Chapter Text
By the time the next semester rolls around, Dex is better, the best he’s ever been, maybe. He hasn’t felt down since the night of the LAX frat party, the night that Nursey slept over for the first (and only) time. They’ve been taking it slow, not wanting to rush into things. There’s so much that they don’t know about each other and Dex wants to learn it all. That’s going to take some time.
Hockey is going well; they’re second in the division and his chemistry with Nursey has never been stronger. Holster and Ransom keep sighing at each other and then saying, “They grow up so fast.” Apparently, they’re taking credit for his and Nursey’s relationship, which is fine with Dex, because he’d rather not admit just yet that the real reason is because he and Nursey spend most of their time together now, and a bunch of that time is spent kissing or tracing nonsensical patterns on each other’s skin or just being.
The main thing, though, is that everything’s going great. He has a team that’s more like a family, he’s playing the best hockey he can, his schoolwork is all excellent, and he has a wonderfully frustrating best friend who is also his boyfriend that challenges him and makes him better at every turn.
It all comes crumbling down when he sees Kitty standing next to a confused looking Coach Murray at Faber.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but-”
“I’m not your sweetheart!” Kitty says, angry. She has tears in her eyes. “My brother is here and I know it! I want to see Will! Let me see Will! Let me see-”
“Kitty.” It falls out of his mouth like broken shards of glass and it hurts, it hurts. She spins around, her long red hair flipping with her.
“Will!” She runs at him, jumps into his arms, and he’s helpless to catch her.
“What-what are you doing here? How-how.” Dex doesn’t know what to say. He vaguely wonders if he’s dreaming.
“Poindexter, is everything okay?” Coach Murray asks, walking over. He’s got on a concerned parental expression, face wrinkled downwards with his frown.
“Uh, yes, sir, a little family stuff. Would, uh, would it be okay if I skipped practice today?”
“Yes, yes of course.” Murray doesn’t move. Something else occurs to Dex. He doesn’t feel strong enough to do this, not on his own, and that’s okay. Samwell, if it’s taught him anything, has taught him that it’s okay to need help sometimes.
“Um, could you also let Nurse off today, too?”
Murray’s frown softens and he nods, still not understanding, but pleased that Dex won’t be alone in whatever is going on here. “I’ll tell him to come out here.”
As he walks towards the locker rooms, Dex pulls back from his hug with kitty and just-just stares at her for a moment. He had been planning to say something, but for the life of him he can’t remember now. She looks older; she’s taller and some of her baby fat has gone away, but not all of it. She’s still a kid; she’s still so young. She’s twelve, now, he realizes. Almost a teenager.
“Hey, Kits,” he says, soft as a whisper. He knows he’s welling up. He smiles. “How’ve you been?”
“Where’ve you been?” she asks, voice raw with tears. “Mom and Dad say you’ve been at college but you never visit and you never call. I miss you.”
Her words ring around in his head, I miss you, and it makes him hug her tighter.
“Dex, what’s going-” Nursey stops when he sees Dex hugging a girl who looks just like him. His eyes go wide, confused, and he looks towards Dex. Dex doesn’t know what to say. He hasn’t explained to Nursey just yet why he doesn’t go back to Maine anymore and he doesn’t want to tell him now, in front of Kitty, who doesn’t know anything either.
“Kits, did you tell Mom and Dad where you were going?” He pulls back to see her eyes are now downcast and she’s worrying her lip. “Kitty.”
“They wouldn’t tell me why you didn’t visit!” she exclaims suddenly, her eyes meeting Dex’s. “I-I had to see you.”
“They must be out of their mind worried for you.” Dex sighs, leaning back on his calves. He knows what this means. He can’t just send Kitty back on a bus or however she got down here and he can’t let his parents continue to think she’s lost. If they even do; it’s a school day, so they probably just think she’s in class. To get Kitty back to Maine, Dex is going to have to speak with his family at the very least, see them at the most. Dex looks over towards Nursey, hoping for some kind of reassurance, and the support in his eyes makes Dex’s shoulders loosen. Nursey has no idea what’s going on, but he’s behind Dex no matter what, it seems.
He’s not alone, he tells himself. Nursey’s gaze tells him, too.
“How did you get down here?” Dex asks Kitty. She’s sitting on his dorm room bed, Nursey and Dex sitting across from her.
“I took the bus.” She’s curious, looking all around Dex’s dorm as if she’s in a museum. Dex can’t tell if she’s just interested or if she’s looking for evidence of herself, the family, traces of Dex’s childhood in Maine. “I got Teddy’s older sister to give me a ride to the stop.”
“How did you know where to go?”
“I called Samwell Hockey. The number is on the webpage. I was hoping your coach would give me your dorm number, but he didn’t. Then you showed up.” She looks at him then and smiles.
“You know you have to go back, right?”
She frowns. “That’s not fair.” Dex wants to tell her that life isn’t fair, but he’s always loved her too much for his usual bluntness.
“You belong back home, with parents who can take care of you.” He wants to touch Nursey, reach out and grab his hand, but he suddenly feels like Kitty would guess why Dex was kicked out if Dex grabbed Nursey’s hand. He’s suddenly terrified that she would hate him, too.
“You have to come visit, then!” she says emphatically. “You can’t just stay at college all the time. At least not on holidays!” She bites at her lip. “I even asked for you for Christmas and Mom and Dad couldn’t even get you to come back.”
Dex grits his teeth, tears welling up again. “It’s complicated, Kits.”
She scowls. “Adults are always complicated. It’s stupid.”
Surprised, Dex laughs hoarsely. “Yeah, yeah it is.”
“You don’t have to come with me,” Dex says as he and Nursey pack up Nursey’s car. It has a backseat for Kitty, unlike Dex’s truck.
“Dex.” Nursey gives him a look that plainly says that he can see right through Dex’s bullshit and he isn’t letting him do this alone. He doesn’t even know why Dex is so scared, but he’s supporting him anyway. Dex loves him so much it cracks his chest with the size.
“You have to call whoever’s home and tell them where you are,” Dex tells Kitty as he and Nursey get in the front seats of the car. He hands her his phone. “Do you know the number?”
Kitty hums assent; all of the Poindexter kids learn their home numbers at the age of four, just in case. Dex thinks back to the payphone near Annie’s and sucks in a quick breath.
“Hello?” Kitty says into the phone. “It’s Kitty. No, I’m not at school. I went to Massachusetts. To see Will.” There’s some yelling as Kitty winces. “No I didn’t tell anyone. Yes, we’re coming back now. Okay. Okay. O-kay. Yeah. Love you too.” She hangs up the phone, handing it back. “Maeve picked up; she’s home writing today. She sounded mad.”
“Yeah because you left the freaking state without telling anyone.” Dex turns on the car and pulls out onto the street. “I would be mad, too.”
“You left the freaking state without telling me, too.”
Dex winces. “That was different.”
“How?”
“I-” She’ll hate me too, he can’t help but think. Nursey squeezes his hand, quick and comforting, and Dex can breathe a little easier. “When you’re older it’ll make sense.”
Kitty doesn’t like this answer, so she huffs and turns in her seat, staring out the window with a determined stubbornness Dex recognizes from himself.
When Dex is positive that Kitty is out cold, he starts talking.
“The day I got my Samwell acceptance letter, my folks threw this huge party,” Dex explains as he changes lanes on the highway. “I’d gotten a full ride, hockey and academics, and they were so proud. I felt like I was on cloud nine. One of the people they’d invited to the party was my best friend, Liam. Liam was also my-” Dex takes a quick breath. Talking about Liam brings him back to that time, a time when he couldn’t say “boyfriend” or “bisexual” because it felt like asking for a beating. “My boyfriend.
“My mom walked in on us in my room.” The exit’s coming up, Dex notes, and also Nursey’s breath just hitched. Dex refuses to look at him; he’s driving, it’s not like he can anyway. “She got my dad, he-he chased me out of the house.” Dex doesn’t want to mention the hitting; he feels like the hitting makes it so much worse. “I got in my truck and I haven’t been back since. I stayed long enough to get my diploma, then I drove down to MA and got the job at the garage.”
“Shit,” Nursey breathes out. “That’s-that’s-”
“Pretty fucked up, yeah.” Dex exits the highway. He’s closer to home than he’s been since getting his first tattoo.
“Did they- they didn’t tell you not to come back, though, right? Maybe they-” Nursey stops as he realizes that Dex is shaking his head.
“My father’s exact words were, “Never come back, faggot” so I’m pretty sure I’m not welcome.” Dex can see the outskirts of the town, the beginnings of houses and stores. His heartrate picks up but his shoulders relax a little as he gets a whiff of the Maine air. Nursey doesn’t reply, just grabs Dex’s fingers and squeezes for all he’s worth. Dex thinks that it’s much better than anything he could have said.
“Are we there yet?” Dex hears mumbled from the backseat.
“Almost, Kits.” Dex sees the street he grew up on. He forces his hands to keep the steering wheel straight when all they want to do is turn around. He pulls up in front of the house. His parents’ car isn’t in the driveway. Maybe it will only be Maeve inside. She was never one to spit homophobic slurs, so maybe he can just drop Kitty off and leave before he’s emotionally scarred once again.
Kitty hops out as soon as Dex parks, but Dex waits a moment to say, “Whatever you do, if it comes down to it, don’t yell back. Please.”
“I won’t,” Nursey assures, looking straight in Dex’s eyes. “I love you,” he says, calm as anything, unwavering. Dex loves him too, loves him so much that it makes everything in his life better, even this, but he feels too weak to say it now, too weak to even touch Nursey. He hopes Nursey can understand that.
They get out of the car and follow Kitty up the steps. She pushes open the front door without knocking and Dex’s heart tightens as he remembers a time when he used to do that. Now it feels like barging in on a stranger’s home.
“I’m home!” Kitty yells into the house. Maeve comes running into the foyer from the living room, breathing labored and eyes wide. Her gaze snaps instantly to Dex.
“Will,” she says in a voice so small that an ant could carry it away. “I-” She doesn’t continue, just starts to cry, slow dripping tears and then heavy, painful ones. Kitty stares between them, confused, and Dex doesn’t know what to make of them. He’s long since stopped categorizing tears as happy or sad and he has no idea what’s going on in Maeve’s heart right now.
It starts to become clear, though, when she rushes over and wraps her arms around him. “I was so-so-” hiccup “-worried. I didn’t know where-where you’d went, didn’t know how to-how to call. You just disappeared.”
“That was kind of the point,” Dex says, quiet. “I didn’t know what Dad was going to do.” This makes Maeve start crying harder and the shoulder of Dex’s shirt becomes wet. “Hey, it’s okay.”
“No it’s not.” Maeve pulls back. “I-I just let him do that to you, Will. I-I couldn’t even see your face under-” She cuts herself off, realizing that Kitty is still standing right next to them. She straightens herself up, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I forgive you,” Dex says, ‘cause he knows that’s what she needs to hear. She’s still crying, but her shoulders loosen a little. They stand staring at one another for a few long moments, trying to remember if the person in front of them matches the memory of them from over a year earlier. Maeve cut her hair, so it’s a bob now. It’s stylish, cute; different. It gets uncomfortable for Dex, bringing back the endless nights where he wondered what had changed back home. He looks around the foyer for a distraction, inspects the pictures hanging on the walls. Any picture he was in seems to have been taken down. This reminds him instantly that he is not welcome here by the majority of the house. “Uh, what time will they be home?” he asks, suddenly afraid again.
Maeve seems to remember this, too. Her expression darkens and she suddenly looks trapped. As passionate as Maeve is, as rebellious as she can be, even she cowers at the idea of their parents. Dex doesn’t judge her for it; he’s the same way. Maeve says, “Junior will be home by six, Mom and Dad by seven thirty.” Dex glances at the clock that hangs above the doorway; it’s around four now. Dex has a little less than two hours to leave. A little less than two hours to talk to the people he hasn’t stopped thinking about since two Mays ago.
“What’s going on?” Kitty asks, finally breaking her silence. Maeve looks down at her, her features pinched. She must not know how to explain this to Kitty without removing all her faith in their parents. Or maybe she thinks Kitty won’t be okay with the Kissing Boys thing either. It’s not hers to explain, Dex gets that; he shouldn’t force it on her. So he kneels down in front of Kitty, a little lower than her eye-level, and looks her straight on. He’s never been one to sugar-coat a situation, but this is different. He doesn’t know where to draw the line.
“You know how Mom and Dad have rules?” he eventually decides on. It’s close enough of an explanation without revealing too much. “Like you have to go to bed by nine and no sweets before dinner?” Kitty nods hesitantly, confused. “I broke one of their rules. A really big one. They’re mad at me. So mad that I can’t come visit anymore.” Nursey, who’s standing behind Kitty, tightens his jaw and Dex silently pleads with him not to say anything. Nursey nods because he understands, somewhat, and, God, Dex loves him.
“Can’t you just say you’re sorry?” she asks, eyes wide with hope and innocence. Dex would hate himself if he took this from her.
“Not this time, Kits.” He wonders, if he apologized, would his parents let him get a word out or would it just be a recreation of the night he left? If he pledged himself to heterosexuality and promised to never disgrace them again, would he be welcomed back or cast off completely? Then again, Dex thinks as he looks up at Nursey, standing there ever-present and supportive, Dex isn’t sorry. He is bisexual; he knows that in his soul. He likes kissing boys and loving boys just as much as kissing and loving girls and he will not feel bad about that. There is nothing to feel bad about in that. Still, Kitty’s face crumples and she throws her arms around Dex’s shoulders, hugging him so tightly that the breath in his lungs is squeezed out.
“You can’t just leave again!” she says, the force of it cracking Dex’s chest open in the worst of ways.
“I’m sorry, Kits,” Dex says, trying to conceal the brokenness in his voice out of some residual memory of how men should show emotion.
Kitty pulls back, suddenly, and says hesitantly, “You-you could call.” She gradually brightens at her idea. “Call Mae! She has a phone you could call and we could talk!”
Dex… hadn’t actually thought of that. The fear that one of his parents might pick up has prevented him from calling since he got his mom’s voice message. He forgot about Maeve, as his parents cut him out of the phone plan after the whole thing, and he got a new number and lost all his contacts. Dex looks at Maeve, who nods, smiling a little, surprised. It seems both of them have been outsmarted by an eleven year old. It’s overwhelming, the idea of talking to his family again, and he almost feels like he’s going to black out with euphoria. Nursey’s hand settles on his shoulder, heavy and comforting, and Dex breathes out a sigh, blissfully content.
Upstairs, Kitty is showing Nursey the collection of action figures she’s inherited from Dex and Junior over the years. She and Nursey seem to get on so well. Dex doesn’t know what to make of it; on one hand, he’s super excited that his baby sister likes his boyfriend, but on the other hand, the implications of Kitty getting on so well with Nursey are numerous and worrying. One being; Dex is going to be overruled if the two of them team up. He can hardly say no to one of them at a time; how is he going to say no to both of them? Dex is trying not to dwell on it too hard as he and Maeve talk quietly over cups of cocoa in the kitchen downstairs.
“Yeah, writing has been going well,” Maeve says, smiling into her mug. “I’ve got a novel ready to be published, just working out a few kinks. I’m pretty excited.”
“That’s awesome, Mae,” Dex says, beaming. “I told you you’d make it.” She nods softly.
“Yeah, you always did.” Her eyes go sad for a moment before she shakes her head. “How’s Samwell?”
“Amazing, actually.” He smiles at the doorway, thinking of Nursey upstairs entertaining Kitty. “I love my classes, they’re all incredibly interesting and I’m learning so much. The team is great; everyone is sw’awesome and welcoming.” He gestures with his chin towards the stairs. “Nurse is actually my defensive partner on the team.”
Maeve nods, posture tensing for a moment. She looks at him warily for a moment and then asks slowly, “And you and Nurse…?” This confirms Dex’s earlier theory that his parents told Maeve what happened. Or she figured it out for herself. He always thought that he hid it so well, but maybe not.
“Would you be okay with that?” he asks. As much as he loves her, he wouldn’t hold it against her if she was uncomfortable with the idea of Dex dating a man. He knows that she hasn’t had much exposure to the whole thing.
“Yeah,” she says slowly, “yeah, I’m fine. As long as you’re happy.”
Nursey and Kitty choose this moment to run into the room and start speaking rapidly about some book that the both of them are crazy about, talking over one another and the both of them grinning so wide they look ridiculous. Dex knows his own face mirrors theirs.
“I guess that’s not a question, then,” Maeve says. Dex laughs and shakes his head. This moment is so settling, comforting, perfect he even dares to think.
Of course, it does come to an end.
“Do you have to go?” Kitty asks at 5:55 later that afternoon. They’ve spent the afternoon just talking, doing simple things. Dex reveled in the simplicity and comfort of the afternoon, but he knows he has to leave now. He’s already cutting it pretty close, but for Kitty, it’s worth it.
“Sorry Kits,” Dex mumbles into her shoulder. “I’ll call you, okay? And you can call me. I will always answer the phone.” He pulls back. “I love you,” he says emphatically, looking her straight in the eye.
“Love you too,” she mumbles, eyes wet and red. She glances down at where Dex is holding her in their hug and sees his jacket sleeve has ridden up. The bright colors underneath draw her attention and she frowns, curious. She takes his wrist in her hands and pushes up his sleeve further to expose the tattoo underneath. Her eyes widen. “Is this for me?”
“Yeah.” Dex smiles as her eyes widen even further. “I was always thinking of you. My Kitty.” Kitty grins and launches herself at Dex once more, hugging him so tight it hurts, but in a good way. It feels like he’s wanted; like he’s loved, unconditionally. The hug lasts a little too long, it seems, because when Dex pulls back, there is a car pulling into the driveway. It’s the black Honda civic that Dex’s dad used to own, the one Dex and Junior spent a summer fixing up together. Junior drove Dex to hockey practice in that car when it was too rainy or cold to walk. They drove to work together over the summer in that car, sharing the sleepy quiet of the early mornings.
Junior steps out of the driver’s seat, looking so much like their father that Dex actually flinches. He stops when he sees the scene playing out in front of him; Dex kneeling in front of Kitty, Maeve behind her and Nursey behind him. His expression hardens as he looks on and Dex can’t tell anything beyond that. He doesn’t move or say anything. To himself, Dex thinks that this is Junior’s way of being kind. This is his gift to his only brother; silence.
“Let’s go, Nursey,” Dex says quietly. Nursey nods and hops in the passenger’s seat. Dex presses one more kiss to Kitty’s head before walking around the car and getting in the driver’s seat. Kitty starts crying in earnest, probably still worried that this will be it, and Maeve wraps her arms around Kitty, resolutely not looking at Junior. Dex does the opposite and keeps his eyes on Junior, waiting for something to happen, but Junior just watches with his cold eyes, unwavering. Silently, Dex says thank you; thank you for not ruining this moment.
Dex drives off, feeling different. Not better or worse; just different.
Somewhere around the state line, Dex pulls over next to a random stream and gets out of the car. He strips off his socks and shoes, just like the day of his high school graduation, and Nursey joins him without saying anything. They happen upon a small, secluded pond miraculously. Dex strips off everything but his boxers and dives in. It’s cold, freezing, but it reinstates that this is real. All of this was real.
He surfaces, breathing hard, overwhelmed. He opens his eyes to see Nursey standing there, brow furrowed.
“You okay?” he asks.
“I-” Dex looks around him, the forest brimming with life and potential. He feels the same, feels like he belongs here. He takes a deep breath. “I think so.” He looks back at Nursey, a small smile on his face. “I just- I never thought- never dreamed- that I would ever be welcome back there. The-the anger on my dad’s face when he hit me, it just felt so final. Like I was no one to him anymore; nothing better than the fags he had complained about my entire life. And my mom, she acted like I was dead or something just because I liked kissing boys. I was dead to them the second they found out.
“But not to Maeve and Kitty.” Dex’s smile begins to widen. “I’m still Will to them. It doesn’t matter to them.”
Nursey smiles back hesitantly. Dex laughs, surging up and kissing him.
“God, I love you. You know that right? I love you. So much.”
Nursey’s smile widens. “I love you, too. I’m glad I could be here for you.”
“Thank you, for that. You are so good. So good.” Dex kisses him again. “So wonderful, Nursey,” he says against Nursey’s mouth. “I love you.”
Dex goes all bubbly and Nursey lets him, taking it all in with a smile. He listens as Dex talks about Maine, his childhood and all the good things. After today, Maine doesn’t represent everything bad any more. Dex allows himself to remember the good things and tell them to Nursey. He also himself to reminisce and not be sad. It’s sw’awesome, is the only way Dex can describe it. At some point, Dex finds himself rubbing at his tattoos again and suddenly has the urge to explain them.
“This one, here,” Dex says, holding up his ankle, “was my first. It was supposed to help while I was so alone. Strong shoes, stony path, something my Gran used to say.” He goes through them one by one. The fire that couldn’t be contained, so he knows to never contain his true self. The balloon to remind himself to let things go, to let himself stand tall, to share the weight he’s carrying. The kitty, Kitty, to always remember the purity in his life and the people who are good. The skates, the other support in his life aside from his strong shoes, the balance of his old family and his new. The existence of his tattoos represents his patched up family; Jenny with her grief, the guys at the shop with their small pocket of comfort and home, Andy with her harshness who softens herself for the people she loves, the bikers at the bar who defy all expectations and are exactly who they want to be.
After Dex finishes explaining, Nursey offers Dex his shoulder blade. On it, there’s this beautiful bird decorated in every color Dex can think of. “It’s the one I got when you brought me to Andy’s,” Nursey says, quiet. “When I left Andover and all the rich assholes who didn’t understand differences from their own, I felt so free, you know? It-it was kind of overwhelming. Originally I got it to symbolize that freedom, but recently I’ve kind of looked at it as, “I can be free and adventurous, but I’ve always got a nest to go back to.” I’ve got a home.”
Nursey looks at Dex when he says that last part and Dex knows what he means viscerally. Dex kisses him because he feels all out of words for the day. Nursey, of course, gets it, and they kiss in the middle of nowhere, lost in each other, and okay with it. It doesn’t matter; they’re both home.
Nursey walks into Dex’s dorm and drops his bag, taking a seat on Dex’s bed even though Dex is already lying in it. Draping his legs over Dex’s, Nursey leans down and smacks a kiss to Dex’s face. Dex wipes at it, grinning stupidly as he listens to Kitty tell him about her history project.
“… and there were these women, called the Night Witches, who flew in these terrible planes and had really bad supplies but still managed to fight in the war just as good as the men! And they used their navigation pencils as lipstick so they’d look pretty while doing it and they decorated their planes with flowers and stuff because they wanted people to know that they were women and proud of it!” Kitty says, rambling on cutely.
“That sounds so cool,” Dex says. “I have a friend who knows all about World War II. Maybe you should talk to him about history sometime. He’s a huge nerd too.” Kitty objects to this loudly and Dex smiles.
“That Kitty?” Nursey mouths. Dex nods. “Tell her I say hi,” he says quietly.
“Nursey says hi,” Dex says.
“Is he there? Let me talk to him!”
Dex hands over the phone. Nursey smiles as he holds it to his ear. “Hey Kit Kat. How’s To Kill a Mockingbird treating you?”
As Dex watches Nursey smile widely as he talks to Dex’s little sister about books, he thumbs at the forget-me-not flowers going up and down his bicep. He got it after his first visit with Kitty after she came down to Samwell. They spent the day in a town a few miles away from their hometown; Dex, Maeve, Kitty, and Nursey walking around, window shopping, enjoying one another’s company. They stumbled upon a florist and the woman working there explained the meaning of some of the flowers.
“Forget-me-nots can mean a lot of things,” she had said. “A connection that lasts through time, reminders of a favorite time with another person, or a strong relationship despite separation.” Then she leaned in conspiratorially and smiled. “My favorite interpretation is true and undying love. But that’s just me.”
Andy did a great job with the tattoo. She really is an artist, especially with the water color stuff she does. It’s pretty, the blue and purple mingling across Dex’s skin in a delightful splash of unexpected color.
Dex has realized that he got his tattoos in an attempt at permanence. A place holder for something that will never leave. Some desperate longing for the unconditional love he was told he always had, but didn’t really. As he watches Nursey laugh at some ridiculous pun Kitty told Dex ten minutes ago, Dex knows that the tattoos aren’t a place holder anymore.
He’s got the real thing.