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Jason just had to make Bruce angry. There was no other way.
The question was how to get Batman angry enough to yell at his golden child Grayson.
For Jason, it was easy. All he had to do was kill a bitch here, explode a building there, and it would be enough for the man to break out from the deep voice puberty had given him at the age of ten, and shriek out a mighty blast of “JASON!” or “HOOD!”.
But Dick… Dick was perfect. In every way. It would be harder for Bruce to yell at his eldest son in anger.
Unless…
There was always one thing that triggered Bruce. And it was disobeying clear orders in the field. But Dick would never do that. As he mentioned before: he was perfect.
So Jason had a plan.
It was brilliant. It was cunning. It was empyreal.
It needed Babs.
Jason tapped casually into his comm, leaning against the truck crates on the truck-resting ground. He was there for investigation, but quickly determined that the scene was clear of any crime. Or, well, the crime he was looking for. “Heyyyy, Barbie.”
“What do you want?”
“Well, someone’s snappy.”
“You try being on your period two days early.”
Jason winced and cleared his throat. “I need a favor.”
“Not today. Come back later.”
“No wait! I swear it’s a good one!” After a moment he added, “Please?”
Barbara let out a long sigh. “What?”
“Do you have a voice modulator?”
“Don’t you have one yourself?”
“Yes, but do you have one that has the same voice as Dickhead’s?”
“What are you planning, Jason?”
“No need to sound so skeptical. It’s just a bit of fun.”
“I’ll be the judge of that. Are you planning on killing Tim again?”
Jason bristled at the accusation. “I’ll have you know that I wasn’t trying to kill him in the first place. I was just trying to get a message to Batman across.”
“Mhm. I’m not aiding in something that’ll get B to yell at me, Jason.”
“Oh it’s not you I’m planning on getting him to yell at.”
Barbara paused. “Go on…” she said with a level of measured interest in her voice.
Jason grinned and explained his plan.
After she stopped laughing for three minutes straight, she replied, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? ‘Course I’ll help! I’ll even set up the cameras and microphones to record in his apartment.”
“Perfect.” Jason straightened up and made his way to his bike. “Remember, not a word of this to anyone.”
“Stick a tampon in my eye.”
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The field was set. Now all that was needed was for Oracle to start the scene.
“Just got an update!” Oracle burst through comms, startling all the Bats. “There’s a major arms deal happening right now. Nightwing, you’re the closest one to it.”
“Copy, O. Just send me the location and I’ll go.”
“How big is it, Oracle?” Spoiler asked.
“I’d say it’s one of the international groups. I just got the update, so I’m tracking down all the information right now.”
“Affirmative,” Dick replied.
“Nightwing. Observe. Do not engage,” Bruce ordered.
“Noted, B. Will signal back once I reach there. ETA is two minutes.”
“Two minutes away from a soon-to-be-activated EMP area,” Jason sniggered to himself. Meanwhile, for him, he was at the real scene.
“Ready, Jay?” Oracle said to him on their private channel.
“Ready,” Jason gave the affirmative.
He tapped the modulator-chipped microphone to switch it on. Then he raised the paper with his lines written on it. Hey, he was a theater kid, yes, but nerves sometimes messed up lines. And he had to be on-script for this.
Two timed minutes later, it was a go.
“I’ve arrived at the site,” Jason said, not in his voice. Damn. Where did Barbie find this tech? It sounded exactly like Dick.
“Good,” Batman’s voice said. “Remember, you are to observe and report. Do not engage.”
There was no reply from the real Dick. Oracle had activated the EMP without him knowing.
“Note— wait. There’s something else going on.” Jason was careful to keep his voice low, just like Dick did when he was interested in something. “There seems to be a hostage in the warehouse.”
There was no hostage. There was no warehouse either. Jason was just sitting on the lid of a closed dumpster in an empty alley.
“Careful, ‘Wing,” Red Robin said. “It might be a trap or something else. Not necessarily a hostage situation.”
Trust Replacement to make things harder by being a bit too aware.
“Oracle, do you have any information on the scene?” Batman questioned.
“Hang on a sec, B. I’m getting a signal that there’s a situation just a block southwest on 15th Fry street.”
Batman grunted. “Come Robin.”
“I can handle this myself, Father.”
No! Batman had to be at least partially distracted. Jason had paid his people extra for this.
“Go keep a lookout, Li’l D,” Jason quickly said. “Or you’ll be sitting idle with all that sugar in your body.”
“I didn’t have any sugar before patrol.”
“Little kids always have sugar present,” Jason pressed on, mentally screaming at him to just let it go.
Robin let out his signature “tt” sounds and quieted. Jason was unused to Damian listening to him. Maybe pretending to be Dick had more perks than he realized.
“Nightwing, what’s your status? I can get to you, I’m free at the moment.”
Trust Replacement to make things worse. He’ll have to skip some of the lines.
“Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll— wait. I—”
“Nightwing?” Red Robin inquired. “Are you alright?”
“The— the hostage they’re— I’m going in.”
“Nightwing, stay put,” Batman ordered with a grunt resounding in the background.
“B. I can analyze the situation just fine. I’m going in.”
“Nightwing, no.”
Fuck. He needed Bruce to yell, not go all low and dangerous.
“Smoke bombs’ll dizzy them for a bit. Gotta be aware of the guns.”
“Whoa. Okay. If there are guns, then definitely stay put,” Red Robin said.
“And risk the hostage? No. I’m not letting people die, RR.”
“Nightwing,” Batman warned. Come on, Bruce, a little louder.
“Twenty to twenty five people. Hostage conscious, but being hit repeatedly on the head with a gun.”
“Nightwing, do not engage.” He sounded a little distracted. And by the sound of it, Jason’s people were probably going to be needing a hospital visit. The extra money would be worth it if this succeeded though.
“Hey, fuckers,” Jason said addressing an invisible group of people and trying to keep the anticipatory giggle out of his voice. “How ‘bout ya let her go?”
“NIGHTWING!” Bruce finally shouted.
Score.
Jason grinned widely under his helmet, then muted himself, shifting into the private channel with Barbara and leaving the rest of the plan to her.
She must have had a difficult time convincing Dick and playing a different recording with Bruce though because she only came back to check in with him after quite a few minutes.
“Didja record it?”
“Sure did, edge lord.”
“Yes!” Jason pumped a fist in the air. He was finally going to get his vengeance.
“Now, when do you want to meet with Bruce to hash it all out?”
Jason stopped. “What?”
“We gotta tell him what actually happened.”
“No we don’t.” Jason folded his arms.
“Uh, yes we do. If we don’t, Dick’ll get in trouble. If he gets in trouble, he’ll get into a fight. If he gets into a fight, he won’t come to Gotham. And I don’t feel like traveling all the way to Blüdhaven right now.”
Jason pouted.
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“...and that’s the plan,” Barbara finished.
Bruce stared back impassively at the two of them.
They decided to let everything loose before their weekly family dinner when everyone would be there together. Dick had been extremely confused when Bruce had acted coldly with him after patrol since he had been told another cover story by Barbara. Tim, Damian, Steph, Cass, Duke, and Alfred all ignored the tension between them, trying to go about normally. Alfred and Tim were used to Bruce and Dick’s fights, so they knew what to do. The others followed their lead. And it was so helpful.
“Why?” Bruce finally spluttered. “Why scare him like that?”
“Because,” Jason grumbled through gritted teeth. “It’s for all the times goodie boy Grayson tricked me.”
Bruce and Barbara both raised an eyebrow.
“Tricked me into bonding. Tricked me into movie nights. Tricked me into joint cases. Dick Grayson is a trickster. And it was about time someone taught him his rightful place.”
Bruce showed a hint of a smile, then shook his head. All the anger he had before visibly dissipated as he melted away from impassiveness. He walked out, satisfied with the explanation.
On the way, he ruffled Jason’s hair, making Jason freeze.
Long after he was back in his safehouse and ready for bed, his mind was still reeling from the hair ruffle. The physical affection. Just handed out like it used to when he was younger. When he was brave enough to call the gesture ‘dad-like’.
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Everything was ready now. Barbara had the cameras set up. Jason had the recording set up. Dick was fast asleep. And the Batfamily Blackmail file had been cleared to have space for one more video.
"Ready, Barbie?" Jason called when the clock turned 7:59.
"Ready as I'll ever be. This is an excellent distraction for my period."
Jason winced again, but laughed. "Good. Cuz there's one more minute left."
Jason repositioned himself into a better position on the fire escape outside Dick's bedroom window. He wondered how Dick would react. It would be a bit disappointing if he woke up like that one vine with the woman stirring sleepily and unfazed and saying "hello" after a bottle of water was poured on her face. He wanted A Reaction™.
The clock turned 8:00 and the angry yell of "NIGHTWING!" shrieked through the air from a phone on the bedside table.
"FUCK—" Dick screeched as he twisted off the bed, tangled in his sheet. "Wha—" He was still twisting, which meant that the blanket twisted too, wrapping around his face and body even more. "What the fucking hell?"
Dick ceased his struggling, but the 30 second snooze on the alarm went off and Bruce's voice screeched "NIGHTWING!" again.
"SHI— Hang on! Hang on!"
Dick flailed around again, knocking into a carefully placed nightstand and knocking off a not-so-carefully placed glass of water onto him.
Dick shouted in surprise and let out another string of curses as the water spilled onto his face. "Hell— fucking— bitchass— who the— shitting me—"
He knocked another intentionally placed glass of water, dropping it to the down under.
As soon as the water drizzled out and spread, Dick came to a standstill.
"Fuck me," he said, his voice muffled by the blanket on his face. "Fuck me right now with a chainsaw and be done with it. It's too embarrassing."
Jason was on the edge of bursting into laughter. He had his helmet off to cover his mouth with his hands.
The 30 second snooze went off again and Bruce yelled his scream of "NIGHTWING!" once more.
"I can't believe I peed my pants!" Dick shouted back.
That was the last straw.
Jason exploded into laughter.
Dick's mummified figure stirred towards his voice. "Jason?"
With hiccuping giggles and chest heaving laughter which was soon turning to be painful, Jason slid open the window with great difficulty, managing to avoid knocking his head against it. "H— hey, Di— Dickie. How— how did you— fuck it, it's too damn hilarious." And he fell to the floor right in front of Dick's bed, wheezing and gasping and laughing. Babs had muted herself, unable to hold in her giggles. Vengeance really was sweet.
"Jason? What are you— hang on."
"NIGHTWING!" the alarm screamed again.
"Is B there? Ja— Hood?"
More hysteria struck and Jason clutched his chest, gasping more breath only for it to immediately be let out with a booming laugh.
"Why are you laughing? I— B? Batman? Am I— am I in the manor or— why— was that water?"
Jason got up on his knees, clutching and leaning heavily on the bedpost, trying to explain. "Serves you— you— you—" Alas, his sentence was not meant to be completed, for the alarm shrieked its call of "NIGHTWING!" again.
"Is this a prank?" Dick said with a sigh, fully resigned.
Jason responded with more laughter and a bursting, breathless word of, "Bonding."
-----------------------------------------
Jason pushed Damian's annoying head out of the way and squeezed himself between him and Dick.
"Hey, careful!" Dick hissed.
"Shut up, Boy Blunder. Or you'll wake him up," Barbara snapped through comms.
"Sorry," Dick mumbled.
"When is his alarm going to ring again?" Damian questioned, eager eyes never straying from the snoring figure on the bed.
Jason leaned back against the rails of the fire escape. "Just a couple more minutes."
"And the cameras are set?" Damian asked apprehensively.
"Give your perfectionist side a break, will you?" Jason shook his head. "Yeah they're set, don't worry."
"It wasn't funny when I was the butt of it, but this is going to be good," Dick sniggered.
Jason snorted. "You peed your pants out of fear."
Dick glowered. "That was water and you know it."
Jason shrugged.
"Could you stop being so bulky?" Damian snapped. "There's barely enough room here, Todd."
"Hey. I didn't have to involve you in this, but I did. So fucking deal with it."
"Boys, shut up!" Barbara said exasperatedly.
They glared at each other, but settled down.
"Any second now," Dick whispered, checking his watch.
The three watched with slated breath. Jason kept a timer in his head. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1—
"RED ROBIN!" Bruce's voice pierced through the air.
Tim shrieked and flopped around, getting tangled in his bedsheet, but instead of rolling off, he kept getting more and more tangled. "Son of a deer tick— I'm coming!"
Unlike last time, Jason didn't manage to stay quiet. Neither did the other two.
"Deer tick?" Damian spluttered.
"What the fuck?" Jason rubbed his eyes.
"Oh, that's right." Dick laughed, his head pulled back with force. "You two never heard Tim be frustrated during patrol."
"Whizzing sauce— hang on, I'm stuc—" He finally fell off the bed and knocked his head against the lamp desk and lay still. "Ow."
Dick was hysterically belching out wheezing laughter, gripping his stomach.
Damian disappointedly shook his head.
Jason was still puzzled. "What the actual fuck."
"RED ROBIN!" the alarm screamed.
"FUCKBAT!" Tim screeched and started flailing around again.
"This is gonna be one hell of a video," Barbara giggled.
Dick fell down the stairs laughing.