schittyfic
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What starts as a very judgemental conversation about Patrick's lunch choices, turns into an unexpected development in Patrick's relationship with his new business partner.
Written for the prompt: "I can't believe we're friends sometimes."
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Several years into married life, Patrick encourages a budding passion of David's - with a healthy dose of teasing on the side.
For the prompt: "I can't believe you talked me into this."
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“Mkay, but —” David stops with a little laugh, pinching the bridge of his nose briefly. “You know your dick is bigger, right?”
Patrick outright snorts at him, like he’s being ridiculous. “Um, no it’s not.”
David has to sit up, flailing to extricate himself from Patrick’s arms so he can be incredulous with his entire body. “Yes, it is! Have you met your dick before?!”
“Once or twice, yeah.”
Or: a fic about dick-measuring, with an inordinate amount of Soft Feelings attached.
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“Did you, uh… walk here?”
David nods. “Mm-hm.”
“Can I give you a ride home?” Patrick asks, almost shyly. David feels just as silly, like a fucking schoolboy with a crush, glancing away from Patrick’s wide-open gaze and mumbling that he'd like that, very much.
“Great.” Patrick flashes a chipper smile. “I brought a spare helmet.”
Or: as David's birthday dinner draws to a close, Patrick has a little surprise up his sleeve.
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In the wake of the Jake fiasco and still stinging from the Blouse Barn, David finds himself with far too much free time and a creative itch that needs scratching. On a whim, he decides to take beginner's guitar lessons. Unfortunately, his tutor is extremely rude, and how dare he have such nice forearms, anyway?
An enemies-(idiots)-to-lovers fic set between 3x03 and 3x08.
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Condomless in the Creek by Deenerann, DelilahMcMuffin, EggplantSalad, Elswherefumbling, Januarium, Lisamc21, midnightstreet, reginahalliwell, rockinhamburger, schittyfic, SparklesMagicLightLove, unfolded73, yourbuttervoicedbeau (kiwiana)
Fandom Schitt's Creek
04 Jan 2021
Summary
Welcome to the condomless in the creek collaborative series. Each work is an alternate take on a time that David and Patrick discuss their condom usage, or lack thereof. They do not exist in the same timeline and are not necessarily consistent with each other.
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in your corner by canonbelle
Fandoms: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
16 Feb 2026
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“Shane.” Ilya’s hands caught him around the waist. “I love that you handled it. Maybe it was not the best strategy, but it's not about that. I don’t mind being protected when it is you doing it.”
Shane felt like his entire chest had turned to goo at the sentiment.
“Also,” Ilya added, and now his tone was smug again, “I did not know you were so good at fighting. Moy tigryonok, so vicious. It was very arousing. I could hardly look at you afterwards without whole arena knowing how much I wanted to fuck you.”
Now that they're on the same team, Shane gets to fight for Ilya. It goes even better than he might've hoped.
Bookmarked by schittyfic
16 Feb 2026
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“Why did you come?”
Shane scoffs. “Well, you told me to.”
Ilya’s short laugh is genuine. “No, I mean – why did you come to Vancouver? It’s your day off, no?”
or: Shane can't stop thinking about Ilya's reserved seats always being empty, so he jumps on a plane to be there. It does things to Ilya. Turns out that they both have far too many feelings about being there for each other, and sometimes the only way they can communicate that is through messy sex.
Bookmarked by schittyfic
05 Feb 2026
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“Hmm.” Ilya’s voice is weighty, considering. Shane wants to taste it. “I cannot touch you?”
He can see it coming before it happens, knows he’s left himself open in one crucial, mortal way. Thinks hazily, from the ceiling of the bathroom looking down at himself, that maybe it was on purpose. That he left the gap in the armor, that he flashed it at Ilya, that he hoped Ilya would take the bait, would go in for the kill.
“But you can touch yourself.”
In the bathroom of the club, after watching Ilya across the room, the thing Shane's running from comes knocking.
Bookmarked by schittyfic
05 Feb 2026
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Ilya was good at noticing things about people, and he was good at understanding them. Shane was not. That was okay. Shane had developed his own way of getting to know Ilya. It involved a lot of inane questions and, more importantly, no longer involved condoms.
Bookmarked by schittyfic
05 Feb 2026
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“Hollander. Relax. So you lost one game,” Ilya said. “Big deal. Win next time.”
“It is a big deal,” Shane said. His hands were clenched tightly into fists. “It’s not just the game. You know I can’t afford to fuck up like this, not this close to playoffs. It’s a pretty big deal. Fuck. And it’s my fault. I wasn’t focused. I can play better than that, and I just… didn’t.”
“Okay, your fault, so what?” Ilya shrugged. “You think you should be punished for this?”Series
- Part 2 of missing scenes
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Bookmarked by schittyfic
29 Jan 2026