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At first, Crawley hadn’t been sure what to expect from his assignment on Earth. All the dirt and sand everywhere, and the people being fruitful and multiplying all over the place. It was nothing like hanging out in his own corner of the cosmos, happily creating stars and nebulae without having to really talk to anyone.
That had been ideal, most of his work unsupervised. He could obsess over getting the exact right glow out of the radiation for as long as he liked, with no one to tell him that it wasn’t normal to be this invested in his work.
Then he’d asked too many questions, got tossed out of Heaven, and ended up in Hell with the most bloody boring job possible: tempt humans to sin.
For one thing, while he liked people in the abstract, he really didn’t enjoy having to interact face to face with them in a professional capacity. He wasn’t very good at it, aside from accidentally provoking them into the sin of punching him in the face for asking a question that was apparently inappropriate. Would be nice if anyone ever explained what he was doing wrong, but it didn’t seem like anyone actually cared about explaining things.
And the more complicated human society became, the harder it was for Crawley to fit in. Rules changed too fast, social niceties constantly shifting. That did keep things interesting, at least, but it also made him want to scream from frustration at how damn confusing everyone was.
Almost worse than that, though, were the actual assignments. Tempt people to sin? Why would he want to do that? It was unbelievably pointless, so much so that he couldn’t even try to focus on it. Besides, they did plenty of that already, without any encouragement from him. So most of the time he just lounged around, took notes, and wrote up reports on whatever they came up with on their own.
At least, he did when he remembered. Other times, he got distracted by an awesome spot to hang out or the latest cool thing humans had come up with, and completely forgot that he was supposed to be making their short lives miserable.
“Ohshitohshitohshit.” He raked a hand through his long hair, pushing it out of his face, and then searched for paper and a pen. His report to Hell was due in ten minutes, and he hadn’t even started it. Or taken any notes.
But where had he put the paper and stuff? Was supposed to keep that hidden. It wasn’t developmentally appropriate for humans, who had just started figuring out how to write on clay tablets.
Crawley finally found his supplies stashed inside a basket with cool rocks he’d found. He sat cross legged on the floor and pulled out some of the rocks, smiling as he checked them out. Most of these were from the nearby rivers, rubbed smooth by the flow of water. He rolled them in his hands, clacking them together. He really should go get more of these. Maybe that would scratch the itch to accomplish something.
Accomplish something? Wasn’t there something he was supposed to be doing? “Ohhh shit, reports.”
He reluctantly put most of the rocks back, keeping a few to roll around in his hand as he wrote. That usually helped him focus.
But even the comforting clack of rocks wasn’t enough to make this less agonizing. He scrawled down a few halfhearted words, then stopped and sighed. This wasn’t any fun at all. He’d rather be doing anything other than this. Preferably something involving alcohol—it quieted his mind a lot, let him relax and just enjoy things instead of rushing between activities in the desperate hope of keeping himself from getting bored.
He was bored right now. So, so bored. Catastrophically bored.
Groaning, he dropped his head to the table and pushed his rocks around aimlessly. This was hopeless. He had zero chance of getting this done in time.
The door to his mudbrick house cracked open, and he didn’t bother looking up. He could feel the angelic presence. “Hello, Aziraphale.”
“Ah! Hello, Crawley. I thought I heard you muttering to yourself in here.” Footsteps thumped closer across the reed mats. “Goodness, you look disconsolate. Whatever is the matter?”
Crawley grunted. “Nothing’s wrong, just a truly soul crushing amount of boredom with existence itself.”
For a moment, Aziraphale was silent. Then he cleared his throat. “Um. If you don’t mind me saying so, that does certainly sound like something’s quite wrong.”
A faint chuckle escaping, Crawley shoved out of his chair and paced the room. He gestured vaguely at the report. “I’ve gotta write a report. Should have started it last night, didn’t because I found this really cool spot at the river with a fantastic view of the stars. And a lot of terrific rocks, all sorts of colors.”
“Oh! That sounds so lovely. I’d love to see it.” Aziraphale’s hands fluttered excitedly, and then he folded them together as if to stop himself from moving them again. He gave a shy, almost apologetic smile. “At any rate. You were saying?”
Crawley smiled back, touched at the care. Aziraphale was the only person he’d ever met that he could relate to at all. Similarly enthusiastic, easily distracted, and absolutely terrible in social situations. “I really, really need to get that report done now. But I’m so transcendently bored that trying to work on it feels like I’m having my brain slowly crushed by an entire mountain.”
Eyes widening, Aziraphale looked at the report. “Well, that sounds unpleasant.”
“Yeah.” Crawley kicked at one of the reed mats, ground his teeth at it being out of alignment with the others, and bent to fix it. “I’ll be in massive trouble if I don’t finish it on time. Usually, that motivates me to do stuff pretty quickly. But it’s not working today.”
“Hmm.” Aziraphale twisted his fingers together and shuffled closer to the table. “Well, if fear isn’t a good motivator, what about something fun? I-I find that when, um, I’m worried about getting in trouble, I freeze up a bit. But being excited about something makes the tasks easier.”
Crawley blinked at him, trying to think of something. “Angel, right now I’m so unbelievably bored that I can’t even conceptualize of anything in the whole world being fun.”
“Oh dear. That is very bored.” And then Aziraphale brightened, gesturing excitedly at the rocks on the table for a moment before clasping his hands together again. “I know! If you finish your report, perhaps you can show me that lovely spot by the river?”
“Ooh.” Crawley thought about it for a second, then flung himself back into his chair and grabbed the pen. “Okay, you’ve got a deal.”
Writing the actual report still felt like his brain was being extruded through a black hole, but at least now he had something to look forward to. Spending time with Aziraphale often sent his mind into overdrive, but in a fun way. Endless conversation about actually interesting things? He was definitely onboard with that.
“Done!” he finally said, slamming his pen down. “Okay. Let’s go.”
“Um.” Aziraphale’s hands fluttered again, an anxious smile on his face. “Shouldn’t you sign and date that? And actually submit it?”
“Ohh. Yeah. I definitely should.” Crawley scribbled his name, dated the paper, and dispatched it to Hell with a quick miracle. “Thanks, angel. I owe you one.”
“Oh, hardly. I forget things like that all the time.” With a little wiggle, Aziraphale gestured towards the door. “Shall we?”
“We shall.”
Crawley charged outside and breathed in deep, savoring the cool air. Summer was dying down now, the roasting hot days gone. Soon, it would be annoyingly cold at night, and he’d definitely grumble about it. But right now, this felt terrific.
He grabbed Aziraphale by the hand and pulled him down a winding path that curved through a patch of sparse trees and led to the river. “Check this out. I’m used to the rivers that don’t have a lot of rock, but this area is so cool. Massive stones all along the bank.”
“Oooh!” Aziraphale gave a delighted giggle as Crawley clambered up on one, free hand flailing excitedly. “Crawley, be careful! You’re going to slip!”
“Nah, we’re fine.” Grinning, Crawley stopped right on the edge of the big rock and leaned over the river, trusting in Aziraphale’s strong grip on his hand. “See, check it out. I know it’s getting kinda dark, but if you look in the water, you can still see all the different colors of rocks.”
More hesitant, Aziraphale leaned forward just enough to see over the edge. “That is quite beautiful, but it’s going to be much less beautiful if you topple in, hit your head, and bleed all over them.”
“Oh. Yeah. Good point.” Crawley took a reluctant step back. A single point of light sparkled in the purple-ish dusk, and he gestured to it. “Look, one of my stars is out!”
Aziraphale cooed appreciatively over it, and the restless energy brimming through Crawley settled for what felt like the first time in bloody ages. He tugged on Aziraphale’s hand again and clambered back down to the riverbank so they could find some more cool rocks.
Tomorrow, he’d have to get back to his endless list of assignments, nothing that sparked his interest in any way. For tonight though, with the report out of his way and Aziraphale to talk to, the entire world seemed full of possibility.