small growl from the back of his throat, teeth grit so hard together they were starting to hurt. They did know that they could also exercise their free will and stop looking at the photo for peace of both of their minds, right? This situation had somehow taken a turn for the worse but...but Joel was nothing but adaptable. He could handle this.
And he'll tell himself that until he believes it.
***-***-5635
SmallBean. What's yours?
A nickname, also a play on his last name. Simple. Easy to remember.
***-***-3846
Well SmallBean you can call me Ladders if you want
Or bigger dick, whatever you prefer
SmallBean
I'd rather die
Ladders
Nice to meet you too
And if it makes you feel better I don't think your beans are small
Unsurprisingly, it does not.
SmallBean
Shut up I don't need your reassurance
Ladders
So much so that you sent a pic of your dick to a stranger?
SmallBean
AGAIN, NOT ON PURPOSE
Ladders
Although now that I think about it
You mentioned being mocked for stamina but an image doesn't exactly prove anything...
SmallBean
I'M NOT SENDING YOU A VIDEO OF ME JERKING OFF YOU VOYEUR
I COULD LITERALLY NOT BE SOFTER RN
Ladders
Soft already? Oh dear...
I have a friend that works at a pharmacy, I could get you something for that...
Want to talk about it?
This was setting up to be the longest night of Joel's life.