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When Mobei-jun had only been a reader of Proud Immortal Demon Way, one thing he had always enjoyed about the story was how effortlessly cool Luo Binghe was. Even as a disciple ground under the boot of his abusive master, Luo Binghe had defeated demons, fought off terrible poison, and endured countless beatings without so much as shedding a tear. He had kept his white lotus heart until the moment he was drop-kicked into the endless abyss, and then he had become a different kind of badass. Suave, powerful, and blackened. He had emerged hardened, with a talent that was second to none and the confidence to match it.
“Why are you crying?” Mobei-jun demanded.
“It hurts!” Luo Binghe whined.
The young half-demon’s remaining hand gripped Mobei-jun’s chin, shoving it so hard into the cracked earth that he thought his skull might shatter. Luo Binghe was on top of him, his hips straddling Mobei-jun's. His other hand was halfway across the room, along with the rest of the attached arm, where it had fallen after Mobei-jun had sliced it off with an ice blade. A new one was already growing back in its place. Blood dripped down Luo Binghe’s chin, mixing with tears, and splashed against Mobei-jun’s jaw. He pressed his lips tightly shut to avoid getting it in his mouth.
It hurts? he thought. It hurts you?! How about me, huh! Why are you the one crying when I’m the one getting my ass handed to me! Didn’t you lose enough limbs in the Abyss that you don’t even feel it anymore, protagonist?!
He shoved Luo Binghe off of him and into an ice pillar, and then Luo Binghe drew Xin Mo and brought half the throne room down on top of him. In the end, Luo Binghe did get his blood into Mobei-jun’s mouth, Mobei-jun coughing around bloody fingers as Luo Binghe all but choked him, still weeping.
This was not the only occasion on which Mobei-jun wondered if, perhaps, Shen Qingqiu had kicked Luo Binghe in the head too hard once or twice in this world. That, or the System was doing some seriously weird character interpretation.
In public, Luo Binghe played his part as the protagonist perfectly. His lines upon confronting Mobei-jun and challenging him for the throne of the North had been just like in the book, until the spontaneous weeping mid-fight had occurred. And he was like that all the time! He would conquer swathes of demonic territory, spouting off arrogant and flirtatious lines left and right, only to come back to the palace and sniffle while licking his wounds, like a bullied maiden! And those wounds were usually metaphorical, because he healed almost as soon as he was injured, so Mobei-jun had no idea what he was even crying about!
It was the same for diplomacy, or near-world-ending disasters, or quests for rare but dangerous artefacts. Luo Binghe would go through the motions, threatening powerful lords and tracking down rare panaceas, but then he would scurry off to a corner or back room or, worst of all, back to the Northern Palace to have a panic attack. Mobei-jun couldn’t count the number of times he’d had to gently pat the back of the feared Demon Emperor while he hyperventilated in a cupboard in some random demon’s fortress. It seemed in part to be a natural timidness that had never appeared on the pages of Proud Immortal Demon Way, and in part the influence of Xin Mo. Mobei-jun wasn’t sure what the sword seemed to move this world’s Luo Binghe to stressed tears and not bloody rage, but he personally didn’t appreciate the change. Bloody rage might have been more destructive, but at least it was fun to watch!
And, well, Mobei-jun supposed he could have left Luo Binghe to it, ignoring the protagonist’s very un-protagonist-like shaking and whimpering, but… well, he thought it was a bit too pathetic to leave Luo Binghe like that. These might have been the last vestiges of Luo Binghe’s white lotus heart shining through, and Mobei-jun would be no better than that scum Shen Qingqiu if he berated or abandoned the protagonist just because he was having a bit of a hard time. After all, when he had first transmigrated into Mobei-jun as a small child, hadn’t his first thoughts been: What great luck!
The Luo Binghe of Proud Immortal Way hadn’t had any true, close friends; no one who wanted nothing from him but to spend time in his company and support him in his happiness. Wasn’t it the best case scenario to be transmigrated in as the closest thing Luo Binghe had to a platonic companion? He could enjoy the protagonist's company, maybe even steer him towards a happier ending, all without having to deal with power plays or harem politics. Just a platonic bestie who wanted Luo Binghe to succeed.
And he… still did. If only Luo Binghe could be a bit less pathetic about it. Come on, where was the male power fantasy?? All he saw was a crybaby with an evil sword and a criminally cut jawline!
There was one more problem with this world’s Luo Binghe, too. One which Mobei-jun truly had no explanation for.
Mobei-jun’s head turned to follow the scantily-clad flower spirit as she stomped furiously down the hallway. She shot Mobei-jun a resentful look as she passed him, which he returned with a blank stare. What did she have to be pissy at him about?
Luo Binghe’s beautiful protagonist's face peeked around his doorway. “Is she gone?”
“Junshang,” Mobei-jun said.
Luo Binghe sighed and crept the rest of the way out. “That was a close one. We have got to start updating security around here. I mean, seriously, this is the demon emperor’s Underground Palace; why can a random flower spirit just stroll into my rooms?”
She could if the demon emperor’s magically teleporting servant let her in. Admittedly, it was not his subtlest plan yet for setting Luo Binghe up with one of the women who would have been his wives in Proud Immortal Demon Way, but desperate times called for desperate measures. In the entire Underground Palace, only three of the original Luo Binghe’s harem members were in residence: Liu Mingyan, Ning Yingying, and Sha Hualing. And Luo Binghe hadn’t even married any of them! They just spend all their time running around together, going on the quests Luo Binghe shunted off to them and reading yellow books in the gardens. Mobei-jun was at the end of his rope. Was it possible that some terrible butterfly effect from his presence in the world had caused the protagonist of Proud Immortal Demon way to be… asexual???
Out loud, he only grunted.
“Well, whatever. I’m going to go to the kitchens. Do you want anything, Mobei?”
Heaving an internal sigh, Mobei-jun nodded. He trailed after Luo Binghe as the protagonist wandered down to the kitchens and stood next to the doorway as Luo Binghe stoked the stove and began adding ingredients to a large stone pot. Soon, the scent of simmering pork and steaming rice filled the air.
At least, regardless of what else was wrong with this version of Proud Immortal Demon Way, there was still the protagonist's godly cooking to fall back on. If there was one benefit to the lack of harem members in the Underground Palace, it was that, without his wives around to woo and spoil, the one who got to eat that godly cooking was Mobei-jun!
Mobei-jun awoke in the night to a weight on top of him and a blade at his throat.
His eyes slid open a sliver, and his claws flexed against the sheets. The scent of brimstone, lilies, and wet fur assaulted his nose, and he wrinkled it every so slightly.
“Northern harlot,” the woman on top of him hissed. Her bright red blade pressed more firmly to his throat, and he winced as the heat from the enchanted metal began to sear his skin.
Mobei-jun looked over what he could see of the woman with her so close to his face, and slowly recognised her as the powerful Fire Fox demoness (he knows) whose mystical glade Luo Binghe had recently traversed in search of healing herbs that Mobei-jun had needed (a long and somewhat embarrassing story involving, surprise surprise, his shitty uncle). The woman had been demure and helpful while Luo Binghe was searching through her glade, guiding and defending him, while Mobei-jun had been helplessly trapped in a waking sleep by his uncle's poison.
He supposed she had felt less gracious and helpful when Luo Binghe had promptly turned around and left with only a quick ‘thanks! We'll be going then!’ as soon as Mobei-jun was back on his feet.
“If it weren’t for you, I would have had the emperor wrapped around my finger,” she hissed. “It's bad enough that a whore like you has been taken as Junshang's empress, but are you really so jealous that you won't even allow him a second wife? Don't be selfish!”
This was so befuddling to Mobei-jun that he actually said, “Huh?” out loud, despite years of carefully training himself to keep up the stoic front that the original goods was known for.
“Don't play coy!” the Fire Fox demoness shouted. Her rage made her whiskers and huadian glow, and then her skin. She grew uncomfortably hot, and smoke began to rise from the bedclothes.
Shit. Much like a Pokémon, Mobei-jun’s one weakness was those with an opposing elemental type. He attempted to summon some ice blades to skewer the woman, but she melted them with a wave of her hand. Her skin started to sizzle against his. There was a fair amount of it in contact because, as fellow demons, neither of them was wearing a lot of clothing.
The door to Mobei-jun's rooms banged open. Luo Binghe stood tall in the darkness, his eyes and huadian glowing.
“You dare?” he said.
“Junshang!” the fox spirit cried. She tried to rise, but Luo Binghe was there in a flash, throwing her against the wall so hard her back cracked the black marble.
“Fuck off!” Luo Binghe said. “Go climb into someone else's bed, ah! You think just because he’s sexy and mostly shirtless, you can do whatever you like with him?”
Mobei-jun rose from his bed, poked at the burns on his chest, and squinted at the demoness, then at Luo Binghe.
“What,” he said.
Luo Binghe huffed and turned his back on the demoness. He reached out and touched Mobei-jun’s neck, tracing the sliver of blue-black blood.
“Did you get burned?” he asked. His hands brushed down until they were resting next to the tender skin on Mobei-jun’s chest. There was a flutter of motion under his skin that he had unhappily become long accustomed to over the course of many missions and adventures together. Adventures that somehow often ended in the protagonist’s glorified cab driver being imperilled, and needing to be rescued by the protagonist, which Mobei-jun could swear hadn’t happened so much in PIDW. Luo Binghe’s bloodmites got to work on healing the burns, while Luo Binghe carefully ran his hands over his skin, checking for more damage. Although wasn't that a lot of squeezing just to make sure she hadn't stabbed him in the chest? Luo Binghe’s face was awfully close to Mobei-jun’s pecs.
“She was no threat to me,” Mobei-jun said. Although her demonic fire must still have been making the room feel warm…
“Well, of course not,” Luo Binghe said. “It's not like a random demoness could defeat Mobei-jun. But, you know, with all the fire… I was a little worried.”
“Mn,” Mobei-jun said.
Luo Binghe sighed. He did not remove his hands from Mobei-jun's chest.
“This is too cruel,” the woman groaned from the ground.
Reminded of her existence, Mobei-jun was also reminded of her words from earlier. Enough was enough! Now Luo Binghe's stubborn insistence on ignoring his would-be harem was causing Mobei-jun to be personally victimised!
“Junshang,” he said, “Should you not start considering the political advantages of marriage?”
“Ah?” Luo Binghe said. His nose scrunched up. “I'm not really a marriage kind of guy."
“Not at all?” Mobei-jun asked, feeling desperate. Luo Binghe, what do you mean not a marriage kind of guy?! Mobei-jun had read millions of words of terrible writing that would beg to differ!!
“Well…” Luo Binghe finally dropped his hands from Mobei-jun's chest and looked him over instead, biting his lip. “If it was with the right person, I guess… it wouldn't be too bad.”
This was immensely relieving to Mobei-jun, who had been worried that the protagonist would remain celibate until Xin Mo inevitably drove him to a nervous breakdown.
“That is…” Luo Binghe said, and he was suddenly close again, this time his hands trailing along Mobei-jun's hips. “If this venerable one's general would want to, ah… well, I know you've always been a bit traditional. Do you want to… before we…?”
Huh? Mobei-jun thought.
“Huh?” he said aloud. Twice in one night, it had to be a record for confusion.
“I guess I was wondering why it was taking so long,” Luo Binghe said. “I mean, the homoerotic tension has been off the charts. And you kept smacking me around early on, and then started getting all cuddly… but you never made a move, so. I guess I should have earlier!”
“What,” Mobei-jun said.
Luo Binghe pressed their mouths together.
Instinctively, Mobei-jun kissed him back. Then, also instinctively, he kicked Luo Binghe into the same wall that had recently been dented by the demoness.
Luo Binghe whined. Mobei-jun stared at him.
“Luo Binghe is straight,” he said.
“No one is straight in this world!” Luo Binghe said. They stared at each other.
“Proud Immortal Demon Way,” Mobei-jun blurted, and watched Luo Binghe’s mouth fall open in shock.
“Oh, what the fuck,” Luo Binghe said.